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Hard Digest January 16: David Lynch, Village People, IDF Soldiers, Early Access Widows, Reservations, J.D. Vance, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-17 01:00:05 +0000 UTCDavid Lynch Dead at 78, or in the White Lodge, or Maybe the Whole Thing Is Just a Dream, We’re Not Sure
By Dan Rice
David Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe. We think. It’s also possible that he has entered a world just beneath the surface of this world known as “The White Lodge,” or that everything we are witnessing is merely someone’s dream. Gotta be honest we are completely lost on this one.
Our office has been in a surrealist state of high strangeness ever since the story was announced. When our editor first informed us, there was an immediate silence, followed by every writer saying “We’re sorry” in unison. The lights dimmed, and a spotlight suddenly showed on Julee Cruise, who honest to god we didn’t even know was there a second ago. She sang a hauntingly sad song, which we applauded, then attempted to resume business as usual.
For a few moments, everything seemed normal, save for the jazz music playing in the background that no one could find the source of. Then, an intern began shrieking in terror at a ceiling fan. Our copy editor waltzed passed her humming an old doo-wop song, his hair having mysteriously turned white. The head of our art department inexplicably transformed into a 20-year-old mid-west auto mechanic who looked exactly like Balthazar Getty, and we had to let him go.
We’ve employed every means of deduction at our disposal to unravel the mystery of what exactly is going on here—dream analysis, spiritual intuition, the Tibetan technique—and so far every clue has created more questions than it’s answered. Here’s what we know so far:
The Body
Lynch was found on the side of a lake wrapped in plastic, his arms tied backward. A tiny piece of paper with a lowercase “r” was extracted from one of his fingernails, perhaps what The Giant was referring to when he said, “When he is pointing he can talk.”
Time Of Death
Lynch’s exact time of passing was printed in a personals ad in a BDSM magazine published two weeks ago, suggesting either prescience or foul play. The ad also contained the chess move Qc7.
There Is A Giant
Oh, we should backtrack a bit. Yeah so there’s a giant, we call him The Giant, he shows up and tells us stuff sometimes. He’s also maybe a dancing jazz dwarf or an arm. Everybody up to speed? Great.
Every Woman Involved In The Case Is An Absolute Smokeshow
Talented! Undeniably talented but yeah, wall-to-wall 10s.
The Owls Are Not What They Seem
They are either aliens, tulpas, or ghosts, if they exist at all. This has no bearing on the case whatsoever but just, be aware.
We’re At Your House Right Now
Here’s a phone, go ahead and call your house. You’ll hear us answer. It’s fucking crazy man.
On July 16, 1945, The First Atomic Bomb Was Detonated
It is unclear if this unholy act created true evil itself or merely opened the door for already existing otherworldly evil to enter our plain of reality but needless to say The Giant, who is also The Fireman, did not approve.
Pay Particular Attention To The Opening Of Mulholland Drive
Lynch insists that there are at least two clues to his death are revealed before the credits. Note the coffee cup.
Andy Has A Gun
This is unrelated but should Andy really have a gun?
A Horse
Just a beautiful, magnificent white horse.
Revamped Village People Lineup Featuring All Cops to Perform At Trump Inauguration
By WASHINGTON — Popular ‘70s gay icons Village People announced they would be performing at multiple Trump inauguration events and will feature a new lineup made up entirely of cops, sources with perfectly groomed chest hair confirmed.
“This is the Village People everyone has always wanted. We’ve trimmed the fat, no more cowboys, no more bikers, no more Native Americans, just six boys in blue who love working out, hanging with the guys in the locker room, and giving thanks to the machoest macho man of them all, Donald Trump,” said Village People founding member, and convicted felon, Victor Willis. “Don’t worry, we are going to play all the hits, and if anyone so much as whispers about how we seem a little gay I will sue the crap out of you. Since when is it gay to have a handful of buff guys sing and dance to disco? Thankfully our Republican fan base understands.”
Trump supporter, and lifelong Village People fan, Trent Lepoita says he is excited for the inauguration festivities.
“This is going to be such a great day. I’ve done so much to prepare, first I’m making sure I eat light, I trimmed all my body hair because I feel like a real American patriot when I’m well-groomed, and I gave myself an enema because this is the best country in the world,” said Lepoita. “All the guys at the bathhouse I go to are just as excited. We told our wives to not expect us to come home, things might get a little wild when the boys get together to celebrate Trump and see the Village People in all their glory. I’m so excited I could squeal.”
President-elect Trump praised the news about the new Village People lineup.
“The Village People, some of the best people I ever met. Really great people, all of them. But now they are even better. All of them are cops now, can you believe that? I had a cop come up to me the other day, real big strong guy, nice mustache, really thick. I asked him how he got his mustache so thick and he said ‘That’s a great question nobody has ever asked me that before,’” said Trump. “Then he started tearing up and told me the only reason he likes being a big tough guy cop is because of me. He said that. He said he looks at me and sees the toughest guy around. He compared me to Batman, think about that. Batman.”
