thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest October 18& 19: Warped Tour, Early Access Hank Williams, Tacos, Feminism, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-20 00:00:05 +0000 UTCCrust Punk Enters “Only Listens to Hank Williams” Stage of Lifecycle
By PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.
“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember,” reported Gorski as he picked an old cigarette butt out of one of his dreadlocks. “The rampant consumerism and flag worship that’s shoved down all our throats as we grow up never appealed to me, nor did the bullshit music that’s always pervaded the airwaves. I grew up listening to stuff like Amebix and hometown heroes Aus-Rotten, but now I mainly only listen to Hank Williams. I’m not really sure what the reason is, either. One day I just woke up and that was the only music I was really interested in. I can’t help it anymore.”
Others in Gorski’s social circle have expressed confusion at his newfound listening preferences.
“I’ve known Eric ever since we were kids, and while I respect his rejection of capitalism, I wish he would shower more. Despite our differences we always got along really well,” said Gorski’s friend Danielle Burke. “The other day I visited his tattoo shop and he had ‘Move It on Over’ blasting out of the speakers. What’s weird is, Eric still looks exactly the same, and even has a brand new Hellbastard patch on the one pair of black jeans he always wears. I asked him if Hank Williams’ DIY approach to his career is what drew him to his music, and he kind of looked at me blankly, so I don’t think that’s it. This just seems to be something that kind of…happened with him as some sort of natural, biological process.”
Social psychologist Brianna Igwe of Carnegie Mellon University was not at all surprised at Gorski’s transformation.
“This is to be expected, as a sudden affinity for Hank Williams is thought to be the leading indicator that a crust punk has reached the final stage of lifecycle development,” Igwe offered. “I’ve conducted countless case studies on the subject, and while crust punks’ appearances will remain unchanged, they’ll inevitably reach a point where they literally only listen to Hank Williams. I’d love to be able to tell you what this evolves into, but without fail, all the subjects in my case studies have suddenly moved away to live out of their vans at some point during this stage. I fear it’s only a matter of time before Mr. Gorski disappears into the ether.”
At press time, Gorski had upended years of scientific consensus by revealing that he’s also been listening to Elvis.
Feminist Win: This Woman Played An Entire Game Of Pool Without A Man Interrupting To Give An Unsolicited Tip
By There was something undeniably femme in the air that day. A wind that whispered “shhhhhh” into the ears of men on the sidewalk outside the local dive bar. Inside, a woman plays pool. But the environment is different…there are no interruptions. No “maybe hold the stick like this” or “angle it from here” comments. Not even a sexually aggressive “you should bend over more” from a boomer who looks like he has multiple kids that refuse to talk to him. But for the first time, possibly ever in the history of mankind, a woman completed a game of pool in peace.
“This took months of preparation,” said Jamie Binion. “But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I’ve never felt so focused. This must be what men feel like when they play; simply unbothered.”
Sinking yet another ball she winks at the empty chairs surrounding her on this gloomy Tuesday morning. Even the timing had to be carefully considered for this event to occur without a hitch.
“I never thought I’d see the day. Even in a place as remote as this, there’s always a man in the corner that needs to solicit his unprovoked opinion” the bartender explained as she re-duct taped the male opponent’s mouth. The empty bar and supportive tender weren’t the only things that contributed to such an event, it also took an ally willing to abide by a few rules.
We had been so wrapped up in the magic happening that the man across from our queen had become an afterthought, of course. What we assume was a smile appeared across his face as he told us about how he ended up being chosen for such a game. “Mmmgrrmmrr” he told us through his freshly duct-taped mouth. “Ggghrrmmhmm,” yet at the same time “hhhmmrgggrrm” he explained. What a sweetie pie!
The game didn’t last very long, and the competition was slim considering the zeroed-in focus that had been created for our feminist icon. Things become a breeze when you aren’t being harassed, it appears. “Suck my dick!” she aptly yelled as she sunk the final 8 ball. As the winner wrapped herself up in outside clothes™ (the layers a woman wears on public transportation so as not to be catcalled constantly) she prepared to face reality again and leave the haven that had been built so carefully. Upon her departure, we heard a whine from the pool table. “Please come back” it whispered as she walked into the sunlight and misogyny.
