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Hard Digest January 19: Melania's Hat, Nazi Salutes, Early Access Milo, Rodents, Stephen Miller, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-21 01:00:05 +0000 UTCNazi Saluting Elon Musk Sees Spike in Approval Rating Amongst School Shooters
By Ben Friedman
WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s double Nazi salute during today’s inauguration parade led to a tidal wave of approval amongst the nation’s potential school shooters, online forums indicated.
“It’s been hard dealing with being called an ‘unfuckable incel loser’ by my peers, even after I’ve used their class photos for target practice. But seeing Elon today celebrating the swearing-in of our Daddy in Chief with not one but two Nazi salutes just validated the entire existence for those of us who are just one manifesto away from spraying the school cafeteria with bullets,” said Jeff Wilder from his mother’s basement. “Everyone in the forum I run about final solutions for the woke mind virus agree as well. I know we have to put in some work telling the libs online it was a ‘Roman salute,’ but we all know what’s really going on. Tomorrow at school when I wear my swastika armband and a 9mm tucked into my pants, everyone better know it’s our time now.”
As of press time, Wilder accidentally shot and killed himself after attempting to perfectly mimic Musk’s Sieg Heil with a loaded handgun. Nobody is expected to attend the funeral.
Voldemort Found Hiding Under Melania’s Hat
By WASHINGTON — Famed Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort was spotted at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration, hiding under First Lady Melania Trump’s hat, multiple sources confirmed.
“It was horrifying to witness a wet, wrinkly face peeking out from behind Melania’s head, and it’s something I won’t soon forget,” said BBC Journalist Terry Clarins. “I felt something was off the minute Trump started his speech. Melania was staring daggers at the back of his head, which I first assumed was due to fake tanner dripping onto his collar. But then she started hissing some sort of snake-like language under her breath and her eyes flickered red. It felt almost like she was cursing him, or like she was controlling his every move. I followed her backstage when no one was watching, where I saw her remove her hat and reveal this misshapen, humanoid growth pulsating at the back of her head. It was so grotesque I fear I may never have a solid night’s rest again. I could hear her talking with it—they were discussing murdering this teenage boy and taking over some school with dark magic. I could only hear every other word, but I definitely heard them say, ‘There are only two pronouns,’ and, ‘Build a wall.’ Also, I have no idea what it means, but there was a mention of a ‘Horcrux’ inside J.D. Vance? Didn’t sound great!”
At press time, the First Lady denied all claims of “assisting the Dark Lord with his bidding,” while donning a large Pharell hat to accommodate what she said was “just a really bad headache.”
Descendents Announce New Album “Milo Moves to Canada” Set to Release Late January
By MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Punk band Descendents announced a new album titled “Milo Moves to Canada” in response to Donald Trump’s election victory, which is set to release late January, confirmed sources.
“It’s the natural progression of Milo and his coming of age story,” said lead singer Milo Aukerman while testing out his brand new bunson burner he ordered off eBay. “First you go to college, then you don’t want to grow up, because naturally everything sucks, but then all of a sudden a wannabe dictator is reelected president and you have no choice but to move to Canada. Song titles include ‘Ontarioage,’ ‘Trudeauage,’ and ‘I Wanna Be a Moose.’ We even have enough material for a follow-up EP. That one will be titled ‘Milo Gets Universal Healthcare’ and will be released as soon as Milo becomes an official citizen of Canada.”
Fans couldn’t wait for the new album.
“Finally the band seems to be getting back to their roots,” said Greg Hypson. “I thought they were taking Milo in some sort of Bill Nye the Science Guy direction with their 2016 release of ‘Hypercaffium Spazzinate,’ since it had a bunch of beakers all over the album cover. Hell, Milo’s head and body were even depicted as some sort of nightmarish Lovecraftian laboratory flask. That one just didn’t speak to me. But moving to British Columbia is a message I can get behind.”
Experts were quick to note similar instances in music history.
“This isn’t the first time a punk band was going to title their album about our neighbors up north in response to major political events,” said critic Mel Drapson. “Green Day’s concept album ‘American Idiot’ was initially called ‘Canadian Genius.’ That was going to be about a guy who immigrated to Calgary during George W. Bush’s time in office. The Misfits’ ‘Walk Among Us’ was at first going to be titled ‘Walk Among Us in Saskatchewan,’ which was a concept album about an American zombie vampire werewolf living in Saskatoon to escape the Reagan administration. Punk bands are always trying to escape to Canada. Or at least writing about it.”
At press time, Descendents announced a 30-city Canadian tour that coincidentally begins on Inauguration Day.
Real-Life Cinderella: This Woman’s Dealing With a Rodent Infestation and Her Family Hates Her
By Take note, Charles Perrault! And would someone PLEASE shove the hemorrhaging corpse of Grace Kelly out of the driver’s seat?? Because there’s a new, real-life Cinderella in town, and she’s a 36-year-old unemployed Missouri woman with a severe rodent infestation.
“My name is Dolores Twarp, I got rats and my stepmom is a bitch, what of it?”
We had the chance to speak with Dolores one enchanted evening outside a Kirkwood methadone clinic, where she regaled us with stories from her uniquely fairy-tale life.
