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Hard Digest October 22: Abercrombie CEO, Early Access Time After Time, Weed Gummies, Hobbies, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-23 00:00:06 +0000 UTCFormer Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Appears in Court Shirtless for Sex Trafficking Charges
By Ben Friedman
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex trafficking charges, court reporters have confirmed.
“I’ve seen some brazenly dumb stunts unfold before a judge but this takes the cake. I’m assuming he believed the judge would be impressed by his naked torso and overpriced jeans as if this were a mall in 2003, however it’s not the look you want to present when you’re being accused of tricking young men into prostitution,” said Michael Schwartz. “It also didn’t help that the cologne Mr. Jefferies was flirting with the stenographer, and he was nearly found in contempt because he kept oiling up his nipples. I wouldn’t want to be the Marshall who has to extradite him to New York City tomorrow.”
Jefferies’ attorney denied any wrongdoing by his client.
“While we are taking these allegations very seriously, there’s been a huge misunderstanding. The fact that my client looks and acts like a high school bully who’s never been held accountable and openly won’t wear shirts in public doesn’t mean he is using that lifestyle to coerce young men into interstate sex rings in exchange for modeling contracts. I’m sure you can see how the two are conflated,” said Frank Laggio. “I told the judge Mr. Jefferies’ shirtless look was him merely living the A&F values, which in hindsight probably didn’t help and is why the bail was set to $10 million. Maybe I should’ve at least given him my tie.”
Anti-sex trafficking advocates pointed out that Jefferies’ charges were not surprising.
“Jefferies appearing sans shirt, even in federal court, is proof enough that these executives are brazenly depraved. Have you ever been in an Abercrombie, Zara, or Hollister where you didn’t feel like you were about to be groped?” said Ally Williams. “This is a great day for justice and for exposing the dangerous world of douchebag clothing chains. One day you think you’re going to be modeling in front of a clothing store across from Auntie Anne’s, the next you’re tricked into giving a lap dance to some asshole hedge fund manager. I just hope the people he hurt can finally get a sense of peace.”
As of press time, court recessed for the day after Jefferies doused himself in Abercrombie’s signature “Fierce” fragrance, causing a mass evacuation of the courthouse.
“Time After Time” Being Played on Supermarket Speakers Provides Man With First Emotional Feeling in Over a Decade
By INDIANAPOLIS — Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 hit song “Time After Time” being played in a Trader Joe’s supermarket caused a man to have an actual emotional reaction for the first time in over ten years, sources who say if you’re lost you can look and you will find them confirmed.
“So there I was browsing the frozen aisle looking for a microwavable pizza for one like always when suddenly I hear Cyndi Lauper’s tragic yet somehow hopeful masterpiece ‘Time After Time’ being played and I actually felt… a feeling,” said Chris Faban. “Something about the bittersweet melody and the heartbreaking lyrics broke through a decade’s long fog of blank numbness I’ve had and made me experience what I remember as an ‘emotion.’ For a few minutes there I almost felt like a kid again with hopes and dreams and not just an adult empty husk devoid of a soul. Unfortunately, it all went away the second the song ended.”
Other shoppers in the store say they noticed Faban and were confused by his quiet moment of self-reflection in the aisle.
“I saw this guy standing there with the freezer door open and he just seemed to be lost in thought. I wasn’t sure if this was like some kind of low-effort TikTok prank or what but then I realized the tears forming in his eyes were because of the song playing over the P.A.,” said fellow Trader Joe’s customer Jennifer Stillar. “I thought it all seemed a bit too dramatic but then the song ended and ‘Come Sail Away’ started playing and suddenly I felt a heaviness in my chest as I also fantasized about being taken away from… all of this by a group of angels. Or was it aliens? The lyrics get kinda weird toward the end.”
Trader Joe’s marketing manager Liz Collins says the nostalgic soundtrack played in their stores and the reaction it has on its shoppers is no accident.
