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Hard Digest November 15: Trump Picks, Early Access Sorrow Harvesters, Cigarettes, brat, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-16 01:00:06 +0000 UTCOverly Confident Matt Gaetz Claims He Could Expose Himself to a Tween on Fifth Avenue and He Wouldn’t Lose Any Followers
By Tim Sheard
WASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any support from his base, disgusted DC insiders reported.
“Let’s be honest patriots, I could pull out my pecker and waggle it at a 13-year-old kid, yet it wouldn’t sway a single Republican vote. God bless America!” cackled a grinning Gaetz to unsuspecting diners at a beltway Denny’s. “I’m not saying I have done that or would do that. But I’m not NOT saying it either, you catch my drift? Everything is legal for me, President Trump, and my best friend, the ghost of British comic Jimmy Savile who we will pardon on day one.”
President-elect Donald Trump offered some insight into the decision-making process that led to Gaetz’s nomination.
“You know what, a lot of smart people say ‘it takes one to know one.’ This is why I’m putting Matt Gaetz in charge of the Department of Justice. We are finally going to start catching pedophiles, and no one knows a diddler better than Gaetz. He’s popular, he knows a lot of sexual deviants, really sick people, and that’s exactly what I’m looking for,” gurgled President Trump, who reportedly narrowed down his list to Gaetz, Woody Allen, and Jerry Sandusky. “He can walk into Langley with his little pebble cock hanging out, and who would arrest him? You gotta see it, it’s so small, possibly the smallest thing ever contained in pants. You can’t be prosecuted if no one can stand to be in your physical proximity. So I will build a cabinet so repulsive that not even that little dickhead Rachel Maddow would want to interview them for her little fake news show.”
Political analysts are dismayed at how brazen Trump’s cabinet is in their disturbing and off-putting behavior.
“While Matt Gaetz is correct that his followers would absolutely forgive him for any heinous crime, I’m hopeful that in this hypothetical situation, a decent human being would kick him in the chode if it were to transpire,” said Judy Granger, editor at Politico. “Democrats have proven that they won’t do anything outside of weak bureaucracy against Republicans, but that doesn’t mean ordinary people don’t have power. Especially ones with rifles and good aim.”
Another Trump cabinet pick, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has made a similarly bizarre claim that he could fellate a dead goat on Fifth Avenue and not contract bone disease from flouride in the goat’s blood.
Metalhead Farmer Reports Highest Sorrow Harvest in Decades
By Zachary Wolf
GREENTOWN, Ind. — Local metalhead and harvester Jonas Fitzgerald says this year’s sorrow yield is the highest in decades, according to sources with inside knowledge of the situation.
“Oh, it’s a really good crop this year, real good,” said Fitzgerald while blasting Immortal from the inside of his brand new combine harvester. “I’d credit all this sorrow to the US elections, climate change, droughts, wildfires, floods, impending world war, rampant toxic masculinity, an unstable housing market, corrupt Supreme Court, sky-high grocery prices, post-pandemic profiteering, record-breaking CEO salaries, lack of health care, Project 2025, gas prices, diminishing women’s rights, unchecked transphobia, racism, crumbling infrastructures, gerrymandering, education cuts, DNC impotence, spending any amount of time on your X account, reading YouTube comments, and the death of Richard Simmons.”
Glen Park, manager of Park’s Farm Supply and Feed store, says he’s doing all he can to keep up with demand.
“I’ve never sold this many silos in one harvest season,” claimed Park as he snapped his suspenders. “Greentown will look like New York City if I have to keep building this many silos to store all the sorrow. It’s a good problem to have, I suppose, as years of optimism meant smaller and smaller harvests. You’re hard-pressed to find anyone optimistic about anything these days, though, unless they’re a complete moron that lives underneath a rock and has never heard ‘…And Justice for All.’”
Economic expert Joshua Timberbrandt predicts that this is only the beginning.
“Exploiting vulnerable populations is more profitable than it’s ever been,” said Timberbrandt while moving money to off-shore bank accounts. “Pressing my thumb down on the most at-risk segments of the population has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams, and I’m the son of a billionaire. The trick is to make people more desperate so they have no choice but to keep paying more and more for less and less. Give them a million things to worry about and they’ll never be able to focus on any one issue long enough to try and change things. And now that ol’ Donny is back in office, I only expect things to get better. For people like me, that is.”
At press time, Fitzgerald was seen mowing portions of his corn field using nothing but the sharp edges of a B.C. Rich Warlock.
Nice: This Punk Is Down to Bumming Half a Pack a Day
By Dom Turek
You don’t need nicotine patches, Allen Carr audiobooks, or pricy hypnosis sessions to quit smoking. Contrary to the advice of addiction specialists, you can usually cut back with some good old-fashioned willpower, and by having all your friends tell you to, “Grow up and buy your own goddamn pack if you want a cigarette so fucking bad.”
