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Hard Digest April 12: Golden Bachelor, Early Access Biden, Sellouts, Sum-41, Elder Millennials, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-13 00:00:06 +0000 UTCInspiring! Golden Bachelor Proves You’re Never Too Old to Get Married, Give it Three Months, Then Get Divorced
BY “The Golden Bachelor” first captured the nation’s heart with a romantic tale of two widowed septuagenarians who were able to find love again later in life, thanks to a few heavily produced dates and whatever (or whoever) went down in the Fantasy Suites. Gerry Turner reminded us that when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s never too late to meet that special someone.
And today, America’s grandzaddy has given viewers something additional to be hopeful about: the timeless ability to rush into an ill-considered betrothal, enjoy a few months of new relationship energy, and then burn it to the ground.
If you thought that bad relationship decisions were only for 20-somethings or people having midlife crises, check your ageist assumptions at the door. Because it turns out that you can have decades of life experience and STILL make a series of absolutely terrible choices that will leave your grandchildren shaking their heads and begging you to go to therapy.
Were there any signs that this marriage wasn’t going to last? Absolutely. Like how Gerry only asked Theresa what her job was right before the season finale, and also the fact that he murmured the L-word into the hearing-aid garnished ears of not one, but several other ladies in the midst of wooing his bride-to-be.
So it comes as no surprise that this silver fox wreaked just as much havoc in the hen house as a younger, redder fox would have. And that’s right, ladies, it didn’t even matter that there weren’t any eggs in there. Old people can be just as shitty as young people, which is a beautiful message that just might bring this broken country together again.
And as if the whirlwind courtship and sudden decoupling weren’t already #relationshipgoals, Gerry and Theresa have proclaimed that they’re still in love with each other and intend to remain best friends. They’ve entered toxic situationship territory, all but guaranteeing that they won’t be able to move on, while sabotaging any future dating prospects — and we ought to applaud them for it.
They’ve shown us without a shadow of a doubt that you’re only as old as you feel. And if you feel immature enough to marry a stranger on national television and divorce them before you’ve learned their middle name, then we can all hope to remain forever young at heart.
Biden Attempts to Appeal to Youth By Appearing On Stage at Frankie Valli Concert in New Leather Jacket and Blue Jeans
BY ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — President Biden made an attempt to win over Gen Z voters by appearing on stage at a Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons concert wearing a brand new leather jacket and blue jeans, confirmed multiple retirement-aged sources.
“I’ve been a politician a long time, Jack, and I know you can’t make the young people come to you, you have to go where they are. I called up my old pal Frankie, we’ve known each other since the ‘50s when we drag-raced down by the old shipyard in our hotrods to win the heart of sweet Mary Anne. We were enemies then, but we became close friends over the years because all of our other friends died,” said President Biden. “He still pulls in a young crowd, I’m talking about people born after the Korean War here. They are the next generation, and I want to show them how slick I look in these dungarees. I might even join Frankie for a song or two.”
Concert attendee Katherine Wilson admitted she was flattered by the president constantly praising the crowd for their youthful looks.
“I just turned 68 last week and I’ve been feeling a little down about my age. I just became a great-grandmother for the third time, and my children are trying to sell my house so I can move into an elderly care facility permanently. So when President Biden said ‘You all look so great tonight’ it meant a lot to me, because I don’t recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore,” said Wilson. “I raised my kids the best way I knew how, and this is how they repay me? I swear they turned on me when their father died. They still blame me for that, you know. I guess I’m just the worst mother that ever existed and I’m sorry.”
Political analysts believe this was a gross miscalculation by President Biden.
“You can’t really blame the president. To him, everyone seems young. He’s so old he predates the Boomers. His generation doesn’t even have an interesting name, because there aren’t enough of them left to even justify thinking of one,” said left-leaning pundit Maurio Tiento. “If he wants to truly connect with Gen Z, someone is going to have to explain to them how old they actually are, and then convince him they are actually worth talking to. Because most people his age only communicate with Gen Zers through birthday cards they send in the mail with a $5 bill in there.”
