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Hard Digest April 22: Early Access The Smiths Reunion?, Criterion Closet, Boomers, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-23 00:00:04 +0000 UTCMorrissey, Johnny Marr Pretend Not to See Each Other at Grocery Store
BY TIM GRAHAM
MANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each other, sources hoping for an impromptu reunion confirmed.
“I was gobsmacked,” said Mancunian Nigel Atkinson, who was shopping at the time the two rock legends showed up. “There I was, considering tins of kippers, when who should walk down the aisle but Johnny Fucking Marr. And if that weren’t enough, from my other side comes the man himself, Steven Patrick Morrissey. I was hoping to witness a Marr-Moz reconciliation there in my own Tesco. But the two acted as though they didn’t see each other and passed in silence. Gutted, I was. Shame them coupla twats can’t mend fences.”
Guitarist Johnny Marr admits he saw the former Smiths singer in the shop, but purposefully ignored him.
“I’ve given up on the minger,” said Marr while tossing darts at a “Bona Drag” poster. “Each time I extend the olive branch, that obstinate prat dredges up some ancient grievance and sends the whole thing tumbling again. Aye, I saw his royal majesty coming up the aisle with his trolley full of kale. I pretended not to notice him, picked out a jar of brown sauce and moved along. I did catch a nauseating whiff of Brylcreem as I passed, which is a scent I now abhor given the associations I have with it. To hell with him and his wilting pompadour.”
Margaret Dunwich, relationship therapist and author of “Oh Shit, I Think That’s My Ex,” sees parallels between ex-romantic partners and bandmates who split acrimoniously.
“Morrissey and Marr are acting similarly to former lovers: holding grudges, avoiding each other in public and disparaging each other with gossip,” said Dunwich. “My advice to them would be to bury the hatchet. They should meet for a pint and have a cordial chat. Maybe even broach the idea of getting the band back together, eh? In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I am a massive Smiths fan and to see them together on stage again would be the highlight of my dreary life, but I assure you that has nothing to do with my professional opinion.”
At press time, rampant speculation circulated concerning who would show up when Roger Waters and David Gilmour were both invited to Geezer Butler’s annual BBQ.
The Next Criterion Closet? Here’s Our DVD Haul From Goodwill
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
It’s hard to believe it, but we had the privilege to take our picks from the Plymouth, MN Goodwill’s meticulously curated wall of used DVDs. It was overwhelming but we managed to walk away with a tote full of stone-cold classics.
Still Waiting…
The fact that most of the original cast “Waiting” refused to return inadvertently drives home the film’s themes about the cyclical, ever-changing nature of the hospitality industry and life itself. Plus it has Andy Milonakis rapping, which in the early years of the Obama administration was considered the zenith of comedy.
Nine Copies of Ella Enchanted
A fascinating and underrated fantasy film, it serves as a bridge in Anne Hathaway’s career connecting “The Princess Diaries “and “The Devil Wears Prada”. Even more fascinating is that the checkout clerk insisted we take all of their copies, which we assume will make more room for the ten copies of Ella Enchanted that were just donated.
Matrix Reloaded (Full Screen Version)
Fuck, we mean to get widescreen! God this looks like shit. It’s like watching a movie through a magnifying glass. Why did they bother to create a version like this?
Yoga Booty Ballet: Hip Hop Abs
Swerve Studios’ influential workout videos were like if Kieślowski’s “Three Colours” trilogy was about aerobic-yoga fusion. The third in the series combined the serene fluidity of ballet and the self-discipline of yoga in a manner that looks like your mom trying to exercise after four mimosas at brunch. Five stars.
Pulp Fiction
You haven’t seen Pulp Fiction? It’s easily Tarantino’s best film, nobody was making movies like this in the early 90’s. You should come over and watch it sometime. I swear to God it’s going to change your life. Oh, wait, I just opened the case and there’s a Veggie Tales disc inside. That happens a lot.
