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Hard Digest Feb. 21: Alabama, Early Access Ego Death, LinkedIn, Nintendo Direct, and More
🕑 Added 2024-02-22 01:00:05 +0000 UTCAlabama Supreme Court Set to Decide Constitutionality of Pulling Out
MONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Supreme Court of Alabama ruled in a groundbreaking decision that embryos are “extrauterinal children” and plans to next decide the Constitutionality of “pulling out,” sources confirmed.
“This is just the beginning in an important line of cases. We’ve got a major constitutional question on our hands,” said Chief Justice Tom Parker. “‘Pulling out’ prevents life. Now, like an embryo, does that beefy load have rights? We need to interrogate this and come to a decision on whether or not cream pies are the only way Alabamans should be having sexual intercourse. And, if so, who’s to say eggs aren’t life? They’re one of the two main ingredients. Which begs the question? Is menstruation murder? Legal minds should confer.”
Alabama citizens took to the streets to display feelings about the ruling with many displaying protest signs, while others vocalized their support.
“The only one who regulates me is God. So I’m not one for the government interfering in the personal lives of others unless it’s clearly what God wants. And if the government is carrying out what my religion wants then I ain’t got a problem with it,” said Prattville resident Billy Ray Hunter. “This doesn’t affect me much anyway, my wife died when a mule kicked her in the belly back in ‘06. I never found the time to remarry, besides, the doctor said my Mountain Dew habit killed most my swimmers anyway, so I ain’t worried anyhow.”
Legal scholars and law professors weighed in on the future of Alabama sexual fluid law.
“This decision does carry significant weight,” said Law Professor Patty Grant, “We’ve seen sort of a slippery slope argument being made with the legality of future IVF treatment facilities, and that’ll be furthered if the ejaculation evacuation is effectively outlawed. We might soon live in a state where male masturbation is outlawed. We may see a day when semen is considered ‘extra-testicular children.’ This is just a small glimpse of what the future could hold.”
At press time, Alabama’s most Googled search term became “can you get pregnant in hot tub.”
Man Who Experienced Ego Death Sure Loves Flaunting It
BY CAMERON SNOW
COLUMBIA, Mo. — Local psychedelic enthusiast Sam Roscoe, 27, is reportedly seizing every given opportunity to flaunt his ego death as an exercise in parading his newfound humility, confirmed multiple sources tired of the subject.
“I used to be so insufferable before the ego death I had during my most recent trip,” said Roscoe. “I was like a big walking ego, seeking validation from everyone around me. But now? I’ve ascended to a level of modesty so profound that you probably can’t even comprehend it. Think like the Buddha but with better hair. No longer am I confined to my own perspective. I’m one with the world now, in the sense that I plan on sharing this story with everyone in it.”
Roscoe’s longtime friend, Carson Clover, detailed the noticeable shift in Roscoe’s behavior after his psychedelic experience.
“His ego was definitely more dead before he took the shrooms,” said Clover. “Or perhaps his ego did die, only to be immediately reincarnated as a giant flashing neon sign that follows him everywhere. I cannot stop him from talking about how enlightened and empathetic he is, and trying to convince me to drop acid with him because I need to ‘get on his spiritual level.’ All I know is that a brave soul needs to slay his ego once and for all. Just do us all a favor and put the damn thing out of its misery, for my sake.”
Dr. Janine Park, a psychiatrist specializing in psychedelic therapy, offered her insights into the phenomenon of ego death.
“Psychedelic experiences can be profound and transformative,” explained Dr. Park. “But you must always be careful, lest you risk becoming what we in the industry refer to as ‘enlightenment bros–’ individuals who use their spiritual experiences not as a means of growth, but as bragging rights to their buddies and a chance to rack up karma on r/shrooms. Mr. Roscoe’s situation is quite unfortunate, really; it’s like watching a butterfly emerge from its cocoon, only to realize it is still, in fact, a teeny little caterpillar.”
At press time, witnesses were stunned as Roscoe held a funeral for his ego, complete with fireworks, in a public park.
How To Make Him Notice You by Emerging From the Bushes
BY MALIA SIMON
Ever find yourself in desperate desire of being noticed by your crush, but despite everything you do, he still doesn’t seem to even know you exist? Look no further: we have the perfect guide to finally getting him to look your way, the first step being emerging from the shrubs where you’ve been secretly couched for hours on end.
