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Hard Digest Feb. 25: Early Access Crust Punks, Nepo Babies, 90 Day Fiancé and More
🕑 Added 2024-02-26 01:04:17 +0000 UTCCrust Punk Siphons Gas for the Flavor
BY ALEC WALKER
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas for its exquisite flavor, multiple sources confirmed.
“I don’t see anything wrong with having a little tasty fun. Once the sun sets and my shit-covered black leather jacket is veiled by the dark of night, it’s gas-sucking time,“ said Johnson, while somehow still reeking of cigarettes despite being drenched in gasoline. “I’d put the gas in my own car, but it’s in the shop right now, which is to say it’s beneath an underpass, has zero wheels, and is honestly more of a tent at this point. I just needed an excuse to sneak a little taste of the good shit, or, more accurately, a few sustained gulps like I’m shotgunning a beer.”
PPD Deputy Brunt Miller weighed in on Johnson’s apprehension.
“We’ve arrested this freak like ninety times, but he always gets off scot-free,” said Miller while curiously Googling “ok to drink gas Reddit” in incognito mode. “His defense in court is that no harm has been done because he always leaves a few bucks under the windshield wiper of the cars after he’s finished, and only does it because ‘it tastes like the forbidden elixir of the gods I don’t believe in.’ That line is honestly sick as hell, but it’s getting out of hand. He started doing it to everyone’s cars in the precinct parking lot. It’s like he’s taunting us.”
Former punk and one of Johnson’s victims Gertrude Wilhelm shared a gentler perspective.
“I don’t know, I just think he’s such a sweetie. It reminds me of my punk days. My friends and I would hang out, or I guess live, on the sidewalk next to an abandoned J.C. Penney and boof antifreeze,” said Wilhem nostalgically. “I always have a gas tank ready and waiting in a tree whenever he wants to climb up for a sip. It’s like a bird feeder, if bird feeders were filled with premium high-octane diesel for adult men.”
At press time, Johnson was seen skulking his way onto the tarmac to go after “his white whale,” 747 jet fuel.
Meet the Nepo Baby Who Beat the Odds by Achieving Nothing
BY KJ GENUALDO
While the music scene surges with nepo babies, one musician breaks the mold. Meet Graham Miller, a 26-year-old artist who defied the insurmountable odds by achieving nothing despite abundant connections and wealth.
Graham comes from a distinguished film family led by his Academy Award-winning father, George Miller. At first, the musician took the common approach of the rich and well-connected: choosing to simulate poverty.
“People love an underdog, so I kept my background under wraps.” Still, the musician revealed the substantial investments made on his behalf behind the scenes—singing lessons, top-tier equipment, professional management, and extensive marketing—all of which seem to have been in vain.
Former classmates, however, tell a different story. One recalled “Oh we all knew. He’d start namedropping within the first 5 minutes of meeting him.” Another stated: “Playing coffee shops is cool, but then you find out who his dad is and it’s like wow, he should be doing way better than he is.”
He eventually tried to lean into it, desperately leveraging his father’s status. “I thought, you know, maybe the fact that my dad directed “Babe 2: Pig In The City” might come in clutch. I mean, who didn’t like “Babe?”
The musician stated that while it was disheartening to exhaust every industry connection at his disposal and still come up short, it proves that privilege and class matter far less than people think.
Still, this doesn’t explain the fact that many of his peers have been able to use their connections to their advantage– In a music industry where nepotism is often scrutinized, these so-called nepo babies tend to defend themselves by claiming the business is a meritocracy. “I resent that because, like, what about me? No, it’s gotta be something else.”
In Graham’s perspective, If individuals from different financial backgrounds can find success in the music industry “There seems to be an intangible, inherent quality crucial for creating great art that transcends class. And if I can’t use my dad’s money to buy whatever that is am I really all that privileged?”
Friend Watching “90 Day Fiancé” Getting Pretty Liberal with the Term “Docuseries”
ALBANY— Local man Rudy Foster is getting pretty loose with the term “docuseries” after using it to describe his favorite reality television show “90 Day Fiancé,” fed-up sources confirmed.
“How dare they accuse me of only watching TLC trash. I saw the original ‘Catfish’ documentary in theaters! I even asked Nev to explain the ‘catfish’ metaphor again during the Q&A. This was back when MTV just didn’t play music videos,” said Foster. “It’s not my fault all of this high-quality documentary content is being turned into streaming series now. I remember when ‘The Queen of Versailles’ won a Sundance award. So just because the docuseries sequel landed on Discovery+, it’s suddenly below everyone? I’d say finally learning about their residential Benihana kitchen is the best storyline to date!”
Lucy Conrad, a longtime friend, isn’t buying this documentary snobbery.
“Maybe Rudy watched one David Attenborough docuseries ten years ago, but the last time I checked, his TV home screen was nothing but ’90 Day’ spinoffs. And I think it’s getting worse,” said Conrad in a worried tone. “We’ve noticed he’s been talking about Bret Michaels a lot recently. And I think that can only mean one thing: he’s rewatching ‘Rock of Love.’ Why else would someone suddenly bring up a conspiracy theory about how his hair is attached to his bandana? Yesterday, he went on a depressing tangent about how hard it must be for two people wearing cowboy hats to make out.”
Banks Robertson, a veteran documentarian, isn’t so upset about the changing entertainment landscape.
“Look, man, I don’t care what you call it. I’d never made a red cent from my work. When I started, it was hopping vans, traveling the country, and interviewing quirky characters along the way. Sure, I got a ton of praise for my documentary about the lives of urban explorers, but it also left me in massive debt,” said Robertson. “I couldn’t care less if you wanna watch reality shows now. Thank God someone out there will pay me to hold a camera. If I just agree to follow around much worse people, TLC will pay enough to partially fund my next project. One for them, one for me, I say. Well, more like 48 for them, half of one for me.”
At press time, Foster was overheard arguing that technically, the Deftones are a lot more “experimental art rock” than “nu metal."
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