President Biden announced his next campaign stop will be at a “Murder She Wrote” fan convention in Atlanta.
Sellout? This Woman’s Parents Are Proud of Her
BY DOM TUREK
The incidents that signify the end of a punk’s life are varied, unpredictable, and often smelly, but there is no discharge from the scene as humiliating and dishonorable as having your parents utter the four most cred-destroying words in the English dictionary, “We’re proud of you.”
It’s hard to believe the same fatigue-clad woman I saw drinking shots called Montezuma’s Revenge out of a bowling shoe in exchange for unlimited jukebox rights is the same woman her father now calls the “apple of his eye.” I wonder if she wrote Sarah “Subhuman” Higgins on the cover letter she used to land her cushy new advertising job, or instead opted for something more corporate-friendly.
Any true punk will tell you that receiving a promotion within the 9-to-5 world is actually seen as a demotion in terms of integrity and autonomy, so I can only imagine how secretly disappointed in herself she must have been when she was promoted from an administrative assistant to chief creative officer of a major magazine within just a year. You can’t tell me the poser-itis doesn’t eat away at her while she and her husband drink delicious protein-based smoothies and map out plans to install heated bathroom floors.
When I knew Sarah “Subhuman” Higgins, her only instruments of foreplay were a rubber paddle and spiked heals, but word on the street is that she’s traded it all in for a guy named Milton who has probably never even shed a drop of blood in a church hall punk show. If you lack the subcultural wherewithal to discuss local scene beef and that time Cro-Mags played in the park, how are you supposed to get your woman aroused?
God forbid my parents, step-parents, or any of the myriad of neighbors who helped to raise me dared to say “I’m proud of you,” and wrapped me in a warm hug, I would break their arms and put them in a sleeper hold. Lucky for them, I’ve never been remotely close to encountering such a situation.
Opinion: I Think I’m Finally Ready to Waste My Time and Become a Casualty of Society
BY RYAN CLARK
Looking back on my life I’ve realized that I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But these are the things you learn about yourself when storming through your forties like your name is El Niño.
One thing I’ve changed my mind about is the value of owning property. I once trashed my own house party because nobody came. If I knew that in 20 years that the house would have been worth roughly $1.2 million, I would have been a little more hesitant about doing grabbing my skateboard and doing 50-50 grinds down my stairway banister. Those trucks left serious gouges in the wood and destroyed the wood’s finish.
Another thing I’ve learned is I should be kinder to the elderly. I used to laugh when I saw an old person fall But then I took an awkward step off a curb and let me tell you, there is nothing funny about it. It was three years ago and my left knee still hasn’t been the same.
No matter what you do with your life one day you are going to realize that you are old. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’m sick of my diabetes monitoring patch beeping at me to “Act my age”!
Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, consequences and responsibility have been thrusted upon me. I’ve had countless trips to HR for having fun at other people’s expense. When my daughter asked me when I was picking her up from soccer practice I told her “Don’t count on me, to let you know when.” Turns out that wasn’t an appropriate answer. And now my wife is mad at me, cuz I’m not listenin’.
I’m now living with the ramifications of having a conscience so small. Huffing gas and drinking to proportion are not skill sets that get you far in life. Being raised on heavy metal and mullets is doing nothing for my retirement plan. I’m starting to agree with my mom’s doctor when he said that she should have had an abortion.
Elder Millennial Enters “Start Every Conversation by Describing Most Recent Injury” Phase of Lifecycle
BY JAMES KNAPP
TONAWANDA, N.Y. — 39-year-old Kyle Lowe recently began a new and horrifying phase of his adulthood where he now almost exclusively begins any interaction by describing some sort of pain or illness he’s currently experiencing, sources who all of a sudden have this thing going on with their sciatica confirmed.
