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Hard Digest November 18: Early Access Math Rock, Twin Peaks, Manic Episodes, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-19 01:00:05 +0000 UTCMath Rock Band Keeps Accidentally Opening Wormholes on Stage
By RALEIGH, N.C. — Math rock band Integrals continuously had their live set interrupted by the wormholes their music was repeatedly formulating on stage, sources report.
“Christ, that was annoying,” mentioned drummer Jake Refner as he loaded up following the band’s performance. “We only got two songs in when it started. I had just completed the third time signature switch in ‘Abstract’ when this horrifying, empty vacuum suddenly appeared on stage where our bassist Dave had been standing. We had no choice but to continue playing, and when we reverted back to 5/4 he reappeared. Apparently it had transported him to the Messier 32 galaxy. It happened three more times before we just threw up our hands and called it quits.”
Audience member Ashley Linder was aggravated by the Einsteinium disruptions to the show.
“It really sucks that my favorite band can’t even play more than a few songs,” Linder sighed as she got in line at the merch table. “At least this time I got to hear ‘The Singularity.’ The last time I saw them their guitarist ended up getting stranded in the Maffei 1 galaxy the whole time. The rest of the guys were real troopers and kept playing, but it just wasn’t the same. Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised to see him back tonight. I had just assumed he was stuck there for good. I would love it if they could use their atypical rhythm structures and odd time signatures to suspend natural laws long enough for me to hear ‘Critical Point.’”
Sharon Gottier, Professor of Mathematics at Duke University, weighed in on the situation.
“Prior to the advent of math rock, wormholes only existed in theory as hypothetical portals traversing space and time,” Gottier offered. “I have been researching them for decades, and it figures that some band comprised of elitist assholes accidentally accomplished more on stage than I ever could have dreamed. I just received recognition for my peer-reviewed publication on traversable wormholes in quantum gravity, but do you think that’s going to compare with what happened at the Moxy Theater tonight? I’ll be lucky if I don’t end up losing funding over this.”
At press time, the show was indefinitely postponed when black metal headliner Kristus Død accidentally transported the entire venue into the Tolkien universe.
Everything I Care To Know About Jazz I Learned From the “Twin Peaks” Soundtrack
By Zachary Wolf
For a long time I wanted to learn about jazz, but didn’t know where to start. One day I was listening to the Twin Peaks soundtrack and thought “Jeez, it’s hard to imagine jazz getting any better than this, so why bother going further?” and I’m proud to say I didn’t!
The soundtrack is by a guy named Angelo Badalamenti. At first, I thought he was some classy Italian composer that wears a tux and summers in Monaco. But, as it turns out, he’s just a working-class wiseguy from Brooklyn, just like me! Va fangool! Even so, what he does with his little electric piano is pure magic.
What really makes the soundtrack jazzy is when the drummer uses a brush on the snare. At least I think he does. I’m not wealthy enough to truly understand jazz.
Sure I could learn about improvisation, call and response, and syncopation, like so-called jazz experts talk about. But at the end of the day, Badalamenti plays happy jazz at the happy parts of the show, and scary jazz when the show is scary. Get outta here! So good. I never saw Cab Calloway or whoever do that.
My personal favorite songs from the soundtrack are “Falling,” “The Nightingale,” and “Into the Night,” because the lyrics really help me understand what the songs are about, you know? I also really like “Audrey’s Dance,” but that’s mainly because I’d like to dance with Audrey myself, if you know what I’m saying!
“Dance of the Dream Man” is really jazzy too, because the bass walks like “bam bam bam bam-bam bam bam,” and also has a saxophone or a trumpet or something. Maybe a clarinet? Not sure which. Plus the song has snapping, which seems like a jazz thing to do.
“The Bookhouse Boys” is a good song too, and just because I wish I was a Bookhouse Boy myself. How great would it be to see another member of a secret society out in public and salute them from your temple as a secret greeting? Plus that song has a piano, I think, like a lot of jazz is supposed to.
In conclusion, I’m sure jazz artists like Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Chet Baker, and Miles Davis are super important or whatever; but, with all due respect, the jazzy sounds of the Pacific-Northwest town of Twin Peaks are all I really care to know about the genre.
