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Hard Digest November 6: Election Fallout, Early Access Articles, and More
🕑 Added 2024-11-07 01:00:05 +0000 UTCHistory Buff Excited to Experience What 1930s Germany Was Like
By Tim Graham
BINGHAMTON, N.Y. – Local World War II enthusiast Edward Spencer says he is looking forward to witnessing the rise of fascism unfold in real-time, horrified sources confirm.
“It’s pretty rare that you get an opportunity to watch a historical subject you’re heavily interested in play out before your eyes,” said Spencer. “There are so many details that get glossed over in histories of 1930s Germany that we’ll get to bear witness to. Like what symbol will they choose for the flags? Who’s going to design the uniforms? Will they use traditional trains to cart off their victims, or will they go with the Tesla Hyperloop? This isn’t an endorsement of fascism, of course—I just think it’s cool to be a witness to history as it happens!”
Spencer’s wife Abby is not pleased with where her husband’s hobby has taken him.
“I knew Ed’s obsession with World War II would lead to no good,” said Mrs. Spencer while she booked a flight to Canada. “He’s actually pretty liberal, but his desire to know what the rise of fascism was like led him to vote for Trump, despite my pleading. Now he’s as giddy as a schoolgirl, getting to see in person how a society falls to right-wing authoritarianism. Luckily I have a sister in Saskatchewan so that’s probably where the kids and I will wind up. I don’t even think he noticed me packing—he’s too consumed with his WWII Discord group and discussing parallels between Trump and Hitler and Vance and Eva Braun.”
Actual historian Philip Snow of American University is adamantly not excited about the country’s prospects.
“No, there’s no way to frame Trump’s re-election as a good thing,” said Professor Snow. “Even if it illuminates how such tragedies occur. Mr. Spencer and his ilk should’ve been satisfied with the many books, podcasts and documentaries that are available on the topic. There’s no need to experience actual fascism in order to understand it. Now real historians like myself will be castigated by future generations for not doing more to prevent this. Listen, jackasses: I did everything I could. Year after year I warned students about the dangers of this shit. But apparently it’s no match for far-right adolescent Kick streamers and Nazis on X.”
At press time, Spencer had attempted to sign his sons up for the newly formed Trump Youth organization, though he was unable to locate his wife or children anywhere.
Trump Voter a Little Disappointed He Won’t Get To Shit on Desk in Capitol This Time
By Max Barth
WEST CHESTER, Penn. — Local Trump supporter Stephen Hall confirmed that he is happy about Trump’s win, but is a “little disappointed” that he won’t get to defecate on a Congressperson’s desk this time around, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I was a little surprised that he won, with all the cheating and fake ballots I saw flying around my Facebook all week,” said Hall, who is recovering from emergency intestinal surgery. “I started eating a bunch of expired cereal, rubber erasers, and energy drinks, thinking I could make it up to D.C. in time to express my opinion. Voting was fine, but it just didn’t feel as rewarding as ruining some legislative assistant’s keyboard by squatting over it, blowing out my back end, and yelling about how Democrats made Mr. Potato Head gay. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.”
Dr. Sadiq Abbas, the surgeon who saved Hall’s life, refused to say whether his patient would have in fact been able to carry his intestinal cargo across state lines before he faced serious health consequences.
“It’s hard to say, because we’ve been swamped with these cases all day. We had a lady come in before polls opened, claiming she’d eaten so much lentil soup she could hear her dead mother’s voice,” said Abbas. “Her plan wasn’t even to go to D.C., she said she was just going to do it right there in the polling booth. We monitored her for a few hours – we even helped her do a provisional ballot, which she hated – but couldn’t keep her. I’m really worried about how people in her position are going to take this nonviolent victory at the ballot box. She was so psyched to shit in public.”
Trump campaign spokesman Stephen Cheung issued the following statement in response to supporters’ concerns.
“Following President Donald J. Trump’s landslide victory, now is the time to unite as Americans to MAGA,” said Cheung. “The President-elect wants Patriots to know that they will get to poop and also pee in public on top of things they disagree with very soon, as our fight to drain the swamp continues. I would remind the fake news media and radical leftists that President-elect Trump will soon pardon the January 6th hostages, among them some of the finest fecal freedom fighters in the conservative movement, and trust me when I say – it’s a huge movement.”