Delta Farce
It’s no secret that this homage to Full Metal Jacket completely derailed the career of Larry the Cable Guy. Some critics will tell you they walked out of screenings because it was “mind-numbingly bad”, but you’ll rarely see a more accurate depiction of what kind of people actually make up our armed forces. It’s like “Come and See” but with more fart jokes.
The Bounty Hunter
Wait, Jennifer Aniston is in this? We could’ve sworn it was Katherine Heigel. Maybe we were thinking of “The Ugly Truth” which also has Gerard Butler. Though now that we open the case it says “One for the Money”, in which Heigel is the bounty hunter. Jesus, how many bounty hunter rom coms are there?
24: The Complete Sixth Season (Blue CD-R Variant)
One has to admire the fact someone was able to fit all 24 episodes of season six onto one CD and has its own bespoke cover art (a post-it note shoved inside the plastic sleeve). But despite the fact that it’s clearly ripped from The Pirate Bay and we can only watch it on our computer, it’s easily one of the network counter-terrorism dramas of all time.
Boomer Furious After Having Car Misgendered
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
LANSING, Mich. — Local 72-year-old conservative Gerald Wakowski was on the verge of a complete meltdown after a passerby misgendered his coveted ‘77 Ford Mustang, concerned neighbors have reported.
“I never thought the woke mind virus would come to my driveway until this liberal dipshit walked by and had the gall to insinuate my lovey, beloved Pony was a fucking boy. Does anything about the contours of this waxed up beauty make it look like a man?” said Wakowski. “Does this kid think I’d spend 40 years meticulously greasing gears and waxing the hood if I thought it was a dude? Call me old fashioned but back in my day we knew automatics were girls and stick shifts were boys.”
Wakoski’s new neighbor who made the comment was at a loss as to what could possibly trigger such an aggressive response.
“All I said was ‘look at this bad boy’ when I walked past his car, and next thing I know he comes sprinting out of his garage and starts screaming about his car always being a ‘she’ and that he isn’t a fruitcake. It really sounds like he wants to fuck his car,” said Chris Williams. “Even sadder was seeing his wife behind him with her eyes glazed over, like she’s heard him go on this rant more than a few times. I’d be checked out too if my spouse spent all of his free time fondling an inanimate object.”
While Wakowski’s stance on his vehicle’s assigned gender seemed extreme, experts noted that classic car owners are weirdly attached to them.
“Classic and vintage cars are insured and cared for way different from the ones we drive every day, which is probably why their owners develop a symbiotic relationship with them and in some cases treat them better than their own family members. It’s like when people make those creepy dolls and act like they’re real children,” said State Farm agent Julie Smith. “And believe me, our agents have received more than an earful during claims if we don’t use their Firebird’s preferred pronouns. It’s at a point where we have to include language in our contracts stating they can’t claim their cars as dependents.”
As of press time, Wakowski has spent the last 13 hours assigning genders to everything in his garage before kissing his car goodnight.
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“Gotta Keep My Fingers Clean,” Says Gamer Eating Face First out of Dorito Trough
BY JULIA SHEBEK
NEW YORK — According to close friends of Dylan Rocco, 36, the local gamer has reportedly been attempting to keep his fingers clean while gaming by eating Doritos directly out of a trough.
“He kept saying it was of the utmost importance that he keep his hands clean so his keyboard could stay in pristine condition,” said Sarah Yorke, Rocco’s housemate. “He’d tell me that through a mouthful of chips, seemingly unaware that the front of his shirt was so covered in cheese dust that I couldn’t tell what color it originally was.”
Reporters reached out to Rocco in order to verify the information and to ask why the keyboard was of such high priority.
“Look, man, this keyboard was like, seventy dollars. And it lights up! I gotta protect that. I stand by my actions. Besides, I’m actually a really clean guy,” said Rocco, wiping Dorito grease off his desk. “I lost my dignity a long time ago anyway, when I picked up League of Legends.”