When you’re young, hot, and charismatic, you can bum almost anything. Drugs, alcohol, jobs, sex, and especially cigarettes were all just one “Hey man, mind if I get in on that?” away, but time has a way of catching up with you. One day you find yourself as a 38-year-old man invited to a BYOB party where you’re actually expected to bring your own beer. The second I got my first gray hair, it seemed like even the gas stations in town made a pact to stop selling me loose cigarettes because suddenly it was “against federal law.”
If only people could see that I’m still a hot, financially irresponsible 16-year-old trapped in a rapidly aging body, they’d have more sympathy for me. It’s hard remaining young at heart when everyone around you grows bitter and cynical. It’s as if saying, “C’mon man, I’d give you a cigarette if I had one,” is no longer an effective bartering tactic. I mean, if my best friends don’t care that in a hypothetical world where I have a hypothetical pack of cigarettes and would hypothetically give them one, I have to seriously reconsider the type of greedmongers I hang out with.
Fortunately, It’s not all bad news. Being involuntarily forced to cut back doesn’t come without its benefits. My tattoo infections are healing at twice their usual speed, and now that coffee and discarded pizza crusts no longer satiate me, I’ve finally made it into a healthy BMI bracket. Even the skin on my fingertips is returning to what I can only assume is its natural color.
Whenever my cravings get extra strong, I find that positive affirmations like, “I am stronger than my cravings,” or “Health over addiction” are helpful mantras, but if that fails, having everyone tell you to, “Fuck off and get a job” is also effective. At the rate people are denying me access to free drugs, smokes, alcohol, and sex, I should be completely sober and abstinent by next year.
Local Man Confidently Claims He Invented Putting Chips in Sandwich
By Alex Vlahov
HAYWARD, Calif. — Local man Nathaniel Poppavich is hell-bent on claiming his “rightful place in history” as the inventor of placing potato chips inside of sandwiches, skeptical sources report.
“It’s like someone else getting credit for your masterpiece,” shared an angered Poppavich, crunching up a bag of barbecue chips before sprinkling the contents on an Italian sub. “I remember the moment clearly. It was 2010: I was so hungover and wanted to house all of this food at once, just slam it into my face-hole. I saw the sandwich, I saw the chips, the rest is history. But did the acknowledgment ever come? Nope. I coulda been a celebrity chef or something. I knew I was destined to be ripped off, just like my dad who invented freestyle rap in the ‘80s, or my grandpa who invented sangria. What a sad world.”
A-1 Deli owner Bozo Anastopoulos wishes Nathaniel would back away from the claim.
“He is a nuisance, the chip man,” claimed Anastopoulos while eyeing teenagers in the back aisle of his deli. “He comes in here, he leans on the counter all day, he crunches the chips and puts them in his sandwich, he makes a mess–also, he brings in the sandwich from Togo’s, not ordering here! So rude, so disrespectful. He autographs printer-paper headshots as ‘Chips in Sandwich Guy,’ smearing the handouts with greasy oil fingers. He can tell those lies, but not inside here. A-1 Deli is a temple of honesty, which is why yesterday’s egg salad is half off.”
However, historian Laurel P. Judson presents sources that challenge Nathaniel’s claim.
“The origins of the ‘crisp sandwich’ can be traced back to an article from the early 1950s,” countered Judson from her office in the Memphis Sandwich Institute. “There are actually stories of Prague circus strongmen stuffing fried potato rinds between bread-crusts as sustenance during famine. In fact, Jimmy Carter was particularly fond of the practice, perhaps the most interesting fact about him. I understand Poppavich’s yearning for immortality–who doesn’t want to be remembered beyond this skin husk? Hell, I’ve been trying to publish my edible sandwich book for years now. I’ve tried explaining this, but instead he just crinkles chips over the phone.”
At press time, Poppavich is claiming to have invented the concept of ‘Hot Ones’ when daring his college roommates to try ghost pepper hot sauce.
Opinion: It’s Time To Reconcile With the Fact That Being “brat” Isn’t Enough for America
By Tyler Roland
As America found out on November 5th, it took more than being “brat” to win the election. Charli XCX, the Mother of all Mothers, endorsed Kamala when she replaced Biden, yet the hottest pop girlie of 2024 couldn’t keep Trump from taking back the White House.
Never mind that it should be the brat Green House now, and have a spot for Boiler Room sets in the West Wing. We need to learn from the past to see what the left needs to get right in 2028.
This was no “Pokémon Go to the Polls,” folks. Kamala and Charli were destined for greatness. When Kamala burst onto the scene with that whole “coconut tree” thing, and Charli made waves with the song “girl, so confusing,” the pair seemed meant to be.