White Friend That Went to Mexico for Three Days Suddenly Pronouncing “Taco” Differently
By TAUNTON, Mass. — Local man Patrick Kelly surprised friends and family with his supposed “authentic” pronunciation of common Mexican foods after a week-long vacation in Cancún, annoyed sources confirmed.
“It’s really nice to get away and be immersed in another culture. I feel like a new hombre. The people I met, the food, it was a life-changing experience,” said Kelly, who spent the entire week inside the grounds of Temptation Cancun Resort. “I had this waiter I’ll never forget, I think his name was Raul, or maybe it was Juan, I’m not really sure. But he challenged me to expand my tastebuds. Instead of opting for mild salsa with my nachos, I went with hot, and it was tough at first. My mouth felt like it was on fire, but it made me feel like an Aztec warrior with every bite. If I can handle Mexican spice I can handle anything.”
Friends of Kelly say he has been even more insufferable since he returned from his trip.
“I suggested we go to Taco Bell for dinner one night and he told me it’s actually pronounced like ‘tee-ya-co’ and told me that’s fake Mexican food and suggested I try something authentic like Chiptole,” said former roommate Danny Sullivan. “The worst part is he tried ordering in Spanish. The girl behind the counter didn’t know what he was trying to say, and he kept trying to roll his Rs but he would just end up spitting all over the glass. He eventually gave up and just pointed at the beans he wanted, which he kept calling ‘free-jolls’ by the way.”
Nithya Choudhury, a linguist and dialect coach, says it’s not uncommon for people to pick up certain phrases after a vacation.
“We’ve all had that friend who did a semester abroad in England and came home and started calling elevators a ‘lift’ or using the word ‘cunt’ all the time,” said Choudhury. “These people are often the dumbest people in your friend group. They are the people who haven’t read a book since they were forced to for summer reading in middle school, and this is the only way they can attempt to appear smart. Yes, it never works, and often it makes them look dumber. But try not to laugh at them. Just nod, and if they correct your pronunciation just say ‘thank you’ and move on. They need this.”
At press time, Kelly was seen yelling ‘“Go home!” at a group of day laborers outside of a nearby Home Depot.
Back to School Night and 10 Other Events I Shouldn’t’ve Pregamed but Kinda Glad I Did
By John Adkins
Should we really let “society” determine when it is and is not appropriate to get a nice buzz on? The answer is categorically yes, if there were no guardrails on my consumption I would have been dead years ago, but I do bend the rules from time to time, and aside from when I didn’t have a license for 6 months, Daddy likey the results! Here’s a list of my top ten… let’s not say problematic… UNCONVENTIONAL alcoholic exploits that I have gotta say really worked out for me.
“My End-of-Year” Reviews at Work
SO WHAT if I channeled my inner Don Draper by slurpin’ some scotch before my performance reviews? I’m a classy fella! And goddammit, I think I performed WONDERFULLY this year. But yes I was fired. Which, funnily enough, was not on the table until my performance review…
“That Marathon I Got Peer Pressured Into Running”
Hey, I know my limits, and I CANNOT run a marathon. So like any responsible adult, I knocked back a couple of cold ones, sprinted the first mile (I felt invincible), puked, passed out, drank some gatorade. rallied, and made it to the bar by 2 pm. Did not come close to finishing the race.
“Therapy”
Look, therapy is all about opening up and being vulnerable. Coincidentally, that’s what alcohol does. But according to respectable society, “never the two shall meet…” until now, motherfuckers.
“My Court Date”
Ok, so I’m not legally allowed to discuss what I did, but all I’ll say is that I had the liquid courage to deliver the defense of the CENTURY. And yes, I did represent myself. Still waiting for the jury to deliver their… oh what? I’m super guilty? Well that makes sense…
“Open Climb” at My Friend’s Gym”
We all have that one friend who moved to a city without any hobbies and naturally fell into rock climbing. And it’s only a matter of time before that friend invites you to an “open climb” where you can watch them pretend to be a badass for 45 minutes. My advice to you? Rip a 40 on the train there.
