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Hard Digest March 7: State of the Union and International Women's Day Early Access and More
Joe Biden Spends The Entire State of The Union Explaining How True Emo Only Comes From The Washington D.C. Hardcore SceneBY STEPHEN BELLWASHINGTON — Observers of Thursday’s State of The Union address were surprised by Joe Biden’s speech after he spent the entire time talking about how true Emo music only comes fr...
Hard Digest March 6: Rooster Teeth, Early Access Suicidal Tendencies, Sexting, Death, and Much More
Suicidal Tendencies Now Going By “Suicidal Ideation” After Making Progress In TherapyBY KIMBERLY SCOTTLOS ANGELES — Members of Suicidal Tendencies announced they will be changing their band name to Suicidal Ideation after reaching an important milestone in therapy this week, multiple sources confirmed.“I heard ...
Hard Digest March 5: Jeff Bezos, Early Access Jane Doe, Taxes, and More
Scrappy Underdog Jeff Bezos Defies Odds And Reclaims World’s Richest Man TitleBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFSEATTLE — Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos once again reclaimed the title of “World’s Richest Man” by pulling himself up from his bootstraps and working extra hours to make more money than one human could possibly sp...
Hard Digest March 4: Yuzu, Early Access Courtney Love, BDSM, Cocaine, and More
Gen X Man 100% Feminist Unless Someone Mentions Courtney LoveBY DAN BOOKBINDERPORTLAND, Ore. — Local 49-year-old Corey Nulf was a self-proclaimed feminist until anyone around mentions musician Courtney Love, confirmed sources who turned off “The People vs. Larry Flynt” movie when he entered the room.“Despite be...
Hard Digest March 3: Early Access "Gylcerine," Dopamine, Home Schooling, and More
Gavin Rossdale Reveals He Wrote “Glycerine” About His Tortured Relationship With a Rectal SuppositoryBY MIRIAM JAYARATNALOS ANGELES — Gavin Rossdale, the frontman of the popular ‘90s rock band Bush, disclosed that the band’s hit single was supposed to be titled “Glycerin,” and was inspired by a fraught li...
Hard Digest March 3: Early Access Fred Durst, Hallmark, Edibles, and More
Fred Durst’s Neighbor Requests Next Time He Borrows Chainsaw He Doesn’t Return It Covered in Ass SkinBY STEPHEN BELLLOS ANGELES – The neighbor of Fred Durst is reportedly nonplussed after his chainsaw was returned absolutely covered in the skin of someone’s ass after allowing the Limp Bizkit frontman to borrow ...
ANNOUNCEMENT: New Benefit for Hard Head $25 a Month Members
Hello again everyone,Bill here, Editor-in-Chief and cofounder of The Hard Times. I took an old computer out of storage and realized it has the ability to burn CDs and has my iTunes music library that is filled with gems up until about about 2013. So, for anyone in the $25 tier I will make you a completely personalized ...
Do you want to be in a photo for The Hard Times?
Hello everyone,Have you ever been looking at a Hard Times photo and thought "that could be me, I'm way better looking than that person"? Well today could be the day you make that happen. We have some upcoming headlines that we need art for, if you like the headline and think you might be a good fit for it t...
Hard Digest March 1: Sigur Rós, Early Access Dashboard Confessional, Baconator, and More
ASL Interpreter in Way Over Their Head After Hired to Work Upcoming Sigur Rós US TourBY BOBBY KORECDETROIT — Local American sign language interpreter Luke Phisher felt completely overwhelmed after being hired to work the upcoming US tour for the Icelandic band Sigur Rós, confirmed sources who wondered if they still...
Hard Digest Feb. 29: Gaza, Early Access Black Flag, Burzum, Adoption, and More
‘Hundreds Relieved of Existence Following Spirited Mishap at Gaza Food Truck’ Writes New York Times Editor About War CrimeBY MATT HUSSERNEW YORK — New York Times headliner editor Percy Howard patted himself on the back today after writing a headline describing Israeli soldiers opening fire on unarmed Palestinians...
