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Hard Digest Feb. 20: The Beatles, George R.R. Martin, Plus Early Access Metal Band Names and More
🕑 Added 2024-02-21 01:00:05 +0000 UTCSam Mendes’ Ringo Movie Mostly Drum Fills and Smoking as Rest of Band Argues
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed film director Sam Mendes announced that his ambitious portrayal of the Beatles, which will be told through four separate films focusing on each member, will feature drummer Ringo Starr mostly chain smoking and doing drum fills while the rest of the band argues.
“The Beatles are already the most documented band in history. For this project I wanted to portray their own personal perspectives and how they intersected at crucial moments in the band’s timeline. After pouring over hundreds of hours of music and footage, we found that 80% of Ringo’s tenure with the band involved killing time behind his kit while Paul and John over chords as George tried to get one song in edgewise,” said Mendes. “I’m not trying to diminish his contributions, but what else was he supposed to do other than dick around watching three massive egos battle it out in the studio?”
Starr himself was more than happy to let Mendes tell his story, but insisted there was much more than what would potentially be depicted on screen.
“Peace and love, peace and love. We haven’t even got to the casting part yet and already I’m a little wary about my side of the story. Yeah, I remember more than a couple dozen times when I’d make sure my drums worked while smoking an entire pack waiting for George to tune his sitar. But I hope they don’t gloss over the fact that I was a competent songwriter, whenever I was allowed to participate in the process,” said Starr. “I just hope in spite of all this that whoever portrays me ensures that he can capture the essence of how awesome I looked while smoking and not being toxic recording ‘Abbey Road.’ Peace and love.”
Prominent Beatles historians have already expected the film detailing Starr’s time with the Beatles to be pretty much accurate.
“There’s obviously more to Ringo’s life than replacing George Best and being the least cool Beatles member. If the movie delves into his early life growing up in the hardass Dingle neighborhood of Liverpool it would shed some light on his ability to deal with conflict. But other than that he kind of just hung out and waited to count off when the others stopped yelling and Phil Spector wasn’t brandishing a gun,” said music historian Reginald Fitzsimmons. “But hey, at the end of the day he’s the only member of the band who isn’t hated by anyone, so in the long run his legacy is secure.”
As of press time, Mendes clarified that Starr’s biopic would also spend a significant amount of its runtime showing him daydreaming about what life would be like being in the Rolling Stones instead.
George R.R. Martin Admits “Winds of Winter” Delayed Due to Writing 8,000 Letters to Harry Styles
SANTA FE, N.M. — American novelist George R.R. Martin admitted that his highly anticipated book “The Winds of Winter” was once again delayed due to the fact he spent the last month writing 8,000 letters to Harry Styles, frustrated sources confirmed.
“I’m sure fans won’t like this update. The book is still not done, but I’ve had a lot going on. I was working through a particularly difficult Arya chapter for ‘Winds’ when I decided to unwind and relax with a Harry Styles dance party. His music broke me out of my funk and inspired me to write again, so I had to let him know my feelings,” said Martin from his home covered in hundreds of One Direction posters. “Harry is truly everything I could dream of. The heart of a Dothraki warrior, the cunning of a Lannister lion, the honor of a Stark wolf. His motto ‘Treat people with kindness’ is beautifully unique and original. I’m sure fans are surprised to hear of my obsession, but I’m very pleased to learn that the letters did arrive safely, considering I sent half of them by raven.”
Chris Cowan, a fan of “A Song of Ice and Fire,” was surprised and disappointed by the news.
“Look, I already know how the series ends because I watched the worst final season of a television show in recent history. It was even worse than the end of ‘Dexter,’ which I didn’t think was possible,” said Cowan. “Even so, I’ve continued to wait patiently to read George’s version for over ten goddamn years. And then he comes out and admits he’s intentionally delayed the book so he could write 8,000 letters to Harry Styles? Fine, put Bran on the throne. I’m done. I’m going to go read Sarah J. Maas books instead, at least she delivers product.”
Lewis Holdrum, an attorney representing Harry Styles released an additional statement about Martin’s behavior.