“I don’t know what happened. It’s like one minute I’m a spry young whippersnapper treating my body with reckless abandon and the next I’m being quoted on record using the word ‘whippersnapper,’” explained Lowe. “The other day a friend of mine in their twenties asked me how I was doing and I spent half an hour making crunching noises with my mouth to simulate what my knee sounded like after I stepped on an uneven sidewalk two weeks ago. It’s like I’m trapped in some kind of fragile old-person hell.”
Geriatrician Margery Pampalampa, MD., gave a medical perspective on Mr. Lowe’s conversational development.
“This phase is a natural part of the human lifecycle. Just because the vast majority of millennials still can’t afford health insurance doesn’t mean they don’t age the same as previous generations,” began Pampalampa. “Frankly, I’m glad that it is natural for human beings to, at a certain point, start every conversation with talk about their medical failings. It’s good training for when they come into my office and have to explain what stupid thing they did to injure themselves.”
Despite most professionals’ optimism in regards to aging, very, very, very old man Jefferson Crackers affirmed that everything only gets so much worse from here.
“Oh boy. You think it’s bad now? Wait until you hit the point when you start every conversation by mentioning which of your friends died that week,” hooted Mr. Crackers while slipping into a bathtub filled with Bengay. “All you can really hope for is that nothing really horrifically embarrassing happens to you, because you will still talk about any injury regardless. That’s how everyone found out I had to have my wooden butt replaced with an aluminum one after those dern beavers wouldn’t stop chewing on it.”
At press time, Lowe was seen taking a deep interest in comparing ankle braces, which he does not yet need but feels that “you can never be too careful.”
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Every Motörhead Album Ranked Worst to Best
Gamer Simply Wants Non-Political Games, White Ethnostate
BY Simple, everyday gamer Davin Andersen reportedly wishes video games would stop pushing unneeded political agendas and instead focus on just being fun. He’d also support a white ethnostate.
“I play video games to get away from the stress of modern life and unending culture war stuff from both sides,” Andersen said. “Does everything need to be a political statement? Does everyone need to use every platform to spread their beliefs? I mostly keep mine to myself.”
“Until the time is right,” he added.
Andersen says he simply prefers games to be non-political. Then, when the time is right, he says, perhaps games could begin to lean a little closer to his own views – if they want. Then, in a perfect world, he would personally control each and every narrative of all games released. That way gamers would be happy. “AAA has no idea how to sell a game anymore,” he explained.
Andersen says videogames were better before owners bowed to activist employees. He believes both sides would be better off going their own ways.
“There are ways to separate the people we want from the people we don’t,” he said. “It could be done peacefully. I have a lot of ideas of how we could get a nice, clean separation if you want to hear.”
Online associates of Andersen, gathered in a discord called Gamers4Truth, say he isn’t representative of the group.
“I honestly just felt some of the inclusive stuff in games is a little corny or forced, like an impromptu HR presentation during a zombie apocalypse,” one member who goes by the username TboneFukHauz, said. “So yea, I lashed out a bit. I shouldn’t have done that. I think I just had low blood sugar and wasn’t feeling great that day, so I joined the group. That guy takes it too far though – he wants us all to get outfits together and go marching, the whole nine yards.”
Others in the group also distanced themselves.
“He keeps talking about ranks, saying we’re in a war,” another member who asked to remain anonymous, said. “This isn’t a war. I’m not a psycho. Call me old fashioned but I think we should just identify community managers and post their home addresses online. Just normal everyday stuff.”
Experts say it’s not uncommon for groups to have a diverse collection of views on whether or not it’s ok to be against all forms of racial diversity.
“Both online and offline coalitions have a variety of members, some more extreme than others. It’s hard to say if the tolerance of extreme members says anything about individual members of the group, as these movements are often very disorganized and non-hierarchical,” Debra Hunter, head of Stanford’s psychology department, said. “Usually they die out once a few leaders arise and turn the whole thing into a subscription media product.”
