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Hard Digest April 26: Trump Trial, Early Access Krist Novoselic, Posers, Neoliberals, Excuses, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-27 00:00:06 +0000 UTCTrump Defense Attorney Grills Former National Enquirer Publisher on Whether or Not Elvis Was Spotted Alive Eating Moon Pies at Tennessee Gas Station
BY NEW YORK — Former President Trump’s Defense Attorney Emil Bove used his time cross-examining former National Enquirer Publisher David Pecker about whether or not Elvis was spotted alive in Tennessee in 2016, courtroom sources confirmed.
“I remember I was buying groceries and there was an old lady paying by check so it was taking forever. I saw the headline ‘The King Alive, Fatter Than Ever in Tennessee’ on the cover of National Enquirer and needed to know more,” said Emil Bove to reporters after the court adjourned in Trump’s hush money case. “Some of the reporting seemed pretty dubious. It focused a lot on how many moon pies the guy was eating, and talking about how he must be hiding a child bride. I asked Mr. Pecker if everything was triple-sourced and if he stood behind its journalistic integrity because I needed to know if it was actually Elvis. Not knowing the truth has been keeping me up at night.”
Pecker admitted he was surprised by the line of questioning he was subjected to.
“I was expecting a lot of questions about Stormy Daniels, but Mr. Bove spent three hours asking me about Lisa Marie Presley’s latest botched plastic surgery, if Bigfoot is an alien, and whether or not he can meet Bat Boy,” said Pecker. “I do know for a fact that Elvis is still alive, he’s on Ozempic and looks great for an 89-year-old. I actually had dinner with him last month at Charlie Sheen’s house. Lots of people were there, like Sinatra, and the half man, half alligator from the Florida swamps. We had a great time.”
Legal experts believe Bove is being very tactical in his defense of Trump.
“All you need is one member of the jury to side with the former president to get him acquitted. If Mr. Bove continues to confuse everyone with questions about space aliens voting for Bush, Elizabeth Taylor’s husbands, and whether or not OJ Simpson had a wild sexual encounter with ‘Price is Right’ girls they will forget what Trump is even on trial for,” said analyst Aurie Baling. “The only downside to this tactic is the fact that every time Mr. Bove mentions some sort of cryptid the former president chimes in saying something like ‘the Jersey Devil is a nasty woman, very rotund’ and the judge has to warn Mr. Trump to stay quiet.”
At press time, Bove announced he would be calling Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon to the stand next week.
Krist Novoselic Still Thinks Kurt Cobain Went to Live on a Farm
BY SEAN FALLON
SEATTLE — Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic revealed that he still believes Kurt Cobain went to live on a farm, despite passing away in 1994, confirmed sources who didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.
“It was a shock when I first heard it,” said Novoselic at a recent meet-up of bass players at a repurposed dog park. “But then I heard all about the farm and the other musicians and actors and politicians who lived there, and I thought that was a lovely place for Kurt to live. He never really showed any interest in farming or getting close to nature but a change would do him good. At least he’s not doing what David Bowie and Prince are doing and going undercover with the FBI to fight the Yakuza because that sounds dangerous.”
Former bandmate and current Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl was behind the decision to not give Novoselic the bad news and 30 years later he has no regrets.
“After Kurt died it was hard,” said Grohl. “But we all knew Krist would take it particularly badly so we thought screw it, let’s spare him the pain and we told him Kurt had moved to a farm upstate with lots of other singers he could jam with like Janis Joplin, Freddie Mercury, and The Big Bopper. We didn’t think he’d go for it but it made him happy even when we said we weren’t allowed to visit the farm because it’s too far away. The problem was that the farm idea really took root with him and now anyone who dies seems to be going to that same farm. Unless he doesn’t like them of course like Kissinger. Yeah, Kissinger went straight to Hell.”
Child psychologists say that this kind of white lie is perfectly suitable and highly effective when breaking heartbreaking news to bass players.
“A child or even an intelligent animal will eventually see through this kind of ruse,” said Dr. Eleanor Sanders of the American Association for Bass Player Psychology. “However, a bassist can believe and maintain this kind of fantasy indefinitely. We told Peter Hook that Ian Curtis had retired to a desert island after winning the lottery, which he wholeheartedly believed no matter how many interviewers ask him about Curtis’ suicide. As far as he knows, they’re all just jealous spoilsports and he goes home to write another letter to Ian that won’t be answered because he’s too busy learning to surf or whatever fantastic story we feed him.”