“There is no other way to put this, but Mr. Martin is a stalker. The letters my client received from Mr. Martin are incredibly disturbing,” said Holdrum. “I’m aware that Mr. Martin is a fantasy author, but the fantasies he wrote about Mr. Styles are truly perverted. Personally, I’ve never seen anything so lewd. At least 3,000 of the letters contained incredibly detailed descriptions of feasts, with my client as the main course. Truly unhinged.”
At press time, Martin was seen at his ancient word processor adding a knight named “Harrold Stylings” to the first chapter of “The Winds of Winter.”
Metal Band Stoked About Coming Up With Name Only Four Other Metal Bands Have Used Already
BY CHRIS BOWEN
PARMA, Ohio — Local metal band Devilskull were relieved when they came to an agreement on a band name that only four other bands in the genre have used over the years, several skullet-clad sources report.
“I hate to sound like I’m bragging or something, but it was totally my idea to use Devilskull after checking the Metal Archives and seeing how infrequently bands go by this name,” explained guitarist Dean Mitchell. “There’s some band from Canada who were active in the 1980s named Devilskul, yeah. And another from some country like Bulgaria or something. But no one knows them, and unless we get booked on some metal fest in Central Europe I don’t think there will be any confusion. And since we only play the same bar every third Saturday of the month I don’t see any issues.”
Friend and Devilskull “roadie” Clarence Shipman adamantly claims he was the one who coined the name for the band, and he deserves the credit.
“Listen, I came up with that band name fair and square! You know how difficult it is to come up with a name for a metal band that hasn’t been used like, 100 times already,” Shipman exclaimed, adding he should probably get credit for the other three bands using the name as well. “And I’m the one that had the foresight to like down @DevilSkull666Official on Instagram. Metal branding isn’t easy. Do you know how many ‘Poisons’ there are? How many ‘Incubuses?’ It’s absurd, and I’m not stopping until they admit I did their dirty work!”
Music historian professor Randell Sweeney says the issue of band names or artist names in general has plagued music for centuries.
“Unoriginality with band names has permeated throughout music since the early days of man, really. There’s only so many words and phrases one can piece together without making it sound hipsterish or just plain stupid,” Professor Sweeney stated. “Even names have been recycled. Have you ever heard of Billy Joel? Not that one, I’m talking about the Billy Joel who sang to striking coal miners in the 1920s. No? Neither did Mr. ‘Piano Man’ and he decided to say, ‘Fuck it, I’m Billy Joel now.’ It’s a good thing copyright laws have changed, we don’t need any more Billy Joels.”
At press time, Devilskull has gone back to the drawing board to rename their best song “Trial by Fire” after realizing it’s been used over 1,000 times.
Just Because I’m From New Jersey Doesn’t Mean I Drive Like an Asshole, but Yeah I Always Do 110 Mph Down the Turnpike
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
Pardon me, sir! Yeah I’m talking to you pal, roll your damn window down. I couldn’t help but notice you puttering along the highway like a student driver, so if you’d do me a favor and permanently get the fuck out of my way it would be appreciated.
Whoa buddy, no need to take it personally! Don’t assume that because I”m from New Jersey that I drive like a reckless asshole by default, but as it so happens I my speedometer never drops below 110 miles per hour on the Turnpike.
Yes, the stereotype about our driving is as common as complaining about the smell by the airport on the very same Turnpike, but we do put the pedal to the floor to get away from it as quickly as possible. I can’t be crazy if everyone else is doing it.
I can’t help but be pissed off as soon as I hit the road and see my astronomical property taxes paying six construction guys to watch one guy dig a hole. If anything, it’s my right to do a buck ten down any road I please and yes I am including school zones. That’s what we have crossing guards for!
If you grew up here you’d understand. As soon as I-95 turns into the Turnpike, we get spitroasted by dumbasses from Pennsylvania AND New York who’ve no idea where they’re going. If you don’t want to end up in a guardrail you should educate yourself on aggressive driving. The NJ driver’s license test covers all of that.
What can I say, driving like I’m trying to obtain liftoff is in my DNA. I’m sure you’re wondering “But Ben, do you still drive like a dickhead outside of New Jersey?” You’re goddamn right I do. It’s not my fault you schmucks take your sweet time driving little Timmy to soccer practice or whatever people do when not driving to the shore or picking up deli meats. I have places to be and meats to eat, and I will not hesitate to break the land speed record.
