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Hard Digest November 4: Kamala Harris, Quincy Jones, Early Access Rice-A-Roni, Jay Gatsby, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-05 01:00:04 +0000 UTCKamala Harris Lead Jumps in Iowa After Naming “Vol 3. (The Subliminal Verses)” as Favorite Slipknot Album
By Ben Friedman
DES MOINES, Iowa — A new poll shows Kamala Harris’ lead over Donald Trump nearly doubled after telling rallygoers that her favorite Slipknot album was by far “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses),” campaign officials confirmed.
“Boy do I love this album, Doug and I used to listen to it on repeat when we first started dating so it reminds me of a simpler time. Musically it’s their most cohesive album socially and those quieter acoustic moments really make songs like ‘Pulse of the Maggots’ hit even harder. That was also my favorite lineup too, I mean Joey Jordison was the best, right folks?” said Harris. “As president, I will sign the ‘Virus of Life Act’ which will ensure the album is released as a 20th anniversary double vinyl deluxe record with the Japanese bonus track. And you better believe it’ll be pressed right here in Iowa, because a record this fucking heavy should be made right here in the USA.”
Iowans who’d been on the fence about the election candidates admitted Harris’ endorsement was a welcome surprise.
“I was leaning towards Trump because of his immigration policies, Iowa is just a mere 1,200 miles from the Mexican after all. Not to mention I’ve never voted for a Democrat so I was shocked when she name-dropped ‘The Subliminal Verses’ because you better fucking believe that’s my favorite album too. The way she weaved the lyrics of ‘Duality’ into her plan for taking on price gouging sold me all the way,” said Cedar Rapids resident Shawn Willis. “While I have my doubt’s she’s ever listened to the album at full volume while crushing a 30-rack of Coors in a barn with the boys, I’ve never heard Trump mention nu metal in any capacity, and I don’t think that’s someone I can trust.”
After the release of the new polls, Trump campaign staffers were in full panic mode.
“We got completely blindsided by this one. Shouldn’t it be Slipknot endorsing her and not the other way around? I told Donald a thousand times, along with denying knowledge of Project 2025 and knowing Epstein, to bring up Iowa bands other than Stone Sour. And that’s on top of him being oblivious to Corey Taylor being in the band too,” said strategist Paul Hemsworth. “She’s basically locked up the white male millennial demographic and we’re not gonna come close. Maybe if we have him name drop the Everly Brothers we can hope to still secure the boomers.”
Harris’ favorability increased further after husband Doug Emhoff was seen leaving a local record store and proudly showing off a copy of “Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.”
Lucky Bastard: Quincy Jones Dies Before Having to Deal With Election Day
By Legendary musician, producer, and seemingly the luckiest son of a bitch around, Quincy Jones died at his home in Bel Air Sunday night just a few hours before America turns into a complete and utter shitstorm on election day.
Jones’ contributions to music are vast, having worked with Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and producing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Which became the best-selling album of all time. Additionally, his well-timed death at 91 years old means he will not have to watch heavily armed militia groups stalk the streets of battleground states screaming about voter fraud. While highly paid lawyers do their best to look for loopholes in a 250-year-old document that will return a tyrant to power.
His impressive career spanned nearly 70 years. He oversaw the recording of “We Are the World” in 1985 and organized President Clinton’s first inaugural celebration. He is remembered by his wife, his children, and all of us who are forced to suffer through a hotly contested election season with disinformation spewing from every corner of the internet and on cable television channels 24 hours a day. Playing some of his records on full blast might be the only way to keep yourself from gouging out your eyeballs or shoving an ice pick into your ears in order to escape the non-stop chatter of pundits.
The list of honors Jones earned over the years include 28 Grammy Awards, two honorary Academy Awards and an Emmy for “Roots.” Meanwhile, we are left stockpiling shelf-stable goods and hunkering down as the next Civil War approaches. Americans from all sides of the political spectrum are expected to nervously watch election results all the while Jones gets to remain dead, without a fucking care in the goddamn world.
As an activist Jones championed the fight against HIV and AIDS, strived to educate children, and help the poor around the world. Meanwhile, we are all welcoming the sweet relief of death with less than 24 hours until November 5th. If we weren’t such cowards we would join Jones. We have the means, we have the motivation, we just don’t have the guts to follow through with it.