“Pottery Class”
Naturally, wheel-throwing with midwestern moms and a homeschooler named Phoenix trying to fulfill his art credit calls for a vino vibe. So let’s get that Josh flowin’ ladies! Plus, Phoenix needs some driving hours for his learner’s permit, so he can be our D.D.!
“My TED Talk on Bees”
They say to trust your training, and my training involved hitting a dive bar on the way to my own Ted talk. So yeah. It might be the least coherent ted talk ever, but it’s also the MOST viewed. And THAT’S good television. What’s up? It’s not on TV? dammit. Sorry bees.
“Chaperoning My Kid’s Field Trip to the Zoo”
There are indisputable truths in life, and one of them is that uncrustables taste wayyyy better after you’ve ripped a 40 right before snacktime on a fourth-grade field trip to the zoo. Sure, I might’ve screamed at the Giraffes for giving me body issues (they’re so tall and skinny) but at least the booze buzz made my son’s friend KYLE wayyyy more tolerable. Cuz lemme tell ya, that kid sucks. like a LOT.
“That Flashmob that Also Doubled As My Brother’s Proposal”
Before you accuse me “not studying the choreography at all,” and “hip-checking that old lady down a flight of concrete stairs,” I just wanna say that my moves ROCKED. I mean, have you ever seen someone down an entire margarita tower and then completely ruin a proposal? Seriously, have you? My brother’s not speaking to me and I’m embarrassed… I need help…
“My Friend Jerry’s Improv 101 Graduation”
Sure, everyone gets a lil’ tipsy at comedy shows. But only real pros know that clubs DON’T sell booze at 9:30 in the fucking morning, which, as you might’ve guessed, is when they host IMPROV 101 GRADUATION. So naturally, I had to take matters into my own hands and toast my friend Jerry with a bottle of warm champagne that I chugged by myself in the uber to the venue. And lemme tell ya, Jerry was SO funny. I think. Actually, I don’t really remember the show.
How I Used a Halloween Party to Finally Trick My Boyfriend Into Role Playing as The Ghoul From Fallout
BY I’m into The Ghoul from Fallout, and I’m not ashamed. I was into most ghouls when I first played the games and I’m even more into the one that being portrayed by Walton Goggins, one of the world’s foremost Kinda Weird Guys that always catch the eyes of the girls and the gays. The man is great at his job, he doesn’t complain, he has a dog, and he takes care of his health religiously. What’s not to love?
My boyfriend doesn’t quite understand this attraction, however. I have tried to channel my Ghoul lust in a healthy way by trying to get some Ghoul and Vault Dweller roleplay going with my beloved. But he always responds immediately with the negatives, like, “Isn’t he riddled with radiation?” and, “Didn’t he try to have the Vault Dweller’s organs harvested for drugs?” and, “He doesn’t even have a nose. What if he doesn’t have other things?”
He was really trying to dim my sparkle, and I felt dejected. That is, until I got an idea. I started seeing posters for Halloween costume parties on Insta. It was settled. I was going to throw a Halloween party with a dress code. But not just any dress code: a dress code so specific it would leave my boyfriend no choice but to pick The Ghoul.
I watched him as he read over the invitation. “So it has to be a character from a show I’ve watched that’s based on a video game I’ve played? Oh, hell yeah! I’ll go as Joel from The Last of Us!” But I had planned for this. I pointed to the directions under that line. “’But if you cried at any point during the show, you cannot go as that character.’ That seems oddly specific and also kind of toxic…” I told him I’d found the rules online and that everyone said it ended up being super fun. “Well, I guess I could go as The Ghoul.”
I had him. Now I just had to seal the deal.
Knowing my boyfriend is incapable of passing up a bet, I waited until he and his buddies were talking and I told him some guy across the room bet he couldn’t possibly lasso anyone. His buddies egged him on. He took out his lasso and lassoed me straight into the bedroom.
Follow me for more Ghoul themed manipulation tactics.
Scene Kid Who Was Conceived At First Warped Tour Cannot Afford To Attend 2025 Revival
By Amy Currul
ORLANDO, FLa. — Young fans of the legendary Warped Tour are frustrated to find that tickets for the 2025 revival tour are so expensive they will not be able to attend despite having been conceived at the original festival, Gen Z sources confirmed.
