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Hard Digest Feb. 26: Early Access Imagine Dragons, 2024 Election, the Specials, and More
🕑 Added 2024-02-27 01:00:05 +0000 UTCFire Alarm That Plays Imagine Dragons Guarantees Total Evacuation
BY CHARLES BILL
LOS ANGELES — Gnull Industries recently announced a new fire alarm that guarantees total room evacuation by blaring songs from pop rock band Imagine Dragons, confirmed sources who left the building just thinking about it.
“I got the idea when I was in Target,” explained Gnull CEO Dee Irmao. “I was shopping for a pair of socks when I heard some cringeworthy song come on the loudspeakers. The second I heard lyrics about a ‘believer’ I automatically ran towards the fire exit, along with all the other patrons. When I got outside and took several Advil, I had the epiphany: This music could be used to make people flee in terror. Perfect for a fire alarm. We’re also going to make a radon detector that plays ‘Radioactive,’ so be on the lookout for that. We were already approved for the patents. Turns out, it’s way easier to use someone else’s music for your personal benefit than I thought.”
Although initially insulted, the band came around when they were shown the potential licensing earnings.
“I was pissed for a few days, but then I tried to listen to some of our music and I got it,” said lead singer Dan Reynolds. “Day one these fire alarms start selling out, and we’re drowning in royalty checks. Honestly when we started this band we were just looking to make songs to play during action movie trailers and Toyota commercials, but this is a new purpose. Now we can save lives instead of ruining someone’s day. I am still pretty annoyed that the CIA uses our music for enhanced interrogation so much.”
Top audiologists worked hard to explain the phenomenon of fleeing in the face of Imagine Dragons.
“We played it for mice in a maze and they just ate one another,” said Chair of Audiology at Johns Hopkins Dr. Brenda Fo. “Apparently something about Imagine Dragons music triggers the flight or fight response in mammals, causing them to leave where the music is playing or die trying. Lizards are totally cool with it, for whatever reason. The human mind cannot possibly process the sheer levels of cheesy arena rock and goes into overload. Escape becomes the only option.”
At press time, Gnull Industries was developing a new smoke alarm that only plays “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.”
You Will Look Me in the Eye When I Announce Tonight’s Specials
BY JEFF BENDER
Good evening, my name is Sam, and I will be your server tonight. Before we get started, I have a few specials off the menu. Care to hear about them? Perfect.
For the appetizer, I have a sesame-encrusted wasabi tuna. Now that tuna is served with minced jalapeño, cilantro, and . . . Excuse me—ha—are you looking at your wife? Does she know specials? There are nineteen ingredients in the tuna. I’ve listed two. Would you care to hear the other seventeen before I lose my mind? Perfect.
The tuna is slathered in canola oil and brushed with an egg-white glaze. We then drizzle it with a balsamic reduction and spank it with a meat paddle before stuffing it with . . . I’m sorry, do these sexual verbs embarrass you when a stranger says them? They don’t? Then stop looking away.
Where was I? We spank the tuna . . . We then marinate it in soy sauce and ginger tea. Finally, we garnish it with a simple—WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT THE MENU WHEN I TOLD YOU THE SPECIALS AREN’T IN THERE? You’re going to hear what we garnish it with, asshole, or your night is about to get fucking crazy.
Wait, you’re really going to do that thing where you pretend to look me in the eye but instead look at my forehead? Do you think I’m twelve? Look me right here and try to keep your shit together when I say that we garnish the tuna with a simple potato chip. A potato chip! Was that not worth the wait?
Perfect. Now for the entree special, I have a veal Orloff. Why do I say “I have” when I neither procured nor prepared it? That’s sorta my thing. You have a question? You “don’t want to hear about the veal”? You’re “vegan”? Sir, I didn’t stay up until four a.m. last night memorizing the specials to hear you’re suddenly vegan. What about the egg-white glaze on the tuna? Were you vegan then?
All right, sir, listen. You feel that vice grip on the back of your neck? That means you’re going to hear about the veal. And then I’m going to serve you the veal. And you’re going to eat the veal. And you will look me in the eye when you eat it.
Any questions? I’ll give you a minute to decide.
Centrist Doesn’t Care Who Wins Election as Long as They All Have Fun
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local centrist Harris Miller revealed that he doesn’t care who wins the 2024 presidential election as long as each candidate has a blast running for office, confirmed sources.
“Everything is so political these days, especially politics and I just think that’s wrong,” said Miller, eating a plate of jalapeño poppers while his friends heatedly brought up the Supreme Court overthrowing Roe v Wade. “Because, regardless of whether it’s Republicans doing objectively racist nonsense, or Democrats selling out their base and giving in to corporate interests, what’s most important is both sides having a good time. I mean, they’re called parties for a reason: they’re supposed to be fun! And let’s be honest, it’s not like it’s a matter of life or death. At least not for me.”
Miller’s self-proclaimed “chillaxed” centrist worldview apparently also extends far beyond politics.
“It’s genuinely mind-numbing. He fence sits on everything and then just spins it as being a pragmatist,” said Maria Connors, Miller’s ex-girlfriend. “I honestly didn’t think anybody could watch ‘Star Wars,’ see what the Empire was doing, and think ‘Let’s not jump to conclusions. We should hear them out.’ But Harris did. I’m not joking. He actually said that. Verbatim. And I’m not talking about the prequels. He said that during the original ‘Star Wars’ after the Death Star blows up that planet.”