New Ad Campaign for Rice-A-Ronie Embraces its Roots in the Bay Area Thrash Metal Scene
By Chris Bowen
SAN FRANCISCO — Local boxed food mix Rice-A-Ronie unveiled a new advertising campaign that featured them embracing their roots in the Bay Area thrash metal scene, confirmed sources who thought it was about time for that.
“Exodus, Testament, Rice-A-Ronie. When you think of Northern California thrash in the early ‘80s, you will forever think of the San Francisco treat,” said marketing coordinator Stacey Liu. “The regional scene had a so-called ‘Big Six’ of entities. However, our new ad features our product as the seventh wonder of the Bay Area thrash scene. Sure, some are saying our use of Death Angel’s ‘Humanicide’ in the commercial is a little out of touch because the ingredient list includes a bunch of unpronounceable chemicals like disodium inosinate. But I assure you, we are not trying to commit genocide on the human race via processed rice. We just want to let the general public know we are still a thing and cut off our sleeves just like the everyday consumer.”
The new campaign appeared to be a smashing success within the metalhead community.
“I haven’t thought about eating rice out of a cardboard box since 1997,” said longtime metal fan Blake Carpenter. “But after seeing the ad I’m suddenly in the mood for cheddar broccoli rice pilaf that only takes three minutes to make in the microwave. In fact, I recently found myself buying every flavor from the grocery store. I’ve never been personally marketed to and to be honest, it’s quite refreshing. More capitalism should be geared towards me via Lȧȧz Rockit specifically.”
Local experts have noted that this wasn’t the first time a food product attempted to reach a more alternative demographic.
“Companies have been trying extremely hard to win over particular music scenes for decades,” said advertising director Gloria Bennett. “Hamburger Helper once attempted and failed to win over the DC hardcore scene. The people behind Stove Top’s stuffing mix went hard after the ‘90s Seattle grunge scene, but they were more of store brand fans. Not to mention, Count Chocula targeted goths hard in the ‘80s. That one actually worked. Still to this day, Boo Berry is the go-to breakfast for people who liked ‘The Crow’ movie.”
At press time, the marketing company doubled-down on the campaign after paying Kirk Hammett $50,000 to appear in one of their commercials.
The Next Jay Gatsby? This Asshole From Long Island Keeps Drunk Dialing His Ex
By Ben Friedman
Nostalgia can be as intoxicating as the most powerful liquor. In the events of the literary masterpiece “The Great Gatsby”, mixing nostalgia and actual liquor results in a bonafide shitshow. Jay Gatsby’s downfall was a direct result of his obsession with trying to win back his old love via the most extravagant means possible, and boy did it backfire.
This is also the case of Oyster Bay, Long Island’s John Amato who has been non-stop drunk dialing his ex-girlfriend all night.
The similarities are pretty eerie. Both obtained their wealth via unsavory means, with Gatsby making it rich in bootlegging and Kyle boosting copper wiring from the new Amazon warehouse under construction. And we know this because Amato walked up to us unprovoked and began regaling us with his life story after a night of pounding vermouth and champagne. Though we’re pretty sure the green light John keeps staring at across the bay is a BP gas station.
So if that makes us his own Nick Carraway by default (though we’d prefer he calls us “old sport” or “bean” instead of “fucking guy”), his Daisy is college sweetheart Rosalin. From what he’s told us though barely intelligible ramblings, he’s adamant he can repeat the past, because as he puts it “nobody he’s known since has had big naturals like hers”.
“Rosalin? HEY ROSE! Fucking voicemail again. Babe listen, things are different now. I’m totally loaded now and I know a guy who can get us a table at Coco Bongo Lounge. Please I haven’t gotten a DUI in like three weeks.” For our sake she better pick up, because something tells us if she doesn’t, Johnny boy here is going to drag us back to his place for a debaucherous rager with the locals.
Surprisingly enough, this is a weekly occurrence. Some say John spends much of his free time staring across the bay, wistfully reminiscing about the time he and Rosalin banged in the handicap stall at an Islanders game. Others say he’s reeking of Fireball and trying to look into her new boyfriend’s parents’ vacation home with a pair of binoculars, hoping to catch him cheating on her with some local floozie.
