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Hard Digest April 21: Early Access Ruby Soho, Nostalgia, Health Insurance, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-22 00:00:06 +0000 UTCRuby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 Million
BY NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.
“Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got rid of the wallpaper, painted over the graffiti, and used the place to store my collection of Victorian-Era furniture for the last 20 years. But I realized it’s time to move on, and I’m happy to see a good monetary return from all the time I put into the place.”
Neighbors admitted they were upset with Davis for letting her apartment go for such a small amount.
“I’ve owned an apartment in that building since the 1970s. The city paid me $400 a month to live there for years because the neighborhood was so bad. Thankfully, things turned around and I’ve been able to rent it out for $12k a month to a Russian oligarch while his daughter goes to NYU,” said landlord Russ Kehoe. “I wouldn’t let this thing go for less than $6 million. Ruby selling her apartment for so cheap is a slap in the face to all the hard-working property owners of this city. Well, I don’t actually live in ‘the city’ anymore. I’ve been living in Florida since 2006.”
The apartment was bought by a real estate investment firm that plans to convert the 800-square-foot apartment into five luxury micro units.
“We plan on blocking off the natural light from the bay window and using LED panels to mimic daylight in each unit. These micro apartments will be outfitted with all the amenities you need. Like a single burner hot plate, a micro-fridge that can hold up to two cans of sparkling water, and enough space for you to stand up and turn around comfortably without getting stuck between the walls,” said developer Leslie Holcomb. “Also, the floor doubles as a mattress, so if you are less than six feet tall, then you can lay down and almost extend your legs fully. Plus, the shared bathroom located at a Starbucks three blocks away is perfect for when you want a coffee right after brushing your teeth.”
At press time, the apartment featured in the Rancid video for “Time Bomb” will reportedly be the new home of a John Varvatos luxury retail store.
Opinion: Things Need to Go Back to an Idealized Fictional Version of How They Never Were (Guest Column by Your Brother-in-Law)
BY Let’s be honest: the ‘50s were the best time in America. And yeah I know what you’re gonna say, so before you get all pissy, no, I’m not talking about segregation. That was bad. Obviously. And no, I’m not talking about the lack of women’s rights. Obviously, I love women. Especially the hot ones. My mother is a woman, and so is my sister, so I’m pretty much an expert on the female experience. But this country has changed for the worse over the past 70 years. Something has changed, something I can’t really put my finger on. Or say out loud. Because all I want is for America to be how she should be: Literally whatever I want.
America is and always has been perfect. Except for the government, big cities, and the fact I can’t afford my diabetes medication. But other than that, it’s perfect. I will lose my shit if you criticize the red, white, and blue. And while technically when I complain about the things, I am also criticizing it, that’s different. Because I’m me and I’m a real American and I saw these things out of love, a love so deep that it’s almost scary. And no, I don’t mean anything racist by “real American” but also please don’t ask me to define it.
I’m part of a dying breed. Real, rugged men. I would defend this country with my life, despite evidence to the contrary, such as the fact that I never joined the military during the multiple wars that have happened in my lifetime. But just saying that I would, makes me a true patriot.
Back in the day, men were men. And women were women. And because I have done no research I can only assume that up until about 1995, nobody was gay, trans, or anything else that I don’t understand. Please don’t tell anyone those things scare me. Because then, due to my lack of emotional intelligence or maturity, I will threaten violence. Which of course I will barely be able to follow through on, as my combative training consists of watching lots of MMA videos alone when I’m sauced. I’m just thankful I have my guns.
And finally, I wanna go back to when real country, not Beyonce, was on the radio. Back when we knew what country music was: pop songs about shitty parties in the woods sung by someone who, sure if we’re gonna be honest, isn’t from the south and doesn’t actually have an accent, but serves up that drawl thicker than the women I harass on Instagram.
That’s the America that I miss because it never really existed. And I want to live in it again, for the first time. Again.
Woman Jealous of Cat’s Health Insurance
BY LOS ANGELES – Local millennial woman, Jane Torrio was left stunned and envious after discovering how much easier, effective, and better her cat’s health insurance was compared to her own, similarly frustrated sources confirmed.
“When Pickles started having a weird cough, I put off calling her Vet for weeks—which is exactly what I do when I get sick,” said Torrio. “When I called to make an appointment they said we could come in the next day. This blew me away because when I had strep throat, which the internet says can spread to your brain and turn you into a zombie, my doctor said they could ‘fit me in’ in four fucking weeks. To top it off, Pickle’s Vet office confirmed in one simple sentence that her visit was fully covered under insurance that I forget I even pay for, that’s how little it costs. I might try to take advantage of this and ask the Vet if any of the animal vaccines work on humans because my insurance company says they don’t cover preventative care.”
Veterinarian, Dr. Lee Schneider says a lot of pet parents find themselves wishing they had such comprehensive care.
“My practice has been noticing an interesting trend where a lot of owners will bring their perfectly healthy pets in with pretty bizarre ailments. I had one patient brought in because they ate mistletoe….in July? And upon realizing the pet is perfectly fine the owner will usually ask me to inspect an irregular mole on their backside ‘since they’re here anyway’ or they’ll just stick out their tongue unprompted. And ask if it looks okay?” said Dr. Schnieder. “Just yesterday I was called for a pet emergency that included a 34-year-old woman with IBS.”
Karen Stone, a California State Senator says it’s her personal mission to make sure pets all over this country have the best healthcare possible.
“I want to ensure every whisker, wagging tail, and saggy nipple is in good health in this great country. No pet should have to go without care in this country,” said Senator Stone. “With that said, I believe Medicare for All or any similar Obamacare-type dupes are bad for America. Our country supports lazy people enough as it is and to assume that we have the resources to pay for all your health bills is frankly insulting. But a happy pet makes a happy owner and happy people aren’t as sick. Which is why I know my mission to focus on pet healthcare will have ripple effects in the community.”
At press time, Torrio reported that Pickles was given medication for ADHD and anxiety and that she’s already been feeling much better.
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