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Hard Digest November 14: Matt Gaetz, Early Access George R.R. Martin, Crust Punks, Sleep Schedules, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-15 01:00:06 +0000 UTCAttorney General Nominee Matt Gaetz Requests to Be Sworn in on Epstein’s Little Black Book
By Matt Husser
WASHINGTON — Former Florida Congressman and current Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz reportedly put in an unorthodox request today after asking to be sworn in on Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book, sources confirmed.
“Whether it was an argument with my girlfriend over her curfew or an illegal Democratic witch hunt over a tiny little alleged ‘sex trafficking’ violation, when times were tough there was always one book I could turn to for salvation: Epstein’s Little Black Book. Without it and the towering influence of the figures within, I wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s why I think it’s only right that I’m sworn in as your next Attorney General on this sacred text,” said Gaetz, giving a statement from his field office underneath the bleachers at a high school volleyball game. “I just wish that my good friend Jeff was here to witness this day, but sadly you can’t have a holy crusade without a martyr.”
President-Elect Donald Trump took to Truth Social to quickly make the historic announcement all about him.
“My friend Matt Gaetz, good guy, loves women, all women, young old, it doesn’t matter, he loves them all, but especially young. That’s what makes him great, he told me he’s going to be sworn in as Attorney General on Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that great folks? And let me tell you what a special book it is. A great book. People keep telling me my name is in there many times, many more times than Bill Clinton even, can you believe that?” said Trump, holding up a gilded copy of the book. “Well folks, for just $59.99 you can get a copy of the God Bless the USA edition of Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that wonderful? It’s got the Ten Commandments, only the good parts of the Constitution, and many celebrities. Let’s stop the madness and Make America Prey Again!”
Trump insider Glen Stephens revealed that similar requests have skyrocketed amidst the flood of Trump Cabinet nominees.
“President Trump has been appointing nominees so quickly, I can hardly keep up with all the requests for Epstein’s Little Black Book for swearing in ceremonies. Luckily we kept a few of the copies Trump left in the Lincoln Bedroom nightstands,” said Stephens, searching through a cardboard box full of confidential documents in a Mar-a-Lago janitor’s closet. “The special requests have been making it tough, though—Stephen Miller requested his with all the ‘ethnic sounding names’ crossed out, and Elon keeps asking if he can be sworn in on a flaming katana.”
Gaetz later announced that his first act as Attorney General would be to urge the DEA to reschedule Rohypnol.
Crust Punk Tribe Has 19 Words for “Broke”
By Tim Graham
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The group of gutter punks that loiters near 5th and Huron employs many invented terms for states of impoverishment, sources hurrying past the corner confirm.
“We have a lot of words that refer to different kinds of being penniless,” said Skidder Blaine while he lettered a cardboard sign. “There’s ‘crumbed,’ which means you’ve got a few bucks but not enough for a pint of vodka or 40 ounce. ‘Slizzed’ means you’re broke until someone who owes you money pays you back. ‘Povvo’ means flat broke, like nothing at all to your name, not even butts. If you’re broke but you’ve got butts, you’re ‘squoze.’ Right now, I’m ‘quimmed,’ which means I’m poor and my life’s in danger because I owe a bunch of people money.”
Neighborhood residents confess to being bewildered by the punk clan’s strange vocabulary.
“I have to walk past that corner on my way to work every day,” said Cassie Seder. “I usually pretend to be talking on the phone so I don’t have to engage. I honestly have no idea what they’re even referring to half the time. The other day one of them asked for help because they were ‘triple-skint.’ Why can’t they just ask for spare change like normal people? Instead I hear them complaining about being ‘jobbered,’ whatever that is. They also ask me for ‘coffos’ frequently, which I assume are cigarettes. You’d think they’d get it after two years of telling them every day that I don’t smoke.”
Cultural anthropologist Dr. Elmer Swanson says that isolated subcultures tend to develop unique lexicons.
“The dialects of these sorts of groups often relate to subjects concerning areas they’re most familiar with. For instance, consider the Inuit people’s many words for types of snow,” explained Dr. Swanson. “In the case of the Ann Arbor punk collective, we see a group that has developed colloquialisms related to subjects of specific importance to them including alcohol, drug abuse and of course, being destitute. I’m currently preparing to embed myself with the clan for several weeks to learn more about their culture and language. I’ll be ready to go as soon as I finish getting the necessary inoculations.”