But as with Gatsby and Daisy, it’ll never be for John and Rosalin either unless he miraculously sobers up. And so he beats on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past and towards a restraining order.
Nation’s Horror Writers Announce Plans to Continue Killing Every Single Dog That Makes Its Way Into Their Stories
By Steve Packosky
CHICAGO — The nation’s screen and novel horror writers resolved to continue killing every single dog that is unfortunate enough to make its way into their stories, visibly upset sources reported.
“The official plan of this country’s writers is to continue needlessly including dogs as ancillary elements in our plots solely for the purpose of being killed off in a way that alerts the main characters to the peril of their situations,” said Corbin Hartz, spokesperson for the National Alliance of Horror Writers. “Their deaths, while completely predictable, will nonetheless be traumatic experiences for the consumers of our content who can’t stomach the thought of harm befalling our canine friends. If we could’ve killed five dogs in ‘The Babadook’ instead of just the one we absolutely would have.”
Horror fan Ashley Herbert expressed dismay at the writers’ decision.
“It’s getting increasingly more difficult to reconcile my love of dogs with my love of horror,” Herbert offered as she dried the tear stains off her copy of “Cunning Folk” by Adam Nevill. “I couldn’t give less of a shit if a human is killed in a movie or book, but the second something happens to a dog I just fall apart. One of my favorite movies is ‘The Thing,’ and I’ve only seen the kennel scene once. I always fast-forward through it on my rewatches. Every time there’s a dog in something, I just have to brace myself for its imminent death.”
Writer and fictional dog-killing master Stephen King weighed in on the situation.
“I applaud the Alliance’s decision to continue the storied tradition of killing off K-9 pets in our stories for no reason,” King stated. “Ever since I included the traveling salesman kicking a dog to death in ‘The Dead Zone,’ I knew I had stumbled into my niche of torturing readers who were just looking for a good horror read. I’ve been pleased to see other writers continue in this vein, and when I see a dog in a horror movie, I know it’s just a matter of time before the poor thing runs off-screen in a heartbreaking attempt to protect its master, with its distant, echoed yelp of pain alerting the viewer to its demise. It warms my heart every time.”
At press time, the nation’s horror video game creators announced plans to continue putting the player in situations in which they must shoot dogs to progress the storyline.
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“Inside Out 3” Preemptively Casts Steve Buscemi as the “Horniness” Emotion
BY Alex Vlahov
EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Casting directors on Pixar’s ‘Inside Out 3’ have locked in Steve Buscemi as the embodiment of Horniness in the third installment.
“I’m thrilled to be involved with another Pixar project, especially after my fantastic experience on ‘Monsters, Inc.’,” claimed Buscemi while biting into a leaky tuna sandwich on a subway train. “I promise to bring a certain bleary, fumbling, sweaty stalker vibe to the role of Horniness. To get into the mood, I plan on recording only after digesting a homebrew of crushed Viagra, cayenne pepper, puree’d onion and garlic chives. To reconnect with kids today, I’ve downloaded TikTok. But I’ve found it more helpful to go back to the 16mm stag films and nudie mags of my youth, to really unlock the organic experience of puberty, all over again. I’ll be frank: that stepmother from ‘Cinderella’ really got my engine roaring when I was a teen. I just hope I can do the same for the youth of today.”
Executive producer Cassandra Carmichael championed the decision.
“We couldn’t be more thrilled with Steve onboard,” shared Carmichael beside Horniness character prototypes. “From conception to final edit, we deeply consider character design. Of course we’ll be incorporating those inimitable Buscemi eyes. Then, it’s all about where we take the character – is this a pimply teenager? Is this a creep in a trenchcoat? Maybe a combination of both, we’re in the storytelling exploration stage. Our animators are conducting research by visiting parking lots of high school proms, while cross-referencing the remaining adult theaters. New scenarios for Riley include a sudden attraction to a billboard ad, a post-football game makeout sesh under the bleachers, or accidentally discovering a hermit’s porn stash in the woods.”
Self-professed ‘Disney Adult’ and annual passholder Luke Migoolhy could barely contain his excitement.
