thehardtimes posts
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MVP: Nada Surf "Popular"
There is nothing more important than being popular, but the second most important thing is listening to the latest episode of MVP where we discuss the music video for Nada Surf's "Popular" and take all their advice. We still don't have any friends.Watch the music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h...
Hard Digest January 22: Early Access Explosions in the Sky, Rockabilly, Custody, and More
Explosions in the Sky Derides Nation’s Recent Drop in Stirring Sports Movie OutputBy Jason ClemenceAUSTIN, Texas — Members of the instrumental post-rock band Explosions in the Sky condemned Hollywood’s current lack of emotionally resonant sports movies that would be enhanced by a score consisting of the group’s...
Hard Digest January 21: Elon, Biden, Early Access Shoegaze, Joint Supplements, United Airlines, and More
People Elon Musk Pays to Be His Friends Ask For Raise Before Agreeing to Defend Nazi SaluteBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — The collection of white dorks that make up Elon Musk’s entourage asked for a significant raise if they are expected to publicly defend their boss from criticism following Musk’s Nazi salu...
Hard Digest January 20: Early Access Disturbed, Instagram, Winter, and More
Disturbed Reveal “Down with the Sickness” Also a Simon and Garfunkel CoverBy Steve PackoskyCHICAGO — Nu-Metal band Disturbed revealed their 2000 hit “Down with the Sickness” was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover much like their 2015 hit “The Sound of Silence,” surprised sources reported.“Yeah, not very m...
Hard Digest January 19: Melania's Hat, Nazi Salutes, Early Access Milo, Rodents, Stephen Miller, and More
Nazi Saluting Elon Musk Sees Spike in Approval Rating Amongst School ShootersBy Ben FriedmanWASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s double Nazi salute during today’s inauguration parade led to a tidal wave of approval amongst the nation’s potential school shooters, online forums indicated.“It’s been hard dealing with bein...
Hard Digest January 18: Early Access Questlove, Pandemic Albums, and Retirement
Questlove Wonders What He Must Have Done in Past Life to be Forced to Listen to Jimmy Fallon Every Night for Past 15 YearsBy Doug KolicNEW YORK — Ahmir K. Thompson, better known as Questlove from the band The Roots, recently questioned what kind of horrible person he was in a past life to have been forced to work for...
Hard Digest January 17: Early Access Opening Bands, David Lynch, Elon Musk, and More
Opening Band Thinks It’s Really Important You Know Their Bass Player’s Name is SteveBy Ed SaincomePORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local opening band Eyeball Soup thought it was crucial that the audience know their bassist’s name is Steve, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.“As the sin...
Hard Digest January 16: David Lynch, Village People, IDF Soldiers, Early Access Widows, Reservations, J.D. Vance, and More
David Lynch Dead at 78, or in the White Lodge, or Maybe the Whole Thing Is Just a Dream, We’re Not SureBy Dan RiceDavid Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe. We think. It’s also possible that he ha...
MVP: Aerosmith "Crazy"
If you love bad music then Aerosmith is the band for you. Today we break down the classic video for "Crazy" featuring Alicia Silverstone and an underage Liv Tyler stripping. Not weird at all. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMNgbISmF4I
Hard Digest January 15: Early Access Dipshits, 2026, Childhood Trauma, and More
Dipshit Out on Walk With Headphones Definitely Picturing Self in Opening Scene of MovieBy Joe RumrillWEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the music he was listening to, sickened sources confirmed.“I...
Hard Digest January 14: Early Access Drummers, Pets, NYPD, and More
Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for LunchBy Jeff BenderLAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where they stop for lunch, sources reported.“Usually it’s Tongue [McSwayne], our f...
Hard Digest January 13: Early Access Dimmu Borgir, Wahlburgers, Mattresses, and More
Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is AcceptableBy Steve PackoskyPHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers, sources confirmed.“Yeah man, I’ve been a fan of black metal f...
Hard Digest January 12: Early Access Merch Guys, Ween, Kissinger, and More
Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom MirrorBy Evan VestSANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of The Catalyst, confirmed sources who skipped washing their hands to avoid disturbing him.“As a merchan...
Hard Digest January 11: Early Access Shania Twain, Burger King, Free Spirits, and More
Report: Most Women Gain Hulk-Like Strength Upon Hearing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman”By Ben FriedmanTORONTO — The University of Toronto announced a breakthrough study that showed playing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” resulted in women suddenly gaining Hulk-like strength and speed, ...
Hard Digest January 10: Early Access Steve Aoki, Jimmy Fallon, BDSM, and More
Local Baker Watches in Horror as Steve Aoki Throws Cake They Worked on For Hours at InfluencerBy Evan VestLAS VEGAS — Local baker Phillip Throgmorton watched in horror as a beautiful cake he had worked on for hours was carelessly thrown into the face of a popular influencer by renown DJ Steve Aoki, sources close to t...
Hard Digest January 9: Wildfires, Early Access Vegans, Radiohead, Hippies, and More
Biden Takes Immediate Action On Los Angeles Wildfires By Sending New Weapons Package to IsraelBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons package to Israel.“Listen Jack, what’s happe...
