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Hard Digest November 7: More Election Fallout and Early Access Posts
🕑 Added 2024-11-08 02:00:06 +0000 UTCJ.D. Vance Makes History as the First Openly “Extremely Unsettling to Be Around” Vice President
By WASHINGTON — Vice President-elect J.D. Vance made history earlier this week when he became the first person to hold the office who is extremely unsettling to be around and genuinely unpleasant to have a conversation with, multiple sources confirmed.
“People have told me all my life ‘Get away from me,’ ‘Please stop talking,’ and ‘Don’t make me call the cops’ whenever I engage in conversation with them. Now I’ll be their Vice President, and they will have to talk to me, or I’ll put them in jail,” said Vance without blinking. “I mean, it’s crazy, I’m just an average guy from a small town who used to torture the cats in my neighborhood, set fires, and read to my mother while she showered. This administration is going to be about change. I’m going to oversee all the security agencies and find out once and for all if they are spying on Americans through the cameras on their laptops.”
Social pariahs across the country were elated to see Vance elected to such a high office.
“As soon as Pennsylvania was called I started DMing a few girls I went to high school with and told them I’m going to be sleeping outside their window tonight, and if they hear anyone whispering, it’s just me whispering Kid Rock lyrics to myself while pulling out the hairs on my leg one by one,” said local weirdo Trip Hutton. “My biggest hope for this administration is lowering the price of groceries at the gas station I shop at. Monster drinks are so expensive I can only afford to drink five or six a day. And the beef jerky by the register is just for special occasions now.”
Historians say there have been a lot of slightly awkward Vice Presidents through the years, but Vance is the most off-putting yet.
“Al Gore was considered stiff, colleagues of his say if you tried joking with him he would stand as still as a statue and say ‘jokes are the candy of the soul’ and grind everything to a halt. But it was harmless,” said Dr. Anna Petrero, a Professor of History at UCLA. “Of course some people will say William R. King was a total oddball, a lifelong bachelor who loved powdered wigs, but unfortunately he got sick and died only a few weeks of taking office. So nobody really talked ill of him at the time, I do hope Mr. Vance follows a similar timeline.”
At press time, Vice President-elect Vance announced plans to pass legislation that women can no longer flush the toilet until he gets a look inside.
Nation’s White Progressives Excited By Amount of Diversity in Who They Can Blame for Election Outcome
By PORTLAND, Ore. — White progressive voters across the country announced they were excited by how many different races, genders, and ethnicities they can blame for Donald Trump’s return to power, confirmed multiple extremely online sources.
“In 2016 all I was doing was blaming rich white men or poor white men. It got old really fast. You can only post about how uneducated whites are setting us backward so many times before you burn out,” said second-hand gift card boutique owner River Boon. “Now I can blame Latinos, Arab Americans, Black men, and not to mention all the women. It’s beautiful to see. People have called me out of touch, people have called me racist, but it’s not my fault they have no idea what is best for them. They should subscribe to my Substack for weekly musings, poetry, and my thoughts on current events. Then they might actually learn a thing or two.”
Guillermo Chavez, a Latino who voted for Trump, says he is tired of being told how to think.
“I’ve spent most of my adult life voting for Democrats, it got me nothing. I had family members deported, my pay hasn’t gone up, but inflation has, and my taxes are going to foreign wars I want nothing to do with. All I’m trying to do is make sure my rent is paid and my kids are fed, I’d love to buy a house someday. But home prices are insane, but I guess we can’t blame Democrats for that,” said Chavez. “I’m not optimistic Trump will make anything better, but I can’t imagine a world where he makes things worse. My life is already endless toil with no hope for the future, but I’d love to thank all the white people with trust funds who are trying to make me feel bad.”
Cultural anthropologist Adam Bowers believes the most privileged people often have the hardest time empathizing with people outside their bubble.
