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Hard Digest November 22: Trump's Cabinet, Early Access Aerosmith, Hulkster, Hooters, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-23 01:00:07 +0000 UTCRegistered Sex Offender Forced to Go Door to Door to Inform Neighbors He’s in Trump’s Cabinet
By Bobby Korec
MINNEAPOLIS — Registered sex offender Tim Finhook was court-mandated to go door to door in an effort to inform neighbors that he’s a part of newly reelected Donald Trump’s cabinet, confirmed sources who turned off their lights to make it look like no one was home as the doorbell rang.
“I cannot believe I am judicially obligated to tell Jerry next door that I’ve been appointed to the Department of Veterans Affairs in Trump’s revamped government. How embarrassing,” said Finhook. “I even had to register my conviction on one of those weird websites with a .gov domain extension. Unfortunately, when you are a registered sex offender you are disqualified from about 80% of jobs out there, so I’m relegated to Nickelodeon television producer, Catholic priest, or principal advisory body member in Donald Trump’s administration. I don’t think my reputation will ever recover from this.”
Trump supporters didn’t quite see what the big deal was with the controversial cabinet pick.
“Sexual predators are people who need to oversee government agencies just like everyone else,” said Terry Vanguard while draped in nothing but a 20-foot MAGA flag he uses as pajamas. “Convicted felons who break the law are far more qualified for governmental positions since they already know how the judicial system works firsthand. That’s why Trump and Epstein were such close friends. Trump was just trying to be supportive of his sex offender pal. He treats sexual predators with the respect that they deserve.”
Experts believed the President-Elect was selecting questionable cabinet candidates intentionally.
“Trump has been scouring sex offender registries like they’re LinkedIn profiles,” said Republican strategist Lou Foglorn. “Rape, child porn, couch kinks. These are the qualities Donald is looking for in potential candidates to fill his staff. It appears that he wants loyalists, and nothing makes you more faithful than getting pardoned for your illicitly inappropriate behavior. Trump would add a few tax evaders into the cabinet mix, but for some reason this country can get behind sexual predators like it’s nothing, but not cold-blooded IRS fraudsters.”
At press time, Trump was seen asking correctional officers if they’d let Jerry Sandusky out of prison in order to serve in the Department of Housing and Urban Development.
Aerosmith Issue Apology for Mistakenly Assuming That World Has Wanted To Hear Their Music for Last 50 Years
By BOSTON – Notable rock band Aerosmith issued an apology for previously operating under the mistaken assumption that the world wanted to hear their music for the past five decades, aggrieved sources report.
“On behalf of both myself and other members of Aerosmith, I wholly apologize for subjecting the world to our tunes for the past 54 years,” frontman Steven Tyler read from a prepared statement while addressing reporters outside of his mansion. “We started this band thinking that people would be receptive to its musical output, and we were wrong in doing so. It’s absolutely gutting to know that our music has consistently been a source of aggravation and disgust among those we had intended on benefitting, and it is our sincerest hope that people can find it in their hearts to forgive us.”
“Classical Rock” fan Anushka Bhatt reacted to the band’s contrition with tepid consideration.
“While I definitely appreciate the apology, I’m not sure I’m ready to accept it,” Bhatt reported. “I mean, how many times have I had to reflexively change the station on my way to work when I hear the beginning of the awful song from that asteroid movie? Or when I would turn on ‘American Idol’ and see Steven Tyler’s stupid fucking face? I’m not sure an apology makes up for that. Ugh, just thinking about Aerosmith is pissing me off now. On second thought, I’ve made up my mind. It was insufficient and I don’t accept it.”
Pop culture expert Kerry Blastford weighed in on the situation.
“While people may or may not react well to this apology, I for one laud Aerosmith for having the gumption to issue it in the first place,” Blastford offered. “While it was certainly warranted, how many other bands can we think of that haven’t taken the hint? I’ve been putting up with songs by The Who for my entire life and I haven’t heard a peep from Roger Daltrey, and Bret Michaels has been perfectly content subjecting all of us to his crooning since the eighties. Hopefully this starts a chain reaction from other musicians. I know we’ll never get the apology from Kid Rock that we all so profoundly deserve, but we can find some solace that this may have some sort of effect.”
At press time, Steven Tyler refused to apologize for his solo country album, since it was “universally loved by everyone.”
Opinion: Hulk Hogan’s Political Beliefs Are Irrelevant to Me Because I Haven’t Forgiven Him Since He Joined the nWo
By The results of this year’s presidential election will forever stand as a moment in which America, for the second time, looked in the mirror and saw a truly gnarled caricature of its own visage staring back. Many of us awoke on Wednesday, November 6th shocked at how the majority of our country chose to make their voices heard. How could our fellow citizens knowingly support someone with such a record of horribly flagrant violations of both the moral and legal order? For me, that shock still resonates for all but one of these so-called patriots, because I did not bat an eye when I saw Hulk Hogan struggling to tear his shirt in support of Donald Trump at Madison Square Garden. In fact, I had never forgiven him since he joined the New World Order (nWo.)
