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Hard Digest November 9: Early Access Marilyn Manson, "Welcome to the Jungle," and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-10 01:00:04 +0000 UTCNewly Discovered Cave Paintings Depict First Telling of Marilyn Manson Rib Surgery Story
By Carson Kile
CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Archaeologists reportedly uncovered ancient cave paintings that depict the very first telling of the Marilyn Manson rib surgery story, amazed sources say.
“It confirms a lot of theories we have had for years about the origin of that legend,” said tenured archaeology professor Adam Patel as he erased a crudely drawn mustache and devil horns off of one of the painted figures. “This painting shows that the story was passed down orally on playgrounds for generations, often by the kids whose parents let them watch R-rated movies by themselves. It’s amazing to see that tradition still being upheld today. We can tell by these markings that the speaker heard the tale from their older brother, who probably listened to an ancient genre of music called ‘igneous rock.’ Some notable bands from this era are Dinosaur Sr., Great-Great Grandpapa Roach, and the Rolling Stones. Not like a tongue-in-cheek, caveman parody of the Rolling Stones, but the actual Rolling Stones.”
Local conspiracy theorist Jo Baldwin had this to say about the historical discovery:
“This cave painting is clearly the work of aliens,” spat Jo as she turned the volume down on the YouTube Shorts she had been watching on her phone. “Isn’t it a little strange that multiple civilizations who never had any contact with one another all have their own versions of some ribless freak sucking his own dick? Obviously, Marilyn Manson is an immortal, extraterrestrial being who has been affecting the course of human history from the shadows. Actually, I wish it was from the shadows, so I wouldn’t have to look at his fugly mug anymore. I believe humans built the pyramids and landed on the moon, but no one is convincing me that ‘The Beautiful People’ is of human origin. That’s where I draw the line.”
Comedian and MMA commentator Joe Rogan also weighed in on the discovery in the latest episode of his podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience.”
“These cave paintings are products of a time when men were men,” said Joe Rogan, while applying carnauba wax to the top of his head. “Remember the good old days when you could pay thousands of dollars to surgically remove your ribs to suck your own penis and no one made a stink about it? Nowadays, the woke mob will never let you forget it. People are just way too sensitive. I’ve actually been training a new Jiu-Jitsu technique called the ‘Madonna Wayne Gacy’ that allows me to squish my body in a way that I can suck my own wang without having to go under the knife. Andrew Huberman told me that auto-fellatio increases your natural testosterone levels by 200%. I think that’s what he said, anyway.”
At press time, the researchers who made this amazing discovery are now following a lead on an ancient tome that allegedly contains the first “transgender Lady Gaga” rumor.
Fact Check: Did My Neighbor Connor Really Have a Foursome With Destiny’s Child When We Were in the Sixth Grade?
By Disinformation has always been an issue in our society, and with the rise of social media, bad actors have been given carte blanche to spread whatever falsehoods they desire without any fear of repercussion. Growing weary of the constant veil of distrust I have to apply, I have made it my mission to root out all disinformation I have encountered.
This leads me to my neighbor Connor. In the sixth grade, Connor told me that he “did fingers, mouth stuff, and even full-on sex” concurrently with every member of Destiny’s Child after attending one of their concerts. I considered Connor my friend and thus had no basis for not believing this claim which, over two decades later, appears dubious at best. I’ve hired the Hard Times to fact-check Connor, and with such a crack team of investigators now in my employ, I’m confident that I can get to the bottom of this.
According to Connor, he was roped into attending their concert near our hometown of Walnut Creek, California a couple weeks before Halloween with his family to celebrate his sister’s birthday. He thought their music was “fucking lame,” but was pleasantly surprised at the show’s conclusion when Kelly Rowland gestured for him to “come hither” and follow her backstage, where the collective tryst supposedly occurred in the group’s dressing room. Connor claimed to have completed the carnal act in time to join his family in the merch line to buy his sister a tour shirt before his absence had been detected.