As of press time, Hall was planning on taking a dump on the local Postmaster’s car for agreeing to deliver mail-in ballots.
DNC Announces Plans to Learn Nothing from This
By WASHINGTON — The leaders of the Democratic National Committee announced they plan to learn absolutely nothing from their embarrassing loss to President-elect Donald Trump, multiple sources confirmed.
“We learned a lot this time around. The most important takeaway from all of this is that we have to stay the course. In 2028 we plan to put forward the most disliked candidate yet. The primary process will probably be truncated, maybe we will skip it altogether. It all depends on what our biggest corporate donors want,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “But we can’t do this without raising money. If you thought our fundraising efforts were annoying before, you haven’t seen anything yet. We also want to congratulate our friends in the Republican party, they played a great game and we can’t wait to work with them more.”
Lisa Fouts, a reluctant member of the Democrat party, is not sure what to do from here.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be an easy win. Trump is a felon, a rapist, and he’s legitimately losing his mind. But no, the DNC fucked everything up at every level. They just assumed people would vote their way despite doing nothing for years, it makes me want to puke,” said Fouts. “The DNC already sent an email with the subject line ‘Shame On You’ and it said I didn’t send them enough money to get them to win. Then they sent a follow up email that called me a ‘spoiled child’ and then left me a voicemail saying they are going to kick my dog if I even consider looking into a third part candidate.”
Republican National Committee Chair Michael Whatley is excited to see his colleagues at the DNC make the same mistakes over and over.
“For the past few months everyone was talking about how the Trump campaign was floundering and how Harris had all the momentum, but I was never in doubt,” said Whatley. “I saw how the DNC ignored voters, I saw how they talked down to people, and that just made my job easy. I go in and say ‘Democrats think you’re dumb, but Republicans think you’re a genius’ and these dopes eat it up like the slop they feed their pigs. It’s going to be really fun to see them dust off the same exact playbook next time around, I already have two copies of it, I use one to even out the table in my kitchen, and the other I use the pages to pick up my dogs shit in the yard.”
Harrison followed his remarks with an email to registered Democrats hoping to quell criticism of the party’s current trajectory.
House Show Becomes Basement Show After Sinkhole Opens Beneath Living Room
By Ben Friedman
ST. PAUL, Minn. — A lineup of bands playing at popular punk house Chalet Cretin has been quickly re-billed as a “basement show” after a sinkhole suddenly opened up beneath the living room, injured attendees have reported.
“There’s no need to call 911 and put the kibosh on the fun, it’s just an extremely quick change of scenery caused by the domino effect of never clearing my gutters or checking for groundhogs. Besides, we’ve got like nine bands to go and it wouldn’t be fair to them if we canceled the show just because someone is trapped underneath the rubble,” said house owner Hank Paulson. “Look–we can sit here and cry about everyone’s grievous injuries, or we can point some flashlights into the gaping chasm that was once my living room and fucking party. Besides, I got a semi-famous band to play tonight and I’ll look like an asshole if we cancel the show.”
Members of hardcore band Britney Sneers, who were in the middle of their set when the floor collapsed, were surprised the damage wasn’t worse.
“Classic Hank, trying to spin this as a venue change and not an infrastructure fuck up. These floors have always groaned and creaked louder than the music, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner. He’s just lucky our gear was already half busted up to begin with, or this would be ten times worse,” said lead singer Bea Richardson. “Not gonna lie though, the acoustics down are way better if you ignore the people screaming in agony. The biggest challenge now is waiting for EMS to come and help lift these Marshall stacks out of this hole.”
Scene veteran “Jackknife” Lewis commended Paulson for not letting a natural disaster interrupt a good time.
“Gotta hand it to Hank for sticking to ‘the show must go on’ credo. Nowadays I see bitch-ass showrunners cancel gigs before you can finish your first beer over some light rain, but this was a genius move on his part to rebrand the second the floor gave way,” said Lewis. “Real punks don’t let something like a cave-in stop them. Last year my buddy’s house burned down and he still had three bands play in the charred remains hours later. Called it the ‘Phoenix Festival.’ So casualties aside, tonight was a pretty good show.”
Later, Paulson was forced to alter the event title to an “acoustic show” after Jackknife windmill kicked an exposed power line.