At press time, the new Village People lineup were seen harassing a group of teenagers for loitering outside a 7-Eleven.
IDF Soldier Haunted By Images of Palestinian Children Playing in Town Square
By GAZA CITY, Palestine — Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in the streets of Gaza following the announcement of a ceasefire, sources close to the soldier confirmed.
“When I close my eyes at night I hear the sounds of their childish laughter and it makes me physically ill. Their joy is nothing short of evil, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are Hamas command centers inside all of these kids,” said Sergeant Shochet while clutching his rifle. “ Some people say they count sheep to fall asleep, but the only thing that works for me is counting bombs falling from the sky. I picture them leveling schools and hospitals and it gives me a brief respite of inner peace. But eventually, the negative images creep back in. I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about these kids playing soccer with a deflated ball outside of where their house used to be.”
Gaza resident Hasan Arafa says he feels no sympathy for any IDF soldier claiming to suffer from any form of PTSD.
“It’s a miracle I’m still alive. I’ve watched my wife and mother die in my arms and I haven’t had a real meal in almost a year. I’ve been drinking contaminated water and most days I actually pray for death, so no, I don’t feel bad that a war criminal is having a tough time coping with not killing children,” said Arafa while helping clear debris from a recently bombed aid center. “When I look around I see nothing but death and destruction, when I close my eyes I see nothing but death and destruction. It is true torture, I just hope it ends soon.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says all IDF soldiers will have unlimited access to mental health resources free of charge thanks to money from the United States.
“We know this potential ceasefire will be tough on our military recruits. We are already developing lifelike dolls that look like Palestinian women and children for our soldiers to shoot, stab, and whatever else brings them some sense of normalcy,” said Netanyahu. “Also, I want to remind everyone that this ceasefire probably won’t stop us from dropping bombs. Nothing will stop us. We can do whatever we want and face no consequences because our allies abroad let us.”
At press time, soldiers having the hardest time dealing with the ceasefire were reassigned to the West Bank to help with the illegal seizure of land for Israeli settlers.
Widow Won’t Shut Up About Her Ex
By Max Eckert
SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. — Local widow Claire Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her former spouse who tragically passed away recently, confirmed sources who have been trying to change the subject for the last 15 minutes.
“My god, all she talked about was Peter or James or whatever his name was. I’ve got my own problems, I really don’t need to keep hearing about how he died in a horrific car accident two days before their fifth wedding anniversary. I get it, he was on life support and in and out of comas for weeks,” said coworker Bradley Jameson. “It’s like, talk about the weather, football, or anything else people are interested in. No one likes someone who trauma dumps. Honestly, I’m just trying to swoop in and get in her pants. I don’t need to keep being reminded of the love she shared with a man for 15 years during his funeral. Think about someone else for a change, like me and my needs. For instance, my cat died two years ago and she hasn’t brought that up even once. So selfish.”
Despite indifference from everyone, Donnelly just couldn’t read the room.
“I can’t believe he’s gone,” said Donnelly while friends didn’t know whether to console her or pretend like she wasn’t sobbing. “The amount of love and support I received immediately after the incident has been tremendous, but after a good few hours it seemed like people wanted me to move on. I mean, I tried to. I talked about my grief and depression, but people seemed to be more interested in the catering job. I get it. The tuna tartare was to die for.”
Experts didn’t appear to relate to the widow’s struggles.
“Thanks to the advances of modern-day therapy, no one has to hear anyone else’s troubles anymore so nobody wants to be burdened with someone else’s emotional pain,” said psychologist Rudy Maiyer. “It’s way more healthy to pay to talk to a complete stranger about things that are going on in your life. We have evolved beyond the confines of intimate friendships and relationships, so now it just looks weird to talk about your dead spouse to your best friend of 30 years. Give your loved ones the gist and move on.”
At press time, Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her child who passed away after getting hit by a bus immediately after the funeral of her former husband.
I Have Reservations for 6:30, but I’m a Few Minutes Early So I Can Just Stand Outside, or Maybe I Should Just Leave, I’m So Sorry
By Dan Rice
Hi there. I have reservations for 6:30, but I’m a few minutes early. I can just stand outside—or maybe I should leave? I’m so sorry. I always set my clocks a little fast so I’m never late, but sometimes it means I get in a little too early. Marilyn has still never forgiven me for that time I was 20 minutes early to her Christmas party. Again, truly, I apologize.
I knew we should have circled the block a few times. Our GPS said we’d arrive at 6:19, but I thought maybe we could walk slowly enough from the parking lot. I warned my husband about this a mile before we arrived, but he was so sure everything would be fine. Yet here we are, at 6:23. I’m so embarrassed.
At least you’re open! As we were walking up, I thought you might be closed. I know I looked up your hours and successfully made a reservation, but when I saw the lights on and people bustling inside, I assumed you must be cleaning. But my husband insisted it was fine and that the open sign probably wasn’t a mistake.
