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Hard Digest October 11: Early Access Murder By Death, Nostaglia, Frank Grimes, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-12 00:00:05 +0000 UTCMurder by Death Celebrates 1,000,000th Metal Fan Disappointed
By John Danek
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their brutal band name, according to a press release.
“We in Murder by Death always knew that by sticking together we could achieve the monumental landmark of bumming out one million metalheads who made assumptions about us based on our name,” said frontman Adam Turla, who is rumored to be converting the band’s practice space into a craft bourbon distillery. “We feel a surge of pride every time some grindcore teen puts on a song like ‘Shiola’ and sits there waiting for the chugging 7-string guitars and double kick to enter. Surprise, surprise–they never do. All you’re getting is acoustic guitar and spiritual anguish. So tonight, we’ll knock back some whiskey sours to celebrate. Tomorrow, we begin the climb to two million.”
The one-millionth metalhead to give Murder by Death a shot articulated his confusion over the band’s goals.
“I just don’t get it. Both nouns in their band name reference killing, yet there are no growls, or Boss HM-2s, or blast beats. You’ve got to be a bunch of sick fucks to bamboozle innocent music fans who just want to rock out to tales of depraved homicide,” declared Tanner Hancock, who was recently suspended from school for yelling “FUCKING SLAYER!” in a guidance counselor’s face. “This whole process has taught me a lot about making assumptions. Now I’ll continue to make assumptions and sue any time they are not met. I’m talking with lawyers who think we may have a strong class action lawsuit case on our hands.”
Music industry veterans emphasized the importance of setting expectations with your band’s name and imagery.
“Murder by Death came up in a time where artist names ceased to matter, so it made sense to change their name from the very suitable Little Joe Gould to their baffling current moniker,” said Janine Sanford, head of A&R for Capitol Records. “You had grind bands called stupid shit like The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza. And now we see rappers call themselves Lil Baby. So I have no advice for bands anymore. Words mean nothing. My job is irrelevant. I should have gone into nursing.”
As of press time, Hancock’s case has been thrown out, as he was reportedly overheard saying that songs off Murder by Death’s 2008 album Red of Tooth & Claw “actually go pretty hard.”
Real Life Frank Grimes? This Millennial Has Worked Hard His Entire Life and Has Literally Nothing To Show for It!
By There are few television shows among millennials that resonate as much as “The Simpsons,” and we all have somebody in our lives who spent their formative years watching syndicated reruns every weekday. However, while most millennials have been content with quoting classic episodes or doing the occasional Mr. Burns impression, one man has taken his presumed fandom to a whole new level by modeling his entire life after one of the show’s characters.
Pretty cool!
Meet 37-year-old Brian Symanski of Bedford, Indiana, who’s currently in a perpetual impression of one of Springfield’s most iconic one-off citizens, Frank Grimes. Brian took the advice of every adult in his life and pursued a career path he was passionate about, majoring in Communications at Purdue University with the mistaken understanding that the degree would help him in the job market. The result has been decades of toil with a yield of absolutely nothing, exactly like Frank Grimes!
Wow! If that’s not a dedicated fan, I don’t know what is!
After completing his degree, Brian decided he wanted to go to law school. However, despite stellar undergraduate grades and an impressive LSAT score, he realized he couldn’t afford to continue his education. As a result, Brian now works as an administrative assistant at a local distribution center. What’s more, the crippling student loan debt he incurred sixteen years ago (the interest of which his monthly payment doesn’t even cover) coupled with high costs of living, have recently forced Brian to take on a second job working nights in a nearby foundry. Now, who does that remind you of?
As if this likeness couldn’t be more uncanny, while at the day job for which he is grossly overqualified and insultingly underpaid, Brian regularly encounters far less competent coworkers who routinely rise above his rank due to both nepotism and the sheer oversight of his superiors. The ineptitude of one colleague in particular regularly causes more work for Brian, and his repeated attempts to call attention to this injustice are met with exasperated indifference from his boss. Looks like someone found his own personal Homer Simpson. Brian must be the envy of fans everywhere!
