thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest November 24: War Crimes, Early Access Punks, Sobriety, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-25 01:00:05 +0000 UTCNetanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game Night
By JERUSALEM — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday, despite protests from family members and political allies who desperately wanted alternative entertainment options, sources who heard weary sighs from the Prime Minister’s residence confirmed.
“We can’t even get through a single game of Risk anymore,” said IDF commander Herzi Halevi, while stress-eating from a bowl of confiscated UNRWA rice. “Last time we tried, Bibi spent forty-five minutes arguing that the borders on the game board were ‘historically inaccurate propaganda.’ Then he pulled out a Sharpie and started redrawing territory lines until the board was completely unusable. We had to throw it away when he started claiming the Mediterranean coastline was all ‘contested waters’ and drew a security buffer zone through Egypt. Multiple Risk sessions ended with him immediately retreating his pieces to the American continent, despite repeated explanations that the U.S. cannot actually veto other player’s turns.”
Netanyahu’s enthusiasm reached its peak during the fourth round when he revealed what he considered a masterful strategic move.
“Everyone expected me to play the ‘Forced displacement’ card – such predictable thinking,” Netanyahu declared while adjusting his reading glasses and grinning. “I’ve been holding onto ‘Starvation as a method of warfare’ since the first hand. When you play it during the humanitarian aid round, it’s worth triple points. The key is timing! These amateurs always go for the obvious moves, but the subtle approach of restricting basic necessities is how you rack up points. It’s all about the long game.”
Rian Draper, creator of the controversial board game, announced an upcoming expansion pack with historical themes.
“We’re excited to release our ‘Oops! All War Crimes’ bonus cards for the holiday season,” Draper explained. “It features classic additions like ‘Smallpox Blankets,’ ‘Agent Orange,’ and ‘Belgian Congo Rubber Quotas.’ Players can also look forward to our new ‘Plausible Deniability’ mechanic where you can claim your war crimes were actually just military necessities. The expansion even includes updated terms like ‘International Guidelines’ instead of the outdated ‘International Law.’”
At press time, Netanyahu was seen taking copious amounts of notes while watching the film, “Get Hard.”
Opinion: If I Had to Trade My Sobriety for One Thing, I Think It Would Be the Ability To Get as Fucked up as Humanly Possible Whenever I Felt Like It All the Time
By You know what the worst part about being sober is? I’ll let you guess. Okay, answer time: the fact that I can’t get rip-roaring drunk whenever I want, which is all the time. But here’s the thing: AA says that even if you haven’t drank for five or 10 years, you’re still an alcoholic. So if we’re resorting to name-calling, then I may as well look the part, right? I’m still going to wear my bathrobe everywhere and scream at my roommates when they’re getting ready for work in the morning for disturbing my slumber.
Whenever somebody refers to me as a “dry drunk,” it’s just their way of calling me an asshole, which is pretty on the nose. But at least back in my drinking days, I had an excuse for my reprehensible behavior. “Sorry, I just got so hammered” was such a banger line that would temporarily get me out of trouble until I displayed the same exact behavior, without fail, just a few days later. But these days, when I promise to drive my friend to the airport and bail at the last minute because a new episode of The Penguin came out, and I also had no intention of driving them in the first place, suddenly I’m pushing things too far.
Speaking of driving, next time somebody asks me if I want a soda for the road, I’m going to punch them in the throat. Let me be very clear here– “road sodas” aren’t the same when you’re sober. Apparently you’re being offered an actual fucking can of soda. There’s 46 grams of sugar and a healthy dose of Red 40 in a can of Mountain Dew Code Red. Are you kidding me? If I’m going to poison myself for the love of the game, then there has to be an upside.
What, are you going to tell me that there’s a timeless thrill to pounding seven Diet Cokes and getting behind the wheel? I can assure you that until you get pulled over, hop out of the car, throw the keys into the marsh, and pound a pint of vodka before a field sobriety test can be administered with skewed numbers because they can’t tell for certain whether you were drinking before the altercation, you’ll never know the true, unbridled joy that comes with pounding road sodas with reckless abandon like a boss.
But perhaps the worst part about sobriety is the feeling of feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a mushy and sentimental guy… I’m talking about literal physical pain. Sure, there’s the emotional pain of being dumped by your girlfriend for making yet another scene at her family reunion (I pissed on the charcuterie board), but even worse, I can’t do a backflip off the deck into the bushes as a party trick without being down for the count for at least a week. Offer me all the LaCroix and Spindrift you want, but you’re not going to see any more cool stunts because the “government” says I’m “a danger to myself and others” when I get shitfaced, and I have the ankle bracelet to prove it.
Lead Singer Feels No Need to Tell Crowd He Can’t Hear Them After They Do A Legitimately Good Job Screaming The First Time
By Stephen Bell
JACKSONVILLE – Lead singer of the alt-rock band Up Above declined to tell the audience he couldn’t hear them as they legitimately did a very good job of screaming the first time they were prompted to do so, sources report.
“I pride myself on being an honest person,” said lead singer Kevin Barret. “Which is why when I heard the crowd scream their cacophonous asses off when I asked them ‘are you ready to rock,’ I knew I couldn’t follow up with the stereotypical ‘I can’t hear you.’ I could hear them—very clearly, in fact. They were legitimately loud as hell, it startled me. It would have felt like cruel gaslighting to try and tell them that I couldn’t and I don’t want them to question their sanity. If I had lied to them then I’d be no better than Dave Grohl lying to his wife.”