“Research shows that when aging Millennials and Gen-Xers hear emotionally charged songs from their childhood they are more likely to buy comfort foods and overpriced sugary snacks,” said Collins. “Since we implemented this sad yet also triumphant playlist in our locations, sales of frozen chocolate bonbons have increased 72% and we can’t even keep the pumpkin streusel muffins stocked on the shelf anymore due to demand because of these sad aging saps.”
At press time, employees of the local Trader Joe’s location reported every shopper in the store stopped dead in their tracks once “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House started playing.
Cool! These Weed Gummies Are Legal Everywhere Because They Don’t Work
By Travis Tack
“GrooveChews” are the popular new THC-gummy that’s available in all 50 states – even the ones where marijuana is illegal. How’s it possible? Simple: They do not work.
It used to be if wanted to buy marijuana that doesn’t work, you’d have to find a shady guy in a public park, but thanks to “GooveChews”, that’s no longer the case. That’s right – no matter where you are, you too can order marijuana edibles (kind of).
After seeing the ads every day on social media for a year, I was curious. I don’t actually like doing marijuana, but that doesn’t mean I want to miss out on the trends.
I was worried these gummies might make me feel paranoid or start liking jam bands, but thankfully none of that happened. With these gummies, I couldn’t even feel the sugar!
And the best part is, even though you won’t get high, they’ll still cause you to fail a drug test. But don’t take my word for it – just ask my friend Steve (during visiting hours, of course.)
Because they don’t really do anything, these gummies are perfect for eating whenever or wherever you feel like. But I wouldn’t take them before driving because they contain a lot of alcohol sugars and may cause diarrhea.
Sounds too good to be true, right?
I caught up with ‘GrooveChews’ founder Eli Wertzel to ask him how it’s possible.
“Our products use only the highest quality ingredients and the worst quality marijuana,” Mister Wertzel said proudly. “Thanks to the 2018 Farm Bill, it’s now legal to sell weed with almost 0% THC to simple people all over the country. And we guarantee our product’s ineffectiveness by sending GrooveChews to third-party labs where they’re regularly tested on disappointed stoners. As a result, you’ll never believe all the places they’re available, or how little they do.”
And Wertzel says sales have been great, especially since GrooveChews started retailing in stores. We talked with GNC franchise owner Michael Diaz, who says the product is incredibly popular with his customers.
“When the creators of these gummies told me they didn’t actually do anything, that’s when I knew they belonged in GNC,” Diaz explained. “And the best part is, since the gummies don’t have any psychotropic effect, that means they’re perfect for Scientologists like me. Because these gummies aren’t drugs, in fact, they’re barely even food. I recommend mixing them with echinacea and fenugreek, if you really want to not feel anything.”
Man Debating Whether Next Short-Lived Obsession Will Be Cycling, Cast Iron or Pickling
By Tim Graham
BENNINGTON, Vt. — Local bartender Jerome Skinner is nearing a final decision on what subject he will become temporarily engrossed with next, according to sources who are sick of hearing about it.
“I’ve narrowed it down to just a few options,” said Skinner while manically adding cycling accessories to his Amazon cart. “My next hobby will probably be biking, but I’m also considering getting way into cast iron cookware for a while, or learning to make my own pickles and kimchi. Whatever I decide to focus on next, trust me, this one’s going to stick. I know I’ve had some brief, costly obsessions in the past, but this time it will be different. If I’m going to sink all of my disposable income, mental energy and spare time into something again, it’s definitely going to last, except for the times I tried woodworking, photography, and ultra marathon running.”
Skinner’s wife says their apartment is already crowded with implements from his previous fleeting interests.
“The hall closet is completely jammed with skateboards, helmets and knee pads from when Jerome got super into skating for like two months,” said Gayle Skinner while deftly sidestepping a stack of books on homebrewing. “On our first date, I was impressed with how passionate Jerome was about baking—it was all he talked about. Little did I know that was only one of dozens of hobbies he’s cycled through. He hasn’t broken out the Kitchenaid mixer in years. I just pray his next hobby is something that doesn’t take up a lot of room, like bonsai trees or building ships in bottles.”
Psychologist Bentley Cross says certain people are susceptible to becoming addicted to the excitement of a new hobby.
