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Hard Digest October 15: Walgreens, Early Access The Weakerthans, Jam Sessions, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-16 00:00:07 +0000 UTCWalgreens Announces Mass Store Closings After Locking Buildings Behind Glass Cases
By Ben Friedman
DEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their stores behind plastic cases, company executives have confirmed.
“Walgreens prides itself on being the go-to pharmacy for communities across the country. Unfortunately, we compromised on that mission when we started locking up the shampoo and just kinda snowballed into encasing entire storefronts with 4 inch bulletproof glass that can only be unlocked by an employee that is nowhere to be found. It was only meant to deter shoplifters but unfortunately it has deterred literally everyone,” said executive Charles Pakowski. “It was only meant as a means of inventory control, but instead half of stores are running out of oxygen and it’s made deliveries next to impossible, so at this rate it’s more economically viable to sunset our brick and mortar and plastic operations.”
Customers felt betrayed by the company’s decision to shutter stores rather than relax their display configuration.
“This is ridiculous! They make us wait in an hour-long line for someone to let us in one at a time and then inside every square inch of the store is locked up, even the pharmacists. All I wanted was some damn aspirin and maybe an iced tea and it turned into a four-hour ordeal,” said Patricia Collins. “The last straw is that they even lock up the self-checkout machines like they’re afraid people are going to make off with the receipt paper. This is why I shop at Walmart now, they don’t give a shit whether anyone pays or not.”
Bankruptcy lawyers involved with Walgreens’ decision indicated that these decisions are the new normal.
“Retail companies have been caught in a tough spot with economically strained customers stealing basic necessities. Protecting their inventory with security casing seemed like a solution in the short term, but it’s led to immense resentment in that the stores do not trust the customers and it’s fucking impossible to find someone to open a case for pair of nail clippers,” said attorney Mitch Wallace. “Earlier today I helped True Value Hardware file for Chapter 11 because people were turned off by the private military company they hired to protect the socket wrenches. It’s only going to get worse.”
As of press time, Walgreens announced an additional 200 stores would be closing after fed-up customers began boosting the stores completely out of their foundations.
“Just Think About Baseball” Trick Not Working For Weakerthans Fan
By WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Local Weakerthans fan Graham Neal is reportedly unable to extend his performance in the bedroom by using the classic “just think about baseball” trick, confirmed anonymous totally non-girlfriend sources.
“I know for a fact I’m not the only guy in the world who is a quick finisher, there are entire messageboards dedicated to tips to help a person last longer. The problem is one of the most popular methods is a bust for me,” said Neal. “For example, one night I was watching ‘Moneyball’ with a group of college friends and I realized baseball is something that actually gets my motor running more than you might expect. As soon as they started talking about recreating players in the aggregate, I had to stand up and slowly leave the room. The only other time I’ve been nearly that excited was attending a John K. Samson poetry reading.”
Isabela Vega, Neal’s longtime girlfriend, was able to confirm this report.
“Oh yeah, the baseball thing is certainly not going to slow him down. If I’m being honest, though, this really comes up more for me than him. If anything, Graham can be a little overly sensitive in the heat of the moment, always asking how I’m doing, making sure I’m having a good time,” said Vega. “It’s sweet, but sometimes I just want to hit it and quit it so I can get back to watching some Housewives. So if I’m in the mood for a quickie, I just whisper a fantasy baseball stat in his ear and it’s a wrap! The National League WHIP leader always gets it done.”
Relationship counselor and local professor Elliot Cassidy who, coincidentally, was a longtime touring member of The Weakerthans has seen instances like these countless times.
“I’ve certainly encountered this with a few clients. If they ever give me that look like they kind of recognize me, I know this one is going to come up,” said Cassidy. “I’ve got my own trick, though. If I see that little glimmer of fandom and the ‘lasting longer’ topic comes up, I give them a new trick: imagine a radio hit with prosaic lyrics. Nothing turns off a Weakerthans fan like boring literal songwriting. A lack of metaphor is basically picturing your grandma naked to them.”