“It’s crazy, dude. We’re the first generation to be worse off than our parents. We can’t afford housing, health insurance, even food, and now we can’t afford to get heat stroke in a parking lot while watching a regionally popular ska band,” said Zoey Castille. “My parents nearly missed blink-182’s set because they were busy in their friend’s Toyota Corolla creating life, and I’ll be forced to catch snippets of the event on Reels posted by some 45-year-old stock broker. Corporate greed must end!”
Warped Tour board members cited multiple factors for pricing out their younger fan base, including inflation and not wanting to ruin the vibes.
“This new generation of concert-goers, they don’t understand the etiquette expected of them at a big public arena —they’re throwing Stanley cups at the band’s faces, screaming at the singer to ‘spit in my mouth,’ and they keep mentioning these skibidi toilets. We don’t know what those are, but we will have Port-O-Johns on site,” said Warped Tour High Council member Tabitha Rourke. “It’s a bad look and honestly, we thought it would just be easier to make the tour cost-prohibitive than it would be to teach them how to act around Millennials.”
Members of local band Mercury Retrograde pointed out that the musical acts are facing similar economic hardships.
“I can’t imagine how fans have the money for these tickets. It’s a struggle for us to be able to pay for everything we need to play the tour, travel and food and all that,” said drummer Carson Carr. “Never mind the fact that being a musician pays less than ever before. Most of the Warped Tour lineup either performed on the original and have been famous for 30 years, or have generational wealth. The only reason we can afford to be doing music full time is because my dad was the bassist for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.”
At press time, Castille was crossing her fingers and anxiously hoping her first Klarna payment went through, though questions about rent next month went unanswered.
All Warped Tour Revival Stages to be Moved 100 Feet from Audience to Comply with Sex Offender Laws
By Eric Navarro
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The stages at the upcoming Warped Tour revival will reportedly be placed 100 feet away from the all-ages audience in order to comply with national sex offender laws, according to festival organizers.
“This measure is unfortunate, but we see no other solution,” said Jeremiah Reeves, head of public relations for Warped Tour. “Would we prefer to run a tour that doesn’t have at least one sex offender on every stage? Of course! But this is the music business, after all, and it has a rich legacy of creeps. This is basically why we had to stop doing the tour in the first place. But the safety of our attendees is the number one priority and that’s why we will keep everyone as far away from band dudes as possible.”
Organizers reportedly brainstormed for hours in order to come up with a solution that delivered the best musical experience for the consumer, while keeping underage patrons safe from potentially dangerous musicians.
“Initially, the idea was to have an all-sex offender stage,” Reeves continued. “But that basically comprised 75 percent of bands in general, so it was a scheduling nightmare. An intern suggested we hold an ethics seminar for our musicians on how not to abuse their power as rock stars. But none of the bands showed up because it was scheduled at the same time as our post-show wet T-shirt contest behind the Hot Topic tent.”
Longtime Warped Tour stagehand Erik “Dirt” Welch expressed disgust at this generation of band members taking advantage of young fans.
“Seriously, why can’t these scumbags control themselves?” Welch said while loading dozens of fake amp shells into a storage unit for the fest. “I’m a 48-year-old man who’s spent most of his adult life working music fests, and I can concretely say that an 18-year-old girl is just as hot as a 17-year-old girl. These bands today have no morals.”
B-Sides Album Gives Fans Chance to Listen to Favorite Songs Recorded a Little Slower and Worse
By MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Pioneering emo band Within Without announced the release of a new B-sides and rarities album which will let fans hear their favorite songs recorded poorly, and played at a weird tempo nobody enjoys, sources confirmed.
“We are so excited to share these songs with everybody. We unearthed some real gems, like the basement recording sessions from our earliest practices, which were completely remastered. So now instead of everyone sounding like they are underwater, it sounds like we are playing in a windy cave,” said Within Without guitarist and main vocalist James Trayner. “There are also some demo versions of fan-favorite songs that show how our songs evolve. These early versions are so bad you wouldn’t even realize they are the same songs people sing every word to at our shows. And the best part is this is a four-LP collection with over 60 songs.”