Opinion: While the Music Video for Sisqó’s “The Thong Song” Was Enjoyable, It Did Not Do the Novel Justice
By We hear it all the time when a literary classic is put to film: “I enjoyed it, but the movie was so much better.” Even the biggest exemplars of cinematic excellence fail to capture the scope, depth, and beauty of their literary counterparts. Films such as “Gone with the Wind,” “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and “The Grapes of Wrath” are all brilliant works of art that sadly fit into this category. While my lack of desire to add to this list leaves me loath to write this, I simply must express my belief that, having revisited the music video for Sisqó’s “The Thong Song” after 24 years, it simply does not do the novel justice.
Back in 2000, when Sisqó announced the upcoming music video based on his 1999 novel “The Thong Song,” I was eager to see the brilliance of that homage to 19th Century Romanticism put to film, but was largely disappointed in the result. Where were the sprawling Nottinghamshire moors detailed so exquisitely in the book? The shocking juxtaposition in moral orders between the Corning and Henshaw estates?
This isn’t to say the adaptation was a complete loss. I was blown away by the scene portraying scantily-clad women playing beach volleyball, which I understood as a subtle nod to the back-and-forth letters penned by Wilkie and the widow Henshaw at the onset of their tragically doomed love affair in Act 1, and Sisqó’s dyed-white hair adeptly points to the snow adorning the hillside as Adelia rushes to halt their union. I simply feel the direction of the video ultimately went off course a little too hastily for my tastes.
Throughout the video, there’s little mention of the titular “thong song” sung by the forlorn Perry Corning after breaking the fastening on his favorite horsewhip, seen by the reader as an allegory for the ruined ties between the two houses. The “dun-nuh, dun-nuh” portion of Sisqó’s chorus references the sound of Corning’s approaching horse which so excited Catherine up until she tragically succumbed to scarlet fever, but the similarities seem to end there.
With all that being said, please do not let me stop you from rewatching the music video. It acts as a perfectly serviceable representation of the superb tale on which it is based. Its greatest sin is simply that, if you’ll forgive the hackneyed phrasing, it stands on the shoulders of a giant. Just know that you will surely be better off opening the printed work and losing yourself in Sisqó’s astonishingly immersive world of passion and intrigue all over again.
Woman Horrified to Learn the “Fur Baby” Her Date Keeps Referring to Is His Braided Goatee
By Kyle Donley
APPLETON, Wis. — Local woman Allyson Boyle was completely turned off after discovering that her date Doug Innis referred to his braided goatee as a “fur baby,” confirmed sources who couldn’t get the check faster.
“I don’t normally date guys who look like they were the bass player of a nu metal band in 2002, but he was seemingly so passionate about animals that I was smitten. I was having trouble understanding what kind of pet he had though,” Boyle explained. “He kept talking about how his fur baby loved getting pets from strangers but that it also had a very pungent smell that could be off-putting. That’s when he dipped that gross 12-inch chin beard into a bowl of corn chowder and said ‘baby’s hungry.’ But hey, at least he didn’t say he had a pet tarantula. I would’ve fled the scene immediately.”
Innis, for what it’s worth, considered this to be one of the better dates he’s been on since going hog wild with facial hair.
“As a fur daddy, dating can be complicated,” Innis expressed. “I’ve found that most women don’t actually like fur babies, even though their dating profiles clearly state otherwise. And yet they’re all obsessed with dogs too, it’s weird. Dogs are kinda gross and you can’t even braid their hair. Believe me, I once tried on an Afghan Hound and it nearly ripped my goatee square off of my face. How dare that thing mess with my precious facial offspring.”
Their waiter, Kenny Ahearn, was one of the many bystanders grossed out by their date.
“There used to be a time when you couldn’t eat in a restaurant with a braided goatee. And for good reason. After all, this is a nice restaurant, Edward Norton’s stunt double eats here,” said Ahearn. “Like, I’m glad they have their rights and protections now, but this is what happens when you leave your fur baby all exposed like that. I’m a fur daddy too but I keep that shit underneath my nose where it should be. My fur baby mustache is too dear to me to leave it so out in the open and vulnerable to the elements.”
At press time, Innis forgot to mention that he also has several cats that he considers his fur pets.