At press time, Novoselic revealed that he also believed the conspiracy that Courtney Love was responsible for sending him to the farm.
Poser Alert! Those Assholes From the “Punk” CD Compilation Were Paid Actors
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
There is something that’s been bothering me for nearly 20 years now, and I’m sure a few of you may have had sleepless nights over it too: that offensively tone-deaf “punk” compilation commercial. You know which one I’m talking about. It was already bad enough that the tracklist was laughable, but to see two punks betray the genre and shill this tripe to us was even more insulting.
But that’s when I discovered the horrible truth. They weren’t punks at all but paid actors!
You’re probably thinking surely no one would sink that low, but the unfortunate truth is that the evil masterminds behind this joke of a mix CD went out and hired two people to pretend to be gutter punks. For money, no less! Had they been real punks, they would’ve beat the shit out of the director on principle for including the Greg Kihn Band.
Go back and watch it, and you’ll see how they were lying to us in plain sight. Pay attention to how clean everything looks, from their skin to their shoes to whatever living room they’re allegedly supposed to be squatting in. Like, not even a single cigarette or empty whiskey bottle in sight? Red flag!
I don’t know what kind of psyop the suits at Westwood Promotions (a CIA front if there ever was one) was running, but paying these stooges to tell us Top 40 new wave and punk were synonymous is downright vile. I even have my doubts about their hair being real.
And to think I was starting to second guess my devotion to the scene! For half a second there I thought I’d missed some memo about Huey Lewis’ “I Want a New Drug” being punk, even ironically. I bet these two boneheads have never in their lives taken unmarked pills from a random guy at a basement show.
I’ve spent years trying to track these imposters, but have come up with nothing. I tried calling the 800 number and it just took me to a psychic hotline. I even went out to Westwood’s headquarters in Colorado Springs and it was just an empty strip mall! These maniacs could still be out there.
It goes without saying that if you encounter them, under no circumstances let them bum a smoke, hook them up with your dealer, or take any of their music recommendations. These posers deserve no quarter.
Neoliberal Couple Feels BLM Sign Really Ties 11 Bedroom, 6 Bath House Together
BY IAN STEFFÉ
SALEM, Mass. — Mallory and Piotr Rhodes proudly declared that the small, unassuming Black Lives Matter sign outside their sprawling 11-bedroom, 6-bath mansion is the final touch to reflect their politics and show a welcoming haven for those similarly minded, multiple neighbors who publicly share the exact feelings confirmed.
“We were just so inspired by the movement, you know? We wanted to be part of the change and show the world we are committed to progressive values,” Mrs. Rhodes explained while clutching a $299 bag of fair-trade coffee. “And we adore the diversity here. Like I’m part Italian on my grandfather’s side and I found out a lot of the neighbors have similar mixed-race backgrounds. Like the Klein’s across the street, one of them has a grandfather from Spain. Then there’s another family? I think they’re Chinese? I don’t know, we’ve waved hello to them. We love them. Whatever they’re doing. It’s great.
Chloe St. Onge, the realtor who introduced the happy couple to the location, raved about the many features of the sprawling property.
“There’s so much to LOVE in this progressive oasis” gushed St. Onge. “The open kitchen and sizable dining room for entertaining where Mallory has her book club meetings. There’s a recording studio Piotr has been using to record an Afro-rock album that sounds like Vampire Weekend, but with an edge. The ‘girl boss’ office space where Mallory’s portraits of Frida Kahlo, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Elizabeth Warren are displayed. Even the media center features a state-of-the-art system where guests can enjoy movies like ‘Crash’ and ‘Green Book.’”
However, not everyone in the neighborhood is impressed. Guillermo Sanchez, a third generation resident of The Point seemed skeptical of the intentions of the Rhodes.
“It’s a shame what they’ve done to this place,” Mr. Sanchez lamented, looking through the high iron bars surrounding the property. “Like up the street at our community church. We had book drives. Dances. It was the heartbeat of the neighborhood to help the kids, and people who were having a hard time. But since these people movies they call the cops to file a noise complaint about us every time we have an event. We usually wrap up by 7 p.m. but that’s still too late for them apparently.”