Manic Episode Brings Woman to Baseline Confidence
By Malia Simon
NEW YORK — Local 27-year-old Kaitlyn Myers reportedly underwent the most extreme manic episode of her life that, by everyone else’s standards, pretty much just looked like a good day.
“It was a wild ride. It was like one day I was my usual self, the next I woke up and could look in the mirror without instinctively going ‘disgusting piece of shit,’” said Myers. “I’m pretty new to these delusions of grandeur. It reminded me of that one time I snorted eight lines of cocaine and just felt hope. Pretty soon my God complex got so out of control I was leaving my house and walking up to restaurants just to try out my new ability of looking waitstaff in the eye. I was like, ‘Is this how you all feel all the time? ‘Cause now I get it! If this were my life, I’d be using public bathrooms too!’”
Myers’ mother confirmed this erratic behavior was extremely worrisome.
“When my daughter informed me she had scheduled her own dentist appointment, I had to come get her before she started climbing rooftops claiming to be the Messiah,” Deborah Myers said. “I know a manic high when I see one. She started rattling off really grandiose things like, ‘Maybe I haven’t wasted all of the good years of my youth rotting in burnt-out potential.’ It was like talking to a complete stranger, a stranger who, if we’re being honest, was a lot less of a bummer to hang out with than my daughter.”
Psychologist Kathy Hurst confirmed these symptoms are endemic to a new mental health phenomenon in young people today.
“The DSM is considering adding a new type of bipolar for people whose highs are pretty much indistinguishable from the normal life of anyone who has their shit together,” said Hurst.
“We’re thinking of calling it ‘bipolar for people who have zero self-esteem except for one day
of the calendar year.’ Or BFPWHZSEEFODOTCY, for short. In terms of medication, we have no options. You can attempt to bring yourself back down the natural way by trying on jeans in the Target fitting room or calling your dad one time. Otherwise, use this day like a parking meter at an Ohio theme park. You have 12 hours left on this before the insurmountable dread creeps back in. Go. Answer your emails.”
At press time, Myers, still manic, was seen reasonably spending on household necessities.
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Gamers Vow to Boycott Civilization VII Unless They Can Play as Their Favorite German Leader
BY bee
HELL — Alleged fans of the popular turn-based strategy game series “Civilization” have organized a campaign to boycott the next installment unless Adolph Hitler is added as a playable leader.
The movement started Friday when a new trailer for Civilization VII was posted by the @FiraxisGames account on X, the everything app, which received hundreds of replies and quote retweets containing the hashtag #FreeGermany.
“dont buy this cultural erasure #FreeGermany GAMERS DESERVE BETTER!!! give us the real guy! they/thems are ruining my Civ by ignoring history and pandering to the irrelevant fake fans. Sid Meier is turning in his grave!! AND WHO THE FUCK IS BISMARCK?” asked verified user @Steven1488 to his thirty followers.
A “Free Germany” petition on change.org amassed nearly 4000 signatures over the weekend, calling for support to modify the game’s roster:
“Civilization is a cornerstone gaming franchise but it has been corrupted by woke activists who infiltrated the media industry. The trailer reveals their DEI agenda: there are dozens of ethnic leaders — this is intolerable, and we demand our own representation in a leader who wants to eradicate them all. And until we get our way, we the undersigned agree to not buy this game unless it reviews really well.”
The petition was started by self-proclaimed game developer Eric “Bummz” Jones who explained his motivations in a podcast.
“I had to do something! I couldn’t keep developing my own game, the sin of a historically inaccurate Civilization was too distracting. My backers understand how important this is and they’ve already waited a decade so won’t mind another hiatus while I focus on harassing real devs again.” Bummz’s VTube avatar later addressed criticisms from the livestream chat. “I’m not just chasing clout, I also want to punish minorities, too. And to make sure everyone knows we’re serious I will personally go to Kinko’s, print every petition signature, and send them to a very confused secretary.”
At press time, Firaxis agreed to include Hitler as a leader as long as his players kill themselves when they lose.
