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Hard Digest May 2: Boeing, Early Access Merch, Wings, Aging, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-03 00:00:04 +0000 UTCBoeing Swears They Just Only Hire Suicidal People
BY ARLINGTON, Va. – Executives at Boeing responded to the mysterious death of a second whistleblower by claiming the company has a longstanding policy of only hiring people with suicidal thoughts and actions, multiple sources confirmed
“We here at Boeing are offended by insinuations that we would ever do anything to harm any of our employees, regardless of whether they threaten to take down our entire corporation by revealing dark, mob-like plots to uncover gross negligence that’s killed hundreds of people and risked the lives of thousands, if not millons,” said company spokesperson Mike Nuñez. “The only risk to our employees is their own dark thoughts. Working for Boeing is tough, it’s demanding, and so many of our employees love working here so much that it scares them, and they can’t imagine living without one of our paychecks. And unfortunately, some of our former employees died suddenly, but they can rest easy knowing that their talking days are over.”
When asked to comment, current employees of the aerospace manufacturer responded by releasing prerecorded VHS tapes to various media outlets. In the video, an employee who identifies themselves as Jean Fiorelli sits in a chair in front of a blank white wall and speaks to camera.
“Yes, we here at Boeing think about killing ourselves all the time. It’s all we talk about. It’s-“
At this point in the video, Jean looks down at her lap, then to the right of camera with a confused look on her face. She then nods and proceeds.
“It’s what gets us up in the morning. Thank God and the shareholders for Boeing and for giving us all such a safe space to work. The workplace is so beautiful that it’s tough for our minds to understand and some days the beauty makes us want to kill ourselves. But if we do, it is because we are totally suicidal.”
Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Expert Nikki Smith provided a professional opinion on the alleged phenomenon.
“A company hiring only suicidal individuals is certainly unorthodox and I might even go so far as to say unheard of and dangerous,” said Smith. “Unless they have stringent protocol and support in place. There has been some recent literature on the topic that was actually released by Boeing and four of my colleagues that spoke out about it got violently ill. So I’m just going to shut my mouth and everyone should move on unless you have a deathwish.”
The company has pledged $1,000 to support mental health research and “to stop those sad folks from blowing their brains out or whatever.”
$60 Tour Shirt Instantly Stained by $14 Bud Light
BY PITTSBURGH – Local concertgoer Roger Macmillan ruined his brand-new $60 tour t-shirt with a perplexingly expensive Bud Light at record speed, witnesses report.
“Perfect, just perfect,” Macmillan said, wringing the sopping hem of his screen-printed longsleeve back into his empty cup. “I bought this less than three minutes ago and it’s already trashed. I cannot believe I just shelled out more than a tank of gas for this thing, put it on like an idiot, and then spilled an entire beer down my front like an even bigger idiot. Holy fuck, please just euthanize me at this rate. The Bud Light was the cheapest beer the bar had, too. I would rather drink on a red-eye flight than recreate this experience.”
“Merchlord” Dylan Maroney, who sold Macmillan the shirt in question, has seen this exact scenario play out before.
“Ah yeah, the classic one-two punch,” Maroney said while checking out three customers at the same time using a single 5th-generation iPad. “Happens all the time. Guys waltz up here thinking they’re hot shit, paying with their Apple Watch or whatever, putting on the shirt right away because ‘the AC is on pretty high’ in here. And then boom, like a force of nature, they spill whatever dogshit beer they’re guzzling right down their whole fuckin’ torso. I gotta say, the look on their faces is a little bit priceless, though I’m happy to have a strict no-returns policy for overpriced beer stains.”
Financial advisor Tony Hunziker provided his expert insight on how to avoid this sort of fiscal disaster.
“These kids don’t know a thing about how to best protect their assets,” Hunziker said from his inexplicably smoky corner office. “A tour shirt is a serious investment for a punk, even an aging one, and going in willy-nilly without a clear plan is a one-way ticket to looking like our boy Roger here. I’ll give ya three tips: buy your merch after the set, if not, drink at the back of the venue so you don’t get bumped around, and sneak in a tiny flask instead of shilling out at the bar. That will be $350 for the advice.”
At press time, Macmillan was seen leaving the set early so he could get home and wash his shirt before the overwhelming heat that had built up in the pit set the stain permanently.
How To Control Your Pure, Carnal Desire When Your Date Orders the Extra Spicy Wings for Badasses Only
BY Hot sauce is famously the only aphrodisiac that works when the other person eats it, but it’s no mystery why. It’s simple biology; pain tolerance is required for survival, and survival is required for procreation. Ergo, the hotter the pepper, the hotter the man.
With that in mind, picture this: You’re on a date at Buffalo Wild Wings when the waiter comes by and asks if you’re ready to order food. You start to take a sip of your beverage when your date says he’s “going with the Blazin’ Wings Challenge.” A hush falls over the restaurant as the other patrons spin around to look. You cartoonishly spit out your diet coke. The aghast waiter silently nods before scurrying off to fetch the waiver.
Now just look at you. You’re already half-feral and they haven’t even brought the wings out yet. Don’t let this be you—plan ahead.
Timing
Go near closing time to minimize the risk of making a scene. Attracting a crowd of suitors at peak hours will naturally create a sense of urgency to seduce them before the competition does, making you more likely to rush the process and fumble.
Avoid Direct Eye Contact While Eating
Gazing into their eyes while they fearlessly tear into another flat is bound to awaken your most primal urges. So when the food comes out, try to focus on your cry-baby sissy wings as much as possible. Don’t worry, they will know what you’re doing and respect that you know your limits.