Longtime fan Patricia Driscoll says she already pre-ordered the album.
“My favorite part of any B-side album is when they include songs they played live on a radio station nobody ever heard of. There is a certain sadness to those songs you just can’t capture anywhere else,” said Driscoll. “Then there are all the acoustic versions that nobody asked for. I can’t get enough of those. But my favorite part of any B-sides album is there is always one legitimately good song, followed by at least three dozen unlistenable tracks. I just love how it flows like a gorgeous stream and slowly turns into a mud puddle.”
Indie record executive Lenny Salamar says these compilation albums are often big revenue generators.
“When you run a label your main goal is to drain as much value from an artist as humanly possible. I look at bands like a ripe orange. I slowly juice them for all they are worth, and when it seems like they are squeezed dry I just rip it apart and sell the public the undigestable pulp,” said Salamar. “I need to hand it to all the people in marketing out there that are able to create buzz around albums of literal trash. It’s incredible. There were reasons people didn’t want you to hear these songs, now we sell the collection at a premium. I love capitalism.
At press time, Within Without announced a “deluxe” edition with a live recording of a show they played in 2005 where you can clearly hear the sound guy arguing on the phone with his mother.he phone with his mother.
8 Great Fall Activities for Couples and the Ancient Crone Who Follows Them To Portend Doom
By Nathan Kamal
Is there a more romantic season than fall, aside from spring, summer, and winter? When the leaves start changing colors and evenings get snuggly, it’s more important than ever to prioritize “couple time” with some creative dates!
And, if you’re one of those couples who is constantly followed by a terrifyingly wizened and gaunt crone who portends doom at every step, you especially need some good ideas to keep your spark alive.
For example:
1. Apple Picking
This super-cute autumn activity is a classic for a reason! There’s nothing like being out in brisk weather with a loved one, strolling through a gorgeous orchard while sipping warm homemade cider, and ignoring the keening wails of the crone, who haunts your every waking hour with her endless predictions of despair. Plus, at the end of the day, you’ve got a basket of apples, perfect for pies and cobblers.
2. Carve Every Gourd You See
A lot of couples feel satisfied to carve a pumpkin at Halloween and call it good, but you know they’ve never actually made each other cum. Try expanding your horizons a little and carve fall gourds of all kinds! Bottle gourds! Daisy gourds! The intimidating yet subtly erotic penguin gourd! Even if the crone still dogs your steps and whips acorns at your feet while chanting in the Old Tongue, she can’t stop gourd time.
3. Corn Maze Date
With any luck, you might be able to lose the crone for a few precious moments in a corn maze. Quick, around the corner! We can hear her coming! God, for just a few seconds of silence in this labyrinth of corn!
4. Visit the Grove Where Shadows Are Born and Hopes Die
“The Grove Where Shadows Are Born and Hopes Die” is the perfect spot for couples and their crone,” says life coach Dr. Dakota Borg. “While it might not be a traditional date spot, its dark recesses are perfect for private moments, and it never hurts to let a hope or two die in a relationship! Plus, the crone can run and play with other crones there, which is great exercise and can even help you meet new couple friends.”
5. Mini-Oktoberfest
Oktoberfest might only last for a few days in September, but that doesn’t mean you and your main squeeze can’t make your own Germanic fun. Surprise your lover with a fun array of beers and suggestive sausages, and don’t be afraid to sport some lederhosen! Remember, crones will only drink roggenbier, and if you try substituting a zwickelbier, she will shriek loud enough to curdle the wombs of your village’s cows.
6. Haunted House
Why not? It’s not like you don’t already have worse following your every footstep and reminding you that all love eventually dies and that the Bursar of Upper Franconia has cuckolded you.
7. Crone Day
Crone Day only comes once a year, and while you might not always get along with your crone and her predictions that all will fall apart and you will eat only cheese of despair, it’s her day. Pack your partner and your crone in the car, head to the state fairgrounds, and spend a fun autumn day treating your crone to sawdust and broken mirrors!
8. Pie-Making
We’ll be frank: pies make people horny and no crone wailing about Ragnarok can stop that.