Matt Gaetz Becomes First “GoldenEye 64” Character to Serve in Presidential Cabinet
BY Ian Steffé
WASHINGTON D.C. — Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), also known as Civilian 2 from “GoldenEye 64,” has been appointed Attorney General in the Trump administration, making him the first character from the game to hold a U.S. Cabinet role.
“Honestly, it’s shocking,” said one unnamed Russian GoldenEye guard. “I never thought Gaetz would make it out of the game, let alone into government. But, then again, it kinda makes sense. No matter how many times he runs into walls or gets shot, he just keeps going. That kind of durability is perfect for Washington.”
President Donald Trump, unsurprisingly, praised Gaetz’s “GoldenEye” pedigree as key to his selection.
“I love the ‘GoldenEye’ series—just tremendous,” Trump said from Mar-a-Lago. “I considered Jaws, Oddjob, Baron Samedi, but Gaetz—he’s the guy. Our little idiot who just keeps moving. A lot of people are idiots but can be good people. And Matt really wants to show what an idiot with a head that big can do for our country. Have you seen his head? Just amazing.”
Meanwhile, “GoldenEye” director Mark Hollis expressed serious concerns about Gaetz’s new role.
“We never intended for Civilian 2 to become… this,” Hollis said, visibly distressed. “It all started with the ‘Big Head Mode’ Easter egg. Civilian 2 was already a mess, but when that oversized pixelated head showed up, it was haunting. Then it started showing signs of sentience. It began offering drugs to players it deemed ‘cool,’ and there were reports of it luring younger players into what seemed like a sex trafficking scheme. We thought the game’s decline would end that, but years later, we saw the same character running for office in Florida. And now, here he is, in a position of power. I have no idea what happens next.”
As of press time, President Trump continues to consider other controversial video game characters for Cabinet roles, including Pyramid Head from “Silent Hill” for Secretary of the Interior, Hitler’s Head in a jar from “Wolfenstein” in an advisory role, and Kirby for a role not yet determined.
How to Ethically Jerk It to Caitlyn From Arcane Even Though She’s a Cop
BY If you’re anything like the Hard Drive staff, you’ve been eagerly awaiting the weekly episode drops for Arcane season 2 while simultaneously swearing to never touch League of Legends as long as you live. You also may be tempted to beat off to Caitlyn because let’s face it, she’s a standout in a sea of animated hotties. But a little something keeps pulling at your conscience–the fact that she’s a fucking cop.
Never fear. We here at Hard Drive have exactly the step-by-step guide to help you retain your presumed moral and political purity while getting to jerk off to a leggy dictator-in-waiting.
1. Begin with a Land Acknowledgement
Take a moment to make it clear you understand the sociopolitical environment in which you’re about to bust a nut. There are plenty of land acknowledgement scripts out there, and we’re not going to provide one here, because it’s not our job to educate you. While you’re Googling for a script, be honest with yourself that you’re also going to have to Google the name of the tribe that was previously located on the lot in which your shitty apartment complex stands prior to being slaughtered, because there’s no way in hell you know off the top of your head.
2. Do a little mental gymnastics about her actual profession
Okay, so if you’ve been watching season 2, it’s kind of clear that she’s less of a “cop” and more of a “strategically installed monarch.” Is that better? Take a good long while to ponder if it’s better in the eyes of the highly judgemental public to furiously masturbate to an unelected proto-fascist than your standard police lady.
3. Decide that doesn’t matter and look for some anti-police stuff to repost on social media real quick
Abandon your previous train of thought and swipe out of the Pornhub tab with the worst SFM League porn you could find for a second. Open up Instagram and search for some cutesy infographics to repost about police brutality or something like that. Share 7-10 of these on your story in a row and hope that clears your conscience. Remember: the best activism can be done from the comfort of your own iPhone 16.
4. Say “ACAB” out loud five times like you’re summoning Betelgeuse
Pretty self-explanatory. You can do this step in the mirror if it makes you feel better about the rope you’re about to blast.
5. Immediately forget you did all this once you start jerkin’ it in earnest
Oh, fuck, that’s the good shit right there–