Girl, get out of those bushes!
We know it’s hard, as bushes provide a veil of secrecy unrivaled by most other foliage. But the first step to being noticed by your crush, or anyone for that matter, is revealing your hiding place. He might be surprised or shocked at first, exclaiming something like: “Have you just been crouching here behind me for the past 3 hours?” But look on the bright side: at least he is talking to you! In five year’s time, you’ll be telling your children this story.
Brush off those leaves
Don’t forget to brush off the leaves and dirt that have accumulated while you were burrowed deep in the encompassing tresses of the bush. After all, you want to look your best when you abruptly appear in front of him. At the same time, you don’t want to make it look like you’re trying too hard, so it can’t hurt to leave on one or two sticks so he doesn’t think you did yourself up just for him. Once you have emerged from the leaves and cleaned yourself up, he will have no choice but to say: “Seriously, have you been spying on me? And why are you wearing a disguise?”
Take off your disguise
If you really want your crush to notice you, you will have to go beyond just emerging from your hiding place, and will also have to remove your trench coat and fake mustache that have been keeping your identity a secret all this time. This step can also be hard, as your disguise has allowed you to move in stealth even when there aren’t any nearby bushes. But think about it this way: don’t you want him to see you for who you are? Not a mustached man, but, in fact, a shy girl who has been watching him from the bushes for the past six years?
Prepare an exit
The most important part of a conversation with your crush is the dismount. Your last step is to find a smooth and suave way of returning to the bushes, so suave that he might leave thinking the whole thing was a hallucination. If, through the binoculars, he looks like he’s beginning to doubt the reliability of his own senses, that’s a sign he likes you!
Report: 10 People Are Viewing Your LinkedIn Profile and They’re All Getting Off To It
BY MIMI KENNY
CHICAGO – An ongoing investigation found that, at this very moment, 10 people are looking at your LinkedIn profile and becoming insatiably aroused, multiple sweaty sources report.
“Oh fuck, a ‘go-getter’ and a ‘team player’ is like my wet dream,” recruiter Gina Logan said longingly as she read your bio, barely having a moment to catch her breath before seeing that you strongly believe cooperation is essential when it comes to achieving excellence “And ‘my career trajectory has shaped my life, and vice-versa?’ God, I need some air. I know for sure I’m not the only one who thinks this is unbearably erotic.”
Though LinkedIn has no shortage of desirable young, networking professionals like yourself, your account, in particular, has turned heads and stimulated nether regions in ways few others could ever begin to even dream of.
“This is why I pay for premium,” Fidelity Investments account manager Vince Schofield said while moaning in utter satisfaction as he slowly scrolled down and saw that you’re endorsed for both Digital Marketing and SEO. “I keep meaning to shoot a message where I say how much I’m into Sociology and Psychology double majors, but I don’t wanna come across as creepy. Is three winky face emojis too much? Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway.”
In addition to spurring lustful thoughts in these not-so-secret admirers, your LinkedIn profile, with a professional headshot of you giving that tawdry smile that screams “synergy-minded,” is spawning an enormous amount of sexuality discourse.
“The nature of arousal and attraction has never been a simple topic, of course,” sexologist Anita Stanfield said. “And judging by the response to this LinkedIn profile, it’s only gotten more complicated. We may think that our society has become sexually desensitized, and in a way, we have. But if there’s anything this profile proves, it’s that we can just as easily become ‘re-sensitized. I’m sorry. I better put it down before I get too carried away.”
At press time, none of the 10 people currently getting off to your profile are able to offer any employment at this time. However, they will all keep your resumé on-file and reach out in the event of any future openings.
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Mother 3 Fans Overrun Japanese Borders in Desperate Asylum Bid After Nintendo Direct Disaster
TOKYO – Japanese immigration officials are reportedly struggling to keep up with unending waves of Mother 3 fans landing on their coastline in improvised ships and flotation devices, following a disastrous Nintendo Partner Direct announcement the game would only be available on Nintendo Switch Online in Japan.
“We can take no more Mother 3 fans,” said Haruto Abiko, head of Japan’s immigration office. “You can visit our country for some short period with the proper paperwork, figure out how to download the game, but then you must return home to what I assume is a very shameful lifestyle.”
Official numbers are in dispute, but some estimates are that as many as 200,000 Mother 3 fans have already landed on the coastline as well by commercial airline.
