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Hard Digest October 26: Early Access Project 25, Black Metal, Couples Costumes, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-27 01:30:01 +0000 UTCProject 2025 Council Vows to Capture Captain Planet and the Planeteers and Destroy Them Once and For All
By WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth with little obstruction, cigar-smoking sources confirmed.
“There are only two things standing in our way right now. One of them is Kamala Harris and we are convinced we can get her to play ball if she’s elected, the other is that pesky Captain Planet and his love for all living things. His appreciation of nature’s majesty makes me physically ill and I can’t wait to capture him and burn him alive inside a stack of old tires,” said The Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts while dumping large pieces of styrofoam into a river. “I’m close friends with Hoggish Greedly and the way Captain Planet treats him is shameful. Hoggish is a titan of industry who creates jobs. Captain Planet and the Planeteers are just a bunch of radical liberals who hate the American way of life.”
Linka, the Planeteer who has the power of wind, says she is well aware that they are being targeted ahead of the 2024 election.
“All of us Planeteers were doxxed last year and ever since then we have these mouth-breathing goons outside our apartments fucking with our recycling bins and e-bikes,” said Linka. “Some of them are pretty aggressive. But thankfully they are all so out of shape they can never actually catch me. I just do a light jog down the block and then they get winded and scream some nonsense about personal liberties. I’ve been a Planeteer for over 30 years, I thought things would be better by now.”
Captain Planet himself issued a stern statement to The Heritage Foundation after being summoned by the Planeteers.
“All I want to do is spread a message of love and have all of humanity live in harmony within the beauty of nature, but these Project 2025 queefs are getting on my last nerve,” said the green-haired superhero. “You fuck with the Earth you fuck with me. Gaia has instructed me to start laying waste to anyone who continues to pollute our planet. The funny thing is I’m mother-fucking invincible, I can survive in fucking space. These people can’t destroy me. But I can cave their fucking faces in with one punch, and I might just have to start exploding some heads.”
At press time, The Heritage Foundation was thrilled to announce they received a sizable donation from billionaire Bruce Wayne.
Feel Old Yet? The Demon Goat Guy on the Cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” Just Had His 4,078th Birthday
By Chris Bowen
Who’s got two horns, helped to spearhead the first wave (and only true wave, for my money) of black metal and just hit the big 4,078-years-young milestone? No, it’s not the cloven-hoofed lad from Slayer’s “Show No Mercy,” but rather none other than the iconic demon goat from the cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” record!
And you can rest assured that it was one hell of a time.
All the “who’s who” of the metal world showed up for Mr. Demon Goat’s (D.G. for short) big b-day bash. Tom Warrior of Celtic Frost was there, and brought his world famous vegan pentagram-sugar cookies. Royalty also made an appearance, as King Diamond arrived bearing his (in)famous party favors of strawberry upside-down cross cake! And no party is complete without Fenriz bringing his homemade basement brew.
Even legends who are no longer among the living made it out for the momentous occasion.
“D.G. and Motörhead go way back,” said party guest Lemmy Kilmister. “As a matter of fact, D.G. and I did PCP for the first time together back in the seventies before he got the big Venom gig. I watched the sonofabitch flip 8 cop cars before burrowing back into the depths of Hell. We have been buds ever since.”
Amongst the debauchery and craziness however, there was a question on practically everybody’s mind: “Where are the Venom guys?”
“I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want any members from any iteration of Venom at my birthday party,” D.G. sternly explained. “If they can’t get along, and want to start 9 different versions of Venom, be my guest, but I refuse to take part in their silly, childish games. I’m sure Cronos will have something smart to say about that, and stoop to some level of picking on me about my age or something but let him. Because even at 4,078 years old, I still have a better hairline than he does.”
Ouch D.G., ouch!
So here’s to another 4,078 years to one of metal’s most iconic silver-faced demons! Maybe someday he’ll have a change of heart and reunite with the ones who put his name on the map, but until then, I think the song title “Leave Me in Hell” pretty much sums up his happy-go-lucky approach to life.
Goth Show Offers Discounted Admission For Attendees Who Bring a Glassy-Eyed Victorian Doll To Donate To Creepy Charity
By James Knapp
HARTFORD, Conn. — Attendees at a recent performance by goth band Choking Ghost were admitted at a discount provided they brought a donation in the form of a “doubtlessly haunted” doll, spooky sources confirmed.
“In the infinite darkness that consumes all of our lives, it’s still important to give back,” explained the show’s promoter Helen “Mockingbird” Stuhlwitz. “That’s why we decided to use live music to help provide glassy-eyed Victorian dolls to those in need. Most people don’t realize just how badly they need a terrifying doll in their life until they finally receive one, and then awaken in the middle of the night to find it hovering above them in their bed. That sort of experience really does change one’s life.”
Showgoer Donovan Glazier, though supportive, expressed confusion as to the benefit of this particular charity.