“It sounds like Mr. Skinner tends to get more of a thrill from the fantasy of a hobby rather than the hobby itself,” said Cross. “He enjoys the rush of researching, buying equipment and daydreaming about a whole new lifestyle surrounding the hobby du jour. But most people that ‘chase the dragon’ in this manner end up burning out and losing interest once any actual effort or dedication is required of them. I myself am no stranger to the siren’s call of a new passion. I became preoccupied with taxidermy for a time but unfortunately it didn’t last. Now my garage is full of moldering pelts and glass eyes.”
At press time, Skinner had been observed carrying several large aquariums into his apartment after deciding that fishkeeping would be his next endeavor.
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Jimmy Carter Hanging in There to Pre-Order Metroid Prime 4
BY Eric Bailey
PLAINS, Ga. — Former president and centenarian Jimmy Carter fulfilled his goal of voting for Kamala Harris in the 2024 American presidential election and has turned his focus to a new target: pre-ordering the long-awaited Nintendo game ‘Metroid Prime 4: Beyond.’
“We recognize the blessing and privilege to still have him with us,” said Carter’s granddaughter Margaret Alicia Carter. “He has lived a full life and is sure to leave a legacy of selfless civil service, noble pride in his American roots, and an unwavering dedication to first-party Nintendo titles. Grandma held out just long enough to complete her run of ‘Tears of the Kingdom,’ so it’s no surprise to us that grandpa has his sights set on a similar goal.”
Although the previous entry in the Metroid Prime series released in 2007, the fourth installment has undergone a series of setbacks, with some commentators speculating that it is in development hell.
“Nintendo already scrapped the whole project and assigned a different developer to start over completely, and that was back in 2019,” said Julie Valdez, a games writer at Wired. “Supposedly Prime 4 will now release in 2025, but my sources say they want to bookend it between ‘StarTropics 3’ and another couple dozen ‘Mario Kart 8’ tracks. There may be further delays down the line, as Nintendo has apparently devoted a large percentage of their workforce to localizing ‘Mother 3’ for Western audiences.”
While Carter remains undeterred despite Prime 4’s rocky development journey, he does admit to one other wish.
“I’m sure the Big N will get it done with Samus Aran’s next epic sci-fi adventure,” said the former president. “But I won’t truly die happy until we get a new Kid Icarus game. I’d even settle for a port of Uprising. C’mon, this Georgia peach wants his Pit.”
Carter was last seen entirely motionless, being fitted with a green arm cannon in preparations for the family Halloween party.
Sims Streamer Invited to Share Torture Techniques With IDF
BY RIVERSIDE, Calif. — The Israeli Defense Forces announced a new training regime involving studying techniques used by Sims streamer Erin Davies, who is known to her audience as “Simsinatti.”
“We’re always on the lookout for new methods to violate human rights,” said IDF spokesperson Aksel “Bodybags” Weizman. “Simsinatti has real talent. Not just for killing Sims. She’s got a real knack for drawing out their suffering. Keeping their needs on the very precipice of life and a visit from the Grim Reaper. It’d bring a tear to my eye if I were capable of feeling anything.”
This is the first in what the IDF hopes will be several courses studying gamers and their methods of violence.
“I got the invitation after my last sub-a-thon,” explained Davies. “I was seeing how long I could keep an entire family of Sims alive with one pizza, a single chair, and a TV blaring constant music. Managed to keep them going for six in-game days straight. The IDF said they were jealous of my record.”
“I’ve gotta admit, I was on the fence about giving this talk,” continued Davies. “However, considering my mom works at the nearby hospital and still carries a pager around, I figured the safest thing for everyone was for me to agree to this.”
The IDF’s proposed plan has been met with a significant amount of criticism, notably from several virtual life groups.
“This is just the latest stop on this torture train,” announced Wright to Life, an organization dedicated to promoting Sim rights. “It’s bad enough that Sims have been starved, electrocuted, immolated, and drowned by casual gamers. We don’t need sweaty tryhards getting involved.”
At press time, the IDF announced unexpected difficulties with the plan, explaining that they were used to victims who didn’t fight back.
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