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Hard Digest October 14: Early Access Elon Musk, Inheritance, Con Artist, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-15 00:00:05 +0000 UTCElon Musk Has Bright Vision of Future Where Humanity Thinks He’s Worst Person on Multiple Planets
By Tim Sheard
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confirmed sources who just assumed extraterrestrials despised him already.
“This is one of the main reasons I bought Twitter. I wanted to soft launch this vision digitally where I had a platform to test my dream,” said Musk before discovering that nearly three-quarters of his children blocked him on X and the rest didn’t even have an account. “Intergalactic notoriety has been a goal of mine since I was a little boy from the minute I stared directly into the sun for 35 consecutive seconds. First, SpaceX will establish a civilization on Mars where citizens will probably not understand my message of free speech, and that I only ban people on X because I just don’t like their vibe. Next, we’re coming for Saturn. I mean, not only is that ring badass as hell, but I’m sure it won’t cost that much to buy from NASA. After all, the universe is my oyster.”
Musk fans were thrilled to hear about his plan of cosmic infamy.
“As the proud owner of a Cybertruck picture that I took last week, I couldn’t be more excited for Elon’s planetary dominance,” said David Kelenic. “This man has literally done no wrong, if you don’t count the COVID misinformation, right-wing conspiracy theory amplification, antisemitism, and his atrocious appearance on Saturday Night Live. Can’t we just give the man a break? He’s just trying his best as a billionaire, who could easily solve world hunger but chooses to purchase dying social media platforms instead.”
According to experts, this type of behavior in powerful men isn’t exclusive to Musk.
“Businessmen with that amount of net worth are always 100% pieces of shit to begin with,” said pundit Grace Johannson. “But for some reason, Elon likes to have that be his thing and make it front and center for all that he does. Of course, others have attempted this feat as well. For instance, Jeff Bezos once tried interdimensional douchebaggery. Even Mark Zuckerburg wanted someone to figure out how to travel back in time so that he can be hated during the Renaissance too. Luckily, they’ve all failed. As of now.”
At press time, Musk expanded on this bright vision of the future by outlining his dream of becoming hated among the sea life in the depths of the Pacific Ocean.
Yes, I Used the Money From My Parents’ Death To Buy a House, but I’d Give It All Back for One More Chance To Scream at Them for Ruining My Life
By Dan Kozuh | October 15, 2024
In the quiet aftermath of loss, when the world seems to grind to a halt and grief hangs heavy in the air, there’s a stark, biting realization that often follows. For me, that realization came with the cash purchase of my new home—a place of my own, bought entirely with the money from the estate, savings accounts, and life insurance policies from my parents’ untimely demise. Sure, it’s a lavish escape from the daily grind, a token of their final gift to me, but I would trade it all just to be able to scream at them one final time about what terrible people they were.
The initial mourning period was just that – initial. Now, with the dust settled and the paperwork completed, I’m left with a 3,000 square feet of livable space and profound sense of regret—not for the financial windfall, but for the missed opportunity to let my parents have it one last time, like really let them know what I think of them. To scream at them, to let them know exactly how they scarred my life. To blame my dad for not letting me go to Allen Tucker’s house party when I was 15 and to remind my mom what a bitch she is, for no particular reason.
I’ll never again be able to throw a tantrum over the times they’d made me go to family gatherings when I clearly wanted to stay home. The endless critiques of my career choices, which they never hesitated to remind me were subpar compared to their lofty expectations. And who could forget the incessant nagging about my lifestyle, or their inability to remember my friends’ names, or their obsession with the men I dated? All of these were little wounds that festered over time, each one a reminder of how they fell short in their parental duties.
Every corner of my new mansion holds a haunting echo of what might have been. A grandiose living room where I could have flung my frustrations about the time they forgot my birthday. A spacious kitchen where I could have thrown a pot of spaghetti against the wall when my mother critiqued my cooking skills. I could have turned the home theater into a shrine of grievances, with a rotating photo collage of failed expectations and unmet promises.
I would gladly trade every square foot of this luxury and comfort it affords, for just one more opportunity to scream at them about the countless ways they let me down. The walls of this new home may be adorned with my success, but they are haunted by the echoes of pent up rage.
So here I sit, in my expansive new abode, surrounded by opulence that was once intended to comfort me. But the real comfort would have been to face them, to unleash a torrent of frustration, and to let them know how deeply they had ruined my life. I’d trade this entire house in a heartbeat for that one more chance—to yell at the ghosts of my past and demand they answer for not buying me AppleBottoms in 2006.
Con Artist Gives Up On Dream and Becomes Con Accountant
By Tim Sheard
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local man Vincent Metcalf quit his longtime dream of becoming a con artist to become a con accountant, confirmed sources who were sad to see someone with that much talent go to waste.
“Let’s be honest, in today’s economy, I have to be a bit more practical if I want to get by and the money you make from con artistry is just too unpredictable,” said Metcalf. “Plus, there aren’t any benefits. If someone was to beat the ever-living shit out of me after they caught me scamming them, I’d be in big trouble financially. I need something more stable. Con accounting seems to be just that. All I need to do is fudge a few numbers on an Excel file and cook a few books, and I’ll still get a similar thrill. On top of that I’ll get a 401(k) that I will funnel right into my side hustle of con woodworking where I will sell my stuff on Etsy and only use pics that aren’t representative of the amateur product.”
