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Hard Digest November 20: Early Access Local Bands, Trump, Grief, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-21 01:00:05 +0000 UTCTotally Pathetic Local Band Actually Gives It Their All Onstage
By Wyatt Fair
OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – Local indie rock quartet Girlfriend’s Homework were treated to a “cacophony” of boos after they earnestly attempted showmanship onstage, disgusted sources report.
“Oh man, it was like one of those…what’s that German word for like, secondhand shame? Seinfeld? Sorry, I’m kinda out of it, I just worked a rodeo sponsored by weed influencers,” said Sherman Talk, a vegan sandwich artist who attended the band’s gig last weekend. “They kicked off their set with some super competent riffing. So cringe! And then the singer, he pops in with this really poetic lyric about his acute sense of isolation in the modern world. I can still feel my skin crawling. Apparently he just lost a parent to Alzheimer’s? He had this perfect blend of tragi-comic songwriting and vibrant onstage charisma that was so deeply embarrassing to witness.”
Frontman Daniel Matts knew from the get-go that the performance was heading south.
“There’s no way around it, man. We practiced way too much,” said Matts, a lifelong OKC native who started a non-profit to support cafeterias at underfunded elementary schools. “Our sound has never been more cohesive, and I’ve been reading a ton of 19th-century Irish romantic poetry that’s definitely been influencing my songwriting. That gig was the culmination of countless sleepless nights in the studio, hours of blood, sweat, and calluses. That level of total commitment to our art was definitely our first mistake.”
Unfortunately, producer Bernard Token, who was scouting the Southwest for new talent to sign to his record label, walked out during the show.
“Girlfriend’s Homework…man, that gig was rough,” laughed Token, who founded the iconic indie label Afraid Of Women using money that his great-uncle Henry Kissinger Venmoed him a few years ago. “A humiliating display of camaraderie. You can tell those guys just loooove playing music together. I’m pretty sure their drummer broke a sweat and everything. Guys like me who understand the industry are looking for a much more cynical, detached, and emotionally void product to work with.”
As of press time, Girlfriend’s Homework bassist Mike Tooth decided to quit the band to focus on his electronic solo career, an indie sleaze revival act like The Dare but with no computers, just bass.
Here’s What Trump Really Meant When He Said “I Will Literally Line Up My Political Rivals and Have Them Executed by Firing Squad”
By Tim Graham
Here we go again—the libs are panicking about another innocent, off-the-cuff comment from President Trump. It’s exhausting having to explain what Trump actually meant to a bunch of reactionary bedwetters every time he speaks his mind. Trump has already been President and barely even brought us to the brink of chaos, and you’re still not accustomed to his manner of speaking. Still you flip your lids whenever he expresses an opinion. Then people like myself are forced to waste our time helping the pearl-clutching left understand Trump’s true intention.
Of course he wasn’t actually talking about slaughtering Democrats, members of the media and dissidents in a hail of bullets. Do I really need to point out that “literally” doesn’t actually mean “literally” anymore? If someone says, “I literally died laughing,” you know they didn’t really die. In this case, Trump employed a clever metaphor: He was simply making the point that he would hold the enemies of freedom accountable for their ineptitude and corruption. The suggestion that he intends to initiate some sort of systemic purge of his domestic rivals is frankly pretty offensive.
Are you familiar with “The Weave”? That’s Trump’s term for the masterful way his monologues touch on a wide variety of subjects before he eventually connects the dots and ties everything together. What you’re alleging he said about the wholesale extrajudicial murder of his enemies was just one of many issues he brought up in a three-hour speech, and once again the radical left is cherry-picking, taking things out of context and losing their minds.
Furthermore, when Mr. Trump added that he would hold lotteries giving loyalists a chance to win a spot on the firing squads just demonstrates how creative he is with the English language. The fact so many liberals misconstrued that as well highlights how intellectually compromised the lot of you are.
