thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest October 31: Early Access Elon Musk, Sex Pistols v. Ramones, Revenge, and More
Elon Musk Offers $1M to Anyone Who Signs His Birthday CardBy Sean FallonBUTLER, Penn. – Billionaire Elon Musk unveiled an offer of $1 million to anyone willing to sign his birthday card, sources close to the matter revealed.“It would be totes amazeballs to get a birthday card this year. I think it’s been about 20...
MVP: Michael Jackson "Thriller"
It's the spookiest day of the year, so today we break down the spookiest video of all time. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOnqjkJTMaA&list=RDsOnqjkJTMaA&start_radio=1
Hard Digest October 31: Halloween Early Access and More
Mom Warns Crust Punk Son That Some of His Drugs Might Be Laced With Candy This HalloweenBy Sam LiButtiROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local mother Martha Browning grew concerned for her crust punk son after hearing rumors circulating that some trick-or-treaters may find candy mixed in with their drugs this Halloween season, source...
Hard Digest October 29: Werewolves, Early Access Bahaus, Fred Durst, Davey Havok, and More
Werewolf Criticized After Leaving Himself in Hot CarBy Matt HusserTUCSON, Ariz. — Local werewolf Steve Callahan was under fire today after an unexpected transformation left his wolf form trapped in a hot car, concerned sources confirmed.“How was I supposed to know the full moon would be visible in the middle of the...
Hard Digest October 28: Early Access Sexy Cops, Freak On a Leash, King Diamond, and More
Conservative at Halloween Party Thinks Regular Cops Already Pretty SexyBy Peter FerrareseBETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular, less revealing uniforms, sour...
Hard Digest October 27: Early Access Peter Steele, Body Horror, Selling Out, and More
Self-Conscious Metalhead Nervous After Finding Peter Steele Issue of Playgirl Under Girlfriend’s MattressBy Robert ButlerNEW YORK — Local metalhead Noel Donner is feeling nervous about the longevity of his relationship after finding the Peter Steele issue of Playgirl hidden underneath his girlfriend’s mattress, m...
Hard Digest October 26: Early Access Project 25, Black Metal, Couples Costumes, and More
Project 2025 Council Vows to Capture Captain Planet and the Planeteers and Destroy Them Once and For AllBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth ...
Hard Digest October 25: Early Access Mariah Carey, Haunted Pasts, Halloween Parties, and More
Coked Up Music Exec Pitches “All I Want For Halloween is You” to Mariah CareyBy Chris BrattonLOS ANGELES — Local blitzed music executive at RCA Records repeatedly contacted Mariah Carey’s camp to collaborate on a new single called “All I Want For Halloween is You,” confirmed sources.“Listen, how do you kn...
Hard Digest October 24: Early Access Layoffs, Skeletons, Molds, and More
Corporation Boasts About How Diverse the Latest Round of Layoffs AreBy Drew GigisDAVENPORT, Iowa — Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.“Blackstone was very proud of our ‘Melting...
MVP: Ramones "Pet Sematary"
Take a trip to the graveyard with Bill and Dan as they break down "Pet Sematary" by the Ramones. There will be thrills, chills, and lots of tight denim pants.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJWFsZ_YUc4
Hard Digest October 23: Early Access B-List Celebrities, Rage Against the Machine, Dedications, and More
Nation’s B-List Celebrities Announce Plans to Randomly Appear in Ad for Online Casino AppBy Trevor GrahamLOS ANGELES — B-list celebrities from every facet of the entertainment industry announced their plan to randomly appear in some casino gambling app you’ve never even heard of before, sources who always bet on ...
Hard Digest October 22: Abercrombie CEO, Early Access Time After Time, Weed Gummies, Hobbies, and More
Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Appears in Court Shirtless for Sex Trafficking ChargesBy Ben FriedmanWEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex ...
Hard Digest October 21: Early Access Fugazi, Mist Monsters, Dead Punks, and More
Fugazi Cancels Highly Anticipated Reunion Tour Due to High Ticket SalesBy Bob KerrWASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first place if they thoug...
Hard Digest October 20: Early Access Drum Solos, Goth Moms, Biden, and More
Local Dad Unknowingly Performs Greatest Drum Solo of All Time on Belly of Labrador RetrieverBy Livy BerryMILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Teddy Johnson, confirmed ...
Hard Digest October 18& 19: Warped Tour, Early Access Hank Williams, Tacos, Feminism, and More
Crust Punk Enters “Only Listens to Hank Williams” Stage of LifecycleBy Steve PackoskyPITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember,” reported Gorski as he p...
