thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest November 27: Thanksgiving Primer and More
Jigsaw Horrified After Thanksgiving Guests Devour Turducken He Prepared to Punish Their GluttonyBy Matt HusserHORNERSTOWN, N.J. — Serial killer and torture pioneer Jigsaw was reportedly left horrified today after his unwilling Thanksgiving guests quickly devoured a massive turducken he had prepared to punish their gl...
Hard Digest November 26: Early Access Viagra Boys, Costco Chicken, Babies, and More
Viagra Boys Rushed to Hospital After Set Persists for More Than 4 HoursBy Shane PaukerSAN FRANCISCO — Swedish crankwave band Viagra Boys were rushed to Zuckerberg General Hospital after their latest performance exceeded four hours in length, confirmed concerned sources.“Their set went way longer than normal,” die...
Hard Digest November 25: Early Access Warhammer 40k, Bouncers, Power Strips, and More
Warhammer 40K Meetup Surprisingly Uninterested in Custom Bolt Thrower PlaylistBy Steve PackoskyCINCINNATI — Bolt Thrower fan Harold Rodriguez was disappointed in the reaction to his custom playlist by fellow members of his Warhammer 40K meetup, sources report.“I don’t get it, dude,” Rodriguez mentioned while de...
Hard Digest November 24: War Crimes, Early Access Punks, Sobriety, and More
Netanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game NightBy Antonio CruiseJERUSALEM — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday, despite protests from family members and political allies who des...
Hard Digest November 23: Early Access Bon Iver, Politics, Captain Planet, Luke Bryan, and More
Bon Iver Announces Next Release Will Only Be Available by Carrier PigeonBy Ben FriedmanEAU CLAIRE, Wisc. — Justin Vernon surprised fans by announcing the next highly anticipated Bon Iver release will only be available via carrier pigeon delivery, sources confirmed.“Buying and discovering music used to be a beautifu...
Hard Digest November 22: Trump's Cabinet, Early Access Aerosmith, Hulkster, Hooters, and More
Registered Sex Offender Forced to Go Door to Door to Inform Neighbors He’s in Trump’s CabinetBy Bobby KorecMINNEAPOLIS — Registered sex offender Tim Finhook was court-mandated to go door to door in an effort to inform neighbors that he’s a part of newly reelected Donald Trump’s cabinet, confirmed sources who ...
Hard Digest November 21: Gaetz Withdrawal, Trump and Musk, Early Access Drone Metal, Debt Collectors, Mosh Pits, and More
Matt Gaetz Tells Girlfriend He Can Attend Quinceañera After AllBy Tim GrahamTALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickards High School confirm.“Of ...
MVP: Red Hot Chili Peppers "Give It Away"
It was only a matter of time before we tackled a Red Hot Chili Peppers video and we picked the video with as many taint shots as possible. Bill and Dan break it all down and tell you everything you need to know, enjoy.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_uHJPUlO8
Hard Digest November 20: Early Access Local Bands, Trump, Grief, and More
Totally Pathetic Local Band Actually Gives It Their All OnstageBy Wyatt FairOKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – Local indie rock quartet Girlfriend’s Homework were treated to a “cacophony” of boos after they earnestly attempted showmanship onstage, disgusted sources report.“Oh man, it was like one of those…what’s that...
Hard Digest November 19: Early Access Pantera, Sobriety, Rap, and More
Southern Poverty Law Center Updates Hate Map to Coincide with Upcoming Pantera Tour DatesBy Steve PackoskyMONTGOMERY, Ala. — Legal advocacy organization Southern Poverty Law Center recently updated its Hate Map, an interactive tool to track hate groups, to coincide with dates from an upcoming Pantera tour, sources re...
Hard Digest November 18: Early Access Math Rock, Twin Peaks, Manic Episodes, and More
Math Rock Band Keeps Accidentally Opening Wormholes on StageBy Steve PackoskyRALEIGH, N.C. — Math rock band Integrals continuously had their live set interrupted by the wormholes their music was repeatedly formulating on stage, sources report.“Christ, that was annoying,” mentioned drummer Jake Refner as he loaded...
Hard Digest November 17: Early Access Propaghandi, Green Day, Bathrooms, and More
Propagandhi Struggling to Write New Music After Loss of Henry KissingerBy John DanekWINNIPEG, Manitoba — Canadian political punk rockers Propagandhi admitted that they are struggling to write new songs after the death of their creative muse Henry Kissinger, worried friends reported.“I try to put pen to paper, yet I...
Hard Digest November 16: Early Access Nightmares, Rib Removal, Bartenders, and More
Guitarist Has Recurring Nightmare That Crowd Can Actually Hear BassistBy Carson KilePHILADELPHIA — Local guitarist Diego Luna of the punk outfit The Nutchests reported suffering from a recurring nightmare where the crowd can actually hear their bassist’s performance, horrified sources report.“Normally, I can slee...
Hard Digest November 15: Trump Picks, Early Access Sorrow Harvesters, Cigarettes, brat, and More
Overly Confident Matt Gaetz Claims He Could Expose Himself to a Tween on Fifth Avenue and He Wouldn’t Lose Any FollowersBy Tim SheardWASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any support from his base, disgusted DC in...
Hard Digest November 14: Matt Gaetz, Early Access George R.R. Martin, Crust Punks, Sleep Schedules, and More
Attorney General Nominee Matt Gaetz Requests to Be Sworn in on Epstein’s Little Black BookBy Matt HusserWASHINGTON — Former Florida Congressman and current Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz reportedly put in an unorthodox request today after asking to be sworn in on Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book, sources ...