I admit that President Trump’s language can come off as coarse at times, but he’s a tough businessman, not a bought-and-paid-for Washington insider. Enough with the hand-wringing about what he meant by this or that. We need to end these disingenuous witch hunts and let Trump exercise his First Amendment right to speak his mind and lead the country toward prosperity and greatness. Again. And maybe again after that, we’ll see.
Woman Enters Fifth Stage of Grief Trying to Put on Duvet Cover
By Dom Turek
CHULA VISTA, Calif — After spending hours trying to put her newly washed duvet cover back on her comforter, an exhausted, sweat-covered Elianna Davies finally succumbed to the fifth stage of grief and accepted it was a project for another day, sources close to the victim confirmed.
“At first it was pure unadulterated anger,” said the grief-stricken Davies. “Turning the closed fist towards the heavens, I cried out to God, ‘Why me?’ That’s when the guilt came pouring in. Most people try to comfort you by saying it wasn’t your fault, but if I wasn’t eating sushi in bed, I wouldn’t have spilled half a cup of soy sauce on my duvet cover and I wouldn’t be in this predicament. That’s what picks away at you.”
Despite being considered a stoic and independent woman by her family and friends, those closest to Davies worry that she is just one minor inconvenience away from unraveling.
“This year alone, she lost almost all her Tupperware and is just left with a useless pile of lids,” said Simon Bowers, Davies’ longtime partner. “How much loss can one person take before they fall apart? I offered to help when I saw her flailing around inside the duvet, but she screamed at me to go away and told me I ‘wouldn’t understand.’ When she finds out our vacuum cleaner is overheating and just spewing out dust, all hell is going to break loose.”
Thankfully, grief experts say humans are capable of rebounding from extreme emotional lows and becoming somewhat recognizable versions of themselves again.
“You should stay in the denial stage as long as you can,” said grief counselor and esteemed author of “Top of the Mourning to You” Ingrid Pugh. “However, if you’re already too far along in the grief process, I suggest a prolonged stay in the anger phase. There’s no shame in deciding duvets are a complete waste of energy and burning the entire comforter set in the backyard while the neighbors watch in horror.”
At press time, Davies was seen checking herself into a local mental health treatment center after putting her fitted sheet on the wrong way.
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Trump Appoints President Shinra to Lead Department of Energy
BY WASHINGTON — This week, incoming president Donald Trump announced his staff picks in preparation for his second term as president. One pick getting a lot of attention is his pick to lead the Department of Energy, President Shinra.
President Shinra, the controversial leader of the Shinra Electric Company, has been eyeing the position for decades, seeing it as a next step in controlling the world’s mako reserves.
“This appointment should cause concerns,” said political analyst Jeremy Schwitz. “President Shinra has never been shy about his lust for controlling the entire world’s mako supply and if he’s leading the Department of Energy then he essentially has a free pass to do whatever he wants.”
A strong supporter of US involvement in the Middle East, President Shinra has been very forward in expressing his plan for the region.
“There are untapped mako reserves that would be valuable to m-, I mean the United States,” he said in a statement to the press. “My position on this has nothing to do with the fact that my company also manufactures weapons. But rest assured, should militants within the region try to stop us from harvesting mako, our Scorpion Sentinel will make quick work of them”
Trump’s choice is facing opposition from many people around the country, primarily in regions controlled by Shinra.
“He destroyed a whole district of my city,” one activist said. “Then once the mako well had dried up, he abandoned the city taking all the profits for himself. My whole family lives in a shack under a destroyed highway.”
President Shinra has denied the allegations, claiming “eco-terrorists” are responsible, despite evidence of the contrary.
“These terrorists are claiming I’m destroying the environment and contributing to climate change,” he said. “It’s their illegal destruction of my perfectly safe and environmentally friendly Mako Reactors that caused most of the destruction. They may say they did it to help the common folk who we have to keep oppressed in order to maintain high stock prices but they are liars.”
At press time, we’ve yet to see whether Republican congressmen will be willing to confirm a pick so controversial, but since Shinra donated to their political campaigns, it’s unlikely they will vote against him.
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