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Hard Digest December 31: Early Access Ball Drop, Puppeteers, Band Recommendations, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-01 01:00:05 +0000 UTCChaos in Times Square as Millions of Baby Spiders Hatch From NYE Ball
By Ben Friedman
NEW YORK — Chaos and panic overwhelmed Times Square after the famous New Year’s Eve ball unexpectedly hatched causing revelers to be showered with millions of spiders, sources at the scene have confirmed.
“This black, ambiguous mass emerged from the ball like some kind of Eldritch horror and we all thought it was some kind of mixed reality advertisement for something dumb like body wash. But no, it was six million fucking banana spiders from the depths of hell and now it’s straight up mayhem. A knockoff Elmo just self-immolated and half the crowd is trying to escape into a single Duane Reade,” said terrified onlooker Mark Chesney. “Though seeing Ryan Seacrest falling through a manhole cocooned in spiderwebs was pretty amazing, we’re all certain this is the end times. Tell my wife I love her and don’t open the windows!”
City maintenance crews attempted to hold back the horde after it became clear help wasn’t arriving.
“Of course the mayor’s office took the lowest bid for this year’s countdown ball and we obviously got what we paid for. I knew something was up when we were installing it and it sounded like it was alive,” said sanitation worker Scott DeMaio. “The cops weren’t going to help until I told them spiders were trying to jump the subway turnstiles, but all they did was shoot indiscriminately into the air while running away. It looks like once again the sanitation team and our brooms are the last line of defense between chaos and civilization.”
Pest exterminators were brought in to assess the situation, though the outlook was bleak.
“Oh yeah, if you import anything from south of the equator, you’re bound to get some stowaways. These little buggers aren’t poisonous but damn are they nasty looking, so I don’t blame these folks for all the clawing and trampling. My brother in Tucson had the same problem when their countdown ball cracked open and out came a whole army of those horned lizards that shoot blood from their eyes,” said Frank Lambowski. “I’d have to use a three-year supply of poison to kill them all, so the best I can do is spray down the trains to keep them from escaping into New Jersey.
As of press time, Governor Hochul declared a state of emergency and asked FEMA to release 900,000 bats into the city to eat the spiders.
Happy New Year! My Wife’s Leaving Me for a Puppeteer
By Travis Tack
Wow, what a year it’s been! I hope this letter finds you happy, healthy, and not being cuckolded. Because I was cuckolded this year, and let me tell you, it’s not as fun as the internet makes it seem.
Looking back, 2024 was a year full of growth and change. For example, my wife changed our relationship status, and I grew sad.
As we ring in 2025, I’d like to thank all of the people who suggested I hire a puppeteer to perform at my birthday. That was a great idea… It’s hard to believe that at this time last year, I was having dinner with my wife and she was telling me all about the interesting man she’d met at my party. She was telling me how “smart” he was and how much she thought I’d like him.
Boy was she wrong about that!
But let’s talk about something I do like: New Year’s Eve! It’s the one night we’re present in the moment and free from obligation. The one night when we dance because we want to dance, and not because some mysterious person is pulling our strings while they sleep with our wives.
New Year is a time for resolutions. You could choose to drink less alcohol, or give up red meat, or — just throwing this out there — stop having sex with my wife. Because none of us are perfect. Like me: I’m going bald, I’m not great at sex, and apparently, our dog prefers the puppet-guy. Also, I’m currently being investigated for securities fraud. But do I let that get me down? Of course, I do.
It’s been a tough year for all of us. A wise man once said: “There are two types of pain. The pain that hurts, and the pain that changes you”. But it turns out, there is a third type of pain – a pain you can only understand when your wife has sex with a puppeteer and then the SEC raids your house.
Luckily, it’s never too late to try something new! For a couple of months, I even considered getting into puppetry myself. I bought a $300 marionette and now it’s sitting in my garage, silently judging me as I run the car with the door closed.
As we close out this year, I encourage you to take a moment to look back on all of your achievements this year. For instance, I earned a promotion at work! But then the executives blamed me for a bunch of financial crimes so that’s sort of a wash.
If you’re going out this year, try to stay safe. And if you’re hosting a party, don’t invite street performers into your home. Did I mention that I confronted the guy in November and he tried blaming it all on his puppet?
Happy New Year!
Local Man Still Riding High Off Successfully Recommending Band in 2016
By PORTLAND, Ore. — Local resident Calvin Davenport continues to experience unprecedented levels of euphoria nearly a decade after successfully recommending midwest emo band Dad Pants to his college roommate Drew Patterson, despite his life being in complete disarray.
“You know, people always say the happiest moment in your life is holding your newborn in your arms, and yeah, that was pretty cool,” said Davenport, before he pulled up the screenshot of Patterson’s text that read “Dude, it’s really good. Thanks for sending it.” “But nothing compares to knowing you’ve introduced a true musical treasure into someone’s life that they never would have known about otherwise. Sure, my ex-wife got full custody and I’m being sued by three different credit card companies, but every time I think about Drew’s first listen to Dad Pants, I get this warm feeling that just washes over my whole body. This is the meaning of life.”
Patterson was bewildered by Davenport’s apparent elation.