It was July of 1996, and World Championship Wrestling (WCW) was holding its third annual Bash at the Beach pay-per-view event. I had tuned in with my family, eager to see my favorite wrestlers compete honorably for the Heavyweight and Cruiserweight titles. I had noted (with no small amount of disgust) that The Outsiders (comprised of Kevin Nash and the late Scott Hall) had left the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) fully intending on “invading” the WCW. They had a scheduled tag team match against Macho Man Randy Savage, Sting and Lex Luger alongside a yet-to-be-named third teammate. I watched the opening matches with zeal, completely unaware that my world would come crumbling down around me as the headlining events unfolded.
Yes, the unnamed third teammate of Nash and Hall was Hulk Hogan.
I felt sick to my stomach as my hero stormed the ring and hit Macho Man Randy Savage with two Atomic Legdrops before throwing the referee out of bounds, thus ending the match in a no-contest. My whole perception of reality felt completely distorted as Hogan then told Gene Okerlund that his newfound alliance with Nash and Hall would “take over the wrestling business and destroy everything in their path.” Nothing made sense anymore.
So spare me your outrage, dear reader, as we see Hogan openly supporting the man who may very well act as the death knell for our beloved democracy almost 30 years later. That duplicitous bastard has long been unable to surprise me, yet sadly, I feel the past is prologue when it comes to Mr. Hogan, and we’re doomed to see his new team of ragtag outsiders disrupt Washington D.C. much like his nWo did to wrestling on that cursed summer evening so long ago.
Hooters Announces Deadbeat Dads Eat Free on Sundays
By Doug Kolic
ATLANTA — Hooters officials announced a new promotion for their chain of nearly 500 restaurants nationwide to offer free food on Sundays to fathers who refuse to pay child support, according to customers pretending to dine there for the cuisine.
“Hooters is excited to offer this new campaign to our most loyal customers, deadbeats who spend most of their time in our eateries instead of with their attention-starved children,” stated CEO Terrance Marks. “We used to offer free grub for kids on Sundays, but it was a real flop because their fathers just showed up alone and denied that they had any offspring. Even though we’ll be taking a financial risk with this promo, we’re pretty sure that these dirtbags will just get shitfaced off too many Bud Lights and forget their wallets behind, so either way, we’ll be made whole.”
Local good-for-nothing dad Frank Russo was stoked about this new initiative.
“Would I be interested in free food while at the same time leering at young waitresses, all who think I’m cool and hilarious as fuck, instead of wasting money on my needy twins? Fuckin’ duh,” said Russo as he moved around what little money he had into a secret bank account. “I can’t think of another place I’d rather be, surrounded by like-minded folks who also roll up in their sweet Dodge Caravans and complain about spousal support. I’m just happy to finally find a place that appreciates me for me, unlike my family, friends, and that asshole judge.”
Hospitality expert April Hannon described how these types of restaurants largely depend on this demographic.
“Without these scumbags, the ‘breastaurant’ industry would simply cease to be,” Hannon explained. “These places rely on men who avoid their families at all costs, and who would rather spend their cash on eating overpriced wings just to ogle women wearing low-cut shirts and short shorts. Even though the restaurant industry as a whole is very challenging, these types of places are basically recession-proof as long as freeloaders and teenage boys looking for a place to celebrate their birthdays still exist.”
At press time, Hooters also announced Wednesdays would offer all-you-can-ribs for men going through nasty divorces who are in the process of faking their own deaths.
Shit! I Asked This Guy How He’s Doing And Now He’s Telling Me
By Iknew going into the office kitchenette was a mistake. I foolishly exchanged pleasantries with someone from accounting, I think his name is Harold but I really don’t know. Then I did something I will regret for the rest of my life, I asked how he’s getting on. Boy am I finding out.
Things aren’t going well at home apparently. Trouble with the wife. Kids don’t like him. Like I give a fuck. I only came in here to warm up my lunch, but he really seems to have latched onto me as some kind of moral support lifebuoy. He was supposed to say something like “Living the dream” or “Counting down the seconds until the weekend.” I’d politely laugh and then we could both move on, but no.
Don’t get me wrong. Mental health is super important, and I think it’s vital to have people in our lives we can be open and vulnerable with, I really do. It just shouldn’t be with me, especially at work. I wouldn’t mind so much if he occasionally asked for my opinion, or even stopped talking long enough for me to share it, but this is one-way traffic. He could be talking to the microwave for all the difference it’d make to the flow of conversation.
Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how determined he’s been to ignore the social cues that I’d like to wrap up the exchange and be alone with last night’s meatloaf. I keep saying “Well…” super loud and standing up out of my chair, but he persists and angles his body to block the door. I pretended to take an “emergency” phone call from my doctor and he just started talking louder. Nobody else has come into the room for at least five minutes now. They know what’s going on, the bastards.