VERDICT
False. While Destiny’s Child did play a show at the Concord Pavilion in Concord, CA on Sunday, October 15, 2000, Connor was not there. The Hard Times was able to confirm through multiple sources that, while Connor’s parents did take Caitlin to the Destiny’s Child concert, Connor himself was attending Dribble Drills basketball camp in the gymnasium of nearby Walnut Creek Intermediate School, having been driven there by the father of another camper. In fact, The Hard Times was able to procure an attendance sheet from the camp’s former director Ron Barrister who, while completely mystified at the request, assured us that the documentation was likely still in an old filing cabinet in his basement.
I have since called Connor in an effort to confront him about his blatant falsehoods. While he was at first pleased to hear from me, his tone quickly changed to one of disgusted bewilderment as his deceit was called out. Though his exact words were “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you not have anything better to do? I have to put my kid to bed. Jesus Christ, dude” before hanging up, it’s clear he was attempting to obfuscate the lies he had been caught making.
I would like to thank the Hard Times Fact Check Team for their diligence and attention to detail in bringing light to this flagrant and uncalled-for misrepresentation at the hands of Connor, and I hope he sees the ignominy associated with this article’s publication as an opportunit to portray his actions honestly going forward.
Rookie NFL Game DJ Mistakenly Presses “Crazy Train” Button Instead of “Welcome to the Jungle” Button
By GREEN BAY, Wisc. — Local man Jason Broderick committed a grievous error in pressing the “Crazy Train” button instead of the “Welcome to the Jungle” button during his first shift DJing a Packers home game at Lambeau Field, appalled sources report.
“Yeah, this one’s totally on me,” a red-faced Broderick said. “I was given in-depth instructions on what situations call for Ozzy and what situations call for Axl, this is worse than the day both my parents were killed in separate car accidents at the same exact time. I just hope the fans can forgive me. I feel awful, especially because I was so excited for this gig. I grew up a huge Packers fan, so I know the Cheeseheads are expecting to hear the appropriate music to express their mood at any given time during the game. I hope I can redeem myself.”
Packers fan Julie Hernandez was taken aback by Broderick’s misstep.
“It was the beginning of the second quarter and we were up by seven with the ball on the 46-yard line,” Hernandez noted. “It was first down because Jordan Love had just completed a pass to Christian Watson after a stellar punt return by Jayden Reed. Anybody with half a brain knows that the situation called for a sick Slash riff, so I was really surprised and, frankly, disgusted when I heard a Randy Rhoads guitar lick instead. What, did this guy think we were post-halftime and our defense was on the field? What the hell was he thinking?”
Broderick’s boss Veronica Simon expressed her displeasure at the poor performance of her protégé.
“We went over this repeatedly before he took the DJ booth,” Simon sighed. “Jason went through our mandatory month-long boot camp, and I really put him through the ringer because I believed in him and knew he could excel at this position. I know he went into his first day knowing exactly when to play each song, and he not only let me down, but he let down his team, his city, and the NFL at large. He could’ve been great, but maybe he’s just not ready for the big leagues. I’m going to give him another chance, but to be completely honest, I don’t have high hopes for him anymore.”
At press time, Simon had decided to postpone Broderick’s training on the “Enter Sandman” button, stating that he clearly wasn’t ready for it yet.
6 Times a Problem Came Along and “Whip It” Turned Out To Be a Terrible Solution
By Nathan Kamal
We all face problems in life, from agonizing over your crippling fear of commitment and proposing to your longtime partner to developing a crippling fear of rejection after they laugh in your face and break up with you. But there’s one thing you should know: despite what iconic art-rock provocateurs tell you, the answer to a problem is almost never “whip it.”
I should know. I have faced innumerable problems in my life that I thought could remedied by whipping them good, real good. I was almost always wrong. Here’s a non-inclusive list of six of those instances.