At press time, the tribe had reportedly splintered after a brawl erupted over how to split $19 in change seven ways evenly.
Opinion: No, I’m Telling You, I Just Have To Stay Up All Night So I Can Go To Bed Early Tomorrow and That’ll Fix My Sleep Schedule Forever
By I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never had a great relationship with sleep. I think it started when I would stay up all night trying to unlock Jenna Jameson’s character in “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4” (I didn’t know about the cheat code back then). Or maybe it was when I would sneak out to the living room to turn on Adult Swim after that kid at school told me they let “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” say “fuck” uncensored after 3 a.m. (you’re a lying bastard, Ricky—that’s probably why your dad left).
The point is that I used to have to fight to stay up late. Now, I’ll stay awake until the sun comes up if I’m not careful. But trust me—I have a plan to fix my sleep schedule, and begin putting my shitshow life back together. All I have to do is not sleep tonight, then I’ll be so tired that I’ll just have to go to bed at a decent hour tomorrow. I’ll crash out at 10 or 11 and be up by 7 the next morning. It’s foolproof!
Look, I know what you’re going to say. “You’ve tried this before and it’s almost never worked—and even when it does work, it never sticks. You always end up falling asleep before you even make it to the next night. Last time you tried this, you passed out at noon and lost your job at Taco Bell after they found you face-down in the shredded cheese. The time before that, you fell asleep on the couch at 3 p.m. and made us late for my grandmother’s wake. And even that one time it did work, you ended up staying awake until 5 in the morning two days later anyway. This is getting unhealthy and I’m worried about you.” Well, I know my body.
Despite exhibiting this pattern of behavior for most of my adult life, I’m 100 percent confident that pulling off this stunt will fix everything forever this time—and that I’ll never have to make any changes to other aspects of my lifestyle or examine my mental health in any meaningful way.
I just lose track of the time is all! It’s not my fault that super interesting YouTube videos happen upon my feed while I have other, more important tasks to complete. Sure, I need to have my tax return done by tonight—but how can I possibly be expected to focus on that before learning all the ways Ween inspired “SpongeBob SquarePants”? And so what if I pace around the living room rehearsing for imaginary conversations when I should be writing my screenplay? I can leave all that behind anytime I want—and borderline torturing myself through sleep deprivation is just the way to do it. The next time you see me, I’ll have such a healthy sleep schedule you’ll be sorry for ever doubting how well-adjusted I am.
Editor’s Note: The author of this piece ended up falling asleep at 2 in the afternoon and woke up around midnight. He insists this is only a minor setback and that “one more try will definitely do the trick “for real this time.”
George R.R. Martin and Streetlight Manifesto Team Up to Keep Fans Waiting Indefinitely
By Matt Oriente
BAYONNE, N.J. — American author George R. R. Martin teamed up with members of Streetlight Manifesto to announce plans to collaborate on a new project aimed at keeping fans in suspense indefinitely, confirmed disappointed sources.
“I’ve actually been a huge Streetlight Manifesto fan for a while,” said Martin. “Lyrically, I find the grim reality of Westeros has a lot in common with ska. So much so, and I won’t say which one, but I’ve based a major villain in my ‘A Song of Ice of Fire’ saga on the singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I realized Streetlight hadn’t released a record in 11 years! I knew then I wanted to reach out and collaborate on something where we can really make the fans bash their heads against a wall out of frustration.”
Fans were buzzing with excitement about the possibility of not getting something new.
“I’m surprised and excited. Receiving word of a delay is just as exhilarating as the product itself,” gushed Luke Matthews, a fan of both Martin and Streetlight Manifesto. “What really sets them both apart from their peers is how much creative energy they spend on writing about how they are not writing. Two titans of delays teaming up to find new and innovative ways to avoid giving the fans what they want, it’s hard to fathom and I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m just really looking forward to not getting anything for years to come. Possibly ever again. Who knows? Maybe they’ll even start un-releasing previous works. You never know with those guys.”
