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Hard Digest December 30: Jimmy Carter, Early Access Clown, Frank Zappa, New Year's Losers, and More
🕑 Added 2024-12-31 01:00:06 +0000 UTCCar Racing, Prostitutes, and Mountains of Cocaine: A Breakdown of Jimmy Carter’s Final Days
By Dan Rice
Today the world continues to mourn Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President, Nobel Prize recipient and noted humanitarian, who died yesterday at the age of 100. He leaves behind a legacy of exemplary statesmanship, charity, and goodwill. Police are still trying to piece together the torrid, complicated, high-octane series of events that led to his tragic death when the mega yacht he had stolen exploded, along with an estimated 2.6 billion dollars worth of cocaine. Here’s what we know so far about the final days of former President and legendary underworld anti-hero, Jimmy Carter:
December 24th, 2024
Georgia Home, 7:00 – 9:00 a.m.:
According to family and loved ones, President Carter began the morning of Christmas Eve like any other. He awoke from under a pile of philosophical musings, song lyrics, and erotic poetry he had written the night before, downed two cups of cold brew coffee, and performed a nunchaku kata shirtless in the light of the rising sun.
A niece reported that around 8:00 a.m. he received a phone call from a still unknown associate. The former President listened to the speaker intently, his face growing stern, before replying “You tell Ramirez that this time, it’s personal.” and hanging up. When his niece asked who the caller was, Carter simply smiled and replied “Oh, just a ghost from Christmas past.”
Moments later Carter entered the living room where he stood a while transfixed by the family Christmas tree. After a long contemplation, he announced to the room “You know what this tree is missing? Some trim. Looks like ole’ Jimmy’s goin poon huntin.” His family members rolled their eyes, knowing protesting was pointless. They all knew that when Jimmy had pussy fever, there was only one cure.
Sure enough, moments later, his security detail could be seen scrambling helplessly as Jimmy Carter’s trademark fire-engine-red 1971 Dodge Charger jumped the gate blaring “Slow Ride” by Foghat. The Secret Service would remain one step behind the former President right up until the explosion that claimed his life.
Miami, 11:00 p.m.:
Carter arrives at Breakneck Alley, a notorious hotspot for high-stakes drag racing, sex workers, and drug trafficking, with a convoy of four other souped-up muscle cars all driven by members of his loyal mercenary group known only as “The Family.” A cheering crowd surrounds the convoy. Carter is something of a legend in the world of underground street racing.
Carter steps out of the car, humbly raises a hand to quiet the crowd, and says “I know what a lot of you young bucks are thinking right now — ‘Is today the day I race old man Jimmy out of his pink slips?’ Well if you want a lesson in humility, there will be time for that later, but right now me, and the fam want ourselves a merry little Christmas, and that means we need us some hoe hoe hoes. How many of you sexy ass ladies wanna go skiing with Jimmy Carter?!” He is heard saying “Just move the guns over” as the last woman of the night filed into the back of his car, and the crew speeds off into the bright lights of Miami.
Hours later, the crew throws a party at a Motel-6 the cops know to stay away from. According to the manager, “Carter and the family broke every damn bed we got.”
December 25th, 2024
Fort Myers Beach, 7:00 a.m.:
In the span of 45 minutes and with the assistance of half a dozen call girls, Carter builds 400 homes in a community recently devastated by a hurricane. A helicopter touches down to retrieve them, armed men urgently waving Carter on saying “Move move move, go go go!” Carter gets one foot in the chopper, turns back to the thankful crowd, and tosses a large ring of keys to a 12-year-old boy saying “You’re in charge now little man. Keep the faith.”
The Docks, 11:45 p.m.:
Surveillance footage seems to show a large drug shipment being received by a Bolivian gang. One of the gang members can be heard saying “You know, after this, I might go shoot a kid just for fun!” and everyone laughs, so you know these are really, really bad guys. Suddenly, Carter and his team emerge from the shadows, guns blazing. They are hopelessly outnumbered but if that scares them, they don’t show it. With expert tactics and marksmanship Carter and the family take down gang member after gang member, who as we established are particularly evil so you don’t have to feel bad about it. Eventually, the gang’s leader finds himself surrounded and alone. Carter approaches him, reaches into the pocket of the gang leader’s duster jacket, and retrieves a microchip of some kind.
CARTER: Looks like someone’s been naughty this year.
GANG LEADER: You’re crazy man! Do you have any idea who you’re stealing from?!
CARTER: You go tell your boss he’s next. Go, before I change my mind!
The gang leader scampers off sheepishly. Carter hands the microchip to one of his mercenaries.
CARTER: Get this to Mr. Nobody. Tell him Jimmy says Merry Christmas.
MERCENARY: What do we do with all the coke?
CARTER: Well, I don’t know about you, but I like to snort it.
December 28th, 2024
Paris, 2:00 p.m.:
A security camera catches Carter wearing a button-up shirt with the sleeves cut off and a large chain necklace. In one hand he holds a bottle of wine, in the other an NPR tote bag containing a baguette and a single rose. It is unknown how he got there, but he bears the look of a man who has been double-crossed, left for dead, and doesn’t know what comes next.
