thehardtimes posts
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Some free game copies for patrons
It's Game Night! Check the latest installment of our indie games review column.https://hard-drive.net/news-games/game-night-getting-self-consciously-old-school-with-geneforge-2/Want a copy of this week's game? We have 6 extra. Leave a note here and I'll message you
Hard Digest May 2: Boeing, Early Access Merch, Wings, Aging, and More
Boeing Swears They Just Only Hire Suicidal PeopleBY ARIELLE ANDREANOARLINGTON, Va. – Executives at Boeing responded to the mysterious death of a second whistleblower by claiming the company has a longstanding policy of only hiring people with suicidal thoughts and actions, multiple sources confirmed“We here at Boei...
Hard Digest May 1: Police Abuse, Early Access Unsold Records, Cool Kids, They Might Be Giants, and More
Cop Practices For Long Day of Busting Protests By Beating Teenage Children at HomeBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFLOS ANGELES — Local police officer Mark Woodside warmed up for a long day of work beating college kids peacefully protesting genocide by knocking around his teenage children who were trying to avoid him, sources c...
Hard Digest April 30: Marijuana, Early Access TikTok, Bill Murray, Nextdoor, and More
DEA Reschedules Marijuana After Having Their Minds Blown at Those Phish Sphere ConcertsBY JASON VANSLYCKEWASHINGTON — The Drug Enforcement Agency announced plans to reschedule marijuana from the strict Schedule I classification to the chiller Schedule III after experiencing a “mind-bending” four-night run of Phis...
Hard Digest April 29: Kristi Noem, Early Access Elvis, Skinny Jeans, Six Feet Under, and More
Kristi Noem Saves Face by Claiming Dog She Shot Was Infected with Woke Mind VirusBY STEPHEN BELLPIERRE, S.D. – South Dakota Governor and potential Trump 2024 running mate Kristi Noem tried to save face after admitting to shooting her dog by claiming that the dog was infected with the “woke mind virus” and therefo...
Hard Digest April 28: Early Access Real Punks, Cancel Culture, TikTok, and More
Punk Can’t Decide if They Should Be the Kind of Punk That Knows a Lot About Government or Jack ShitBY MATTHEW SCHNEEMANMINNEAPOLIS — Local man Brian Meddleson, a 20-year-old who has recently gotten into punk music, is openly debating on whether he will be a ‘don’t give a shit’ type of punk or the ‘really gi...
Hard Digest April 27: Early Access The Toadies, Viral Videos, Kentucky Derby, Dads, and More
Parent Playing Animal-Themed Playlist at Children’s Party Beginning to Think Toadies Song Not About PossumsBY ARIELLE ANDREANOSAN DIEGO – Local parent Nicholas Klein began to question the playlist he made for his kid’s wild animal-themed birthday party after finally paying attention to the lyrics from The Toadies...
Hard Digest April 26: Trump Trial, Early Access Krist Novoselic, Posers, Neoliberals, Excuses, and More
Trump Defense Attorney Grills Former National Enquirer Publisher on Whether or Not Elvis Was Spotted Alive Eating Moon Pies at Tennessee Gas StationBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFNEW YORK — Former President Trump’s Defense Attorney Emil Bove used his time cross-examining former National Enquirer Publisher David Pecker abou...
Hard Digest April 25: Police Abuse, Early Access Elon, Capitalism, Jam Bands, and More
Cop Beating the Crap Out of College Student Looking Forward to Two Weeks Paid VacationBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFNEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University, slightly jealous sou...
Wanna write for Hard Times or Hard Drive? Here's how.
How to write a satire headline: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EPhYYDnkNdFFIA5K6ZfWlCrefyoulxKNrLmy6rfbV60/editPitch Hard Drive: https://forms.gle/2MY3bZhVeE5RyV3V8Pitch Hard Times: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdhh43uEwCkL7Ms2aqWVY_zpoKUY0izcL1356BWmr7Ri_wegQ/viewform
Hard Digest April 24: Early Access Keith Richards, Online Dating, Trojan Horses, and More
Rolling Stones Manager Admits to “Weekend at Bernie’s”-ing Keith Richards for Last 35 YearsBY JOE RUMRILLLONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ long dead corpse since 1989, sources wondering h...
Hard Digest April 23: Early Access Fantasy Metal, Molly, Rap Skits, and More
Fantasy Metal Show’s Coat Check Consists Primarily of CapesBY COURTNEY HILLLANSING, Mich. — The coat check at the Iron Smelt Theatre was filled almost exclusively with capes during fantasy metal legends Polarian Amulet show, event staff reported while sweeping up prosthetic elf ears.“For people who put on such ai...
Winners announced! Check your email to see if you won
Hey everyone!Check your email. I just sent out individualized codes for all the winners of our patron raffle from matt@thehardtimes.net. The codes should let you pick any item from https://hardshoppes.com/and get it for free. Any hang ups or questions hit me up at matt@outvoice.comWe appreciate your support for our cra...
Hard Digest April 22: Early Access The Smiths Reunion?, Criterion Closet, Boomers, and More
Morrissey, Johnny Marr Pretend Not to See Each Other at Grocery StoreBY TIM GRAHAMMANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each other, sources hoping for an...
Hard Digest April 21: Early Access Ruby Soho, Nostalgia, Health Insurance, and More
Ruby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 MillionBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFNEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.“Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my p...