Discord Friend Sharing Deepest Feelings Really Fucking With Comms
BY WAR ROOM – Drew Valley, 33, is reportedly sharing some of his most intimate feelings and reflections on life with friends over Discord, absolutely fucking comms beyond belief.
“I guess I felt a lot of pressure to be a certain way, never showing weakness,” Valley reportedly said as the other team retreated and started to head to B. “I guess after I got married I’m realizing there’s more to being a man and husband than what I thought when I was young. You have to share how you’re feeling to be a good partner. Well, at least to some point, you don’t wanna be too soft… I’m dead and they planted the spike by the way.”
Topics crowding out comms reportedly included Valley’s decision to propose and what marriage means to him, supporting his wife through her recent layoff, and many other things instead of the fact a teammate was hearing footsteps all over the place.
“I love Drew, and it’s great to hear him opening up and trying to live his best, most full life,” Eric Ramon, a teammate and friend since elementary school, said. “At the same time, we’ve gone 0-3 since he started talking about his father’s death.”
“Drew’s dad sounds like he was a great guy, but I only have so many hours I can game a week,” he added.
Sources on the team report being mostly happy for Valley, despite the losing streak.
“I feel like he comes from a reserved family so it’s good he’s expressing himself. He’s my friend first and foremost and he told us all he’s doing much better after learning more about himself and what he wants from life,” Christian Baker said. “But legitimately what’s the point of playing if we’re not even going to try?”
At press time a new group chat was created to schedule gaming sessions which mysteriously did not include Valley.
Man Espousing Right-Wing Beliefs for First Time Sees Podcast Set Magically Forming Around Him
BY NO BS HQ – Dave Bernard, 33, has reportedly found himself surrounded by a professional podcast set and top-of-the-line audio/video recording equipment almost immediately after he began expressing right wing beliefs for the first time in his life, sources confirmed.
“Basically everyone gets to vote with their dollar. We all vote for the best game and the person who made it, they get the money. It’s voluntary,” Bernard said as a series of fully adjustable soft box lights popped up all around the room, lighting him perfectly during the monologue. “The Balatro guy is probably rich now – but we all handed over the money voluntarily. It’s not immoral for him to amass that wealth. Aren’t we happy he had the financial incentive and freedom to deliver us such a great game?”
Sources close to Bernard said his rant failed to mention any considerations of the massive government investments which made the individual gains of the lucky few possible, or any corporate welfare or government corruption which tips the scale in favor of those who have already succeeded at the expense of everyone else. They also mentioned that the metrics for Bernard’s rant were off the charts and someone needs to sign this guy right now because he’s going to be a star.
“Imagine waiting around for the games on Putin’s console,” Bernard added as his inbox flooded with offers from right wing subscription podcast networks. “Central planning cannot adequately deliver high quality games – or much of anything for that matter.”
Bernard’s first-ever expression of more right-leaning beliefs reportedly happened simultaneously with the booking and immediate sell out of a nationwide live podcast tour for the “Bernard ‘NO BS’ Hour.”
“People trade their time for money. So if you steal their catalytic converter, you’re stealing their time – their life.” Bernard said, signing off on a large shipment of ‘This Mug Contains No BS’ for subscribers. “Breaking into a car is murder and lethal force is fully justified.”
Experts say this isn’t the first time a hit podcast was created in this fashion.
“This is how new media stars are born. Although based on a quick scan of the material I fear this guy isn’t divisive enough to really make it to the top,” Allan Jefferys, head of Yale’s Journalism department. “I was stuck in traffic next to a guy ranting alone in his truck about immigration last week. By the time things on the freeway cleared up he was number one in the country. People want him to host the next presidential debate.”
At press time, Bernard reported a nosediving subscriber count after not being able to muster up an angry enough take for his newfound audience on the issue of women’s high school basketball.