7:00 p.m.:
Carter gives an impromptu public reading of a book he wrote just hours before. Everyone fortunate enough to have heard it claims it to be his magnum opus. It details his philosophy of humanitarianism, offers a solution to the conflicts in the Middle East that would absolutely work, and ends with a poem on the fertility of red Georgian soil that would make the most money-hungry conservative in the world weep like a child. He then lights his zippo and tosses it atop his manuscript, the only copy. When the crowd of Parisians, tears in their eyes, ask “Why?” Carter replies “Because the time for words is over. Now, it’s time for action.”
December 29th, 2024
Mendoza’s island, 6:00 a.m.:
Little is known about the final showdown between Jimmy Carter and his shadowy arch-nemesis Ramirez, but INTERPOL has been able to confirm a few key details:
Ramirez was overseeing child slaves loading his yacht with cocaine, cementing his status as extremely evil.
At some point, Carter performed a crazy motorcycle jump.
The guy from Carter’s crew who betrayed him to Ramirez turned good again at the very end, sacrificing himself to save Carter. Carter assured his dying friend that they would always be family, and he was dying a hero.
Carter coldly wished Ramirez a Happy New Year right before triggering the explosion that killed both men.
At the time of the explosion, Carter was fully erect.
It’s easy to despair facing the loss of one the greatest Americans in living history, but we should all try to remember the words of the man himself. “If I die going fast, don’t mourn me, because I died doing what I love.” Jimmy Carter, dead at age 100.
Clown From Slipknot Makes New Year’s Resolution to Hit a Beer Keg With His Baseball Bat at Least 50 Times a Day
By DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a day in 2025, sources confirmed.
“I fell into a routine with this thing and my skills diminished as a result,” Crahan said. “I’m not going to let them slip away, though. I consider it an honor and a privilege to undertake keg and bat duty in Slipknot. Starting now, it’s going to be 50 hits a day, no excuses. I’m also going to keep proper form at the highest priority. No more half-assed, one-handed swings. Going forward, I’m choking up with both hands and staying on the balls of my feet with my weight concentrated on my right side. Just wait until you see me a year from now. It’ll be like a completely new man working the keg on that stage.”
Fan Justin Richer remarked on Crahan’s resolution.
“I just saw Slipknot at their Sacramento show in October,” Richer mentioned. “They were awesome, as usual, but I definitely got the feeling that Clown was phoning it in on the keg. It just didn’t seem like he was putting forth his best effort, even when they played ‘Duality,’ which is where the keg work is most prominent. It was disheartening because there are millions of people who would kill to be swinging that bat up there. I’m glad he’s determined to better himself, though. Honestly, I had been considering swearing off my fandom entirely, but now I’m excited to see them perform after he’s improved his skills.”
Nu-metal life coach Aubrey Carvalho offered her expertise on the situation.
“New Year’s is a great time for our favorite Tripp pants-donning musicians to improve upon their performances,” Carvalho offered. “Whether it’s Fred Durst dusting up on his slow-motion pelvic thrust to full-body headbang he demonstrated so adroitly in the ‘Faith’ music video, or Mudvayne’s Ryan Martinie perfecting the creepy smile in time with his iconic bass line to ‘Dig,’ the decision to resolve to better themselves at the start of the new year is commendable. It’s my job as a life coach to make sure they stick to it, and you’d better believe I’m going to make sure Clown keeps hitting that keg.”
At press time, Slipknot’s other percussionist also vowed to mime masturbating the long nose on his mask for at least an hour every day.
Look, There’s a Lot Happening in the World Now but I Really Think You Should Give Frank Zappa Another Listen
By Endless wars. Corporate Greed. Decline of living wages. There are many societal woes in this country that continue to get worse with little positivity in sight. Many issues feel out of our control. Still, there is one issue that remains in your control, and it’s your refusal to check out my Zappa recommendations.
I know we’ve been through this before, but I really think you will enjoy his work if you heard the right tracks. You probably haven’t heard the best stuff. He released sixty-two albums and a hundred twenty-nine more posthumously. I refuse to believe that you bothered to give all of that a listen. His ability to blend genres is far too vast for you to hear a couple of songs and go “I’m done here. He’s just trying too hard to be weird and coming off pretentious”.
As you fear for the future of this country and planet as a whole, take a few hours out of each day to appreciate the soothing music of complex time signatures mixed with kazoo sounds. Lots of great orchestral jazz adjacent experimental work from albums like Hot Rats, Lumpy Gravy, Civilization Phaze III, and ofcourse, Jazz From Hell. I know you said before that you are not into long instrumental jazz pieces with improv dialogue, especially how one features the comedy of uh, Michael Rapaport, but what if I told you that the music sometimes sounded like a Fred Flintstone running on his tippy toes?