Theresa Williams, Professor of Political Science at UVM, believes Miller’s unwillingness to pick a side based on “not wanting to be a bummer” is becoming more and more common.
“We’re seeing this alarming pattern take hold. As nationalism, police brutality, and hate crimes rise at a shocking pace, there seems to be this new assumption that taking either side of any issue is automatically extreme. Even if that issue is being racist or not being racist,” said Williams. “So now more and more people are taking what appears to be an extreme centrist stance in response. The centrist of today wants to make sure everyone ‘vibes out’ by entirely disregarding common sense, human decency, and science. It’s frustrating for those of us that need to know if we have to block you on social media or not. Give us something.”
At press time, Miller was overheard telling his friends to stop worrying about the climate crisis and come “bro down” at his parents’ summer house.
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Conservative News Media in Talks to Remake Classic “Video Games Cause Gun Violence” Talking Points
BY RO ROVITO
LOS ANGELES — Conservative news media outlets are in talks to revitalize an old fan-favorite scapegoat across their programming platforms. At a press conference today, Real American News, or RAN, announced plans to roll out an upcoming remake of their old “Video Games Cause Gun Violence” talking points.
“The past decade has been absolutely wild for us. Between ‘Fake News’ and QAnon, we’ve hardly had to argue against true, hard facts in order to fear monger. We’ve been able to just make stuff up and say whatever we want, with almost no pushback,” said news anchor Scott Flannery. “We’ve decided that it’s time to bring back some of our older, simpler talking points because it’s become too tough to keep all the misinformation straight.”
Many executives are hoping that an appeal to nostalgia will bring any lapsed viewers back into the fray.
“Everybody does remakes, so why shouldn’t we? They redid Ghostbusters twice already,” said head of programming Laurie Pepper. “Coming up with new things to scare our viewers costs money. People don’t like new. New is confusing, new requires learning. How many people do you know that just rewatch episodes of Friends that they’ve already seen a hundred times?
“We’re giving the people what they want, something they already know. Blaming gun violence on mental health hasn’t been working for us; there’s too much nuance. Blaming it on video games is easy: you shoot people in the game, so you do it for real, we send our thoughts and prayers and call it a day,” Pepper said while circling names on a list of interns she plans to harass today.
Real American News superfans in attendance were excited by this nostalgic return to form.
“It’s bringing me back to my childhood! I was in elementary school when RAN blamed Virginia Tech on Counter-Strike. Things were so much simpler then,” said obsessive news watcher Kyle Davis. “So many things are so complicated and scary now, it’ll be really nice to just have one thing to direct all my anger and hatred at, aside from minorities. The nostalgia is hype—oh, I hope they bring that lawyer, Jack Thompson, back!”
At press time, the Grand Theft Auto VI trailer was still being discussed on every conservative news station every sixty minutes since it was revealed online.
The Weeknd Announces Permanent Residency in Fortnite Item Shop
BY LUKE DAMMANN
HOLLYWOOD — It’s an exciting time to be a Fortnite player, with global pop sensation The Weeknd announcing he’ll be a part of the virtual world until we’re literally all dead.
“Oh yeah we’re gonna keep the Battle Bus rocking forever and ever” exclaimed Abel Tesfaye, who goes by his stage name The Weeknd. “I’m incredibly excited to make one million dollars every week because of this new partnership.”
The world-renowned singer and artist made his Fortnite debut back in December, forever changing the way kids crank the 90s and yell about hackers. For months, The Weeknd could be seen sitting in the virtual store, practically begging five-year-olds to purchase him with their parent’s credit card. This new, unprecedented collaboration with Epic Games means that The Weeknd will be available via the item shop forever.
Many gamers wondered just how long The Weeknd would be staying in the shop, with a big component of Fortnite being its timed exclusivity. Other skins like Black Widow, Deadpool and the infamous Renegade Raider skins have not been rereleased in the shop for quite a long time, giving them legendary status. However, with the news of a permanent residency in the shop, players no longer need to worry, as they have an infinite amount of time to purchase and play as him.
As part of the deal, The Weeknd also announced that he is working on a new album that will be exclusive to Fortnite. Players will need to purchase the next battle pass and reach level 850 in order to unlock the album, which will delete itself after one listen in order to maintain its exclusivity.
“It’s got drums, it’s got piano, it’s got a triangle, should be real goated on the sticks or whatever. It’s gonna be unlike anything you’ve ever heard,” Tesfaye said while lighting a cigarette with a lit 100 dollar bill.
The Weeknd is far from the first real-life celebrity to be added to the game, with past updates bringing rappers like Travis Scott and world-renowned sandworm enjoyer Zendaya to players’ lockers. All of these skins come at a price, but it’s a small price to pay for your very own tiny version of The Weeknd.
Although the Weeknd seems to be feigning excitement for this partnership, close friends of his revealed he’s just happy to have people stop talking about the debacle that was The Idol on Max.
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Imagine Dragons listened to Coldplay and said, "Nah, too edgy."