Hard Digest October 17: Early Access Van Repair, Crust Punk Legends, The Smiths, and More
Second Guitarist Only Kept in Band Because He Knows How to Repair Tour VanBy Dan KozuhBRAINTREE, Mass. — A leak revealed that local punk band We Wear the Mask only keeps their second guitarist, Davey Thompson, in the lineup because he is the only one who knows how to fix the band’s perpetually ailing 1998 Ford Econ...
MVP: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince "Nightmare On My Street"
Today Bill and Dan break down a video that was lost to time for 30 years thanks to litigation from New Line Cinema, so don't be upset with yourself if you've never seen this video before. Join us as we break it down for you and we deal with this nightmare together.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?...
Hard Digest October 16: Early Access Sommeliers, Stephen King, Ian MacKaye and More
Punk Sommelier Can Tell Exact Month Milk in Fridge Went SourBy Carson KileLOS ANGELES — An astounding display of skill and expertise was observed today as local punk sommelier Evan Weaver correctly guessed the month the milk in his fridge went sour, confirmed amazed sources.“It really just boils down to experience,...
Hard Digest October 15: Walgreens, Early Access The Weakerthans, Jam Sessions, and More
Walgreens Announces Mass Store Closings After Locking Buildings Behind Glass CasesBy Ben FriedmanDEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their stores behind plastic cases, company executives have c...
Hard Digest October 14: Early Access Elon Musk, Inheritance, Con Artist, and More
Elon Musk Has Bright Vision of Future Where Humanity Thinks He’s Worst Person on Multiple PlanetsBy Tim SheardBOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confirmed sources who just assume...
Hard Digest October 13: Early Access Halloween, Bank Heist, AA Meetings, and More
HR Rep Already Knows Who’s Going to Get Fired for Wearing Blackface for HalloweenBy Ben FriedmanOMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween season, nervous employees report.“When you work in corporate HR for...
Hard Digest October 12: Early Access Rammstein, JNCO, HOA Laws, and More
Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to RammsteinBy Steve PackoskyBOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue Deutsche Härte band Rammstein, annoyed sources confirmed.“Ye...
Hard Digest October 11: Early Access Murder By Death, Nostaglia, Frank Grimes, and More
Murder by Death Celebrates 1,000,000th Metal Fan DisappointedBy John DanekLOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their brutal band name, according to a press release.“We in Murder by Death alw...
Hard Digest October 10: Early Access Border Policy, TMBG, Ben Gibbard, and More
Experts Warn Trump Border Policy Will Block Thousands of Canadian Girlfriends from Attending American PromsBy Dan KozuhALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American proms this year, a...
MVP: Dokken "Dream Warriors"
It's October, and that means we are legally obligated to cover a spooky music video. So this week Bill and Dan enter a deep sleep to break down the video for Dokken's "Dream Warriors" where they take on Freddy Krueger. Give it a listen.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noLPhZvcBpw
Hard Digest October 9: Early Access Rare Records, David Lynch, K9 Cops, and More
Study Reveals Rare Record You Wanted Was Indeed In Bin You Left Store Before CheckingBy Joe RumrillSAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the crate you opted not to check, chagrined sources confi...
Hard Digest October 8: Early Access Bret Michaels, David Bowie, Anti-Homeless Designs, and More
Bret Michaels’ Bandana and Cowboy Hat Launch Custody Battle Over His HeadBy Doug KolicSCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Bret Michael’s longtime bandana and cowboy hat launched a heated custody battle of his head this week, according to sources flipping through legal briefs searching for any type of precedent.“We’ve been sh...
Hard Digest October 7: Early Access Cannibal Corpse, Joe Bonamassa, and More
Heartwarming: Metalhead Proposes to Girlfriend During “I Cum Blood” Introduction at Cannibal Corpse ShowBy Chris BowenCHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up sources confirmed.“She said ‘...
Hard Digest October 6: Early Access Lowes, Riverdance, Support Groups, and More
Lowe’s to Begin Selling 14-Foot Glenn DanzigBy Ryan DonderoMOORESVILLE, N.C. — Lowe’s executives announced plans to introduce a 14-foot tall Glenn Danzig ahead of the upcoming Halloween season, confirmed multiple sources following a shareholder’s meeting.“The runaway success of Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton...
Hard Digest October 5: Early Access GG Allin, Bucket Hats, and More
GG Allin Chia Pet Has Very Different Set of Directions for Fertilizing SoilBy Chris BrattonLITTLETON, N.H. — A recent release of a limited edition “GG Allin Chia Pet” elicited a mixed reaction due to the rather unconventional set of growing instructions, horrified sources report.“Originally we started with a Hu...