Boomer Makes Sure to Have Most Annoying Ringtone Selected at Highest Volume Before Leaving House
By BOISE, Ida. — Roland Gelford, a member of the baby boomer generation, made sure to have his awful ringtone set to maximum volume on his phone before going out to run a few errands, sources who can’t hear themselves even think anymore report.
“I was headed out the door and for a second thought I had forgotten something. I checked to make sure I had my keys and my wallet then it hit me… I had forgotten to make sure I had the most awful-sounding ringtone selected with the sound all the way up. It was a close call!” said Gelford over the quacking duck sound on his phone. “Good thing I checked, can you imagine how embarrassing that would’ve been to be in public and have a normal ringtone set at a reasonable volume?”
Gelford’s wife reports that Roland forgetting to set his ringtone with the most cringe-inducing sound possible has become an issue and that she will leave him notes to remind him.
“I’ve been leaving sticky notes on the door to remind him as he is leaving the house. I’ll usually write something like ‘Don’t forget to turn the volume up on your phone so that everyone around you has their ears bleed’ or ‘Try the dog barking one or the one that sounds like an old-time car horn for a change,’” said Laura Gelford. “I know how important it is for him when he is out of the house to have the most annoying sound ever on his phone so that he can pretend he doesn’t hear it and just let it ring non-stop.”
Apple marketing manager Trent Collumb says the tech giant is working on a system to alert users to check that they will be appropriately annoying in public.
“We’re looking at an update that would detect when someone is about to leave their house and send them a push notification to ensure they have the most irritating ringtone on before exiting their house,” said Collumb. “We’re also working on a new set of ringtones for those who want to further aggravate anyone around them. These new ringtones include the sound of a dentist’s drill, fingernails running along guitar strings, and a child actor singing a Broadway musical.”
At press time, Mr. Gelford was spotted at a local movie theater where he seemed to be completely oblivious to the loud “boing” sound repeatedly coming from his phone.
How I Get Meals Comped at TGI Friday’s by Sitting Under Loose Wall Decor
By In these hard times sometimes putting food on the table means taking a second job or donating bodily fluids but I’ve learned that treating yourself to a dinner out on the town can be as easy as threatening your local eatery with a personal injury lawsuit! Follow these easy tips to get your meal on the house!
First of all, seat selection is key. An autographed picture of Richard Simmons may get the attention of the waitstaff but if you want a full comp of your meal from Table-tizer to Choco-Nater you’re going to need to head straight for a toboggan, street light or bear trap. Give the wall a good tap and see if anything jiggles. Chances are something will be looser than Boris Yeltsin at an orchestra. If not, claim it’s drafty and ask to be re-seated.
Once you find a suitable seat, go ahead and order yourself a Diddy on the Beach because that’s the real name of a drink on the menu and you’ll be grateful for the anesthetic properties of vodka when a trout that spits tag lines from Duck Dynasty comes crashing down on your noggin. When your server heads off to put in your order, subtly use your butter knife to further loosen the snowshoe, kayak or stop sign you have chosen as your meal ticket.
If all the wall decor at your local TGI Friday’s is properly secured you may need to BYO decor but tread carefully. Legend has it that the manager at this TGI Friday’s (all of them, actually) is a serial killer and each piece of wall art is a memento from one of his kills. To avoid arousing suspicion, stay on theme by finding everyday items that could be used to bludgeon and maim the innocent or transport and hide a body.
When your meal is coming to a close, give the wall a hard kick under your booth and brace for impact! Now it’s time to put your acting skills to use. Head and neck injuries are preferable as they can often be invisible yet serious. If following the BYOD method you can simply unearth the ice pick you brought with you and bang it on the table while holding your neck. If all goes according to plan your server will be too stunned to ask questions and will go ahead and comp your meal.
Good luck! And remember; In here, it’s always Friday!
More From The Hard Times:
40 Horror Movies Where Kids Die Ranked by How Much Your Breeder Friends Will Resent Your Smug Childless-Adult Detachment
Local VFW Rejects Application From “GamerGate Veteran”
BY PONTOON BEACH, Ill – A local VFW has rejected the application from a prospective member who self describes as a “GamerGate Veteran”.