Hard Digest Feb. 28: Texas Wild Fires, Mitch McConnell, Early Access AC/DC, Train, and More
Gov. Abbott Enlists Texas National Guard to Shoot at WildfiresBY TIM GRAHAMAUSTIN, Texas — Governor Greg Abbott deployed Texas National Guard troops to combat the rapidly spreading wildfires in the state’s Panhandle, according to his press conference’s increasingly confused-looking ASL interpreter.“We’re conf...
Hard Digest Feb. 27: Early Access Christian Ska, Girl Scout Cookies, and More
Priest Suffers Crisis of Faith After Hearing Christian Ska BandBY MATT HUSSERMINNEAPOLIS — Local priest Pastor Stephen Kramer is reportedly suffering a crisis of faith after hearing Christian ska band Skadom and Gomhorna play for his congregation, members of his church confirmed.“War, famine, disease—I’ve alway...
Hard Digest Feb. 26: Early Access Imagine Dragons, 2024 Election, the Specials, and More
Fire Alarm That Plays Imagine Dragons Guarantees Total EvacuationBY CHARLES BILLLOS ANGELES — Gnull Industries recently announced a new fire alarm that guarantees total room evacuation by blaring songs from pop rock band Imagine Dragons, confirmed sources who left the building just thinking about it.“I got the idea...
Hard Digest Feb. 25: Early Access Crust Punks, Nepo Babies, 90 Day Fiancé and More
Crust Punk Siphons Gas for the FlavorBY ALEC WALKERPORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas for its exquisite flavor, multiple sources confirmed.“I don’t see anything wrong with having a litt...
Hard Digest Feb. 24: Skateboarding, Early Access Swing Revival, Social Anxiety, Ketamine and More
Current Owner of House From Cover of ‘Rohnert Park’ Asks Again That Visiting Fans Refrain From Practicing Kickflips In Street After Posted Quiet HoursBY TIM GRAHAMROHNERT PARK, Calif. — Homeowner Ben Founier admits he’s losing patience with fans who attempt to recreate Ceremony’s famous cover shot outside his...
Hard Digest Feb. 23: Fuckin' Slayer, Tekken, Early Access Fast & Furious, Nostalgia, Alcoholism, and More
Slayer Fan Hopes Reunion Tour Schedule Doesn’t Conflict With Capitol Riot Court DateBY MATT HUSSERJACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local metalhead Trent Clayton remains hopeful that the Slayer reunion festival tour schedule didn’t conflict with his pending Capitol Riot court date, confirmed multiple sources.“Just my luck, ...
Hard Digest Feb. 22: AT&T Outage, Jane Goodall, Early Access Mrs. Doubtfire, Folk Punk, and More
AT&T Outage Forces Commuters to Listen to Something Called ‘Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show’BY TIM GRAHAMDALLAS — Cellular giant AT&T’s massive outage caused disruption to vital services and prevented customers from listening to their preferred podcasts and music during their morning commutes, which forced...
Hard Digest Feb. 21: Alabama, Early Access Ego Death, LinkedIn, Nintendo Direct, and More
Alabama Supreme Court Set to Decide Constitutionality of Pulling OutBY JOSH BAUMGARTMONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Supreme Court of Alabama ruled in a groundbreaking decision that embryos are “extrauterinal children” and plans to next decide the Constitutionality of “pulling out,” sources confirmed.“This is just th...
Hard Digest Feb. 20: The Beatles, George R.R. Martin, Plus Early Access Metal Band Names and More
Sam Mendes’ Ringo Movie Mostly Drum Fills and Smoking as Rest of Band ArguesBY BEN FRIEDMANLOS ANGELES — Acclaimed film director Sam Mendes announced that his ambitious portrayal of the Beatles, which will be told through four separate films focusing on each member, will feature drummer Ringo Starr mostly chain smo...
(Almost) Banned on IG
Sometimes our content gets removed from Facebook or Instagram it is has a pretty negative effect on our ability to put our stuff in front of the people that follow us, sometimes we get it though. We think "yeah, ok we were intentionally pushing some buttons here." But today's removal was amusing. A referenc...