“Can’t tell you what this news means to me,” said Migoolhy, waiting in line to meet Snow White for the second time that day in Disneyland. “Finally, a character that can reflect my own deep desires, especially concerning parasocial romantic emotions directed toward Disney characters. I’m so attracted to Steve Buscemi’s earlier Disney work, specifically his appearances in ‘G-Force’ and ‘Home on the Range’. Those are bad hotties, only to be outdone by Horniness in ‘Inside Out 3’. Can’t wait to meet that character, here at the park. I’ve been an annual passholder since 2006, so I’m entitled to do what I want here. They can ask me not to track character actor schedules, but I’ll still be here everyday!”
At press time, an additional casting announcement has been released regarding Paul Giamatti as Gloom in ‘Inside Out 3,’ set to be recorded standing in the puddle of an abandoned factory.
Staggering 80% of Bad Guys Wearing Suits in Action Film Know Kung Fu
BY Casey Smith
BOSTON — In collaboration with Good Guys Who Know Kung Fu, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology combed through days of action films and discovered that a staggering 80% of bad guys wearing suits know kung fu.
“This study was stupid and important,” said MIT student Garvin Portnoy, who came to the “80% Bad Guy Kung Fu” realization when playing C-list action films as white noise while conducting disease research in his spare time. “Our studies have blown the world of bad guys wearing suits knowing kung fu in action films wide open. Yes, the parallels have always been there, we just needed the technology and the funds to recognize how dumb and frequent this pattern is.”
One hero claimed that he had known of this phenomenon for some time, and that the math wasn’t always so simple.
“I can usually spot the 80 percent of asses that will get kicked pretty quickly,” stated Trap Blazer, hero of many straight-to-streaming action epics. “As a good guy who knows kung fu, it’s safe to assume four sharply dressed thugs drinking generic beer at a pool table know kung fu, but the guy who clings to a wall the moment the first kick connects is the one who doesn’t know kung fu.”
Several bad guys noted how this study could factor into future staffing decisions.
“We have a reputation for being bad and knowing kung fu, but there’s a lot of simple math involved too,” says Crowbar, a one dimensional bad guy who knows kung fu. “Eight percent may sound like a lot, but it might not be as great as you think. For example, let’s say that you need 100 mooks. Well, you should know that only 80 of the thugs are going to know kung fu and 20 are ready to rat you out.”
At press time, Garvin published another study showing that the ability of wooden furniture to provide cover from gunfire depended heavily upon the importance of the character hiding behind it.
Five Things You Can Build in “Tears of the Kingdom” That Will Put You on the FBI’s Most Wanted List
BY “The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” has been out for over a year and people are just now beginning to tap into the sheer brilliance of the game’s crafting systems. It has all the same ingredients as its predecessor, while offering even more possibilities for the most ambitious of gamers. Players can now build planes that actually fly in the air, cars that can take you across the map faster than any Epona wannabe, and even boats for the douchebaggiest of players.
But, as with every new innovation, these mechanics also create new opportunities for human failure. One thing Nintendo will never be able to defeat is an incel with an appetite for destruction. That being said, here are five things you can build in “The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” that will definitely put you on the FBI’s Most Wanted List:
1. Messerschmitt Bf 109
First introduced by Germany during the Spanish Civil War, these bombers were “the backbone of Luftwaffe’s fighter force,” through the end of World War II. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed Link will feel right at home in the cockpit!
2. Replica of Osama Bin Laden’s hideout
In ToTK, players must venture into the depths of Hyrule to gather research, battle foes, and further the story. The underground is lined with floor-to-ceiling rock walls that players can scale, explore, or use to hide from enemies. As one astute gamer pointed out, they bear a striking resemblance to the cavernous Afghani tunnels used by the former leader of the Taliban.
3. 1933 Ford V8 Police Car
The exact car used by Public Enemy No. 1, John Dillinger, to escape from prison in Crown Point, Indiana. It may be bulky, but everyone needs an escape from time to time!
4. Boeing 767
Before these planes started losing doors and falling out of the sky mid-flight, the Boeing 767 was already making headlines for its use in the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center. However, with the addition of Skyview Towers sprinkled throughout Hyrule, players are warned of flying too close to the towers, or they may end up with an experience they will never forget.
5. Flying Swastika
Admit it, you’re just being lazy at this point.