“I am fleeing the political persecution of my people,” one Mother 3 fan said while sneaking out of a plane’s cargo hull. “If I can’t play this game I might as well be dead. So if you turn me away my blood is on your hands.”
The situation has reportedly caused international concern, with the UN calling a special meeting to decide on next steps.
“The millions of people displaced by this Nintendo Partner Direct has the ability to destabilize the region,” said António Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations. “I am calling on all leaders to take in some of these poor souls. We took a few and they aren’t that bad – a little awkward sure, can’t really make eye contact – but ultimately fine. Good at computers too.”
While several political leaders in Japan have applauded the Mother 3 fans and their “right to game,” some far right organizations announced a protest against government plans to provide each gamer migrant with a Nintendo Switch charging cable and $10 E-shop gift card.
Veracity of Elden Ring DLC Gameplay Trailer Questioned as It Didn’t Show Me Shooting Bosses From as Far Away as Possible
BY DAN KATZ
Gamers worldwide are buzzing with excitement and readying their most resilient thumbstick covers after watching the gameplay trailer for Elden Ring: Shadow of the Erdtree. But me, I’m not so sure, as I must unfortunately question the veracity of this supposed official “gameplay” video because at no point did I ever see myself shooting bosses at range from as far away as possible.
My character, Flippin Gizzards, is of the Astrologer class. You think I want to get up close and personal with my 73 Intelligence and 15 Strength? No way. But all I see in the trailer is swordplay and kicking, not me giving the Draconic Tree Sentinel as wide of a berth as possible while I circle safely on my Spectral Steed and shoot him with Loretta’s Greatbow.
Hell, the only time I saw anyone use a ranged weapon in the trailer, they were less than ten feet away from their enemy. I’m out here raining half-court shots like Damian Lillard in the NBA All-Star Game. At a minimum, I’m distracting Godrick with Spirit Ashes while I spam Rock Sling from the logo. It’s Dame Time in Limgrave.
My son loved the trailer, but that’s because he sits there dual-wielding Brick Hammers. Just roll and attack, roll and attack, he tells me. Sure, I’ll stand there underneath a boss’s balls while I wave my hands around like an idiot. Remember what Pumola did to Ricardo Morra in Bloodsport?
Dragons? Loretta’s Greatbow, run away, Loretta’s Greatbow, run away. Hell, I’ll cheese someone by sneaking up behind them and hitting them with Poison Mist over and over if I have to. But if I go by the trailer, it’s a good idea to run right next to a gigantic, flaming, wicker boss? Not for me, thank you.
So for now, until I see representation of who I am as an Elden Ring player, I will remain skeptical that the DLC trailer was actually real.
Nintendo Partner Direct Dedicates 5 Minutes to Laughing at Hollow Knight Fans
BY MATT FRESH
Hollow Knight fans who watched today’s Nintendo Partner Direct were treated to a special 5-minute segment dedicated to them. They watched with bated breath hoping that something on the showcase would have a segment that mentioned Silksong and Nintendo gave them exactly that as a special segment was dedicated to laughing at them for expecting any actual announcement.
The segment was kicked off with Doug Bowser who said, “We know Hollow Knight fans are watching right now asking themselves ‘Where Silksong’ and we’re very excited for the next five minutes to be made just for you.”
Bowser was then joined by other Nintendo executives and Xbox’s Phil Spencer as they pointed at the camera and laughed hysterically for five minutes straight. At the halfway mark, a message appeared on screen inviting viewers to join in and laugh with them at anyone they know who was expecting Silksong news.
After the event Bowser explained the inclusion of the segment.,
“We know that Hollow Knight fans were looking forward to this Direct as they do all Directs, hoping that Silksong will get a release date. I knew we couldn’t just not bring it up because that wouldn’t be fair to everyone who tuned in with the deluded idea it would be there so we decided to have some fun,” he said. “I hope they don’t take it too hard, I mean it could always be worse, they could be Metroid Prime fans.”
Phil Spencer said he was happy to make the cameo.
“At Xbox, we gave Hollow Knight fans hope that Silksong would come out within a year all the far back in June 2022 so it only felt right that I join in laughing at them. I’m really grateful for the invite,” he said.
At press time, Hollow Knight fans are certain Silksong will be at the next Direct.
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