“We surveyed over 10,000 young white men and women and found that respondents were far more likely to be outraged by the election results if their dad still pays their rent and their car insurance. These people were also more likely to blame minority communities for voting for Trump, while posting glowing Instagram Story posts about their Trump-voting father and how he ‘taught them everything they know,’” said Bowers. “This cognitive dissonance needs to be studied. We need to finally figure out how these people can keep their thoughts to compartmentalized.”
At press time, the nation’s progressive white voters announced plans to blindly support whichever candidate Democrats put forward in 2028.
Harris Campaign Disappointed By Lack of Turnout Amongst Dead Voters
By WASHINGTON — Members of the Kamala Harris campaign admit they were deeply troubled by the complete lack of dead people voting in this year’s election, a constituency they truly depended on, sources confirm.
“We thought we had the corpse vote locked up after Jimmy Carter endorsed Kamala, but they just did not show up on election day. We had shuttle busses parked outside of graveyards across the country to bring them to the polls, but not a single dead person emerged from their tomb to cast their vote,” said Harris campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodriguez. “We know dead voters are a particularly strong voting block because most dead people have a favorable view of Democrats. They got to see Democratic leaders be champions of the working class, and fight for civil rights. Unfortunately, most alive voters don’t see Democrats the same way.”
Simon Grooms, a lifelong gravedigger, wasn’t surprised by the undead community’s low turnout.
“Once them bodies are in the ground they tend to stay there. Thought I saw a zombie in the graveyard once, turns out it was just some teenagers trying to find a private place to play around with each other’s wet spots,” said Grooms. “Now listen up, if that Harris woman wanted votes she should have tried to appeal to the werewolves. Plenty of them around, yup, see them all the time. Running around, biting joggers and howling at the moon. But Democrats turned their backs on cryptids long ago, darn shame.”
Political strategist Ari Spencer believes Harris should have focused much more on alive voters and their grievances.
“When your base tells you they are upset about an active genocide it might be best to listen and not silence them. It’s also probably in your best interest to appeal to the working class as opposed to the corporate class, but nobody at the DNC seems to want to heed that advice,” said Spencer. “I did some research and discovered that people who died before any voting started made up 0% of the votes in 2020, and in 2016 it was also 0%. It’s always been 0%, because they are dead.”
At press time, Harris and her team admitted they were disappointed by President Biden’s record number of deportations, believing that those people were solidly Democrat.
Punk Who Won $50 Scratch Off Promises Not to Let Money Change Him
By SAEGERTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Brian McFee assured everyone that his newfound wealth would have no impact on his worldview after winning $50 in a ‘Jumbo Bucks’ scratch-off, perplexed sources reported.
“Now that I’m flush, everyone thinks I’m going to start acting all hoity-toity and shit,” the unemployed McFee stated while panhandling outside a coffee shop. “But I feel like I’m going to keep the same down-to-earth persona I’ve always had. I’ll still dumpster dive outside the Acme and hit up the ‘for free’ bin at Goodwill. Sure, I might switch from Keystone to Yuengling, but you can still approach me like always — even though I’m rolling in it. Just don’t think because I’m rich now I’m going to lend you money. I help those who help themselves.”
Friends offered a more sobering and blunt assessment of McFee’s new financial situation when reached for comment.
“$50? That’s $35 after taxes at best, so I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about,” remarked acquaintance Jason Slater. “That scumbag still owes me gas money for every time I’ve had to drive his sorry ass to court hearings, so if he wants to do anything with that cash, maybe he should start paying back some of the friends he’s been mooching off of all these years. Honestly, I’d like money to change him, maybe he’ll be more responsible and stop asking me to pay for his food every time his card gets declined at Sheetz.”
Still, financial experts remark that for some sects of society, any influx of income can be viewed as wealth given their situation.
“For some, particularly children or those on the fringes of society, $50 can be seen as abundant wealth,” noted financial advisor Carrie Park. “If you go through life never paying for drinks or meals and constantly crashing on people’s couches, your overhead costs are decidedly low and therefore $50 could be viewed as an influx of capital. For people like McFee, however, rather than this money being used to help provide some semblance of financial security or settling up with one of the many bars he still has outstanding tabs with, it’s likely going towards new guitar strings or a keg for whatever house he’s currently squatting in.”
