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Hard Digest November 21: Gaetz Withdrawal, Trump and Musk, Early Access Drone Metal, Debt Collectors, Mosh Pits, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-22 01:00:04 +0000 UTCMatt Gaetz Tells Girlfriend He Can Attend Quinceañera After All
By Tim Graham
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickards High School confirm.
“Of course I’m disappointed I won’t get to be Attorney General and mete out legal punishments according to President Trump’s every vindictive whim,” said Gaetz as he shopped for a tuxedo for the upcoming event. “But the confirmation process was becoming too disruptive for my family—by which I mean myself and Nestor, my sort-of-adopted adult son. In any case, now that I’m out of Congress and not getting the AG job, the silver lining is that I have the time to go to Valentina’s quinceañera. She’s not my girlfriend of course, that’s silly. She’s just a good, good friend who also happens to be a teenage girl.”
Valentina’s parents had hoped Gaetz would get the nomination and leave their daughter alone.
“He’s a smooth-talker who would shower our family with gifts,” said Valentina’s father Luis. “I thought he was trying to set up his ‘son’ with my daughter, but I soon realized his intentions were more sinister. I hoped he would get this new job and fuck off for Washington. We’ve done everything we can to keep him away, but he’s very persistent. We don’t plan on letting him into the party. I’ve got some cousins coming in from Miami who are strapped and won’t take any shit from that Joker-looking pendejo.”
Conservative podcaster Daniel Ghent claims Gaetz is a victim of a leftist witch hunt.
“I’ve known Matt for years. He’s a standup guy,” said Ghent while working on a display of German military memorabilia for his studio. “The communists in the fake news media only targeted him because they were threatened by a strong, attractive Alpha male who didn’t take shit from anybody. And because of their smear-campaign, we’re not going to have him as AG. The Deep State has tried to take down Trump for a decade and couldn’t, so now they’re going after his buddies. The good news is Matt invited me on a trip to Thailand soon, which will be fun.”
At press time, Gaetz had reportedly created a Reddit post asking how to make Venmo payments private.
Musk And Trump Bond Over Which of Their Children They Hate The Most And Which One They’d Most Like to Sleep With
By Stephen Bell
WASHINGTON — The world’s richest man Elon Musk and President-elect Donald Trump are reportedly closer than ever after finding common ground while discussing which of their kids they hate, and which one they’d most like to have sex with, sources controlling the levers of power confirmed.
“I could tell that Donald was having some trouble understanding my sense of humor, it’s pretty advanced, but I knew if I just gave his campaign enough money he would finally find me funny,” said Musk in between working on his DOGE initiative. “One day I asked him if he’d ever played the game Fuck, Marry, Kill and he said no so we played it as an icebreaker. Naturally, I did what any good father would do and made it about our respective children. I of course would kill my kid who contracted the woke mind virus, sleep with the triplets, and marry whichever one looked the most like me. Gotta keep the bloodline pure and ongoing!”
Trump was more than happy to play along with this game.
“I don’t make mistakes often, people say I’m nearly perfect. Eric was a mistake, but I blame that on his mother, she was a real nasty woman. Low IQ, flat butt, the best deal I ever made was getting out of that marriage. But honestly, I wish I had more kids, specifically I wish I had more daughters because Ivanka is so gorgeous, the world would be a nicer place with more Ivankas,” said Trump. “I’d marry Ivanka, sleep with Ivanka, and I’d kill any of my kids that wanted to break their NDA even if it was Ivanka. But think of how many more options I’d have if I either recognized my secret children or if I hadn’t paid for all of those abortions. That’s why I got rid of Roe, people love me for that.”
Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson insisted that this perverse exercise was just locker room talk.
“Obviously this was two dads having a larf about their kids,” said Johnson. “What parent hasn’t thought about how handsome their child is or about whom they’d think would make for a good bride as soon as they turn 11. And the talk of killing them? Well some kids just need discipline and threatening to murder them is an acceptable and loving way of doing so. Or if they’re gay actually killing them is just an act of you acting out god’s mercy.”
At press time the conversation had become awkward again after J.D. Vance came in and started listing furniture.
Drone Metal Fan Needs Bathroom Break But Doesn’t Want To Miss Favorite Note
By OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley waited patiently through an entire show to use the bathroom so he wouldn’t miss his favorite note, anxious downstream sources confirmed.
“I’ve been waiting the whole set to hear B-flat, but it’s been almost an hour and so far nothing. I’m having a good time, but if I pace around much longer, I think I’m gonna burst. I knew pounding Hard Noons in the parking lot was a bad idea,” said Riley as he swayed painfully back and forth. “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I still can’t live down that time I brought an extra-large Diet Pepsi into a ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie. I was already embarrassed enough thinking everyone would assume I’m into black metal. I didn’t need to be slightly more embarrassed pissing myself.”