William Parker, President of Marketing at Razer, acknowledged the problem in a press release after hearing of the story.
“We at Razer are absolutely aware of the demand for better ways to keep your peripherals in good condition. That’s why we’re excited to announce our newest accessory, the Razer Snack Trough,” said Parker in the press release. “Equipped with RGB Lighting, gamers will be able to snack in the dark, without getting any crumbs on their hands.”
At press time, Rocco was thrilled to learn he could eat Doritos with chopsticks instead.
Boeing Expresses Condolences in Advance of Second Whistleblower’s Suicide
BY ARLINGTON, VA – The official Boeing Twitter account posted an announcement today expressing its condolences for the death of the second whistleblower in their lawsuit, who they expect to commit suicide later this week.
“We’re so sorry to hear about former Boeing engineer Sam Salehpour’s upcoming tragic suicide,” the post read. “Everyone here at the Boeing family is going to miss him so much. A ‘we’ll miss you’ card has been sent to him, and we wish his family all the best.”
Salehpour, the whistleblower, first came into the public eye after he told the world Boeing was using defective parts and shady manufacturing practices in the construction of their airplanes. We reached him for comment on his new life as a public figure.
“I think someone’s been trying to assassinate me,” he wrote. “I keep having to put out suspicious fires at my house, a bald man in a suit holding a piano wire keeps asking me if I’d like to go to a private area with him, and I even got a letter in the mail with free tickets to fly on the window seat of a Boeing plane.”
A Boeing engineer who wished to remain anonymous reached out to us to explain that Salehpour had actually worked in one of Boeing’s most regulation-compliant factories.
“Where I worked, there was Krazy Glue everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t use that to build the planes, we just huffed it. We borrowed some glue sticks from the local elementary school for construction. Actually, that school does around 50% of our construction, they think it’s arts and crafts. Mrs. Simon’s 3rd graders are pretty good at it, most of the parts that fail were built by us.”
At press time, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun was spotted marching towards Salehpour’s home with a flamethrower, which he claimed was for an unrelated viral cooking trend.
Amazon’s Fallout Show Criticized for Lack of Rummaging
BY JON RUGGIERO
Culver City, Calif. – Though the series has been praised by some for its storytelling and references to the rest of the franchise, some Fallout fans are criticizing the new Amazon Prime show because characters aren’t stopping to loot every container they see.
Since half of each episode’s runtime isn’t dedicated to seeing if there’s bullets in a radroach carcass, Fallout die-hards have taken to the internet to levy complaints.
“Who the hell did they put in charge of this show,” posits Vault77King, a self-proclaimed fan commenting under a YouTube trailer for the show. “This is almost everything I want in a Fallout show, from the setting to the plots that play out like real Fallout quests. This one nitpick, however, ruins the entire goddamn thing for me. If Lucy isn’t scouring every container and refrigerator for RadX and caps, what the hell are we even doing here?”
Another fan, MistressMystery49, also took offense to the show’s lack of looting mechanics.
“This thing’s really lacking in ransacking. I cried from joy when I saw a Mr. Handy voiced by Matt Berry, because it looked as perfect as it could without physically constructing the robot, but I really can’t stand this. Not one scene where Maximus can’t fast travel because he picked up every power relay coil he found to repair his power armor? Bullshit, I could’ve written a scene like that in my tranquilizer-induced sleep!”
Experts say this reaction is becoming more common.
“We’re already seeing some comments on Margot Robbie’s announced Monopoly movie,” Dan Franken, head of the NYU’s film department, said. “People say it’s unrealistic because it doesn’t have a 6+ hour runtime.”
As of press time, Fallout showrunners were continuing to wonder if anything will please Fallout fans.
Comments
Sam Garchik
The criterion post is the funniest thing I've ever read. Omfg. My boomer parents only buy their dvds from the goodwill and they are sitting on a veritable gold mine of quality.
