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Hard Digest November 1: J.D. Vance, Early Access Political Ads, Municipal Waste, The Art of War, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-02 00:00:06 +0000 UTCJ.D. Vance Assures Rogan Listeners He’s Just a Normal Guy Bankrolled By Multiple Vindictive Billionaires Like Everyone Else He Grew Up With In His Rust Belt Town
By AUSTIN, Texas — J.D. Vance sat down for a three-hour interview with popular podcaster Joe Rogan to let potential voters know he’s just a completely normal guy doing the bidding of vengeful tech titans like anyone else.
“Listen Joe, I’m a man of the people. A completely normal guy. Every morning I wake up when Peter Thiel tells me to and I eat all the vitamins he’s laid out for me just like everyone in my hometown of Middletown, Ohio. After that I sing the National Anthem and do the Pledge of Allegiance before hopping on a video call where Elon Musk watches me get dressed,” said Senator Vance after being asked if he thought chimpanzees have nightmares. “Right now America is in trouble, we have so many people talking poorly about billionaires when all they do is create jobs. I wouldn’t be where I am today without billionaires, and all they ask in return is a few political favors and photos of my toilet after I evacuate my bowels.”
Kyle Begley, a longtime listener of “The Joe Rogan Experience,” admits Vance’s appearance on the show was off-putting.
“I was excited to hear if the guy ever trained in MMA, I thought anyone with a name like J.D. was required to do a combat sport, or at least beat up nerds, but this dude was the one who actually sounded kinda nerdy. The guy went to Yale, only nerds go to Yale,” said Begley. “This whole thing is crazy because Trump is such a man’s man. I don’t know why Trump wants to hang out with this dude who keeps talking about the capital gains tax policy. The whole conversation was super boring, even the part where they were debating whether Bigfoot or The Mothman would win in an arm wrestling match just seemed forced.”
A spokesperson for the Trump campaign says Senator Vance’s appearance on the show was a big success.
“The hardworking venture capitalists across the country really see themselves in Senator Vance and that shows in the donations we received after the show aired. These working-class titans of industry loved the shoutouts and gave an additional $45 million in funds so we can change this country for the better,” said campaign manager Susie Wiles. “Mr. Rogan also gave us all very nice gift baskets filled with elk meat and a DMT-infused soft drink that is only legal in Columbia. We can’t wait to give it a try.”
Senator Vance was unavailable for further comment because he was on his daily video call with his billionaire backers where he dresses up like a puppy and performs for them, just like everyone else from his small hometown.
Republican Voter Can’t Tell If Nazi Imagery In TV Ad Supposed To Be Positive Or Negative
By CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Lifelong Republican voter Travis Andrews remains puzzled after not being able to determine if the Nazi imagery featured in a new ad for a local GOP candidate is supposed to be positive or negative, sources confirmed.
“I was watching Newsmax and this commercial for Tom Kelley comes on,” said Andrews, referencing an ad for a House candidate. “It’s got this real scary voice saying ‘Tom Kelley is ready to serve President Donald Trump’ and then it shows a video of a Hitler speech with Nazi soldiers marching next to a pic of Kelly shaking hands with Trump. I know the libs like to compare Trump to Hitler, but now Trump likes to compare himself to Hitler too. So I don’t know what the hell to think. I’d always thought Nazis were bad, but maybe I was wrong and I was just brainwashed by the liberal media and their biased World War II analysis.”
To add to the confusion, the ad was reportedly paid for by the ambiguously-named Save America Now PAC.
“I just want all the voters to know I stand fully behind President Trump like a good general should,” Kelley blurted out nervously after being shown the ad in question. “Whether or not you support what Adolf Hitler stood for, you have to admit that President Trump is this century’s Hitler–if we’re talking about the good stuff Hitler did. Or the bad stuff, because everyone has a different point of view.”
“And maybe Hitler wasn’t as bad as the Democrats have made him out to be after all,” Kelley added before proceeding to scroll through X for five uninterrupted minutes, a bead of sweat forming on his upper lip.
Political scientist Arthur Ledesma says this confusing messaging involving Jews and antisemitism isn’t a new phenomenon for Republican voters, but it has become more pronounced in the era of Trump.
“For years Republicans have presented as being blatantly pro-Israel while also subtly dog–whistling Jewish code words about things like globalism and George Soros for years,” Ledesma said. “But with Donald Trump’s penchant for stream-of-consciousness speaking paired with clear signs of severe cognitive decline, the messaging on the party’s official stance regarding the Jewish people is getting muddied. Nervous down-ballot Republicans are struggling to keep up and dutiful right-wing podcasters have devoted entire episodes to positively reframing the Nazis. It’s no surprise we’ve seen an uptick in the licensing of Hitler stock footage from both sides for use in these home-stretch campaign ads.”
At press time, Kelley had just re-tweeted an AI-generated image of himself goose-stepping behind Donald Trump that was originally tweeted by his Democrat opponent.