At press time, McFee was running a tab up at a local dive bar, blissfully unaware the entirety of his winnings had been garnished by the state for unpaid traffic tickets.
Opinion: This Country Needs Less Weak-Ass Pop Shit, and More 3 Doors Down
By It’s no secret that popular music has become completely pussified. I recently asked my teenage nephew what bands he likes, and he brought up some teeny boppers called “Mr. Beats” and “Hack Too”. Pretty pathetic considering that not too long ago, if you turned on your radio you were putting yourself at risk of getting your shit rocked by the hardest band to ever break into the Top 40—3 Doors Down.
Bands like 3 Doors Down brought an edge to the culture that the squares quickly realized they just couldn’t handle. Before they showed up, it was all songs about partying, breakups, and hitting babies. They changed it up by being the first band to sing about being an outwardly strong but internally tortured man who deserves the unwavering support of a woman, no matter how emotionally distant he is. Can you name any other band that wrote a song in the early 2000s about how goddamn hard it is to be Superman?
I think most people don‘t realize that there isn’t anything that sounds like 3 Doors Down. I recently went on a date where after spending 20 minutes explaining how 3DD ripped onto the scene in early aughts, she asked if I also liked Matchbox Twenty. Why would I listen to an “adult contemporary” band? Does “You love me, but you don’t know who I am” sound like a lyric a fucking adult contemporary band would write?
This is not to say I’m a heartless monster. I appreciate a love song, but it had better hit me harder than my ex-wife’s personal trainer after I caught him in bed with her. For example, when another girl I was going out with for about 3 weeks went to Europe, I thought I’d do something nice. I sent her a video of me singing “Here Without You”, and she responded by saying she was staying in Dijon for 3 months. I think she broke it off because she couldn’t handle how fucking dark my music taste is.
From the inauguration of President Donald Trump, to the “Walmart Sounds of the Summer” Stage at the Pomona County Fair, 3 Doors Down is constantly breaking the conventions of popular music with their raw alpha mindset. If America wasn’t run by pussies, I wouldn’t be the only person actively listening to them and not just hearing “When I’m Gone” when it plays on a PA in a 24-hour pharmacy.
Poser Cannibal Corpse Fan Using Dating App Instead of Cemetery To Find Romantic Partner
By WHEELING, W.V. – Supposed Cannibal Corpse fan Gary Morgan is allegedly using a dating app to find a new romantic partner instead of perusing his local cemetery, offended sources scoffed.
“I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I’m trying to get back into the dating scene to find somebody new,” Morgan said. “I downloaded OkCupid, so fingers crossed that it works out and I’m able to connect with someone. Death metal is a big part of my life, and Cannibal Corpse is my favorite band, so of course I mentioned that in the ‘About Me’ section. I gotta say though, when I mentioned this on Instagram I got a bunch of weird comments calling me a fake fan. Not sure what that’s all about.”
Morgan’s friend and fellow Cannibal Corpse fan Octavia Grandview was disgusted to hear of Morgan’s dating approach.
“I nearly fell over when I heard what Gary was doing,” Grandview reported. “Everybody knows a true Cannibal Corpse fan would find a new partner by skulking into a cemetery after closing hours and digging up a fresh grave. I’ve known him for years and I thought it was a given that he understood this. Is Gary even a fan? I mean, we just blasted ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ in its entirety during a recent trip to visit a friend, but it’s obvious he didn’t get the message. I’m going to have to sit down and talk with him about the effects of poserdom on our friendship.”
Cannibal Corpse lead singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher wasn’t shy about providing his take on the situation.