MVP: Billy Idol "White Wedding"
It's a nice day for a new podcast. This week we cover the "classic" Billy Idol video "White Wedding" that has so much going on that it actually has nothing going on. Listen with your family.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAZQaYKZMTI
Hard Digest January 8: Early Access Eminem CDs, Billy Joel, Audiophiles, and More
Aging Millennial Instinctively Still Hides Eminem CDs From ParentsBy Tim SheardPONCA CITY, Okla. — Local 36-year-old Shane McThomason recently admitted he still instinctively hides his Eminem CDs whenever his parents visit him, confirmed sources who impulsively did the same.“‘The Marshall Mathers LP’ is the fir...
Hard Digest January 7: Early Access Weezer, Therapy, Selling Souls, and More
Dad Catches Daughter and Boyfriend in Back Seat of Car Listening to Weezer’s “Raditude”By Matt OrienteCHICAGO — Local dad Patrick Larken caught his oldest daughter in the backseat of her boyfriend’s fogged-up Toyota Corolla singing along to Weezer’s seventh studio album “Raditude,” confirmed sources.“...
Hard Digest January 6: Early Access Crust Punks, Midnight Trains, Metal Shirts, and More
Residents of Crust Punk House Completely Unaware They’ve Been Transported to the Cenobite DimensionBy Steve PackoskyTHE LABYRINTH — Residents of a crust punk house were seemingly unaware that they were inhabiting the Cenobite dimension, terrified sources confirmed.“I woke up around noon, which is early for me,”...
Hard Digest January 5: Early Access CIA, Billy Corgan, Hydration, and More
CIA Installs New Frontman When Punk Band Becomes Too PoliticalBy Dan KozuhWASHINGTON — Frontman Abha Alvarez of punk band Kissinger’s Prostate disappeared suddenly and was replaced with unknown musician Holden Everett mid-tour after Alvarez performed a new song “Red, White, and Profit” targeting American imperi...
Hard Digest January 4: Early Access Dee Snider, Divorce, Drone Metal, and More
Dee Snider Celebrates 40 Years of Inexplicably Being Seen as Some Sort of Metal IconBy Tim SheardNEW YORK — Metal frontman and former singer of Twisted Sister Dee Snider celebrated four decades of being seen as a metal icon for no discernible reason, sources confirmed.“Ever since I testified before the Parents Musi...
Hard Digest January 3: Early Access Henry Rollins, Hometowns, Vape Mechanics, and More
Bored Henry Rollins Hires Guy Off TaskRabbit to Interview Him for a Few HoursBy James KnappNASHVILLE, Tenn. — Continuous go-getter Henry Rollins recently employed the services of a TaskRabbit professional to ask him questions about his varied projects and interests in order to kill a few spare hours on a rainy Thursd...
Hard Digest January 2: Early Access Opening Bands, BBQ Chex Mix, Sober Influencers, and More
Local Punk Scene Thrown Into Turmoil After Opening Band Leaves Right After Playing Their SetBy Matt OrienteBLUE ISLAND, Ill. – Opening band Abridged Aversion left the local punk scene in a tailspin when they immediately departed following their 15-minute set instead of sticking around to support the other bands on th...
MVP: Fatboy Slim "Weapon of Choice"
New Year, same podcast. This week Bill and Dan break down a classic video for an extremely forgettable song. Try to remember the melody of this song, we guarantee you can't. Listen now.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCDIYvFmgW8
Hard Digest January 1: Early Access Black Metal, Dark Side of the Moon, AC/DC, and More
Black Metal Band Therapist Suggests Series of Team-Building Church Burning ActivitiesBy Steve PackoskyOSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.“This will play an integral role in getting the b...
Hard Digest December 31: Early Access Ball Drop, Puppeteers, Band Recommendations, and More
Chaos in Times Square as Millions of Baby Spiders Hatch From NYE BallBy Ben FriedmanNEW YORK — Chaos and panic overwhelmed Times Square after the famous New Year’s Eve ball unexpectedly hatched causing revelers to be showered with millions of spiders, sources at the scene have confirmed.“This black, ambiguous mas...
Hard Digest December 30: Jimmy Carter, Early Access Clown, Frank Zappa, New Year's Losers, and More
Car Racing, Prostitutes, and Mountains of Cocaine: A Breakdown of Jimmy Carter’s Final DaysBy Dan RiceToday the world continues to mourn Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President, Nobel Prize recipient and noted humanitarian, who died yesterday at the age of 100. He leaves behind a legacy of exemplary statesmanship, charit...
Hard Digest December 29: Early Access Red Hot Chili Peppers, Disarming With A Smile, and Tony Hawk
Elderly Man Falls for Old “Red Hot Chili Peppers CD Stuffed into a Flaming Bag at Front Door” GagBy Chris BowenALBION, N.Y. — Local curmudgeon Hadwin McKlusky fell victim to a vicious prank played by neighborhood kids in which they placed a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD into a bag and set it ablaze on his front porch,...
Hard Digest December 28: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Gender Equity, Body Wash, and More
Dave Mustaine Starts Second, Rival Retirement Organization After Being Kicked Out of AARPBy Steve PackoskyLA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), sources report.“I didn’t do ...