Ask About Their Favorite Podcasts
No matter what they listen to, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a thoroughly unsexy podcast hot-take to discuss. Don’t get too political here; the spice makes tempers flare, after all. Asinine conspiracy theories usually do the trick.
Fake A Phone Call
This is a good excuse to step away from the table to regain your composure. Just try to hide how much your hands and legs are shaking as you stand up.
Make Them Wear One Of Those Adult Bibs Like They Have At Seafood Restaurants
You may have to wear one yourself to get them to go along with it, but if you’re in a pinch they work like a charm. You won’t be able to take another word they say seriously for the rest of dinner.
And above all, be respectful! Remember, if you can’t keep cool, don’t seek the heat. Good luck!
Aging Metalhead Mistakenly Thinks He Can Still Fit in Wedding Battle Vest
BY PITTSBURGH – Aging metalhead Derek Vance made the mistake of trying to slip into his wedding battle vest to celebrate his 25 year anniversary with his wife, concerned sources confirmed.
“I know I’ve put on a few since we first got hitched,” lamented a visibly flushed Vance. “But I had no idea that things had gotten so bad. One day, you’re fighting off groupies with the pointed headstock of your B.C. Rich Warlock, and the next thing you know you’re trapped inside the garment you wore on your wedding day and have to get airlifted from your back porch because there’s too much tension and the circulation to your brain is slowly getting cut off. But hey, that’s just a part of getting older.”
Julia Vance revealed that she’s been harping on her husband’s diet and lifestyle for years, and can’t say she’s surprised.
“Derek always had the metabolism of a jackrabbit, but he was also touring constantly,” explained Vance’s better half as she secretly let out his guitar straps. “The problem is that these days, his diet solely consists of bar food and about 30 Natural Lights a day as if he was still 25, and his lifestyle finally caught up with him. We’re going to have a serious talk about his diet because there’s just something so unwholesome about watching the love of your life gasp for breath like Vince Neil trying to muscle through ‘Kickstart My Heart’ while he’s helplessly wriggling around on the ground.”
Master tailor and Men’s Wearhouse manager Dwight Samson laid out a couple of possible solutions for Vance.
“You’d be surprised about how many battle garments I’ve altered over the years. Luckily they’re so patched up and covered in vomit stains that it’s actually really easy to take a couple of old garments and stitch them together as if they were one,” asserted Samson as he assessed the damage of Vance’s ceremonial garb. “Ideally, Derek can stand to lose a few pounds, because this is one of the more disturbing blowouts I’ve witnessed in years, and I’m not a miracle worker.”
At press time, Vance was spotted spraying his legs with WD-40 in an attempt to squeeze into his size 28 leather pants.
More From The Hard Times:
15 Directors Who Endangered Actors Lives Ranked From “Worth It” to “Totally Worth It”
Game Would Be Absolutely Perfect if Only You Were a Furry
BY CHARLES BILL
Well, it happened again. You were bored, looking at your Steam library of hundreds of games, and decided you needed to buy a new one. So you head to the Steam store and see what’s on sale. This game, Furrious Fighters, has overwhelmingly positive reviews and is on sale for five bucks. Perfect.
It’s almost immediate that you realize something is wrong. The first character who appears on screen is an anthropomorphized, very shredded, fox. This thing has a chest that’s wider than a mack truck, and you can just tell he’s packing a monster hog under his boxer shorts.
But you press on. The gameplay is incredible. A combination of roguelike and puzzle solving that scratches the perfect itch in your brain. If only you were a furry it would be a game of the year contender. This might be the best game you’ve played, but you’re probably not going to tell anyone about it.
You’re addicted to the game. You can’t stop playing it. Unless someone walks into the room, in which case you’ll immediately alt-tab and pretend you’ve never heard of yiffing in your life, even though there’s a yiff-meter that powers you up.
When you beat a level, the game provides you with an explicit picture of some of the other animalistic characters. It’s clearly intended to be a reward, but you can’t help but feel it’s God’s punishment for you abandoning Him.
Honestly though, that rabbit woman is pretty cute. You can deal with that. You liked Lola Bunny. Maybe you’re not so different from the target audience for this game after all?
Only a few more sessions will help you find out.
We Infiltrated the Secret Discord Group Where Gamers Politely Discuss Industry News and Consider Financially Supporting Games Media
Investigative reporters here at Hard Drive have spent the last several months secretly infiltrating a Discord where online gamers have gathered to politely discuss recent video game news and consider financially supporting their favorite games media.
We warn you, what you are about to read is disturbing.
“I recently received the new paper edition of Game Informer – did you hear they relaunched it? Pretty cool,” one discord user said in the #drama channel. “Important to vote with your dollar. I want it around so I’ll support it.”
Manor Lords, an indie city builder which was recently released to early access to much praise, was widely discussed.
“I love the combat,” one user said. “It’s like a medieval Sim City with Total War combat or something. Nice! Anyone else try it?”
Seemingly fueled off of each other, the echo chamber effect only amplified the group’s attitude. Sources confirmed they had encouraged each other to take their views into the real world.
“It’s important to get to know your neighbors. Community shouldn’t stop just at your family. I’ve been making an effort to get to know all of my neighorbors,” one user said. “I want people in my community to know I’m there for them if they need me.”
At press time the group was reportedly organizing a campaign with other gamers to keep an elderly woman battling cancer in her home by promoting her GoFundMe.