Perhaps we could sit at the bar while we wait. Would that be easier? I see an open seat, so maybe I can sit there, and my husband can just kind of awkwardly stand behind me as waiters try to navigate the narrow lane of traffic. Would that be alright?
Oh, you’re ready for us? But it’s only 6:26, are you sure? No, you don’t have to take my coat. I’ll just drape it over my seat. A booth? I’ll just sit on it then. I agree it is quite a large fur coat, but it’ll be comfortable. I don’t mean to be so much trouble.
Tap is fine; I wouldn’t want to bother you for sparkling. Actually, now that I’m looking at the menu, do you mind if I ask a question? I’m not seeing anything that’s calling to me, but I do notice you have a grits side and shrimp cocktail appetizer. Do you think your chef could turn that into a shrimp and grits entrée? I can explain it to the chef if that would be helpful. Thank you so much.
J.D. Vance Wakes Up in Cold Sweat After Nightmare Where Minimum Wage Workers Had Health Insurance
By WASHINGTON — Vice President J.D. Vance suddenly woke up from a recurring nightmare in which a minimum wage employee wasn’t in extreme medical debt due to a lack of insurance coverage, confirmed sweaty sources.
“It was awful. Cashiers, dishwashers, even Uber drivers were able to afford life-saving medicine! I think one was even a union member with incredible medical benefits. I never want to see such visions again,” said Vance while sitting down on his fainting couch. “This can’t be good for me. I need my minimum of 10 hours of sleep so I can do important work like appear on podcasts and shake hands with investors. Sometimes I even have a nightmare where children get lunch for free at schools. Won’t someone think of the taxpayers for once instead of the nutritionally deficient kids?”
His wife Usha Vance was at his bedside comforting him through this troubled time.
“The sheets are once again soaked from his terror sweats and also a little urine. Nothing out of the usual. However, he keeps muttering ‘pull your bootstraps’ and ‘get a real job like bitcoin investing’ in his sleep,” said the Vice President’s wife. “I’ve had to wake him up and assure him that as long as they live in America, the greatest country in the world, there’s little fear about his tax dollars paying for a wheelchair. He usually feels after I tell him the dollar amount of the U.S. military budget and then read a passage from his autobiography to him until he falls back into slumber.”
Vice President Vance contacted his long time mentor Peter Thiel for help.
“I told him to take a deep breath and remember that he has nothing to worry about. If it keeps happening, just hire a 19 year old to pump his blood into your veins,” Thiel said before looking off into the distance with concern. “Poor little guy. I hope he recovers. He’s still scarred from a childhood of seeing people who don’t receive scholarships to ivy leagues. He’s grown so much since then but I still worry about him. If he’s going to co-run this country, he needs to separate his reality from others’ nightmares of acquiring severe medical debt.”
At press time, Vice President Vance violently woke up from another nightmare where housing was affordable for first-time homebuyers.
Kid Excitedly Reads Back of Nintendo eShop Gift Card During Drive Home From GameStop
BY LAFAYETTE, La.— Birthday boy Robert Leaumont was seen excitedly reading the back of his Nintendo eShop gift card during a car ride home from GameStop, sources apparently not driving fast enough confirm.
“Sure I’ve only had my eye on this for the past few weeks, but that’s like a lifetime when you’re cool and 12 years old like me,” said Leaumont, as he mouthed the words outlined in the card’s terms and conditions. “All my friends already got one of these for Christmas, and I’m not about to waste any more time falling behind those lame-os. But at the rate we’re going, I’m going to be 20 by the time we get back and the eShop servers will have already been shut down.”
Leaumont’s mother, Mara Richmond, shared how this took her back to the days of her youth.
“It does my heart good to know that my Bobby shares a few similarities with his boring old mom, even if he doesn’t like to admit it,” said Richmond, not even trying to make that yellow light. “You see, when I was his age, I spent my return trips reading up on the game lore and trying to piece together the layout of the overworld from just the pictures on the back of the box alone. And even if my dad had no idea what an ocarina or a Zelda was, he was willing to listen to me babble on and on about everything I had gleaned from those buzzword descriptions and low-res screenshots. He also never tried to cut those moments short by driving faster than the residential speed limit allowed, and only ever called it quits once we had already been home for an hour and I was still buckled up, yakking about these things called ‘Gorons.’”
Leaumont continued to ponder the intricacies of his gift card, long after anyone else seemed to care.
“So if I’m reading this correctly, since I purchased the physical edition of eShop, I’m to be granted some bonus in-game currency once I input the download code into the debug menu,” said Leaumont, all alone in his mom’s SUV, daylight fading. “And since my buddies say eShop is this big, open-world experience, I’m debating whether I should spend this in-game currency on weapon upgrades now or save it for when I fight the big bad later on. Who’s the final boss of eShop supposed to be, anyway? This guy in the red hat on the front?”
At press time, Leaumont was reportedly in his room, drawing a map of the eShop menu to help him better navigate future playthroughs.
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