At press time, Vega realized fantasy baseball wasn’t working fast enough this time, so she brought out the big guns, which meant a curling reference.
Oh Fuck: This Person I’m Friendly With Asked “When?” After I Suggested That We Should Hang Out Sometime
By Bob Kerr
Every so often, you meet some horrible person who doesn’t fully understand what a social contract is. We all know someone that when you ask: “How are you doing?” you end up stuck in some long-winded sob story about their dying parent. Like, hello? Just say “fine” and move on!
Well, I really stepped in it this time.
I put up a post on Facebook about looking for a new dentist. Then this guy named Adam sends me a message and recommends his dentist.
Adam’s a guy I bump into occasionally at our mutual friend’s parties and once, we had a long conversation where he argued that Collective Soul’s “Hints, Allegations, And Things Left Unsaid” is an underrated album of the 90s.
Anyway, I message to thank him about the dentist recommendation and ask him what he’s been up to. He answers back with a “not much, you?” Great. We’re moving swimmingly into concluding a very non-committal conversation. I say: “Not much either. I gotta run, but we should hang sometime.”
Then this guy – this motherfucker – comes at me with: “When?”
What?! What is this? Who fucking does this? Is this guy French Stewart from 3rd Rock From The Sun or something? Some alien trying to figure out how people work?
Now I know how the victims in the Saw movies feel. At least those poor bastards had an out!
I consider killing Adam. Or myself. Murder-suicide?
Then he writes: “How about Saturday?”
Oh, fuck you, Adam. Fuck you, you complete turd of a human. It’s like my head’s in a vice and this sonofabitch adds another rotation.
No word of a lie, my ears are fucking ringing right now. Like a mortar shell just exploded beside me.
My hands are shaking wildly now as they land on the keyboard and start typing: “SsoUndds goo0d,” is what comes out.
He comes back at me with: “There’s a bar where you can spin your own vinyl! And guess who just bought a copy of Collective Soul’s first album??!”
I give him a thumbs up and burst into tears.
Local Jam Session Goes So Poorly Nobody Suggests Starting a Band
By Carson Kile
CHICAGO — A local jam session reportedly went so awry that for the first time in millennia, none of the participants suggested they should start a band, astounded witnesses say.
“Usually, musicians are jumping at any opportunity to start a shitty band,” remarked Bobbi Irwin, who butchered his role as drummer during the doomed jam. “But I’ve never been so out of sync with a group of people in my life. After that horrible display, we all agreed to die with the secret of what transpired in that sweaty garage, ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ style. Nobody made a single stank face of approval the entire time! Do you know how impressively bad that is? The best we got was an ‘eh, maybe?’ but that was immediately followed by a ‘no, absolutely not, never mind.’ Even the bassist understood the weight of the situation. The bassist!”
Local passersby who heard the cacophony coming from the garage felt the need to weigh in on the tragedy as well.
“Those guys had the same chemistry as a rock-climbing group chat with your ex-landlord,” said Nina Nixon, a pedestrian out walking her dog around the site of the incident. “Any time anyone had a modestly interesting idea to contribute, it was immediately met with confusion and miscommunication. There was a flutter of excitement at one point, the guitarist started playing this little riff, and the drummer lit up and started laying a beat on top of it. But that was until the guitarist revealed he was just playing ‘Smoke on the Water,’ and you could just feel the hope die right then and there.”
A researcher of musicology at the University of Chicago, Dr. Heath Hunt, remarked that this jam session was particularly interesting to academics because of how incredibly pathetic it was.
“I’ve never heard anything come even close to sucking this bad in my entire academic career,” said Dr. Hunt, rewinding the taped recordings of the jam and scribbling down notes. “After only 14 minutes, the participants had already put down their instruments, booted up ‘Mario Kart,’ and ordered a pizza. This is a statistical anomaly that will be studied for a long time. I’ve seen my fair share of shitty musicians that have somehow convinced themselves that they sound good enough to form a band, but miraculously, everyone involved in this jam session understood that it was best they never see each other ever again, for the greater good of the scene. Captivating!”
At press time, the musicians had all locked themselves away to avoid causing any more harm or even accidentally starting a band with each other.