Hard Digest 02/19: Trump Shows, Early Access Trust Funds, Dragons, and Helldivers 2
Bootlicker Seamlessly Transitions to Trump Sneaker LickerBY BOBBY KORECNEW WINDSOR, Md. — Longtime cop enthusiast Lou Mandin seamlessly transitioned from a locally known bootlicker to a Trump sneaker licker after purchasing the former president’s new footwear for $399, sources confirmed.“Believe me, if cops had a...
Hard Digest Feb. 18: Early Access Arpeggios, Patches, and More
Punk Sews Slightly Larger Patch Over Canceled Band’s LogoBY AUDREY VIEIRABALTIMORE — Local punk Ricky Turnbull disavowed disgraced pop punk band Finisher’s Medal by covering their once-prominent patch on his jacket with a slightly larger one bearing a less problematic band’s logo, sources preparing a defamation...
Hard Digest Feb. 17: Early Access Johnny Ramone, Perverts, Catalytic Converters, and More
Oh No: I Was Visited by the Ghost of Johnny Ramone Last Night and He Was Wearing a MAGA HatBY CHRIS BOWENLast night, I was visited by a punk rock god by the name of Johnny Ramone. Well, not exactly visited by him in person, because his physical body has been dead for 20 years now, but it was certainly his ghost. And al...
Hard Digest Feb. 16: Weekend Early Access, Air Drumming, Snoop, Pokemon and So Much More
Teen Shocked to Learn Commercial Spokesperson Snoop Dogg Used to be a MusicianBY PATRICK COYNESPOKANE, Wash. — Local Gen Alpha teen Angelina Stephenson was shocked and appalled to learn that famed commercial actor Snoop Dogg was not only not a fictional mascot, but once a well-respected musician, confirmed sources wh...
Hard Digest Feb. 15: Early Access Dispensary Throwback Night, Generational Trauma, Fortnite and more
America Combines Most Popular Sport With Most Popular TragedyBY JOSH BAUMGARTKANSAS CITY, Mo. — A mass shooting that left one dead and at least 30 others injured at the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Parade, left sociologists wondering if our country has witnessed what some are calling a “peak American event.”“O...
Hard Times Book Giveaway for Patrons
Did you know we put out a book detailing the first 40 years of our publication? We break down our top coverage from each decades music and culture scene.Let’s give one away to a Patron. Here’s the game: post your favorite DEEP CUT article from Hard Times or Hard Drive in the comments. Nothing that was super popular...
Hard Digest Feb. 14: First Look at Trump's VP Choice, Belle & Sebastian, JRPGs, and So Much More
Trump VP Shortlist Includes Tim Scott, Kristi Noem, Frankenstein-Like Abomination Made From DNA of History’s Greatest MonstersBY TIM GRAHAMPALM BEACH, Fla. — Former president Donald Trump teased his top picks for vice president during a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, according to gaudily-dressed sycophants in...
Hard Digest Feb. 13: Early Access Valentine's Day, Modest Mouse, and More
Punk With New Boyfriend Suddenly No Longer Calling Valentine’s Day “Disgusting Corporate Capitalist Scam”BY JESSICA LILLIANNewburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in a relations...
Hard Digest Feb. 12: Phoebe Buffay, Tucker Carlson, Cold Plunges, The Muppets and More
Folk Punk Legend Phoebe Buffay Announces First Shows in Over 20 YearsBY JOHN DANEKNEW YORK — 1990s folk punk icon Phoebe Buffay announced her first live performances in over two decades which will take place this summer in cities across the US, according to the artist’s publicist.“I’m so excited to be playing m...
An Update to Our Posting "Strategy"
Sorry for the cornball corporate speak, but it was brought to our attention that every time we post in here it sends an email. Which could be up to 9 or 10 emails a day from us and that is super annoying. We are going to start consolidating the posts into something almost like a newsletter that gets sent out later in t...