Leslie Cordova, guitar tech for the band Endless Longing, is extremely familiar with their set.
“Sure, I know the setlist by heart at this point. But I don’t remember seeing any of the B-flat songs. If you’re waiting on that, you’re gonna have a long night. You know they’re playing ‘The Elks Made Porridge in the Dragon’s Den’ in its entirety, right?” said Cordova as he pointed to the tour poster of the same name. “There’s not a single B-flat in the whole thing. Maybe they’ll play something different for an encore, but I promise you they’re going to get through all 157 minutes of that album first.”
Charley Parks, longtime janitor for the venue, was almost wrapping up for the evening.
“I saw him rush in while I was mopping up. I could see the relief in his eyes as he finally made it to the stall, but no. The asshole pissed all over my floor, just inches away from the toilet,” said Parks, rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with these metalheads. As he walked out in shame, I could hear him muttering something about a note. I’ve heard of the brown note, but what’s the one that makes you piss on the tile?”
At press time, Riley was overheard assuring friends in the parking lot, “I know what it says, but I’m pretty sure ‘E’ means we’ve got at least 100 miles.”
Oh You’re an Artist? Name Three Debt Collectors Chasing You for Unpaid Tuition at a College You Dropped Out of Because ‘Art Can’t Be Taught’
By Dan Kozuh
Ah, nothing delights me more than encountering someone with the audacity to declare themselves an artist. Oh, you really are an artist? You swaggered into this coffeehouse, oversized glasses perched on your nose, and head of unkempt hair that screams “I’m here to make profound statements and change nonlinear epistolary narrative non-metafiction forever!” Yet I can’t help but notice that you are able to afford that latte. That seems odd considering you claim to be an artist. Well then, list three collection agencies pursuing you for those sky-high tuition fees from the art schools you abandoned because you now believe “art can’t be taught.”
Interesting: when I challenge you to name those three debt collectors, suddenly the air shifts. Your confidence deflates like the air escaping from a thousand balloons in one of Yayoi Kusama’s installation exhibits. “Uh, well…” You stumble over names, clutching your sketchbook filled with half-finished doodles. “There’s, um, Credit Control and…uh, The CBE Group..” You’re almost there, but I can see the panic rising. “Oh! And, um, Credit Control Recovery?”
GOTCHA! I know Credit Control Recovery is fake because, let’s face it, I’m drowning in crippling debt from dropping out of twelve different schools; from universities to liberal arts colleges to art schools that ‘don’t believe in grades’. I know every debt collector out there. I once got a call from Midland Recovery Solutions and they threatened to send me to debtors’ prison. My growing list of unpaid tuition has given me a credit score of 12 and they repossessed my fixed-gear wheelie.
You’ve managed to weave a tapestry of lies to masquerade as an artist but I know the truth. And don’t get me wrong, 60% of being an artist is lying; about your past, about how far along you are on your current project, about being familiar with the works of Hernando de la Vega. Oh you know his work? Funny because I just made him up. See, lying is a part of who we are but pretending to make art without the vultures of debt collection circling above your head is unforgivable.
The irony is too delicious. I dropped out because I believe creativity is beyond the confines of formal education. Yet here you are, trapped in an existential crisis pretending to be harassed by relentless collectors, clinging to the false identity of an artist. In a way, feigning this financial persecution becomes an art form in itself—an elaborate performance is a brushstroke on the canvas of your life. Like a Marina Abramović piece, the act of pretending to be hounded by creditors is a profound commentary on the struggles of the artistic spirit. Bravo.
Couple Separated by Mosh Pit Promise to Find Each Other Again Someday
By Matt Oriente
CHICAGO — David Arrivale and Michelle Esposito were tragically separated after wandering too close to a mosh pit during a recent Good Hangs show, confirmed sources.
“It all happened so fast,” Arrivale said, still visibly shaken. “We had a perfect spot in front of the sound booth, but then this guy—who must have been 6’5”—just parked himself right in front of us. We tried to find a better spot during the second song, but then the pit opened up. It was manageable at first but then the singer leaned over the stage with the microphone pointed at the crowd. Of course, I had no choice but to get in there and sing along. I should’ve stayed with her but there are codes you have to abide by in the pit: someone falls down, you pick them up and when a microphone is thrust into the crowd, you rush toward it like a baby bird at feeding time. I just miss her and want her to know that I love her. I’ve already filed a missing persons report and stapled several flyers around the venue asking for any information about her whereabouts.”
Eyewitnesses described the couple’s attempt to stay together as a bold but ultimately doomed effort.
“Mosh pits are tricky, if you aren’t careful you can end up on the front lines of a wall of death,” explained showgoer James Antone. “And from my vantage, they weren’t being all that careful. I could see them struggling and at one point it looked as though he just abandoned her. And once the circle pit gets going, casual bystanders are sucked in like a vortex and forced to establish a new life on the other side of the floor.”