MVP: Reel Big Fish "Sellout"
It's about time we did a ska video, so this week Bill and Dan break down the 1996 video classic "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish. So go ahead and pretend you never had a ska phase, we know the truth and we know you love this song. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEKbFMvkLIc
Hard Digest November 13: Early Access Tubi, Goodreads, Drummers, and More
Second Page of Tubi Search Results Offers Horrifying Glimpse Into the Absolute Dregs of Human Creative OutputBy Steve PackoskySALEM, Ore. – Local resident Lourdes Castello caught a horrifying glimpse into the worst creative slop humanity has to offer when she casually searched streaming platform Tubi for a movie she ...
Hard Digest November 12: Early Access Grindcore, Dive Bar Toilets, Pop Punk Frontmen, and More
Grindcore Frontman with Writer’s Block Only Writing 19 Songs a DayBy Ben FriedmanFORT WORTH, Texas — The lead singer of local grindcore band Razor Masturbator found his creative output drop dramatically after his debilitating writer’s block had him down to writing only 19 songs per day, bandmates have confirmed....
Hard Digest November 11: Early Access Dave Grohl, Midwest Punks, and More
Dave Grohl Forced to Tell Second Family About Even Secreter Third FamilyBy Travis TackBANGOR, Maine — Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl was left with no choice but to tell his second family about his even more confidential family, confirmed sources wondering how many others he had.“The other day, out of the blue, Dave...
Hard Digest November 10: Early Access Slayer, Mike Patton, Mixing, and More
Middle-Aged Man Wearing Slayer Shirt Automatically Prescribed Hypertension Medicine Upon Walking Into Doctor’s OfficeBy Steve PackoskyDALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to Southwest Dallas Medical Pract...
Hard Digest November 9: Early Access Marilyn Manson, "Welcome to the Jungle," and More
Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Depict First Telling of Marilyn Manson Rib Surgery StoryBy Carson KileCLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Archaeologists reportedly uncovered ancient cave paintings that depict the very first telling of the Marilyn Manson rib surgery story, amazed sources say.“It confirms a lot of theories we have ...
Hard Digest November 8: Early Access Matt Skiba, Serial Killers, and More
Matt Skiba Stares Out Rain Flecked Window Wondering if Mark and Travis Think About Him TooBy Matt OrienteCHICAGO — Former Blink-182 guitarist Matt Skiba was seen staring out a window on a rainy day this past week while wondering if Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker think about him too, confirmed sources.“Yeah, of cours...
Hard Digest November 7: More Election Fallout and Early Access Posts
J.D. Vance Makes History as the First Openly “Extremely Unsettling to Be Around” Vice PresidentBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — Vice President-elect J.D. Vance made history earlier this week when he became the first person to hold the office who is extremely unsettling to be around and genuinely unpleasant to ...
MVP: Rage Against the Machine "Testify"
Rage Against the Machine fixed politics back in 2000, and ever since then nothing has ever gone wrong. Today Bill and Dan break down this music video that destroyed the two-party system.Watch the video: https://youtu.be/Q3dvbM6Pias?si=ErZj9P_I-OmxWnHO
Hard Digest November 6: Election Fallout, Early Access Articles, and More
History Buff Excited to Experience What 1930s Germany Was LikeBy Tim GrahamBINGHAMTON, N.Y. – Local World War II enthusiast Edward Spencer says he is looking forward to witnessing the rise of fascism unfold in real-time, horrified sources confirm.“It’s pretty rare that you get an opportunity to watch a historical...
Hard Digest November 5: Election Coverage and Early Access Articles
Trump Makes Final Appeal to Voters “If You Don’t Vote For Me I’ll Fucking Kill You”By The Hard Times StaffWEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump made a last-minute appeal to all potential voters with a simple message: “If you don’t vote for me I’ll fucking kill you,” confirmed multiple witness...
Hard Digest November 4: Kamala Harris, Quincy Jones, Early Access Rice-A-Roni, Jay Gatsby, and More
Kamala Harris Lead Jumps in Iowa After Naming “Vol 3. (The Subliminal Verses)” as Favorite Slipknot AlbumBy Ben FriedmanDES MOINES, Iowa — A new poll shows Kamala Harris’ lead over Donald Trump nearly doubled after telling rallygoers that her favorite Slipknot album was by far “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses)...
Hard Digest November 3: Early Access Soul Patches, Tour Riders, and More
Friends Stage Emergency Intervention Over Man’s Refusal to Shave Soul PatchBy Ben FriedmanBUFFALO, N.Y. — Local man Greg Wachowski was surprised by an intense and emotional intervention regarding his refusal to shave his soul patch, concerned friends have confirmed.“It’s been a tumultuous evening, but it was a ...
Hard Digest November 2: Early Access Skinheads, Elder Abuse, Tattoos, and More
Reformed Skinhead Speaking Engagements Dry Up as Everyone Goes Back to Being RacistBy Matt OrienteBLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Reformed skinhead, public speaker, and talking head Tom Lupine is struggling to make ends meet as America’s racial tolerance landscape continues to shift, sources confirmed.“I was an angry kid loo...
Hard Digest November 1: J.D. Vance, Early Access Political Ads, Municipal Waste, The Art of War, and More
J.D. Vance Assures Rogan Listeners He’s Just a Normal Guy Bankrolled By Multiple Vindictive Billionaires Like Everyone Else He Grew Up With In His Rust Belt TownBy The Hard Times StaffAUSTIN, Texas — J.D. Vance sat down for a three-hour interview with popular podcaster Joe Rogan to let potential voters know he’s ...