“Though I appreciate not having to pay full price for the show tonight, I don’t see how these creepy fucking things actually help anyone,” said Glazier while depositing his contribution into a charred wooden crate next to the venue’s entrance. “I found that doll at an antique shop a few blocks from here. The goddamn thing wouldn’t stop humming the whole walk here and I swear I saw the eyes start glowing silver at one point. If that helps someone less fortunate, fine, but I’m just glad to be rid of it.”
A terrifying haunted doll known by the moniker “Isabella the Pox” described its feelings about being a charitable donation, which it could only articulate in the form of an eerie children’s nursery rhyme.
“In the darkness we will dream,
silent as we constantly scream.
Hollow eyes are always watching,
We will eat your niece’s hamster.
“A thousand years of blood upon you,
then we will return to sleep.
Nothing left of earth or heaven.
Our collective father was a swamp monster.”
At press time, members of Choking Ghost were thrilled that there appeared to be much more blood seeping through the green room walls than at any other venue they had played before.
Five Couples Costumes for Halloween That Also Kinda Work If You Break Up
By Yikes! Is your relationship on the rocks — or fully over — right when you were supposed to be dressing up for Halloween to show the world just how adorably clever and in love you are?
Don’t panic. Never let a silly little breakup stand in the way of doing that couples costume. Whether you’re going to hit the parties alone or with your now-ex, we have some ideas that … kinda work. Or might just make it all even more weird and sad. Either way, your whole Instagram following can’t wait to see!
Salt and Pepper Shakers
Breakup pivot: If you’re pepper, you suddenly passionate about the cardiovascular benefits of a strict low-sodium diet. Or you’re a solo salt shaker, but your delicate digestive system can no longer handle the spice of pepper. Either way, you don’t sound fun at all. And everyone is probably going to be asking all night where the other shaker is and then you’ll break down sobbing and start desperately stuffing your face with Three Musketeers bars, but technically this costume still works and that’s all that matters.
Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love
Sweet, one half of the couple you were going to dress as is very famously dead? Doesn’t get more convenient and dark than that! You can even both still go to the party. Drink up that mystery witch’s brew punch and let the rumors fly, baby. Just remember no one wants to see the two of you arguing in public again about who gets to keep the dog now.
King and Queen of Hearts
Hey man, sorry you were … dealt a bad hand there with that breakup. Your new look is a forgotten stray playing card peeled off the carpet at a dingy casino. Roll around in a stale mix of dust, cigarette ash, and spilled sticky cocktails. Add a few deep creases by stumbling into a wall or two, and you’re ready to go, you lonely little cardboard king or queen.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Look, if this was already going be your couple costume, you probably should’ve seen the end of your relationship coming for a while. Your friends definitely all did. They all just didn’t want to say it, and it was kind of fun seeing how long you’d last this time. But now you’re both going to kill it with that messy emotional realism! Grab that Dunkin’ coffee and put on your sunglasses. Bonus: If you get back together yet again at the last minute, you’re also all set.
Plug and Socket
We’re just going to be honest: This one is already stupid and overplayed either way. But now that you’re wandering around the party solo holding a floppy little plug with no socket to be found, it’ll look even more pathetic. Your only hope here is to pretend to be electrocuted. Maybe even dead. Happy Halloween!
Man Swears “Mandela Effect” Used to Have Two L’s
BY Mark Shady
In what he could only describe as a possible fake memory, an imagined recollection, or even perhaps a “strange confluence of various timelines on his own perception,” it was reported that local man Byron Hays could swear on anything that the term “Mandela Effect” had, at one point, two L’s.
“I first came across the phrase about ten years ago while surfing the net,” said Hay, 38. “I distinctly remember it being spelled differently. Specifically, with the double L at the end. There’s a chance I’m misremembering, but I think that it’s much more likely that I have been transported to an alternate universe where the only change is that ‘Mandela’ is spelled with one L rather than two.”
Hays reached out to friends and family in an attempt to reconcile his memory with objective reality.
“At first I told him to Google it, but he said he had been trying that all afternoon,” said Mark Callahan, 37, a lifelong friend of Hay. “When I said they both looked right to me, he got quiet for a second. Then he started going on about ‘twin consciousnesses’ or some nonsense like that. Before I ended the FaceTime, he started yelling that we needed to find a way back home. I hope he’s okay.”
Fiona Broom, an expert on memory who coined the term “Mandela Effect,” commented on Hay’s predicament.
“This type of revelation is common, and is entirely fantastical,” said Broom, who is a neuropsychology professor at Brown University. “Apart from my own recollection as the phrase’s creator, there is plenty of well-archived evidence that it has always been spelled with two L’s. Wait, that’s not right. Is it? Because that’s the way he thinks it is, and we were saying—shit. I don’t know anymore. Maybe the Monopoly guy actually did wear a monocle.”
At press time, Hay was shocked to discover that his name did not end with an S, though he was certain it had only moments earlier.