Check out the song “I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth” and you’ll be thinking “what kind of drugs was he smoking when he came up with that one?” Zappa never did drugs once. He was pure Zappa. That’s what makes him special. I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth is not something he came up with high, but something from the heart. It’s good to remember such passion as you pace back and forth wondering if its possible to raise children in our inevitable future.
Please, please, PLEASE stop watching the news and check out his movies as well. 200 Motels, Baby Snakes, and Uncle Meat are great as long as you skip the terrible attempts at comedy and focus on the animation each one has for about 10 minutes which are all very good. Or perhaps you’d feel better if you heard the music live. He may no longer be with us but his son Dweezil continues to perform all the songs his dad wrote about banging groupies.
It’s time to open that mind, stop having panic attacks, and concentrate on the meaning behind “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow.”
Total Loser Spends New Year’s Eve Partying and Having Fun With a Bunch of People in Magical Night They’ll Never Forget
By Chris Bowen
NEW YORK — Total loser Jay Draboll plans to spend his entire New Year’s Eve partying with friends in what will be deemed an unforgettable night, confirmed sources from their couch.
“I’m going to get blackout drunk so it’ll be an extra memorable evening,” said Draboll while buying novelty 2025 glasses. “There’s going to be friends, booze, games, barnyard animals, carnival rides, candle-making classes, a Danny DeVito lookalike, basket-weaving tutorials, meth, a Gin Blossoms cover band, Settlers of Catan tournament, illegal gambling, Civil War reenactors, Jake Paul’s security guard, bath salts, LARPing, Russian roulette, model train demonstrations, and a live tiger. Sure, it might sound like a small affair to some, but it’s the little things that make me happy. Plus, I get to binge drink and no one is allowed to judge me for it. What a time to be alive and intoxicated.”
Friends of Draboll wished he wasn’t such a nerd when it came to holidays.
“What kind of dork parties on New Year’s Eve with a close group of 50 friends?” said longtime pal Derek Volcan without breaking eye contact with his television. “Me on the other hand, I cannot wait to take an edible, eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and stream ‘Alf’ with my cat before nodding off at 9:30 p.m. and getting a good night’s sleep. It’s going to be the best evening of the year even though it looks identical to every other night of the last 365 days. Besides, the last time I went to a party I accidentally made three or four new friends. Gross.”
Experts highlighted a “to each their own” strategy when it comes to the last holiday of the year.
“Partying is unique to each individual,” said social psychologist Dwayne Mars. “Some prefer the company of as many people as possible to distract from the existential dread of another year’s passing and the realization that we are closer to death. Others actually embrace the nothingness of life and just want to believe that New Year’s Eve is just another day. Either way, we are all losers on the inside.”
At press time, total dweeb Draboll already had plans to sleep in until 3:00 p.m. and order Thai on New Year’s Day to nurse his inevitable hangover.
Well-Intentioned White Guy Hitting Wakanda Forever Emote a Little Too Much During Marvel Rivals Match
BY Chad Kubrak
LOS ANGELES — Several “Marvel Rivals” players have reported the overuse of the “Wakanda Forever” emote by a white Black Panther main during a recent match, sources confirmed earlier this week.
“I’ve been a fan of the character for as long as I can remember, we don’t get many heroes in the mainstream who look like him,” said Eli Wilson, a fellow Black Panther main.“Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of other favorites, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a little annoyed when someone beats me to him. But, yeah, this guy was really hogging him. Like, it was cool or whatever, but after every kill he was hitting that shit. The emotes are cool and everything, but it kind of weirded me out when he said he was creating a ‘safe space for intergalactic Black voices’ as a ‘melanin-deficient individual.’ Let me just play my favorite hero, man.”
Other players expressed irritation with the white Black Panther player, citing disruption to the flow of combat and unreliability as a team player.
“I think we all hit emotes in that pre-game lobby, it’s pretty much human nature at this point,” said Jerrod Benson, a Venom main. “But it’s like, damn! The whole match he was up on the payload, ‘Wakanda forever!’ ‘Wakanda forever!’ getting sniped, punched, you name it. Even Wolverine landed a kill. Everybody in chat was on his ass about it, too. The only time he’d take a break was to tell us ‘nonviolence was the answer,’ and how MLK taught him that peace is the only way to stop the oppressor, which he said was the only reason he didn’t ‘lay his cracker uncle out at Thanksgiving.’ His words, not mine, by the way.”
Alternatively, another player was disgusted by his opponent’s attempted show of solidarity.
“You’re white, pal. Don’t get the whole woke charade, have some freakin’ pride in yourself and your own country, not goddamn Wakanda,” said Captain America main, Chuck Winter. “Bunch of these kids are brainwashed. I’m a Steve Rogers guy through and through, none of that anti-white crap. Let’s see Marvel do a White Panther skin, bet they won’t. I’m just waiting for them to add Sabra and Whitewash Jones.”
Several outlets attempted to reach out to the elusive Black Panther player, but were promptly killed by a Punisher turret.
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