As of press time, the couple has briefly taken down the sign but promises to have it back up as soon as Mr. Rhodes’ father is done with his Senate reelection race.
“I’m Intermittent Fasting” And 10 Other Lies to Tell Your Friends When You’re Too Hungover to Eat
BY JOHN ADKINS
You did it again. The allure of drinking until you blackout was just too tempting, so here you are on another Tuesday, waking up at 4 p.m. with a hangover so bad you think your skeleton might explode. Your friends want to grab a bite to eat, but you know if you touch anything that resembles food for the next hour you’re going to ralph and your so-called friends will stage another intervention. Here are 10 quick lies to keep in your pocket so they don’t suspect a thing.
“Oh, No Thank You––I Actually Ripped SO MUCH Ozempic on the Way here”
Trust us, your friends will be SUPER impressed that you had the funds to score some Ozempic. And if they aren’t, they’ll be so friggin’ jealous of your new “self-care” routine that it’ll send ‘em into a shame spiral for the ages. Yep! Dinner’s canceled––let’s all go home and drink some hot water.
“Yeah, I Think Those PBRs Gave Me Food Poisoning or Something.”
Ok, the “food poisoning” excuse can be a little flimsy, especially because your friends are acutely aware of the fact that you ate absolutely NOTHING last night and went straight for the brewskis. So that’s why we’re doubling down by blaming your food poisoning on the PBRs. And if anyone tells you that it’s impossible to get food poisoning from some beers you just say, “Hey Brian. I know for A FACT that you got food poisoning last week from that beer-battered cod at Long John Silvers. And why were you so quick to blame the fish? Maybe it was the beer batter! Are you anti-fish, Brian? Are you?” Look, Brian probably won’t be your friend anymore, but at least no one will wanna coerce you into eating.
“Andrew Huberman Says That Eating Isn’t Actually That Good for You”
Cut the crap. We know you’ve been bragging to your friends about all the “studies” you’ve been “reading.” And by “reading” we mean listening to podcasts from which you retain zero information. So while you’re at it, you might as well drop this little nugget from Dr. Huberman. It’ll either totally impress your friends or send your buddy Brian on a super boring tangent about zone two cardio. Either way, no one will even notice that you’ve slipped away to vomit into a Chipotle guac container.
“You Guys Need FOOD for SUSTENANCE? That’s So Soft”
Now, this is where you need to be ready to drop your manifesto about living in a post-food reality. While the rest of your friends chomp on so called “protein,” you need to be talking about how you’re subsisting off of vibes (so much Pedialyte) alone like the biohacking badass that you are. It doesn’t matter if your spiel doesn’t make any sense. What matters is that your friends don’t ever wanna eat food in front of you ever again.
“How DARE You Eat When Insert Literally Any Global Crisis Is Going On?”
Look, if the world’s going to shit, you might as well use it to your personal gain! Plus! This excuse will make you look like a really cool and awesome person (totally and inherently self-righteous). So yeah, when you drop this suck on your friends, you’ll either guilt them into chucking their açaí bowls in the trash or kill the vibe so hard that you’ll magically send everyone into a depression nap.
“I’m Not Hungry But Here! Let Me Buy You a Snack!”
If you don’t make it to the restaurant and need to tell your friend to pull over so that you can discreetly blow chunks in a gas station bathroom, this excuse is perfect. Everybody knows you gotta buy a snack to get access to the puke palace, so you might as well feed your hungry friend in the process! They can’t ask you questions about why you’re still rockin’ your piss-stained skinny jeans when they’re munchin’ on Corn Nuts! Oh! And you should buy them a Liquid Death cuz we just learned that those suckers are actually just sparkling water and not ballistic, gasoline-infused energy drinks.
“If I’m Eating, How Can I Tell You My Story About How I Bought a Sentient Being on Temu Last Week?”
Ok, so we’re not super sure if this one will work. But hey, we’d LOVE to see you try it out. Just tell your friends that you were trying to buy a pair of knockoff AirPods on Temu, and next thing you know a fucking alien chrysalis pops up on your doorstep and guess what? It hatches immediately and now you’re responsible for a random-ass alien named “Maurice.” And, apparently you can’t send Maurice back. That’s not a Temu rule, but it IS a Maurice Rule.
“I Just Haven’t Been Eating Since ‘Cowboy Carter’ Dropped”
WHO’S GONNA GO AGAINST BEYONCE? WHO? I mean, probably your stupid friend Brian.
