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Hard Digest October 7: Early Access Cannibal Corpse, Joe Bonamassa, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-08 00:00:05 +0000 UTCHeartwarming: Metalhead Proposes to Girlfriend During “I Cum Blood” Introduction at Cannibal Corpse Show
By Chris Bowen
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up sources confirmed.
“She said ‘hell yes!’” exclaimed Felton before shouting to the band to play “Post Mortal Ejaculation” to really “set the mood.” “I’ve been planning this proposal for a good hour and I was even able to bargain with the guy at the pawnshop for the ring, so the stars were clearly aligned tonight. Really wanted to use ‘I Cum Blood’ as our first dance song at our wedding too, but Jade is really hoping for it to be ‘Fucked with a Knife.’ I’m sure we can iron out the details later, but for now we celebrate love and this shirt I just bought from the merch table with two bloody corpses licking each others’ rotting skin in a dungeon while their intestines ooze out of their abdomens. What a day.”
Felton’s fiancé couldn’t be more excited to spend the rest of her life with him.
“He’s just such a romantic dude,” said Oliver before showing off her ring to the only other woman at the show. “He’s been known to tear his sleeve off and prop it over a puddle so my feet don’t get wet. He also lets me wear his battle vest when I get cold. Not to mention, he opens doors for me and then immediately shuts them for people behind. Before the show, he even gave me a dozen dead roses and the still-bleeding heart of a cow. And they say chivalry is dead.”
Experts were quick to note other similar instances during live events.
“Many a metalhead have been known to hit most of their life milestones at shows,” said music historian Graham Revorton. “Just last week, one couple somehow closed on their first home and signed all the paperwork during a Deicide set. Another held their entire wedding ceremony during a Cattle Decapitation show. The families were none too pleased. And there’s even been at least one instance of a metalhead giving birth in the middle of a Dying Fetus set. They left the placenta and everything. Metalheads have no shame.”
At press time, Felton and Oliver had to postpone the wedding after they couldn’t get Morbid Angel as their wedding band and were forced to look elsewhere.
Opinion: I’m Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal, and Internet Communist
By Ben Friedman
With this country basically divided into only two camps, I feel like I’m on crazy pills for having a more nuanced outlook on the issues. I know that political discourse is not as black and white as the media portrays, and many contrasting views can be true at once!
Which is why my views are a healthy balance of being financially conservative, socially liberal, and online communist.
Some call me a hypocrite, but I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to be as open as possible when it comes to my political views, even if that means compromising my beliefs and even contradicting myself numerous times in a conversation. Not that I’m trying to, but it’s just that I’m trying to sort all this political bullshit out in real-time across multiple mediums.
I’m not asking for much, just for a government that cuts wasteful spending while ensuring the rights of women, minorities, and the queer community are protected while encouraging online discourse for the proletariat to rise up and overthrow the bourgeois.
That last part is where it gets tricky because that is the future I really want and I think we can all agree it makes sense on paper and Reddit. But then I get thinking about my taxes getting raised to cover shit like universal basic income and healthcare and I think a little bit of social security privatization is fine. Who’s gonna retire anyway?
And before anyone gets it twisted, just because I want funding social safety nets slashed for my own personal gain doesn’t mean I believe marginalized people and communities should be treated second-class citizens. I’m not a monster after all. You will always see me at the pride parade in June holding all the rainbow Bank of America pens!
I firmly believe the internet is for and by the people, because without us there’d be no content period. Plus telling women that I’m all for crushing capitalism is the only way they’ll talk to me. Look at it this way, since more women don’t want to have kids, why not cut education funding by 30%? It’s promoting bodily autonomy and prudent government spending.
Jesus Christ, I sound like an asshole. At least I’m not like those guys who also identified as spiritually libertarian. I’d be insufferable.
Joe Bonamassa Rescues Rare Guitar from Owner Who Would Have Forced It to Make Good Music
By John Danek
NASHVILLE — Notorious guitar collector Joe Bonamassa is being praised for saving a mint 1965 Gibson ES-335 from a lifetime of quality songwriting in a youthful punk band, according to guitar forum posters.
“I went to one of my regular blues joints in order to strong-arm my way into ripping some guest solos with whatever band was playing when I noticed things were different- some punk band was on stage,” recounted a teary-eyed Bonamassa, who reportedly lets his guitars sleep in the bed with him. “Their guitarist had this flame maple top ES-335 with patent number humbuckers, and he was just bashing on the thing while the audience thrashed like crazy- probably out of frustration over how he was treating that poor guitar. I knew I had to step in and save it from this abusive owner.”
Lowell Majowski, guitarist of indie punk band Staff Only, is still baffled by the strange interaction he had with Bonamassa.
“This dude who was dressed like a cross between Guy Fieri and a hedge fund manager came up to me mid-song and offered $32,000 for the guitar in cash, straight up- I took it without hesitation,” explained Majowski, who was gifted the guitar by his late uncle. “Uncle Joe adored this guitar and loved saying how I would inherit it someday, but deep down I just want to play a Schecter. Those things are sick. Anyways, the Gibson didn’t chug very well and the f-holes kept yanking out my arm hairs. That dude might want to stick a vacuum in there or something.”
Experts in the vintage guitar industry emphasize the importance of good Samaritans like Bonamassa.
