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Hard Digest January 11: Early Access Shania Twain, Burger King, Free Spirits, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-12 01:00:03 +0000 UTCReport: Most Women Gain Hulk-Like Strength Upon Hearing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman”
By Ben Friedman
TORONTO — The University of Toronto announced a breakthrough study that showed playing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” resulted in women suddenly gaining Hulk-like strength and speed, researchers have confirmed.
“We were testing the correlation between music and dopamine activity, and which songs motivated subjects the best while doing physical activity. Well, it turns out playing ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman’ for the female participants immediately gave all of them the ability to lift objects 10 times their body weight and effortlessly move through solid walls as if they were the Incredible Hulk. Or She-Hulk for that matter. Either way I peed my pants,” said lead researcher Miles Stevens. “There’ve been many songs focusing on female empowerment in the study but none elicited goddamn superhero powers. I’m not sure what to do with these results at the moment, other than using these findings to harness infinite energy or training sleeper agents for the military.”
Participants in the study were just as surprised by their capacity to summon superhero strength.
“I’m not even into ‘90s pop country, but hearing the words ‘let’s go girls’ triggered some MK Ultra shit within me and the next thing I knew I’d torn apart a metal table with my teeth and ripped the coordinator’s spine out and used it like a karaoke microphone,” said Sarah Wells. “I want to hug all my girlfriends and crush the skill of the next guy who ‘accidentally’ touches my ass at the bar. I just came here for the $50 they were offering, but I left with this sense of boundless power.”
Experts within the musicology field were not surprised by the findings.
“We usually bankroll these studies conducted to find the ideal music to play in retail stores to motivate shoppers to buy more crap they don’t need. But yeah, every once in a while there’s an incident where a song unlocks some deep-seated animalistic instinct that makes people go ballistic. Remember Limp Bizkit at Woodstock ‘99?” said Dr. Frank Longfellow. “With this study, researchers didn’t factor in how much North American women are subjected to misogyny on a daily basis, which would explain the explosive display of female empowerment and the capability to fold an SUV in half.”
As of press time, the project was put on hold indefinitely after the song accidentally played twice, causing all women participants to decimate the campus along with 12 city blocks.
5 Keys to a Successful Marriage That Are All Just Eating Burger King in Your Car at 3 p.m. Because You Just Just Fucking Can’t Right Now
By James Knapp | January 12, 2025
As anyone who has been married for any span of time knows, there are some days when you just gotta get the fuck outta there. Call it self-care or relationship maintenance or just plain survival, whatever you want—it all just means that in order to continue being in love with your partner you need to be anywhere away from them for a couple of hours.
A great way to get some much-needed alone time and improve your overall physical and mental health is to go on a refreshing nature walk! But, since you’re not going to do that, here are our tips for cramming copious amounts of Burger King into your food hole.
5. Don’t Savour It. This Is Not Something That You Enjoy, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.
In many ways getting through a marriage-stress-related BK binge is a lot like getting through a marriage itself. Just keep your head down, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and barrel your way through that second Bacon King burger with zero emotion left behind your glazed-over, soulless eyes.
4. Always Get a Milkshake.
If you’re gonna go, go hard. There is no point in moderation right now. You don’t want to go back to deal with your soul-crushing sham of a marriage AND deal with the fact that you haven’t had a milkshake in like, forever. Get the damn milkshake.
3. Fuck Napkins! For the Next 20 Minutes, You’re a Goddamn Wild Animal.
That’s right! No gods, no masters! Just excessive amounts of honey mustard sauce coating every surface of your shitty Camry. If your spouse tries to call you out on the stains, just tell them it’s lipstick from a sex worker.
2. Eat Everything. Every Last Fry. Leave No Evidence That This Is How You Spent Your Afternoon.
At a certain point the inherent shame you feel from this activity will urge you to attempt to eradicate all signs that you’ve been inhaling chicken fries in broad daylight. Do not resist this urge, it is all a part of the process.
1. Never mind. Get an Extra Milkshake To Bring Home.
Much like the clarity that often follows a successful ejaculation, consuming enough calories to kill most equine species alone in a parking lot can help give you some perspective. Now that you’ve put in the work you need to do for yourself, go back for another milkshake to bring home to your partner. You’ll be amazed by their gratitude, lack of follow-up questions, and willingness to ignore your many, many flaws for the rest of the day.
Self-Described “Free Spirit” Gets Suspiciously Irritable When Asked How They Pay Rent
By BOISE, Idaho — Independent thinker and free spirit Bodun Haze became mysteriously defensive when conversation at a house party shifted away from his latest yoga retreat and towards how exactly he financed his lifestyle, sources confirmed.
“That’s exactly the kind of superficial question society has us asking each other. Capitalism has destroyed our ability to connect with each other,” Haze, 34, real name Theodore Smithfield, said after brusquely leaving a group of his peers. “Step back and look at the bigger picture. I’m a human being not an ATM. Life’s about inner change, not small change. All of this focus on monetary matters indicates a profound lack of wellness in the human spirit. For those that insist on asking how I live: I like to think I live for my art.”
A witness to the exchange said things got rather heated when attendees continued to press Haze on how, exactly, he paid the bills while still having the time and money to travel most of the year.
“The whole zen vibe really started to go downhill at that point,” said Jane Rowe, who works two jobs and lives paycheck to paycheck. “We didn’t mean any harm. He was just so adamant about how we were wasting our lives being part of the ‘rat race’ that we were curious how it was possible to have such a nice apartment and a vacation home in Utah. Eventually he just burst into tears, saying we sounded just like his parents, pushing and pushing him to make something of himself. He wound up locking himself in the bathroom to call his ‘guru.’ We still didn’t get an answer. Maybe he got hit by a city bus when he was a kid and he’s still getting paid out for that.”
The wellness guru in question, Cthulo Remar, said people ought to be more conscientious of people’s auras when discussing personal finances.
“It really messes with one’s energy when people fixate on trivial things like trust funds or allowances or stock portfolios. I like to believe that one’s true value lies within” said Remar. “These things don’t define my clien– I mean my brothers and sisters in love. There is so much more to them than their exorbitant wealth. It’s just a happy coincidence that the most beautiful souls I’ve met also have the biggest bank accounts.”
At press time, Haze’s state has mellowed after drinking some ayahuasca and booking a trip to Cambodia.