We suppose it’s only a matter of time before the crushing weight and hopelessness of the utter hellscape we all occupy gets the better of Brian and he snaps, in true Grimesean fashion. Let’s just hope he’s not near any high voltage equipment when it happens!
Man Completely Blindsided by Recurring Phone Bill
By Ben Friedman
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Dan McKellan was dealt a major personal finance blow after being completely blindsided by his recurring phone bill, sources close to the broke man confirmed.
“I just fucking gave Verizon money last month, and now they want more? And here I was thinking I can finally catch a break after paying off those bloodsuckers at the power company again. I’ve already paid my phone bill at least six or seven times before! They must have nothing else better to do than gouge me,” said McKellan. “If they’re hounding me for $100 now, what’s stopping them from sending me another bill next month? I don’t even make phone calls so if anything they should be paying me to use their shitty internet, especially since I’m just barely getting by. That’s corporate fascism for you.”
McKellen didn’t hold back his rage against Verizon’s customer service department.
“I was confused at first, because I thought he was either messing with me or just suffering from short-term memory loss. But he was indeed calling to complain about a bill he’s received every month for the past five years,” said customer service rep Nancy Paulson. “To his credit, we do send the next bill like a day after you pay the current one but that’s to keep customers on their toes, stressful as that may be. I did offer to take $5 off his payment if he switched to paperless billing and he threatened to burn my house down. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”
Financial planning experts noted that Americans need to adjust to living with an influx of bills.
“It used to be that one would only need to worry about utilities, phone, and cable bills. But with multi-tier internet and subscription services becoming the norm, I’ve estimated the average person receives a billing notification every 36 hours. And a constant barrage of bills and notifications of increasing fees is guaranteed to drive anyone insane, so we mentally block them out,” said Henry Quan. “The best way to mitigate bills is to share logins and passwords, use your work computer for personal use, and if anyone wants to talk with you, make them do it face to face.”
As of press time, McKellan was distressed to receive another unforeseen bill but was relieved to find it was just his overdue credit card statement and threw it in the trash.
Nostalgia Bait? My Dad is Dating a Girl I Went to High School With
By Dan Kozuh
Remember the good ol’ days of the early 2000s, when we were blissfully ignorant of social media and the internet was barely out of its infancy? Well, the universe has a cruel sense of humor. I always thought the most shocking post-divorce news about my father would be a new car or, at worst, a questionable tattoo. Instead, I was blindsided by the revelation that he’s dating Melissa Costa—a girl I went to high school with. Yes, that Melissa—the one who had a meltdown at prom because her date got drunk and threw up during “Hey Ya!” Why is everyone so obsessed with nostalgia?!
It’s wild how online culture feeds us nostalgia bait for clicks, but witnessing it in real life? That’s a whole new level of gross. My dad, who just bought a pair of JNCOs, is living out this trend like he’s a photo of the Hamburger Jail at McDonald’s. I’m not sure whether to laugh or hide under the couch. Nostalgia isn’t just a marketing ploy anymore; it’s infiltrating my family dynamics.
In an effort to relive his high school days he accidentally started reliving mine! He’s telling stories to Melissa about that time he drove the both of us to a Linkin Park concert or how he let us stay up late for a Buffy marathon. Watching him try to impress her with tales of flip phones and mixtapes is like witnessing a boomer shitposting Facebook group about streetlights and hose water.
Melissa, of course, is fully aware of what she’s doing—casually referencing “The O.C.” and showing off her “Toxic” choreography. It’s like she’s trying to recreate our teenage years, except now, instead of gossiping in the cafeteria, she’s sipping Chardonnay with my dad while watching TRL clips on YouTube. She even has him reminiscing about nights at Sit-Down Pizza Hut, drinking soda from red plastic cups like they’re starring in some warped ad for an era we should’ve left behind.