I’m the Guy Who Poisoned the Beer Supply on the “Art of Partying” Album Cover. It’s Time to Come Clean About My Actions
By When you think about it, life is just a series of decisions. Most of them are completely banal and easily forgotten, and some have the ability to stick with you for years. If you’ve behaved honorably, that can be a heartening reminder of your past, and if you haven’t, you may find yourself in my shoes. I am using this platform to admit that I was the guy who poisoned the beer supply on the cover of Municipal Waste’s 2007 album “The Art of Partying,” for which I am deeply ashamed.
Back then I was living next door to a group of crossover punks. The fact that they had been making my life a living hell with their killer riffs, gnarly skateboarding tricks, and literal nonstop partying is no excuse, but I was waking up at five in the morning for my job at an electronics component distribution facility. One day, bleary-eyed and mad with sleep deprivation, I broke into a nearby nuclear power plant and stole a mysterious barrel with a skull and crossbones on it. What happened after I added the strange green liquid to my neighbor’s beer has haunted me ever since.
The chaos that ensued was otherworldly, and the thought of it chills my bones to this day. It was a vomit-soaked, blood-drunk orgy of anthropophagous hysteria; the likes of which the world had never seen, and hopefully never will again. Seven dead and two institutionalized with no hope of recovery. I was never suspected, but imprisonment would be a relief compared to the staggering guilt I have lived with for nearly two decades. In some ways, I wish I had been torn limb from limb by one of the nightmarish beasts borne of my selfish and cowardly decision, at least then I wouldn’t be the guilt-ravaged shell of a man at the helm of this shameful missive.
I write this to you, dear reader, not for your pity, anger, or disgust (though you are wholly entitled to feel all of these,) and I certainly do not intend this as a righting of my horrific misdeed. One glance at the macabre result of my sins brandishing that album cover is more than enough to conclude that that could never be possible. I simply ask that you learn from my story, and think twice before your actions haunt you forever. I may not be kept awake by the sick shredding and beer-fueled calls of my thrashing neighbors any longer, but the torment of my guilty thoughts is by no means a welcome substitute.
Anti-Abortion Picketer Attends 40th Consecutive Farmer’s Market Converting Zero People
By Ben Friedman
ANOKA, Minn. — A conservative anti-abortion picketer was confused after being unable to convert a single person to his cause, even after picketing at a local farmer’s market for 40 consecutive weeks.
“What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried harassing passersby, screaming at children with a bullhorn, and displaying out-of-context medical waste photos and still no one will acknowledge me. You’d think after nearly a year, one person would take the time out of their Saturday morning to have me explain to them abortion is murder, and liberal women are whores,” said Jonah Williams. “I’m rethinking my strategy, like maybe using a bigger font for the sign listing everyone who’s going to Hell. Even the vendors are icing me out! I almost got through to the lady who sells cranberries, but it turns out they were just filming me for a TikTok video to shit all over me. At least it got 400,000 likes.”
Frequent marketgoers have learned to tune Williams out, despite his rantings.
“This asshole just doesn’t give up, and for some reason he singles me out every weekend which I assume is because of my tattoos. I’d love to not listen to him demonify my bodily autonomy but this market hands down has the best zucchini,” said Emily Hutchinson. “If he wants to exercise his First Amendment right, good for him. But by now he must realize nobody here gives a shit, unless he’s one of those guys who gets off on being humiliated in public. I’m not sure which one is worse.”
The market coordinator admitted he only let in Williams in order to be politically neutral, despite him being a nuisance.
“He’s like the third wackjob who’s been booted out of other public spaces, and for some reason the farmer’s market is their last stand. Technically I can’t boot them out since they have the right to exercise free speech, so I made up a ‘free speech’ area they have to stand in so they don’t chase people away from the organic squash,” said Leon Fuller. “It’s kind of sad watching Jonah come here for weeks on end to shout at a demographic he’ll never convert to his cause, but then I remember that keeping him contained here prevents him from harassing a Planned Parenthood.”
Williams finally managed to engage market patrons after they all bought out all the market’s organic tomatoes to throw at him.
Oh No, My Boss is Reading “The Art of War”
By Sean Fallon
Imissed the subway this morning and got caught in the rain, and just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I walked in and saw my boss Larry holding Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. I would have rather he’d been carrying a gun.
He was walking around the office, holding it so people could see the cover but no one was asking him about it. It was a crucifix to vampires and we all just kept our eyes on our keyboards.
Just before lunch, he called us in for an “impromptu pow-wow” and when we were all assembled in the boardroom he said, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle. Worth thinking about.”
Man, we sell travel insurance. Who the fuck is our enemy?
The rest of the day was like that. I asked Larry about the plan to replace Owen who left last month and Larry said, “In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.” So I guess we’re not replacing him and we’ll just take on his clients. Or the opportunity is to get someone more skilled than Owen in. I asked for clarification and he said, “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”
After that, I had to go and vape in the emergency stairwell for half an hour.
Around 2 o’clock, I had some clients arrive for a presentation. I had booked the boardroom, got it all set up, and met them at the elevators. Making small talk, I walked them into the boardroom and there was Larry, standing by the whiteboard. He had written on it in huge letters: It is easy to love your friend, but sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is to love your enemy. He then bowed at the waist, said “Konnichiwa,” and walked out.