Jacob Bradford, who goes by the handle “FemiNaziHater1488” on X – The Everything App, shared an image of the rejection letter on the thriving social media platform in a post attacking the organization.
“Trump was right! Under Biden the military and now our veterans have gone woke, unfortunately,” Bradford said in his post. “I told them the battles I fought against the Woke Mob was a threat greater than anything they might have faced in Iraq or Afghanistan, and they told me they only let ‘real veterans’ into their little club. These guys don’t understand, just because their lives were actually in danger and some of them have horrific injuries they will never fully recover from, not to mention the years and years of therapy they need to grapple with their PTSD, doesn’t mean the war I’ve been waging online the last ten years is any less real. Next time they play a video game and the female character’s nipples are fully visible they better send me a card thanking me for my service.”
Tommy Graskins, a retired Army Sgt. who served in the Iraq War and active member of the local VFW, responded to the accusations.
“This dipshit has been harassing us for months,” Graskins said. “It seems like at least once a week he wanders up here to brag about being a veteran of something called ‘GamerGate’, and starts ranting about the games media, censorship, and the woke mob. Earlier this year he tried to get me to sign a petition for something called ‘Free Stellar Blade’. I finally read up on GamerGate, and it just sounds like a bunch of losers who have never been laid before because they’re too busy jerking each other off in online forums to meet someone who might be willing to touch them.”
Bradford’s mother Sheila, with whom he still lives, says this behavior is not out of the ordinary for her son.
“He seems to think women he has never met or interacted with are responsible for all his problems,” Mrs. Bradford said. “I’ve tried to tell him if he wants to meet a nice girl all he has to do is leave the basement once in a while, but he refuses. Instead every night while I’m watching Blue Bloods reruns I have to listen to him yelling into a microphone to his friends about how ‘based’ Elon Musk’s latest posts are. I’m exhausted.”
At press time, Bradford had formed a one man picket line in front the VFW holding a poster with “Vets Are Part of The Woke Mob” scrawled in barely legible handwriting.
Disney Announces They’re Done Ruining Your Childhood, Moving on to Adolescence
BY bee
SAN DIEGO — Bob Iger, chief executive officer of The Walt Disney Company, spoke about the global media corporation’s future content strategy during a recent shareholder meeting and confirmed that they are done ruining childhoods with live action remakes. The company will now begin ruining people’s adolescence.
“The era of remaking our iconic 1990s movies is over. We are done ruining childhoods, it’s time to move on to ruining the next phase of everyone’s lives, their adolescence. The 2000s was a decade of experimentation and exploration with an abundance of theatrical releases and Disney Channel Original Movies yearning to be trashed. We’re currently filming a live-action remake of Atlantis starring Ashton Kutcher as Milo, and casting has begun for High School Musical 4: Active Shooter Drill.”
The Disney executive also addressed controversies surrounding recent underperforming Disney productions.
“We walk a tightrope when pandering to modern audiences, it’s difficult to create inauthentic minority representation that pisses off progressives but is still colorful enough to get boycotted by conservatives, too. There’s an art to pulling something nobody wants from the ashes of something everyone loved.” he said proudly before revealing plans for a new Pixar film, Finding Nemo in a Transgender Clinic.
Iger addressed questions from shareholders regarding the company’s numerous acquisitions.
“We’ve already wrung every drop of interest out of Star Wars nerds, now we’ll use what we learned to ruin Marvel, Pixar, and apparently we own the Muppets so we’ll ruin them too. Luckily, Fox has already destroyed several of its longstanding properties. There’s nothing we could do to The Simpsons’ reputation which The Simpsons hasn’t already done.”
Responding to the collective sigh of relief in the room, he continued.
“However, other Fox series have a lot of work left to undo. We retconned all sixteen seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for a new Disney+ family-friendly sitcom about the married suburbanite life of Charlie and The Waitress, played by Jeremy Renner and Raven-Symoné. We immediately greenlit the series after a test screener called the pilot ‘the most tragic thing he’d seen on television since 9/11’ — precisely the era we’re looking to bring down.”
At press time, Disney posted a teaser to Facebook for Indiana Jones and the First Crusade, an origin story starring deepfakes of Sean Connery and Harrison Ford.