“Praise be to God that Joe was able to step in and save this innocent, magnificent being,” stated vintage guitar shop owner Paul Rockford of Paul’s Diamond Guitars. “Normally I’m a free market kind of guy, but the government needs to do something about this rampant abuse. No guitar should have to endure sweat, heavy power chords, or the excitement of a rowdy audience. They should be protected behind glass cases on walls or occasionally used for gentle, tasteful blues licks with sparse amounts of distortion.”
In related news, Bonamassa has been banned from Guitar Centers nationwide for bullying customers into not buying pedals.
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Kevin Smith Breaks Down His Top 100 Movies for Random Guy Behind Him at the Bank
BY Dan Kozuh
SHREWSBURY, N.J. — A routine visit to the bank took a horrifying turn for local resident, Ryan Peterson, when he found himself in the cinematic crossfire of seminal New Jersey director Kevin Smith’s impromptu movie ranking marathon, patrons at the bank report.
“One minute, I’m zoning out, and the next, some dude in jorts is talking about how at least we’re not in ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ I casually told him I’d never seen it and he just snaps, suddenly he’s ranting at me about cinema,” Peterson stated to authorities. “He just wouldn’t stop. It was barely 10:30 in the morning and I’m being assaulted with names like ‘A Man For All Seasons,’ ‘Do The Right Thing,’ and ‘The Last Temptation of Christ!’ Finally I lied to him and told him I’d seen ‘Jaws’ because I was afraid he’d hit me if I said I hadn’t.”
Smith, seemingly unaware of any social cues, couldn’t comprehend that Peterson, “isn’t really a movie guy.”
“Yeah, so I just need to deposit this—oh, did I ever mention how ‘Star Wars’ didn’t just redefine the science-fiction, but it was really George Lucas borrowing from the brilliance of Japanese filmmakers like Kurosawa?” Smith launched in, his voice adopting the gravitas of an underappreciated film professor. “I mean, people talk about ‘Star Wars’ being revolutionary, but without ‘The Hidden Fortress,’ there’s no galaxy far, far away. It’s all there—the framing, the narrative structure. Lucas basically lifted the soul of samurai cinema and dropped it into space. It’s genius, but, like, derivative genius, American genius… Anyway, where was I? Oh right, Wim Wenders’ ‘Paris, Texas…’”
Not everyone was baffled by the impromptu spoken word session, though. Smith’s fan base runs deep, and one diehard devotee was, apparently, very jealous of Peterson’s encounter.
“That guy has no idea how lucky he is. The dude basically got a solo show!,” said grinning superfan, Tony DeLuca, who had Peterson repeat the entire exchange back to him. “Kevin doesn’t just do this for anyone. I’ve paid for that honor. I’m dying to know what [Smith] thinks of ‘Joker: Folie à Deux,’ or even just the trailer for that new Bong Joon Ho flick that just came out.”
As of this afternoon, Smith had finally made his way to the teller, where she was treated to an oration explaining why he never directed a superhero movie. “I could’ve, man, I really could’ve, but, like, Batman? Too much baggage, Hollywood already screwed it up too much. Now Swamp Thing? That’s a character I could’ve done justice to, but he’s not bankable…”
Sick Fuck Enjoys Board Game Parts of Mario Party More Than Mini Games
BY Jus Kaplan
MINNEAPOLIS — In a disturbing revelation that has left acquaintances confused and appalled, local man Kevin Whittaker, 34, has admitted to deriving significantly more joy from the board game aspects of the Mario Party franchise than from the mini-games, disgusted sources report.
“We did a game night last weekend, and after a few drinks I suggested we play ‘Super Mario Party’ on my Switch. Everyone was totally down to just do some mini games except Kevin,” explained Steph Miller, a friend of Whittaker’s. “He insisted we play a 30-round game on Whomp’s Domino Ruins or he was going to leave. He said doing a full match is the only way to, ‘separate the strategic masterminds from the button-mashing rubes,’ whatever the hell that means. It didn’t even matter since we ended up quitting after like 7 rounds because Leslie fell asleep.”
Whittaker says he’s simply been misunderstood.
“Look, I get why the mini games are appealing in theory. But I’m a refined gamer who likes to think and plan and strategize, not to mention sabotage. I refuse to be some single-celled amoeba who just hops up and down on the A button as fast as I can until I keel over,” Whittaker explained, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “At its core, Mario Party is not a series of sprints. It’s a marathon full of twists and turns and tactical decisions, and I’m a cunning long distance runner. Leslie really showed her lack of stamina, that’s for sure.”
Leslie Turnell, the friend-of-a-friend who couldn’t stay awake, rebutted Whittaker’s point of view.
“I literally just wanted to play nostalgic mini games like Pushy Penguins and Hot Rope Jump. It was one in the goddamn morning and we’re all in our thirties,” she explained. “And I wish we had done that because Kevin totally took things too seriously. He was doing mental math calculating the odds of each of us winning after every turn based on the current star and coin distributions and shit like that. Of course I passed out—he turned playing Mario Party with friends into playing Monopoly with a real estate broker.”
At press time, Whittaker was seen researching every star spawn point for all playable Mario Party maps in case he finds a new group of friends willing to play it with him.
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