To add insult to injury the guy started crying a couple of minutes ago. Not gently either. Like, really letting it out, shoulders shaking, pounding the counter with his fist, the whole shebang. Am I really the one who should be hearing all this? Surely the couples counselling he said he’s started going to should be a better outlet than a captive audience at work.
He says it’s great having someone to talk to at work, and he’s always considered me his best friend. Honestly, at this point I’m scared about what he might do if I cut this conversation off. By god if he asks me how I’m doing at the end of this I’ll tell him everything. Every last thing. Someone should hear it.
That’s what best friends are for right?
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Top 10 Cartoon Villains Offered Cabinet Positions by Trump
Survey: 76% of Female Pokemon Trainers Would Rather Encounter Ursaring Than Male Trainer in Viridian Forest
BY VIRIDIAN CITY — A recent survey conducted by the Pewter University Research Institute revealed that 76% of female Pokémon trainers would prefer to face a territorial Ursaring rather than a male trainer while traveling through the dense and shadowy Viridian Forest.
“Honestly, I’ll take my chances with the Ursaring,” said trainer Lass Brittany. “It might be a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound bear with claws that can shred my Nidoran in one hit, but at least it doesn’t mansplain about catch rates or keep talking about its EV training strategies while blocking the path.”
Pokémon researcher Scientist Nina at Pewter University explained some of the reasoning behind the survey results.
“The results clearly showcase female trainers’ growing frustration with unsolicited advice, aggressive battle requests, and forced small talk about the best Eevee evolution. With Ursaring, at least you know where you stand. It’s not trying to convince you that Magikarp is actually ‘really deep’ because it ‘represents personal growth.’ It just roars, swipes a little, and even avoids you when you toss a Repel. Male trainers, on the other hand, often see Repel as simply playing hard to get and will approach anyway.”
Respondents of the survey — which also revealed that 65% of female trainers would willingly trade away one of their shiny Pokémon if it meant avoiding all male trainers on any given route — frequently cited encounters with male trainers who sprinted to initiate battle after simply making eye contact.
“Last week, some Bug Catcher popped out from behind a tree to challenge me,” said trainer Picnicker Susie. “I thought it was just another regular battle, but after I beat his Beedrill, he condescendingly explained the weaknesses of my Weepinbell — which I didn’t even use in that battle. When I tried to leave, he yelled, ‘Wow, just gonna walk away from me? You never know who might be hiding in the tall grass.’ What am I supposed to do with that?”
Male trainers in Viridian Forest defended their behavior, however, insisting that they are just trying to be helpful.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said trainer Youngster Joey. “If I’m explaining why her Pikachu’s Quick Attack is trash, it’s because I’m trying to help her be a better trainer. The least she could do is smile and be appreciative.”
At press time, a male trainer was seen running after a female trainer shouting, “Wait! Let’s trade numbers so we can breed my Nidoking with your Nidoqueen!” while an Ursaring quietly observed from the bushes.
Nation Neglected to Properly Equip for Donald Trump’s Second Phase
BY UNITED STATES — Players across the “America” server have found themselves struggling with a new patch from the game devs that has added a second phase to the Donald Trump boss, sources confirm.
“Ah, man, this is gonna be really tough.” gamer Will Langstrom said in a Reddit post. “Personally, I voted against this new patch because I knew it’d be filled with some bullshit. I needed so many flasks just to make it through Trump’s first phase. Now I’m probably gonna have to find a potion merchant who sells stronger elixirs, and I’ll have to travel all the way to the other side of town for that.”
Top complaints regarding the update include the fact that Trump’s moveset has become even more aggressive in his second form, per multiple reports.
“It’s so unfair. First of all, if you lose to him, he takes all of your currency and gives it to the other bosses. It’s so punishing.” said new player Katie Gold. “Then on top of that, if you get too close to him during the fight, he tele-deports you all the way across the map, and the runback time is insane. How is that immersive gameplay?” Gold then elaborated on her issues with the patch: “Also, for some reason they gave him a move where he ground-pounds you with his dump truck ass? I mean I admit that he has a very… ‘unique’ character design, but that’s a little much.”
Above all, the resounding sentiment is that there was no clear way to equip for the encounter, which has left the community at large stunned.
“In the game’s previous version, Trump was about to be imprisoned for his many crimes in the dungeons of New York,” gaming journalist Rachel Minski told reporters. “But it seems like a lot of people wanted this update because they thought the devs would make shop prices lower to balance things out. And because the Democrat faction wasn’t doing enough about the ongoing genocide playing out in the Middle East server. Little did they realize they were opening the doors for the Trump boss to respawn stronger than ever before, making progress harder for every in-game class except the nobles. I have yet to see one successful attempt at beating him now that he’s been granted a whole second health bar.”
At press time, the Democrat faction was seen performing necromancies and pushing a reanimated corpse into Trump’s boss arena in an ill-fated attempt to emerge victorious even one single time.