Venue security held a press conference outside shortly after the incident occurred, detailing their response to the chaotic scene.
“Our team initially tried to enter the pit in an attempt to pull the couple out,” explained Jordan Fellows, the venue’s head of security and sometimes barback. “The situation became more chaotic after the singer practically jumped into the crowd. I have my guy’s safety to think about. We called off the rescue operation after determining they could just wait till the song ended to reunite. That didn’t work out. We’ve assumed they’re both dead at this point.”
Meanwhile, Arrivale contacted a milk company to see about getting Esposito’s photograph on the back of a carton in an attempt to track her down.
Local Man Still Missing Weeks After He Decided to “Try Metaphor ReFantazio Real Quick”
BY Matt Fresh
TORONTO — Police are requesting any help in finding Adam Reso, the local gamer who is still missing two weeks after he told his friends that he planned to quickly give Metaphor: ReFantazio a try.
“It was Friday night and we were playing some Black Ops when he told us that he was going to try the Metaphor demo over the weekend. He texted me something about a red head elf lady. That’s the last anyone has seen or heard from,” said Reso’s friend Jay. “We don’t know what happened. He just vanished, he hasn’t been to work, he hasn’t read anyone’s messages, it’s really scary. Some of his neighbors said that sometimes at night they can hear really catchy rhythmic chanting coming from his apartment.”
The police say that they are expending all resources available to them to find Reso but the longer he’s missing the more likely it is he won’t be found.
“We’ve done everything we can and gone through all available channels to try and find Mr. Reso but unfortunately this is an incredibly clean disappearance,” said police commissioner Claudio Yuta. “There’s just no evidence or clues of any kind to what might have happened. He simply disappeared out of thin air. Our next course of action is investigating Atlus as according to our sources in other departments this isn’t the first disappearance case related to this game of theirs. We may have some sort of occult business going on.”
Reso’s friends aren’t giving up hope on seeing their friend again.
“He has his whole life ahead of him, you know,” said Reso’s other friend Chris. “He’s only 32, he was just about to start a gaming podcast. I know we’re gonna see him again and we’ll finally start that 4th playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3. Whatever those evil bastards at Atlus have done, they’ll pay. They’ll pay for taking our friend away from us for so long.”
At press time, Jay and Chris have also gone missing after they quickly tried Metaphor in an attempt to discover what happened to their friend.
Trump Nominates Tom Nook as Secretary of Housing & Urban Development
BY bee
PALM BEACH — President-elect Donald J. Trump has selected real estate mogul Tom Nook to head his cabinet’s Department of Housing and Urban Development.
The nomination came Friday during a rally on Trump Island which was recently charted off the Florida coastline.
“I’ve known Tom for years. Long, long time. TOM CROOK they used to call him, nasty nickname given to him by the Dirty Dems. I wouldn’t call him that, but many called him corrupt. Not now though, many people are saying it’s the greatest appointment ever. That’s what they’re saying folks, believe me let me tell you. […] Most people think he’s a fox but he’s a tanuki, a lot of people don’t know that. […] The tanukis love me. You know when you spell ‘Tom Nook’ it’s like ‘tanuki.’ I just picked that up, has anyone ever thought of that? Tanukis. He’s a Japanese racoon dog with big nuts. Huge balls on a dog thing, that’s how we make America great again.”
Nook addressed the crowd after taking the stage to K.K. Lament, which the performing artist Totakeke has since clarified was an unlicensed use of his song.
“How shall I begin, hm? I’m quite glad that I’ll be working with such an ambitious administration to turn over a new leaf and transform this desolate country.” Nook later hinted at plans for his appointment, “My programs will put a roof over every American’s head — or at least a tent, oho! It won’t cost you anything, well, a few bells. Pocket change really. But we’ll provide loans to anyone unable to afford their mandatory housing once Timmy and Tommy are heading the Treasury and SEC. Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Yes, yes! Let’s get started!”
Economic analyst Kit Soone, creator of the Substack For Whom The Bells Toll, warned against the nomination:
“Do not be fooled by his quaint demeanor, Mr. Nook has made a career off predatory practices. Tanuki are not benevolent magical creatures; they are greedy, mischievous fiends and Tom Nook is no exception. He creates closed-loop economies with fake currencies built upon indentured servitude — then he pulls the rug. His appointment threatens to bankrupt the country, leaving millions in destitute poverty, and it reeks of cronyism.”
Soone further described the intricacies of the Nook Inc. enterprise.
“He buys land in locales with no construction codes, no oversight, and no competition where his family can exploit the labor force in exchange for structures and furnishings which are mere illusions. He uses devious magic to turn leaves into useful objects then he leaves before they revert to their useless form after selling his stake in these fake gentrified communities.”
At press time, a Trump transition spokesman announced they would no longer be pursuing the Nook nomination upon learning his home ownership restructuring plan included interest-free lending.