I hope that makes sense because I’m not going to repeat it twice. Enjoy your stay in our lovely state—what do you mean our jughandles turns are stupid? That’s it, I’m done being nice. Get the fuck out of the car so I can beat your ass properly.
Scientists Confirm There’s No Way to Take Off Pullover Without Showing Everyone Your Belly
NEW YORK — Scientists at the Fashion Institute of Technology confirmed there is no way to take off a pullover sweatshirt without showing everyone your belly, exposed sources confirmed.
“We’ve tested every possible method to remove a pullover, but despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find a single foolproof way to prevent revealing your midriff,” said Remy Knight, an FIT scientist devoted to this issue. “You’d think one hand holding your shirt down while the other takes the sweater off would work, but countless trials have proven otherwise. It’s like texting and driving; people really overestimate their abilities, often with dire consequences. Our other big ideas like clips, tape, or tucking in, have also proven no match for the incredibly powerful force of a sweatshirt clinging to any material underneath. Truthfully, I think we’ve uncovered a new law of physics.”
Colby Barber is relieved to learn he is not alone.
“This happened to me last week when I foolishly walked into an indoor botanical garden wearing a pullover hoodie. As I was hit with a wave of greenhouse heat, I was forced to choose: expose my hairy belly to an atrium full of innocent bystanders or die of heatstroke,” Barber said, starting to sweat at the thought. “I try to stick to zip-ups as much as possible, but then laundry day hits, and I have no choice. I need to be able to regulate my body temperature, but the cost is public embarrassment. It’s almost enough to make me want to buy one proper jacket.”
Shelby Hill works at a company that manufactures pullovers and is working to solve this.
“As soon as we heard this news, we dedicated every R&D resource we have toward this problem. None have succeeded, but we’re making significant progress on a fleece material that causes nearly zero friction,” said Hill. “We’re even collaborating closely with NASA, who are interested in its modest application during spacesuit removal. Between that and our prototype of an advanced adhesive that bonds to only tummy skin, we think we’re on the cusp of the perfect solution. Well, besides zippers. Those and buttons work super well, but we make pullovers, not zip-ups, so obviously, those are out.”
At press time, a researcher was on the verge of successfully removing his pullover while keeping his shirt down but tragically died after forgetting to remove his hat first.
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Here’s the Review We Would Write if We Could Play Helldivers 2
The wait is over! Helldivers 2 is here and we’re proud to serve our readers a timely, detailed review of the game – despite the fact we’ve been completely unable to play it. Naturally, we can’t let the game’s unexpected popularity, server issues, or needing to change up your BIOS settings get in the way of our journalistic duty to bring our readers a well-researched, informative review. Based on our experience with the game, here’s our take:
Helldivers 2 seems to be a game.
According to Google, it’s a “Shooter Game,” by Arrowhead Game Studios. It has around 450,000 concurrent players, of which we certainly weren’t included. Most shooters have guns, so we feel pretty comfortable assuming that. There’s a few on the cover, anyway. You use that gun (guns?) to shoot big bugs. Oh, and it’s third person. It’s also (probably?) the highly anticipated sequel to Helldivers 1, I assume – otherwise the name is crazy.
The story is a bit lacking. Or maybe it’s great. The bugs look like the bad guys. Maybe you’re the bad guy. The opening cutscene was funny – a tongue-in-cheek tone similar to Starship Troopers, which added some great comedic relief before we couldn’t dive right in.
Look, can I be honest with you? That’s basically I’ll I got. I’m trying here. And we need the SEO juice of being first, so this article has to go up. Please just keep reading or maybe comment below what the game is like so I can fix my review. Ok, let’s get back to it.
We’re happy to report that the error screen you get when the servers are full is aesthetically pleasing and easy on the eyes. The font is legible, and a helpful timer sits just underneath, letting you know when it will retry to connect, which is perfect for folks who can’t play. Like us.
The timer usually counts down to zero then just restarts. A bit of a grind but also somewhat thrilling always imagining if this will be the time you get in.
It won’t be.