The clients were from Missouri and I’m pretty sure Sun Tzu was Chinese.
I managed to avoid him until the end of the day but as I left I saw him in his office cracking open a copy of Walter Isaacson’s Elon Musk biography and that’s why I’m writing to you to apply for the role you advertised.
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Mandela Effect? I Remember Being Good at Mario Kart 64
BY Have you ever felt like the universe decided to move some stuff around and didn’t want you to notice? Me and the boys were reminiscing about the good old days last week when my buddy pulled out an old Nintendo console and asked if anyone was up for a cruise down memory lane. Unbeknownst to them, Mario Kart 64 was my kingdom and I was its rightful ruler, so when the battle to hold onto the crown presented itself, I didn’t hesitate.
But imagine my horror when upon crossing the finish line in Luigi’s Raceway I discovered that I had placed fifth like some freakin’ jabroni. Is this one of those Mandela Effect things? Because I remember being good at this game.
It was only the second turn in Moo Moo Farms when I began to hyperventilate, far too panicked to try to recall how to reverse after getting stuck below that overpass. How long have those cows been here? And why can’t I seem to keep any of these items behind my kart? One of the guys tried getting in my head, saying I needed to “hold down Z” to hang onto them, but I knew better than to trust someone that willingly plays as Toad. Everyone knows Toad has no redeeming qualities in this game.
After getting absolutely smoked in Koopa Troopa Beach—because apparently there’s a shortcut through the other side of the waterfall?!—I couldn’t help but feel as though I was the only victim of a vast government conspiracy. Years ago, I had friends wanting to go home in tears because I jumped off the big ramp and got the item box with the lightning that turns everyone small forever, like, even during the other races. But now I’m supposed to believe that that item never existed and my friends left because I’d kick them whenever they got a blue shell? Please.
As the countdown started on Kalimari Desert, I could barely hold the controller anymore due to the sweat. But as I sat there wondering why Donkey Kong wasn’t wearing his signature bowtie and suspenders, the stars aligned and I shot past the competition, leaving the boys to eat my dust. Being at the front of the pack again was like rediscovering a younger, happier me, laughing in the early hours of those summer mornings, untethered by the weight of the mistakes and anxieties to come. But of course they all came back to me once some stupid train flew in from out of nowhere. I don’t know why the world decided to do this to me, but I promise I didn’t deserve it.
Wait, that was it? What happened to Yoshi Valley?
Subpar A24 Film To Be Released Straight to Criterion DVD
BY Dan Kozuh
NEW YORK CITY — In a move that has left both cinephiles and casual moviegoers scratching their heads, A24 has announced that their latest film, The Aristocrat’s Mustache, will bypass traditional theatrical release and head straight to a Criterion Collection Ultra-4K Special Edition release, after a poor performance in the festival circuit, sources within A24 report.
“The film is about a reclusive aristocrat with an obsession for 18th-century spoons who throws an invitation-only gala where all attendees are required to wear papier-mâché horse heads. A hyper-religious suburban husband, who moonlights as a hitman, teams up with a atheist-werewolf-wrestler to infiltrate the party,” wrote bewildered Vulture critic Adam White. “The eccentric guests navigate the aristocrat’s labyrinth made of human flesh, racing against alternate universe versions of themselves to recover stolen family heirlooms, resulting in a crescendo of synchronized dance fights, excessive neon pulse lighting, and a literal flood of (hopefully fake) bodily fluids.”
The film has been widely panned, only receiving a 12 minute standing ovation at Cannes, the film equivalent of a death sentence. A24, however, has tried to spin the universal distaste for the film as a positive.
“This is a groundbreaking moment in cinema,” proclaimed Janice Mims, A24’s VP of Curatorial Relevance in an attempt to spin the poor reception. “We believe The Aristocrat’s Mustache embodies the very essence of what Criterion represents: a film so bewildering and esoteric that it challenges the very boundaries of taste and comprehension. A film so groundbreaking that an arthouse screen wouldn’t be able to contain it.”
The Criterion Collection, once renowned for its tedious and meticulous selection of films that range from the quintessential to the obscure, has historically avoided including works that might be considered ‘subpar.’ However, they have been a little more lax in their acceptance of newer A24 film releases.
“We feel these films are what younger film fans are enjoying and we are always on the ball when it comes to what’s hot in film culture. We are thrilled to add this to our library,” Criterion Curator Lila Greene said from inside the famed Criterion Closet. “It’s a testament to our commitment to inclusivity, proving that even the most uninspired cinema can find its place among the greatest even if it didn’t receive any distribution in theaters or on streaming services and is sitting at a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. We are proud to include The Aristocrat’s Mustache among other straight-to-DVD classics like 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, both of which are coming to Criterion in the winter of 2024.”
As the film makes its way into Criterion’s archives, it is rumored that the disc will include an alternate cut of the film with three hours of previously unseen footage, including a scene the main actress tried to sue to keep out of the final cut.