Excited concertgoers were legitimately proud of what they had achieved that night.
“I have been to dozens of their shows, and the lead singer will always say they can’t hear us,” said longtime fan Erika Strauss. “But it happened. We finally screamed loud enough for them to not tell us to scream again. Every frontman will patronize the crowd by telling them they’re the best damn crowd in the world, except this time, I think we really were. All my hard work finally paid off. I’ve been screaming in my office bathroom for weeks on my lunchbreak to prepare for this. All the meetings with HR telling me to stop because I’m scaring people were worth it.”
The sound operator for the show said that they are pumped to have gotten a recording, because they don’t think they’ll ever get a better crowd noise sample.
“Everyone knows the Wilhelm scream as a famous audio clip that gets used in many movies and TV shows,” said sound operator David Chan. “Well, I can’t wait until I upload this crowd noise online because it will become the standard. This will be the sample played during epic battles in films. This will be the clip that football teams pipe into their stadiums when the Patriots try to cheat. This noise will be the noise cops use to scare away homeless people from their encampments. That’s how ear-splittingly loud this crowd was.”
At press time, it was confirmed that Barret was no longer able to hear the crowd as they had ruptured his now profusely bleeding eardrums.
Local Punk Secretly Livid His Appearance Doesn’t Shock Anyone
By Evan Vest
MILWAUKEE — Local punk Noah Vickens harbored resentment against people who don’t bat an eye at his appearance, confirmed sources who shrugged their shoulders as he walked by.
“Well, it’s kinda bullshit if I can be real with you,” said Vickens while smoking cigarettes in the parking lot of a local library. “When I was 17, I got the full spectrum of reactions. Disgusted looks, staring, bus drivers sadly shaking their heads when I would board. Now I’m 27 and I am lucky if I get someone to do a double-take, let alone a spit take. I would have never taken the time to learn how to sew on this Leftöver Crack back patch if I knew that one day strangers would stop coming up to ask for tips on hemming and backstitching. I am so much more than my crocheting skills. For instance, I also wear a wallet chain.”
Community members admit they barely even notice Vickens out in public.
“I first noticed it last week at this Kwik-Stop,” said friend Marky Tailwater. “We went to get cigarettes after scraping together change we found on the floor of my car. He walked in with his mohawk, tattoos, and piercings, and he had this big smirk on his face like he was expecting the clerk to call the cops. Instead, the guy behind the counter just said ‘Hey guys’ and continued checking their phone. Noah was so pissed that he left in a huff, and we had to try again at a different convenience store. I think he’s getting irritated that his public presence doesn’t have the same shock value as it did in like, 1994.”
Local Librarian Alicia Crusyn had her own view on the situation.
“I’ve known Noah since he was very young, and it’s been a joy to watch him grow,” said Crusyn while making her alphabetizing rounds. “He comes in very frequently to use the computers and has also rented all of the ‘Decline of Western Civilization’ DVDs several times. He’s a wonderful, polite young person whose unique sense of style is always welcome at our public library. My only wish is that he would tell me where he got those cool studs for his jacket. I really want to bedazzle my outerwear too.”
At press time, Vickens finally got the shocked reactions he sought after by appearing at a local punk show while wearing a clean-collared shirt.
More From The Hard Times:
Six Songs We Listened To This Week That Would Make Better Cabinet Picks Than This Nonsense
Fleeing Americans Excited to Explore Better Netflix Libraries
BY Gary Kerls
COPENHAGEN — American progressives following through on drunken election night declarations that they would leave the country report that they are looking forward to exploring the more bountiful streaming libraries in the new home countries, sources confirm.
“It’s gonna be really hard being so far away from my parents,” says swing state liberal Amanda Atkins. “The only thing that’s keeping me committed is knowing that Netflix in Denmark still has all of “The Office.””
A handful of expatriates are considering exotic streaming libraries when choosing which country to spend the next four years. The availability of comfort shows may sway these self-proclaimed refugees.
“The language barrier is a huge factor for me,” says one exiting liberal surveying the airport’s departure schedule. “But does not knowing Japanese really outweigh being able to watch “Cowboy Bebop” on Japanese Netflix? Decisions, decisions.”
Experts on immigration have been baffled by the priority Americans have regarding their accessibility to entertainment. Universal healthcare, a strong economy, and access to good education appear to be non-issues to the Americans who are wealthy enough to pack up and leave. Never before has a politically motivated withdrawal relied so heavily on if Hulu will still have all of “Bob’s Burgers.”
“I’ve studied similar trends like this in correlation to past US Presidential elections,” says Patricia Kohl, a Global Issues and Political Science Professor at the University of Toronto. “People claiming to flee the United States after Trump’s first election in 2016 had a much easier time making the decision given there were only two major streaming platforms, the market was small, it was a great time to get out.”
Streaming services have taken notice of this trend and have begun stocking their foreign libraries with universal comfort shows, however history shows that after an hour of browsing the average American will still just put on a random YouTube video.
At press time, any American sticking it out for Trump’s next four years will be given a 15% off discount code for NordVPN to explore the wonders of streaming abroad from the comfort of their own home.