Kickstarter Combines Roleplaying, Deck-Building, and Vitriolic Arguing
BY BALTIMORE — A new tabletop game on the crowdfunding site Kickstarter has nearly reached full funding due to the promise of a unique combination of popular play styles for an experience designed to destroy friendships.
“I was sick of the same mechanics that could be picked up after a few rounds with minimal confusion. So I took the concepts of alignment charts, engine building, and victory points and made them interconnected, incorporating player deception, and added mystery elements,” said Jordan Boatman, ‘Realm of Elven Spire’ creator. “We did extensive playtesting at conventions, with multiple screaming matches, overturned tables, and thrown Celsius cans. At Strategicon, a tester broke another player’s nose with a Gloomhaven box, I knew I was on to something.”
Beta testers were taken in by the complexity and the esoteric presentation.
“I’ve been playing TTRPGs for decades, I don’t need hand holding like these dilettantes who saw ‘Stranger Things’ and are just jumping in now,” said funder Harold Sommer as he dug through a plastic bin of unpainted miniatures. “I invest my time and read the guides and I do not hesitate to call out shenanigans. With Elven Spire, enforcing the rules is the game and lying is the point. I can’t wait to bring it to Hobby Game Night at the library and show those newbies what gaming really is, laughing when they try and calculate the victory points using the reverse credit system.”
“Realm of Elven Spire” received a dubious endorsement, as a pre-release edition sparked a rift between hosts of a gaming YouTube channel.
“We take complicated game mechanics and break them down, but we just couldn’t agree on the most basic elements of the game. Even beyond the character traits which both needed to be memorized and hidden from other players, the play style seemed to be both co-op and competitive. The card actions were unclear, both in direction and font and type color. Ryan [Lukas, co-host] insisted that these were deliberate complications for the distinguished gamer and I felt they were just the sloppy play design of a grifter” said Siobhan Hannigan, former co-host of ‘Manual Dexterity.’ “We tried to consult the manual, but it was written in character by Yohai, the Dishonest Elf, which only raised more questions. We both said things we can’t take back and we are on indefinite hiatus.”
When reached for comment, Boatman evaded questions about mods and expansions, preferring to announce his next project, a social deduction game where players have to memorize all the characters and their individual skills and lie to each other in every conversation in perpetuity.
Clinically Depressed Zelda Uses Bed for Every Puzzle
BY HYRULE — Sources close to Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, say that she appears to be clinically depressed, and has only been spawning in beds in response to every puzzle she comes across during her prolonged battle against the forces of darkness.
“We’re supposed to be working to repair the rifts that have appeared across the kingdom, but lately Zelda has been acting…different,” said Tri, a spirit assisting Zelda in fighting the rifts. “I really started being concerned when in every dungeon room she would spawn in a bed with a TV just to start rewatching Bojack Horseman again.”
Princess Zelda has reportedly been given the power to duplicate any object or monster she comes across in her journey, and is denying claims that she is using this godlike power exclusively to bedrot.
“I’m not depressed. I mean at most I’ve been a little more tired lately and my sleep quality is terrible and I have no appetite and there doesn’t seem to be a point to continuously fighting these monsters,” said Zelda, who slept for 13 hours yesterday. “Look, sometimes these puzzles call for me to echo five beds to make a California King. And sometimes I need to rest for three hours after doing that because it takes a lot out of me. And yeah, sometimes I’ll stay in bed scrolling on my phone after that for a few hours—oh god I might be depressed.”
Friends of Zelda were initially concerned about the princess’s behavior when they discovered that she hadn’t been eating as well, opting instead to create echoes of cereal for every meal.
“Impa tried to get me to talk to her, but it’s been hard getting through in our sessions,” said Dr. Bas, the Hyrule royal therapist. “Every appointment we’ve had has ended with Zelda possessing me and dragging me into a two block high body of water she spawned in. So progress has been slow.”
As of press time, Zelda’s mental health has reportedly improved drastically since drinking a smoothie consisting of a golden egg and a prescription 10mg Prozac pill.
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