So here we are, stuck in a bizarre generational loop where my dad is dating my former classmate, desperately trying to resurrect the glory days of my youth. While I scroll through social media and roll my eyes at posts about Tamagotchis, wood paneling, Winamp, and yellow Wendy’s: nothing could prepare me for the day my dad turned into a walking, talking meme for the early-aughts.
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Chris Redfield and His Thick Boots Thwarted by Locked Door Marked with Shield Emblem
BY Nick Coffman
RACCOON CITY – In an embarrassing moment for all present, while exploring a mansion owned by the Umbrella Corporation Chris Redfield was unable to kick in a locked door despite his big thick boots and giant leg muscles.
The former Special Tactics and Rescue Service member reportedly hung his head in shame as he continued through the residence with the rest of his team.
“I used to punch boulders out of the way that were ten times my size,” Redfield shared in a hushed whisper to anyone who would listen. “It’s got to be the boots. I usually wear my Red Wing boots. This is what I get for trying out Thorogoods. I won’t make that mistake again.”
The crew, made up of Redfield’s longtime friends and partners in bringing down Umbrella, Jill Valentine, Leon S. Kennedy, and his sister Claire Redfield, were all but ready to move on, but the eldest Redfield continued to dwell on the locked door.
“A key with a shield emblem on it? Who are these hack architects still designing mansions for Umbrella,” Redfield pondered out loud in a desperate attempt to pass the buck on his failed door bashing. “I get a little queasy after ingesting some red herb. Give me an hour to flush it out of my system and I’m sure I’ll be able to kick that door in.”
Having enough of his excuses, Valentine cut in to help bring Redfield back down to Earth.
“I know it may not look like it, thanks to the anti-aging properties of herbs and first aid sprays over the years, but we’re getting old, Chris,” Valentine said, caressing his face. “We’ve all been doing this for a while now. You think I can lock pick every door I come across? You can’t beat yourself up for not being able to kick in one door. You just turned 51, give yourself a break, old man.”
At press time, Valentine had successfully circled back and unlocked the door with her trusty lock pick.
Report: RFK Jr Contracted by Tom Nook to Harvest Carcasses of Villagers Who Fell Behind on Rent
BY ANIMAL VILLAGE — RFK Jr has allegedly been collecting the dead bodies of islanders who fell behind on their rent in an arrangement with Tom Nook.
The former presidential candidate and avid carrion collector addressed the allegations in an unprompted video posted to his X – The Everything App account.
“About five years ago I took a Dodo Airlines flight to this island, and that’s where I met Tom Nook,” RFK Jr said. “He knew who I was, and that I’m an avid outdoorsman who has never met a rotting animal carcass I could say no to, and says he has a few fresh animal corpses I’m welcome to take with me, starting with this seagull who had kept washing up on shore and he was worried about attracting other vagrants to the beach. Anyway I snapped the gull’s neck cause he wasn’t quite dead, and that was the beginning of our partnership.”
Tom Nook, real estate developer and landlord, has denied the allegations.
“I’ve never met RFK Jr before in my life,” Nook claimed. “I value the lives of our tenants nearly as much as I do the property they occupy. Why would I want to see any of them dead? Any residents who have died that also happened to be behind on their rent is purely coincidental. If there’s some deranged lunatic harvesting the corpses of our deceased residents I expect them to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Teddy was a friend, and to see his lifeless body stuffed and posed in a threatening stance in RFK Jr’s study in that insane video is just heartbreaking. That’s not the Teddy I knew.”
K.K. Slider has announced a tribute album to raise funds for the families of the deceased titled “Always Pay the Rent on Time”, but has denied any wrongdoing by Tom Nook.
“Tom Nook is a compassionate businessman who is invested in supporting the community he bankrolls,” The fabled guitarist said. “After all, would a heartless killer provide live music every Saturday for the tenants of his village? I think not. Anyway, here’s Bubblegum K.K.”
At press time, RFK Jr was seen struggling to get a pair of glasses to stay affixed to the stuffed head of Raymond, the cat who was recently reported missing by residents of the island after falling behind on his last two rent payments.
Comments
Justin Kerins
Ol' Grimey!!