Trump Surprised to Learn Monopoly Hotels Make Money
BY Gary Kerls
PALM BEACH, Fla. — After an exhausting end of campaign push in swing states across the country, President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump was surprised to learn that hotels in Monopoly make money, sources at Mar-a-Lago confirm.
Trump and his closest confidants gathered together for a calming game of Monopoly late Tuesday night to prepare for the absolute destruction of democracy.
“It’s a nice distraction for Mr. Trump, he loves Monopoly,” said Vice President-elect JD Vance to the press. “And it was good to finally get some face time with him. Now that we’ll be working closely together on dismantling the democratic institutions of America, it’s good we had a chance to talk, however briefly.”
Attendees for the night included Vance, as well as Trump’s three sons, Eric, Don Jr. and Barron.
“Melania was invited too, but we took her six months of silence as a no,” Eric told reporters when pressed about the small turnout.
As the game commenced it became clear to those around him that Trump was not in the right state of mind for a whimsical game night with the family.
“He literally owned property in Atlantic City, he should be way better at this,” said Trump’s youngest son, Barron. “But all he was worried about was getting out of landing on the Income Tax spot and why the hotel pieces didn’t have his name on them.”
The night did take a turn, however, when Trump began collecting colorful currency from the other players. A rush of energy seemed to shoot through the bronzed 78 year old man. This excitement only grew when Trump realized the hotels in the board game actually make you money.
“It was the happiest I’ve seen him in years,” said Don Jr smoking a cigar laced with cocaine at the end of the night. “He giggled every time he passed go, and eventually started waxing poetic about the ‘late great Mr. Monopoly,’ we didn’t have the heart to tell him he isn’t dead and isn’t real.”
The night concluded with Trump in the lead with the most money, as well as the most control over the properties, including pivotal swing space, Pennsylvania and North Carolina Avenues.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Trump. “I mean hotels that make money legally. What a concept. I was swiping money from everyone’s pile when they weren’t looking and then one of my sons, Evan I think his name is, told me, ‘Dad’ he said, ‘Dad the hotels here make you money that you collect from players, you don’t have to steal it.’ Wow. That’s news to me, but what a brilliant concept let me tell you.”
At press time, the Mar-a-Lago community Monopoly game was discovered to be missing its ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards.
America Confirms Backwards Compatibility with 2016
BY Matt Fresh
WASHINGTON — The United States of America has officially confirmed that it will be backwards compatible with 2016 starting in January 2025.
While there has been much speculation over the last few months whether or not America would implement backwards compatibility for 2016, the country officially confirmed the feature late Tuesday night.
“While some unpatriotic dissenters would prefer for us as a nation to move forward, we are proud to announce that the country will officially support backwards compatibility with 2016,” said Vice President-elect J.D. Vance in a press conference, while his eyes longed for a new leather couch. “The fact of the matter is that Americans want backwards compatibility and that’s what we’re going to give them. We’re not stopping at 2016 either. Once we’ve fully implemented 2016 compatibility we will keep working to make the country even more backwards compatible. Soon we’ll be backwards compatible with the 1950s, 1939, even the 1800s. Cotton fields are coming back in a big way.”
The country’s elected leadership is more than happy to give the people what they want in moving the nation backwards.
“Anger, fear, division, ineptitude. Everything you all loved about 2016 will be available again starting January 20. We’re not stopping there though. By the time we’re done, this great nation will be backwards compatible with the dark ages. Vaccines. Gone. Autism. Gone. Gluten allergies. Gone. Women’s rights. Gone. Non-believers of the Christian faith. Gone. Prima Nocta. Back. Free reign to kill any animal that crosses my path and eat its innards right in the middle of the street while I howl in victory. Back.” said RFK Jr.
President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump said that the push for backwards compatibility will usher in a golden age for the country.
“We’re going back folks. We’re moving the country backwards just like you wanted, it’s gonna be a golden era let me tell you. This whole place will be showering in gold. We’re going back to the times when women were women and men were men. That’s what we need and that’s what we’re gonna give you folks. Men are gonna be men again, yes they are. No more gays folks, no more gays let me tell you. Just big beefy manly men,” Trump said while pretending to give his microphone a sensual fellatio.
At press time, Democrats were reportedly briefing Hillary Clinton on Pokémon Go.