If only Bushwick got 100 electoral votes. If only Kamala’s campaign centered around legalizing poppers. She had the perfect chance to attack Trump not as a fascist, but as “very mindful, very demure,” and run with brat all the way to November. Lean the fuck into it! I mean, look at Trump with Grimes’ ex!
Sadly, playing these “what-if” games is futile now. You want to know how badly she fucked up? All the MAGA movement needed from the world of music was Kid Rock and that guy who used to fuck you up in high school that scream-raps into his phone over a $5.99 beat. Those endorsements pushed them while the DNC was trying to get Biden on a remix of “club classics” so he could support his VP with grace and dignity from afar.
Since Trump won with has-beens and, let’s face it, brat Summer will be forgotten the way Barbenheimer is now by next year, let’s have the Dems try the same trick in 2028. Have the campaign ads say that brat’s lime-ass green is the new blue—and I guarantee that the right will have met their Charli-stanning match.
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JD Vance Disappointed to Learn Presidential Cabinet Is Just a Bunch of People
BY Gary Kerls
WASHINGTON — In the wake of a historic Presidential race, Vice President elect JD Vance was eager to get into the White House and get to work, however that eagerness turned to disappointment when he learned the Presidential Cabinet is not an elegantly designed piece of furniture, sources close to him have confirmed.
“When I told him it’s actually an advisory board composed of executive department heads, I could see the light go out in his eyes,” says Susie Wiles, Trump’s newly selected Chief of Staff. “It’s like I told him Santa Claus isn’t real, you’d think an elected Senator would know that.”
As the Trump/Vance campaign headed into November, JD Vance’s fascination with the White House interior grew exponentially.
“I’m under the assumption that I will be the one sitting in the Oval Office when President Trump is out golfing,” Vance said at a truck driver luncheon last week in Reading, Pennsylvania. “It’ll just be me in there. Me in the most elegantly furnished room this great country has to offer.”
Since the election results, Republicans have gone back on former promises made. Project 2025 appears to be Trump’s policy moving forward, and the once thought to be ridiculous claims of furniture fornication hurled at Senator Vance may be true as well.
“I believe now that Trump has won we can say, yes there was evidence of Senator Vance having a relationship with his couch,” Speaker Mike Johnson admitted to our sources. “We knew before Trump selected him as his running mate. The decision was mostly made because Vance and Pence are only two letters off from each other, so 2020 merch was easy to edit.”
Sources close to the President have confirmed that Vance’s allegiance was bought by Trump with several Pottery Barn gift cards.
“When the time comes, and it will come, everybody says it’s gonna come, it came last time and it’s gonna come again,” Trump told the press regarding the January 6th insurrection. “When that time comes to barricade ourselves in the White House I know JD will have intimate and crucial knowledge.”
At press time, the White House daily itinerary has allotted Vice President Vance 15 minutes alone in the Oval Office for “JD Time.”
Boston Man Can’t Wait to See “Wicked” Movie Everyone Talking About
BY BOSTON — Lifelong Southie resident and film enthusiast Bobby Smart can’t wait to see the new “Wicked” movie he’s heard everyone talking about so much recently, sources familiar with the matter confirm.
“This is friggin’ amazing,” Smart said in a statement. “I mean, no one’s even saying the full title of the movie! They’re just calling it ‘the wicked movie’- which I’m taking to mean as ‘wicked good’, obviously. The word’s an adverb, a lotta people forget that…but anyways, I don’t even wanna look it up and learn what it’s about. I’m picturing a gunfight or two, maybe some explosions, a climactic final battle…I’ll go into the theater completely blind to make sure I get the full experience.”
While he’s known around the neighborhood to be “pretty enthusiastic” and “sometimes a little too much”, Smart’s friends and neighbors haven’t seen him so excited for a movie in years, according to multiple reports.
“He’s been going on about it the whole damn week,” childhood friend Sam Nestor noted. “I feel like the last time he was this amped up to go to the movies was right before we went to see The Departed back in ‘06. But I don’t think he knows he’s in for a delightful adaptation of the beloved Stephen Schwartz musical starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande as Elphaba and Galinda, respectively. Boy, is he gonna be surprised. I can’t wait to see his reaction.”
Local AMC theater employee Martha Watson offered her thoughts on Smart’s recent behavior.
“Oh, that guy? Yeah, he comes in every so often to see a sports biopic or a Scorsese flick. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not so sure what’s got him so hyped about this one, it doesn’t seem like it’s in his wheelhouse at all.” Watson told reporters. “An origin story about the land of Oz and the Wicked Witch of the West?” After taking a pause to think, she continued: “Oh, wait a minute…he does use the word ‘wicked’ a lot. ‘That was wicked cool’…uh-oh. Is that what this is all about?”
At press time, Smart was seen exiting the theater after his showing of “Wicked” with a look of completely ambiguous shock on his face.