“I thought it was common knowledge that our fanbase is not to be composed of people with living romantic partners,” Fisher mentioned while struggling to maintain hold of the dozens of stuffed animals he had recently won from a claw vending machine. “I guess I was just being naïve in assuming all of my listeners were either single or in relationships with festering corpses. If this Morgan guy has the nerve to show up to one of my shows, I’m going to have to jump into the crowd and beat the shit out of him. I’ve done it before, and I’ll fucking do it again.”
At press time, Morgan had matched with a poser Bolt Thrower fan who wasn’t using Warhammer 40K meetups to find a new partner.
3 Dead After Police Respond to Noise Complaint at Mario Party
BY bee
NEW YORK — A routine noise complaint in a Brooklyn apartment turned tragic Thursday night, leaving three dead and one hospitalized as authorities and neighbors search for answers.
NYPD Captain Toad provided details in a press conference the following day:
“We dispatched to the residence after operators received several distressed calls regarding elevated noise and possible domestic disturbance. Unfortunately, responders were unable to de-escalate the situation after learning a substantial quantity of gold coins may be on the premises. We are currently investigating the whereabouts of the stolen property.”
Police have withheld the identities of everyone involved, but captioned body cam footage released by the department shows four individuals in a heated argument before engaging in a violent melee.
“LEMME READ THE TUTORIAL IN PEACE OR I’MA GONNA DROWN YOUR RICH **** GIRLFRIEND IN A PIPE FULL OF KOOPA **, YOU FAT **!” shouted one suspect who was then bludgeoned with large dice by a similarly-dressed character replying, “LETSA GO, IT’S TWO **ING BUTTONS, ***. MAMA MIA WOULDA SMOTHERED YOU IN THE CRIB IF SHE KNEW YOU DUMB** WAS GONNA STEAL FROMA YOU BROTHER!”
Neighbors expressed shock and remorse in interviews conducted by local news networks.
“They invited us to their jamboree but we declined, we’ve been to parties there before and they get rowdy — but never anything like this. We called the cops hoping they’d just break it up early. At worst we expected they might kill Bow-Wow… but shooting everyone? It’s a tragedy. I’m really going to miss Mario, he was handy to have around and a great doubles partner.”
At press time, coroner toxicology reports suggest extreme levels of psilocybin as a possible aggravating factor at the gathering.
Sedentary Gamer Worried Ozempic Is Giving Him DEI Chin
BY GARLAND, Texas — A gamer who has recently begun taking Ozempic for his diabetes has become worried about the undesired weight loss is giving him “DEI Chin”.
Brett Cooper, who goes by the handle BasedMemeLord, has been lamenting the fact that his hard earned “Gamer Physique” is being ruined by the medicine that is keeping him alive.
“If I lose any more weight I’m gonna end up looking like ‘Larry Croft,’” Cooper complained. “It’s bad enough I can’t open Steam without getting a bunch of woke DEI garbage shoved in my face. Now I can’t even look in my mirror without looking like a Sweet Baby Detected character.”
Cooper’s roommate and childhood friend, Phil Grosky, said the sudden weight loss has put a strain on their relationship.
“Brett, he still says all the right things: ‘DEI kills games,’ ‘go woke go broke,’ and has several ongoing harassment campaigns against a bunch of games ‘urinalists,’ but I’m not sure I can trust anyone who has a distinguishable chin,” Grosky said. “Last week I caught him buying Dragon Age: Wokeguard. He said he bought it by mistake and would be demanding a refund, but Steam says he’s played for over twenty hours.”
When confronted about the “Dragon Age: Veilguard” purchase Cooper said it was done out of a necessity for research, and not to support “DEIWare,” which he later clarified was developer BioWare.
“I’m providing a public service,” Cooper said. “I’m playing this game so others don’t have to wonder just how woke it is. I’m not having a good time playing this garbage, and anytime you see me smiling on stream it is out of incredulity, not because I’m happy. Woke pharma decided it’s not enough for NPCs to have DEI Chin and it must be foisted upon the Common Gamer in the real world. I’ve been posting for months now that wokeness in games would have real life consequences, and now here we are.”
At press time Cooper was seen attaching a prosthetic double chin to his face.