“According to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve Already Eaten Enough Food This Year”
So we’re not sure if our gal Gwyneth actually said this, but the subtext is that you are now the kind of person who eats a single almond for dessert and buys stuff from a skincare brand that rhymes with poop. And yeah. None of your friends gonna want to dine with you ever again.
“I’m Saving My Appetite for a Big, Fat, Healthy Salad Later”
Your friends might’ve dragged you to a godforsaken Sweetgreen, but that doesn’t matter because you’re about to tell your friends about a salad so big and so healthy, it’s gonna have both macro AND micro greens. And NO DRESSING because that’s how healthy THIS fucker’s gonna be. And yeah, it’s gonna be like 90 percent Kale and Swiss chard. So much chard. By the time you’re done explaining this salad to your friends, it’s gonna make their miso glazed salmon look like beer-battered Long John Silvers cod. So take that, BRIAN.
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J.K. Rowling Explains Goblin Rebellions Were About States’ Rights
BY EDINBURGH, Scotland. — J.K. Rowling is once again under fire after claiming the Goblin Rebellions in the Harry Potter canon were about states’ rights.
Rowling, whose claim to fame is authoring the Harry Potter series, started the spat when she posted about some in-universe lore on her Twitter account.
“All these liberals are constantly accusing me of being a cruel unloved TERF who despite her enormous wealth will never achieve happiness,” wrote Rowling. “But what they don’t realize is that the Goblin Rebellions were actually just about land disputes between the wizarding states.”
Harry Potter lore expert Katherine Bongino replied to her post, arguing the facts did not support that claim.
“With all due respect, Mrs. Rowling, there’s a truckload of evidence that the Goblin Rebellions started because of the enslavement of goblins. The declarations of war by both the goblins and the wizards specifically mentioned it. Also, is it just me or are the hook-nosed, money-loving goblins kind of an antisemitic stereotype?”
“Kill yourself,” Rowling responded before turning off replies.
Rowling’s publisher, Little, Brown, and Company, issued a statement in defense of the author. “Mrs Rowling is a genius author, whose tremendous ability should not be questioned. In the years she has worked with us, she has generated tens of millions of dollars and a few middling books, we’re told. If Mrs. Rowling says the ‘googahs’ fought the wizards for land, then that’s what happened. Now please stop distracting her, we need her to focus her attention on finishing her next book ‘The Evil Man in the Dress Who Tweeted Mean Things at Smart Authors and Killed All the Women’“
At press time, Rowling has moved on from discussing Harry Potter to explaining why she thinks the Holocaust didn’t happen.
Biden Approves Gamer Relief Plan After Category 5 Kotaku Review Hits Twitter
BY WHITE HOUSE — President Biden officially signed the RPG (Relief and Protection for Gamers) Act today as the widespread destruction and pain caused by an 8/10 review posted on Kotaku continued to dominate headlines, international aid groups confirmed today.
“The review said some things I agreed with, but not exactly. I would have worded it a little differently,” one of the most affected gamers said in his unlivable apartment with furniture turned upside down and trash thrown about. “It’s going to take me years to rebuild and get back on my feet.”
First responders as well as United Nations monitors on the ground had reportedly thought the review would be considered a category 1, or maybe just considered a particularly hot take, and are now struggling to set up a base of operations to intake and process hordes of gamers who tried to ride out the review’s publication.
“A lot of them are in rough shape. They come in mumbling to themselves. ‘Uncensored, patched out graffiti, the bus was good marketing’ – none of it makes sense. We need more resources,” Luke Franks, spokesperson for the National Guard, said. “I mean just getting them hydrated and eating a solid three meals a day is a problem.”
“Most of these guys come in essentially nocturnal,” he added.
According to experts, hundreds of thousands of gamers are expected to be emotionally displaced after the publication of the generally pretty positive review.
“They have no where to go. It’s not clear if neighboring entertainment-based identities have the infrastructure required to support such a large migration on short notice,” Dr. Tammi Givens, head of UCLA’s political science department, said. “It’s almost all men. But the real problem is just the sheer number of plushies they bring with them; it’s just not logistically feasible.”
At press time it was reported several congresspeople were celebrating large stock market wins after they placed bets on gaming related companies before the aid was announced.