“I moved in with my stepmom and stepsisters a few weeks back. But they’re always on my case about how I never do my chores and I need to stop free-bleeding on the ivory beige carpet. I’m also friends with a couple dwarves and one of em’ is pretty angry and the other is fucking stupid. But yeah, Cinderella works, I guess. Can I have a cigarette?”
And just like Cinderella, Dolores has a pretty hazardous rodent infestation.
“Oh shit yeah, the rats definitely do my bidding, but I don’t got much use for fancy gowns and elegant balls, so instead I make my rats grab me a Lunchable from the fridge, or if I sell some of my used panties online I’ll let them box ‘em up and take ‘em down to the post office. Sometimes it works, and then sometimes I find my old boy shorts serving as the load-bearing wall of a rat’s nest. But it’s the price of unpaid rodent deliveries.”
Unfortunately, Dolores does not have a fairy godmother and must deal with her evil stepmother on her own.
“Yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m the one who gave everyone in the house sucking lice. But I only did it because I thought they would eradicate the Rat Lungworm infestation. And no, actually I don’t know how everyone in the house caught Rat Lungworm. Why does everyone blame the lady with the loose rodents scrounging in her bed? Maybe my mom picked it up at the rotary club. You can’t prove she didn’t.”
But like every true princess, at the end of the day, Dolores simply wants true love.
“I’m just looking for a Prince Charming who won’t require me to wear a dental dam. So if you know anybody, tell ‘em to hurry up because this pumpkin’s already starting to rot.”
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, indeed!
Stephen Miller Unwinds After Long Day by Rewatching the Horse Death Scene From “The NeverEnding Story”
By WASHINGTON — White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller capped off his day by rewatching the death of horse Artax in beloved 1984 children’s fantasy film “The NeverEnding Story,” appalled sources confirmed.
“Spending my day fighting to enact policies requiring mass deportation and family separation of migrants is exhausting,” Miller said as he reclined in his loveseat and giggled at the sobs of character Atreyu. “It feels great to come home every night and watch Atreyu struggle futilely to pull his beloved horse out of the muck as he succumbs to the crippling depression pervading the Swamps of Sadness. I’m not even a big fan of the movie as a whole; I just like this and the scene depicting children bullying the character whose mother just died. There’s just something about the gut-wrenching despair enveloping Atreyu that makes me feel so warm and content.”
Wife Katie Miller reacted to her husband’s behavior.
“Look, I love misery and suffering as much as the next God-fearing American,” Miller confided as she watched her husband squeal delightedly and clap his hands before restarting the scene. “I just think he should branch out and watch something different every now and then. I work in the Department of Government Efficiency, which I know is a complete joke. Nevertheless, I’d still like to be able to relax and watch something else at the end of the day, but Stephen is always watching that stupid horse die. As much as I enjoy seeing my husband revel in a child’s anguish, it’d be nice to be able to play an episode of ‘Yellowjackets.’”
Psychologist Chike Adeoye weighed in on the situation.
“Malevolent government leaders love to revisit upsetting scenes from childhood movies in their downtime,” Adeoye offered. “I see this all the time in my case studies. Whether it’s Vladimir Putin rewatching the old lady die in the beginning of ‘Up’ or Ronald Reagan having Charlotte’s death scene in ‘Charlotte’s Web’ played on repeat during White House holiday parties, the psychopaths running the world all have a specific taste for childhood trauma. Dick Cheney had a 65-inch TV set up in the US Naval Observatory just so he could watch the funeral scene from ‘My Girl,’ so Stephen Miller’s proclivities are certainly nothing new.”
At press time, Miller was beginning his nightly bedtime routine by rereading the end of “Where the Red Fern Grows.”
More From The Hard Times:
Every Cradle of Filth Album Ranked Worst to Best
Not Banned Yet! Americans Flee TikTok For Totally Different Chinese Data-Stealing App
BY Garry Kerls
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans prepare for a historic social media ban made possible by a groundbreaking bipartisan campaign between political parties, RedNote, a totally different Chinese social media app that steals your data, has risen in popularity.
“They’re infringing on my First Amendment rights!” says social media influencer, Ray-Ray Baller. “The government should have no business telling me who I can and can’t give my mother’s maiden name, social security number, and blood type to.”
Young people across the country are ditching TikTok, which the Supreme Court has deemed a threat to national security, for the next closest thing.
“RedNote is a non-Americanized social media that is totally chill and most definitely isn’t doing exactly what TikTok was doing to get banned,” says social media expert Madison Montgomery. “And the best part is, it isn’t owned by a sad, divorced billionaire that oozes toxic masculinity… Come to think of it, I don’t know who owns RedNote, probably a really cool Chinese billionaire with morals and stuff.”
U.S. Senators and Congressmen agree that the app they are completely confused by is destroying the very fabric of their country’s democracy. And now, a unanimous 9-0 approval by the Supreme Court to uphold the ban has put TikTok’s final saving grace into the hand of President-elect Donald Trump.
“These children are gold mines of valuable data, and they’re just giving it away to one of our greatest enemies?!” says Republican Congressman, Doug Jerqoph. “The only way to wrangle these disrespectful kids is to regulate which bathrooms they use, what sports they can play, and what apps they spend all their parents’ data on.”
At press time, the RedNote surge has resulted in a large influx of Duolingo users changing their focus to Mandarin.