1. The year was 1987, and my parents saw nothing wrong in letting me listen to 104.7, the Station with Great Gustation. That’s how six-year-old me first heard the smash hit song “Whip It” and why I thought it was appropriate to deal with a report card filled with Ds by seizing a nearby pack of Red Vines at Kroger’s and whipping it. That only left yet more red marks on the page and I was grounded for two months, plus I can no longer enjoy the great taste of Red Vines without academic shame. That report card prevented me from ever studying archaeology beyond the grade school level.
2. Fast forward ten years, and I’m in high school. I plan to ask Mary-Jo Maryjosen to the prom, but I can’t afford a corsage. What to do? The answer, I promise you, is not to bust into a neighbor’s flower garden with a whip you borrowed from your uncle, the archaeologist, and attempt to whip the flowers into a passable corsage. My uncle died in Nepal two years later, which feels related.
3. Burdened by my increasing failures to resolve problems with a whip, I vowed to give the past a slip and take a course in conflict resolution. Long story short, I went to jail for two months for using a cat o’ nine tails in what I can now admit was clearly a hypothetical role-play scenario about job interviews.
4. This one is not my fucking fault. The cream sat out too long, and that louse Mark Mothersbaugh gave clear instructions about what to do in that circumstance. Motherfucker.
5. Picture this: you book a trip to Nepal in an effort to assuage the everpresent guilt of your archaeologist uncle’s death-by-rolling-boulder. American Airlines refuses to honor your frequent flyer miles, even though the fine print clearly states they are transferable. Nowhere does it say that the death-by-rolling-boulder of the original owner of the miles voids them. However, American Airlines has since added verbiage to its flight restrictions, saying that no one who has ever threatened to get straight, go forward, move ahead, or try to detect it will be allowed on a flight.
I also may have attempted to whip a Boeing 747 in desperation.
6. My most recent and, in many ways, most ill-judged attempt to whip it was simple. I was reading a scientific book about archaeologists at my local Denny’s. when who should enter but Mark Mothersbaugh, the author of all my pain. As if in a trance, I removed my fedora and seized a tablecloth, wringing it into an improvised whip with expertise that shocked even me.
As I pelted the Devo singer with lash after justified lash of tablecloth, he tried to explain that he was, in fact, Bob Mothersbaugh and did not write their iconic hit song.
Sorry, Bob.
Warner Bros. Announces New Popcorn Bucket With Accompanying Movie
BY Jake Mooney
BURBANK, Calif. — Warner Bros Studios has announced their 2025 slate, with “Untitled Popcorn Bucket Project” being a topic of discussion nationwide, confused sources confirmed.
“We’re really excited to share our newest projects with you,” Warner Bros spokesperson Maisie Paisley explained. “While we can’t dive too much into the details, we can tell you that this bucket will have a budget of $150 million and we hope it spawns a bucket-matic universe with at least three sequels. We can’t wait for you to see it! There will also be a movie to go along with it.”
Internal leaks have revealed just how comprehensive the bucket-making process has been. One memo revealed that Warner Bros hired a “Fuckability Consultant” to make their buckets both flirty and functional.
“It’s been one of the craziest projects I’ve ever been a part of,” Fuckability Consultant and former adult film prop artist John Raremy explained in a livestream after a search for the consultant went viral. “After the ‘Dune’ popcorn bucket became a de-facto Fleshlight, Warner Bros realized that centering their designs around sexual arousal would make them the most money, and thus hired me.”
While the popcorn bucket has dominated mainstream discourse regarding Warner Bros’ slate, others have tried to learn more about the movie accompanying the bucket.
“The writing process has been a nightmare,” Former staff writer Paige Turner expressed frustration about the lack of direction. “The executives just want us to write a movie around the bucket. So essentially all we have to work with is making a movie about something aluminum and fuckable; ‘Ex Machina’ has already been made! I had no choice but to resign along with a few of my coworkers.”
At press time, Warner Bros announced that both the popcorn bucket and its subsequent movie have been shelved and written off for tax purposes.