Hard Digest April 20: Chicago Hardcore, Komodo Dragons, Authors, Past Success, and More
NBC Adds “Chicago Hardcore” to City-Themed LineupBY BEN FRIEDMANLOS ANGELES — NBC announced they would be expanding its One Chicago universe this fall by focusing on the punk scene with “Chicago Hardcore,” network executives have confirmed.“I’ll admit that we’ve exhausted every storyline and plot twist ...
Hard Digest April 19: Taylor Swift, Early Access 420, Record Store Day, Blue's Clues, ICP, and More
Internet Detectives Believe New Taylor Swift Track “Florida!!!” About Troubled Relationship With Swamp-Dwelling Skunk ApeBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFAPALACHICOLA, Fla. — Dedicated Swifties across the internet believe the new Taylor Swift song “Florida!!!” is about her highly publicized breakup with the mythical sw...
Hard Digest April 18: Ukraine, Early Access Black Metal, Sludge, Perverts, and More
Facebook Launches “Most Powerful Profile Picture Filter Yet” in Support of Ukraine Against Russian InvasionBY IAN STEFFÉMENLO PARK, Calif — Facebook parent company Meta launched what it describes as its “most powerful Facebook profile picture filter yet” in a bid to support Ukraine amidst the ongoing Russian...
Hard Digest April 18: 20 Years of Tears, Early Access Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Bible, Home Ownership, and More
VIP Tickets for “20 Years of Tears” Tour Include Exclusive Access to Leave Early to Beat the TrafficBY BOBBY KORECDAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access to leave early in order t...
Hard Digest April 16: Early Access Weezer, Pizza, Sobriety, and More
Weezer Deciding If Next Album Should Be One of the Good Ones or NotBY DUSTIN NEWMANLOS ANGELES — Iconic rock band Weezer are hard at work trying to decide whether their next album will be one of the more enjoyable ones or one that is universally panned, confirmed sources who stopped caring five or six records ago.“...
Hard Digest April 15: Early Access Jamiroquai, Grindcore, Babies, and More
Grindcore Band Argues Over What 473 Songs They Have Written Should Go on New RecordBY CHRIS BOWENSEATTLE — Members of local grindcore band Gestation Crate were unable to settle a debate about which 473 songs of theirs should belong on their upcoming album, confirmed sources who recommended picking them out of a very ...
Hard Digest April 14: Early Access Raw Meat Diet, AOL Running Man, Mitch McConnell, and More
Man Trying Raw Meat Diet Hoping Debilitating Salmonella Part of the ProcessBY BEN FRIEDMAN| APRIL 15, 2024INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources have confirmed.“There’s somethi...
Hard Digest April 13: Early Access Trump, Emotional Walls, Eric Clapton, TikTok Music, and More
Trump Brags About Latest Cognitive Test After Crushing Kids Menu MazeBY PATRICK COYNEHAZELTON, Pa. — Former President Trump took time during a campaign rally to brag about successfully completing another cognitive test after finishing the puzzles on a Denny’s kids menu “without any help whatsoever,” dazzled sou...
Hard Digest April 12: Golden Bachelor, Early Access Biden, Sellouts, Sum-41, Elder Millennials, and More
Inspiring! Golden Bachelor Proves You’re Never Too Old to Get Married, Give it Three Months, Then Get DivorcedBY MIRIAM JAYARATNA“The Golden Bachelor” first captured the nation’s heart with a romantic tale of two widowed septuagenarians who were able to find love again later in life, thanks to a few heavily pro...
Hard Digest April 11: O.J. Simpson, Early Access Pig Kidneys, Discmans, Practice Space, and More
Medical Staff Report OJ Took One Last Instinctual Swipe at Blonde Nurse Before PassingBY DOUG KOLICLAS VEGAS – Former football star and accused double-murderer OJ Simpson took one last instinctual swipe at a blonde nurse standing nearby just before taking his final dying breath, according to sources too afraid to che...
Patron appreciation giveaway. Free records, shirts, more
Hey everyone! If you're a Patron, you've just been entered into a raffle. Winners will receive a code that gives them the ability to (digitally) run through our merch store, which is filled with some of our favorite punk/hardcore records, video game vinyl, hard times and hard drive t-shirts, etc and grab any it...
Hard Digest April 10: Gun Laws, Early Access PornHub, Sobriety, Record Stores, and More
Jealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy StudentsBY THE HARD TIMES STAFF TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Members of the Florida Senate quickly passed a new bill last night that will allow teachers K-12 to publicly pistol whip students who are late to class, confirmed sources who admitte...
Hard Digest April 9: Early Access Metal Merch, Porn Addiction, the Wienermobile, and More
Metal Band’s Merch Guy Offers to Remove Sleeves From Any Shirt for Additional FeeBY CHRIS BOWEN HOUSTON — Merch guy for the heavy metal band Beast of Damocles Eric Jennie provides an extra service for any customers who want the sleeves cut off of any shirt at the band’s merch table for a small, additional fee, se...
Hard Digest April 8: Early Access Alcoholism, Gary Busey, Lullabys and More
Concerned Friends and Family Fear Man Has Reached “‘80s Speed Metal Fan” Level of AlcoholismBY CHRIS BOWEN TORONTO — Family and friends of local man Neil Dupont are growing increasingly concerned for his health after showing signs that his alcohol problem has reached the point of someone who chronically listens...
Hard Digest April 7: Early Access Solar Eclipse, Disney Adults, Poser Babies, and More
Bonnie Tyler Projected To Earn $1.47 Off “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” Spotify Streams During Solar EclipseBY JERROD KINGERY AUSTIN, Texas – Recording artist Bonnie Tyler is projected to rake in a record $1.47 from Spotify as millions of users are expected to stream her 1983 hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” du...