However, some had concerns that this collaboration might actually have other less ideal ramifications.
“In order for this project between them to be a success they actually have to avoid collaborating together,” said pop culture historian Nick Lewsen. “Given their history of using other projects to avoid the ones fans really care about — all of sudden ‘The Winds of Winter’ and a new record are all but guaranteed to be finished and released. And I’m just not sure how I feel about that.”
As of press time, both Martin and Streetlight Manifesto independently revealed the intricacies of wearing vintage fisherman and engineer hats while offering no new information on their joint project.
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Fascist Historical Figures Ranked by How Badly Joe Rogan Wants Them on His Show
Remembering Geppetto, the Mario Brother Who Went Into HVAC Engineering and Died of Turtle Pox at 27
BY Peter Cunis
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Today marks thirty-nine years since the passing of Gepetto Margioni, the oft-forgotten older brother of Mario (born Mario Margioni) and Luigi (born Louis Margioni). Gepetto may not have pursued the plumbing life that brought success and renown to his younger brothers, but the family still holds him in his hearts to this day.
”What you have to understand is that when the family first came to the Mushroom Kingdom from Italy, Gepetto was already seventeen — practically an adult,” recounted Luigi (speaking through an interpreter) in an interview with the New York Times, “Mario and I were still infants, and our parents were struggling to make ends meet. Gepetto didn’t go to school. He went to work. Adventures and plumbing were not options for him.”
Shortly after the family arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom, Gepetto found work in the mailroom of an engineering firm. His strong work ethic caught the eye of management, and he began shadowing the HVAC department. Over the years, he developed the skills necessary to pass his HVAC certification exam, despite not having graduated high school.
“If it wasn’t for Gepetto, Mario and I could not have pursued our plumbing dreams,” said Luigi in the same piece, “His philosophy was ‘Only take what you earn’. Many poor families in our situation would just break open blocks looking for gold coins, but Gepetto refused to take money from anything except work. And in the end, he was able to support the family and more. His income allowed us to take a risk on plumbing.”
Tragically, Gepetto would not live to see his brothers reach the height of their success.
“Like many young adult immigrants, Gepetto had the drive and determination to make a life in the new country, but he never let go of the fear and paranoia that comes from coming into a new world so abruptly,” explained Doctor Toad, Mario and Luigi’s grief counselor, “The turtle pox vaccine — especially in the 80s — was absolutely vital to survival in the Mushroom Kingdom, but Gepetto didn’t trust it. He firmly believed that the monarchy was using it to brainwash its subjects. And so, when he caught turtle pox at age twenty-seven, his fate was sealed.”
Gepetto Margioni is buried in Boo’s Boneyard Galaxy.
Velvet Room Conditions Criticized by Prisoner Rights Group
BY TOKYO — A bombshell report this week has exposed and criticized the practices employed by the “Velvet Room” private prison.
“It is time for this ruin to end,” Fools for Justice said in a press release. “For too long the Velvet Room has operated under the illusion of rehabilitation, as a means to save humanity from a terrible fate. In reality, they’re just the latest in a long line of for-profit prisons that place the CEO’s bottom line above basic human rights.”
The one-hundred and twenty page report alludes to various human rights violations committed by the Velvet Room. Among other things, it alludes to the use of executing prisoners via the electric chair, butchering prisoners in order to fuse them together in some kind of barbaric chimera-esque practice, and imprisoning teenagers without trial.
“For real!?” Ryuj Sakamoto, former track star and local delinquent, shared his thoughts with reporters. “It’s absolutely messed up what they’re doing there. A friend of mine claimed he’d been locked up there, but then again he also claimed he was banging his goth doctor, so who knows?”
Despite the extensive report provided, the Velvet Room has come out swinging, denying all allegations.
“This is a smear campaign designed to silence me,” said Igor, proprietor of the prison room. “My Velvet Room operates above and beyond what is demanded by law. Any allegations that I charge money for prisoners to execute one another are simply that: allegations, and I’ll lock up any trickster who continues to repeat them.”
At press time, prosecutor Sae Niijima announced she would be opening an investigation into Igor, albeit for crimes related to identity theft.