Overall, Helldivers 2 is a fun, chaotic co-op romp through space, we guess. That’s what we’re told. You might like it! Heck, it could just be okay. Or maybe it’s bad. That seems unlikely though? It’s hard to say, really. We’ve heard the devs are working on it 24/7. Must be a software problem. If there was a timeout for idle players sitting in their ships so they don’t have to worry about getting back in, we could deliver something more informative and well-rounded, but there isn’t, so this is the best we’ve got.
See you on the battlefield eventually, fellow Helldiver! For democracy! (That seems to be something people who get into the game say when they come out of it.)
I Never Thought I Was the Kind of Person to Fall for a Scam Until a Raccoon Told Me He’d Help Me Start an Island Village
BY MATT FRESH
I never thought it could happen to me. No way would I ever fall for a scam. I thought I was smarter than that.
Turns out I was wrong.
No matter how smart you think you are, you can still be manipulated.
Over the years I’ve become disenfranchised with life. Late-stage capitalism has eroded society into something that becomes more miserable day by day. Once you’re aware of it, it’s hard to ever truly be fulfilled in a life that has you scraping by in a societal system that will never value you properly.
That’s how he got to me.
His name is Tom Nook, he’s a raccoon. He approached me claiming he could help me find purpose and meaning. My first thought was, “Great, a talking raccoon, I’m gonna be rich.” But he had grander plans.
“Life here is meaningless, you’ll never be happy,” he said, slowly seducing me into his scheme.
“Come with me to island paradise. Help start a village with other talking animals. Live in bliss.”
I couldn’t resist. A chance at a new peaceful life, living amongst talking animals and far away from the evils of capitalism. It was everything I ever wanted. I believed in him so I went.
At first, it seemed so reasonable. When we got to the island it was just us. We had to gather, we had to build. He couldn’t do it because he’s a raccoon so all the work fell to me but I did it because I wasn’t going to make a raccoon cut down trees and build houses.
Then he hit me with the first fee. 98,000 bells.
This was supposed to be a paradise island that we ran. How could it cost me 98,000 bells to build my own house on my own island? But he made it so convincing and I wanted this life with these animals so I went along. Anything to not have to go back to proper society.
He brought his nephews to the island first. He said they would help make it quicker and easier to build the village. They had items but they charged bells for everything. I bought them because I had to build to attract villagers but that made it harder to afford buildings so I had to work more. Before I knew it I was working night and day doing everything myself trying to build this village into my dream paradise while Tom Nook just collected all my bells.
I’m over half a million bells in debt to Tom now and my village isn’t even done. I don’t think it will ever be done, I don’t think he’ll ever stop collecting but I can’t leave. I have nothing left, if I leave I’m destitute so I must remain here and hope that one day my village will be complete and I can stop paying.
Learn from me. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. No matter how smart you think you are, a talking raccoon can come along at any moment and manipulate your emotions, scamming you out of everything.
Opinion: PS5 and Xbox Series X Are Too Old to Be Our Console War Candidates
BY MATT FRESH
We have a huge problem with the console war this year. It’s 2024 and our two main candidates to fight for are both far too old. Both of the current candidates were released in 2020, which was four years ago and even then it was a stretch to say that they were at the cutting edge of video game technology.
The PS5 is officially in the late stage of its lifespan, according to Sony. Is that worth a console worth trolling strangers for? A console that could break down at any minute. A console that could end with its only major exclusives being remakes of remakes? That’s the console to cyberbully people over? Having the PS5 as the console being fought for in 2024 is courting disaster. There are already reports that PS5s are claiming to have downloaded Jak & Daxter despite that series being dead for years. PS5 needs Xbox games to come to it half the time to have a decent library. How are Playstation fanboys supposed to insult Xbox owners when they’re playing Xbox games?
The Xbox Series X isn’t a good candidate either. While it hasn’t been officially confirmed to be in the latter half of its lifespan, it’s not far behind. The Xbox Series X is so old that Xbox fanboys are still using Halo as ammunition against Playstation owners. They deserve better than that. The longer the Series X remains the candidate for the Xbox side, the longer gamers have to hear about Starfield from both sides.
Gamers deserve better than to have these two geriatric consoles as the ones they are forced to fight over. It’s time for newer consoles to take the stage. Ones that are in touch with the sensibilities of the current generation of gamers. Ones that are worth sending death threats over. More importantly than that, gamers deserve console war candidates that have games.
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