Peer con artist Jenn Pilster was disappointed to see her friend give up on his dreams.
“Vinny had a real knack for swindling unsuspecting rubes,” said Pilster before conning 20 bucks off of a nearby 85-year-old woman. “Sure, he was a struggling con artist, but we do this for the love of the craft, not the monetary compensation. Hell, even the most famous con artist Vincent ‘Scam’ Gogh didn’t get financially rewarded for his work until after he passed away. It’s rough out there con artisans. From time to time, I even think of selling out and becoming one of those MLM pyramid scheme people. At least that way, I’d have some dignity.”
Kevin Metcalf was proud to see his son be a bit more level-headed in his career.
“After he attended con artist school in the streets of Iowa, I always tried to drill into him that he needs a backup plan,” said the father of three. “We wanted him to be a con doctor or a con firefighter, but we’ll settle for a con accountant, if it means he can afford a roof over his head. His grandfather was one of the greatest con lawyers the court system had ever seen, so we are happy to see him kind of following in his footsteps.”
At press time, Metcalf felt extremely scammed himself after seeing his student loan payment balance from attending accounting school.
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U.S. Health Care System Announces Plan to Just Scatter Med-Kits Randomly Around Country
BY Dan Kozuh WASHINGTON — The Department of Health & Human Services announced a sweeping overhaul of the nation’s healthcare infrastructure by strategically distributing med-kits randomly scattered across the country, sources within the HHS confirm.
“We’ve reached a critical juncture in this country. The new program, titled Operation Full HP, will allow patients to locate first-aid kits in various locations, including, but not limited to, file cabinets, near trees, and under the occasional park bench,” said Deputy Health Secretary Carol Mulligan in a press conference. “Doctors and hospitals are overwhelmed, and the cost of care is astronomical. By scattering these med-kits nationwide, we’re empowering individuals to take healthcare into their own hands—literally. Imagine, you twist your ankle, and bam—there’s a med-kit conveniently hidden behind a fire hydrant.”
Patients, however, remain confused by the unconventional rollout.
“I’ve spent hours looking for one of these kits when I got a migraine last week,” said Derrick Washington, a New Jersey resident. “Why are they hiding them in the most ridiculous places? I finally found one, but it was in a mocker at an abandoned YMCA. It had some band-aids, sure, but no ibuprofen. Another was nestled in a swath of tall grass like I’m trying to catch a Pokémon? I’m sick, not on a scavenger hunt. The least they could do is make them glow blue so you can spot them easier.”
Still, experts argue that this plan represents a bold new era of American healthcare.
“This is technically universal healthcare,” said Dr. Jane Phillips, a professor of health policy at Stanford University. “Everyone has an equal opportunity to find a med-kit, regardless of socio-economy standing. It’s a free-for-all, and that’s what makes it fair. Let’s say you break your leg and find a med-kit with Oxycodone & a bottle of whiskey – you can trade those items with someone else who found a splint. In a way, it’s the perfect blend of universal access and free market capitalism.”
As of press time, thousands of kits have already been delivered to empty wood crates, the stalls of bathrooms, and disused vending machines with a rollout planned for 2025 to include burned-out pickups, under piles ro rubble, and in sewers.
Judge Sentences Man to 200 Hours of “League Of Legends”
BY Charles Bill
AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Ellen Beatriz sentenced a man to play 200 hours of “League of Legends” in what legal scholars are calling a violation of the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition against cruel and unusual punishments.
“My lawyer was shocked when they handed down the sentence,” said convicted shoplifter Tony Asmana. “I was sort of confused. I Googled it, and it’s apparently the most popular game in the world? What could be so bad about it? I checked out a couple of streams, and I immediately realized what I was in for. If the people who play this game all day are like this, what chance do I possibly have? And they’re good at the game too. My lawyer says I should appeal the case, that way I might get the sentence reduced to prison time or Fortnite.”
Judge Beatriz is known for their particularly creative punishments and drew upon their life experience for the sentencing.
“I used to play the game, and I can’t think of anything better to teach someone a lesson,” explained Judge Beatriz. “Mr. Asmana is going to be getting an education in what happens when you break the rules of polite society: you play League of Legends. I wish him the best of luck trying to clear his jungle camps while he gets spam pinged by his teammates and told to kill himself in ways that avoid the language autodetection. Sometimes you need to use the harshest measures available to you, and it was either this or a bare bottom caning.”
Representatives for Riot Games had mixed feelings about their game being used for civic punishment.
“I swear someone actually enjoys playing this game,” said Riot co-founder and modern monster Mark Merrill. “We get like ten million players a day, are they all just playing because they’re masochistically addicted to this game? Probably, yeah. We designed the game to be fun, but less fun every time. I got the idea after I became addicted to cigarettes: what if we made cigarettes a game that was somehow worse for you than actual cigarettes? Thus, LoL was born. It’s not great PR for us that it’s being used as a legal judgment, but at least this guy might buy some horny skins.”
At press time, Asmana was already being told he needed to neck himself in the pregame lobby of his first game.
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