“I’m just confused. He’s unemployed, divorced, and had to move back in with his parents,” said Patterson, shifting uncomfortably after running into Davenport at a 7-Eleven. “Yet despite all this, he’s always weirdly cheerful when I see him and immediately brings up the band he showed me like eight years ago. And to be honest, I listened to maybe two songs and thought they were fine but nothing to write home about. I sent him a polite text and somehow that became his entire personality. I just don’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t life-changing. He just seems so happy.”
Dr. Marcus Chen, lead researcher at Portland State University’s Department of Neuroscience, believes Davenport’s case could revolutionize mental health treatment.
“Traditional antidepressants may soon be obsolete,” noted Dr. Chen, methodically documenting Davenport’s dopamine and serotonin levels. “Our research suggests that the neural response to a perceived successful music recommendation is more powerful than any pharmaceutical intervention we’ve studied. We’re already developing a new form of therapy where clinically depressed patients are paired with people who will pretend to enjoy their Spotify playlists.”
At press time, Davenport was seen smiling contentedly after remembering that he once successfully recommended a local Mexican restaurant to a friend.
Diehard Overwatch Fan Won’t Even Consider Playing Marvel Rivals Until Porn Comes Out
BY MESA, Ariz. — Devoted Overwatch player Daniel Brooks firmly rejected invitations to play Marvel Rivals as its fandom has not yet generated an adequate amount of smut, sources confirm.
“I’m something of a connoisseur of hero shooters, so yes, I have high expectations,” said Brooks. “I’m not even asking for anything hardcore. Sure, I’d love to see Jeff the Land Shark just going to town on Spider-Man’s ripped frame, but I’d be happy enough with some tasteful depictions of Namor teasing. Don’t act like I’m the weird one, here. I mean, come on—no one who has seen the art from this game hasn’t wondered what Peni Parker gets up to with that robot.”
Brooks’ friends were frustrated, but not surprised.
“He does this every time,” said Melissa Perez, friend and teammate of Brooks. “We ask him to squad up, and he goes right to Google. ‘Valorant rule 34,’ ‘Battleborn slash fic.’ He refuses to play unless he can get his rocks off first. Honestly, we’ve come to accept that, but I still struggle with his broader worldview. He keeps claiming that a game’s success is directly proportional to the amount of porn it generates. After Concord, he was strutting around like he had won the argument. I’m just glad that the evidence is back on our side.”
Pop art researcher William Abbott said that the phenomenon is not as unlikely as some might assume.
“Dear Lord, the Rule 34 maniacs,” said Abbot, as he grew visibly agitated. “I can appreciate that their monetary support means that more artists are able to live on their trade, but I don’t know that their culture is worth examining too closely. I personally know of one individual who stopped playing Animal Crossing because not enough artists were creating explicit material of his favorite villager. Does that sound rational to you? Seriously, no one gives a shit about Norma.”
At press time, Brooks’ friends admitted that they had paid a DeviantArt user $400 to produce a significant quantity of explicit Marvel Rivals content, as they really needed a healer.
Jimmy Carter Ending Explained
BY Matt Fresh
Jimmy Carter, best known for being the only US President who will ever see heaven, has passed away at the age of 100 after a long battle with being older than even Joe Biden. Seeing as how it was expected that Carter would live until at least Metroid Prime 4 released, audiences everywhere are shocked. Many don’t know exactly what this means for the future or how it sets up future plotlines. With that in mind here’s our full breakdown and explanation of the ending of Jimmy Carter.
What Was Jimmy Carter About?
The titular Jimmy Carter was constantly in the shadow of his brother William “Billy” Carter. Billy was a mogul in the alcoholic beverage industry thanks to his premium drink Billy Beer and as President Jimmy was always trying to live up to his brother’s legacy. These attempts didn’t always work. One of the biggest plotlines involved Jimmy opening a peanut farm that perennial antagonists the GOP forced him to sell.
Jimmy spent his years after his presidency doing everything in his power to atone for the fact that he was a US President. He was a humanitarian who built homes for people well into the age where he should have been eating ice cream and talking about people named Cornpop. It’s during these years that Carter became a hardcore gamer, ranking top of leaderboards in games of various genres from World of Warcraft all the way to Overwatch.
How Did He End and What Does It Mean?
The final few episodes of Jimmy Carter seemed to be leading to him living long enough to play Metroid Prime 4. Carter loved games with strong badass female protagonists and it seemed like he would make it long enough to see Samus return one last time but the writers had other plans.
Carter instead died mere minutes after booting up Stellar Blade for the very first time. Upon seeing Eve for the first time he had a massive heart attack that killed him instantly. This ending left many baffled but it makes perfect sense. As the only President who will ever see heaven, Carter was granted the most angelic death of all. While many were hoping he would get to live to play Metroid Prime 4, Carter was instead allowed the purest and most angelic ascent into heaven; dying of excitement while looking at Eve’s huge cans jiggle. It’s the death every gamer dreams of and it’s symbolic of his status as the only President worthy of such an end. Now he’s in heaven where he can play Metroid Prime 4 in peace, without ever having to interact with another politician again.
