thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest May 28: Pope Francis, Early Access Anxiety, Baby Reindeer, Netflix, and More
Pope Francis Offered Three Netflix Stand-Up Specials Following Use of Gay SlurBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFVATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is reportedly in talks with executives at Netflix to film three exclusive stand-up comedy specials after His Holiness used a homophobic slur during closed-door discussions with bishops last...
Hard Digest May 27: Early Access Punk Dad, Eames Chairs, Pop Punk Veterans, and More
Punk Dad Disgusted Men’s Room Doesn’t Have a Changing Table to Do Coke Off OfBY DAN BOOKBINDERATHENS, Ga. — Local punk Adam Rondeau was absolutely outraged that a venue did not provide a changing table in the men’s room so he could snort cocaine off of it, confirmed sources who said that he wasn’t technically...
Hard Digest May 26: Early Access Guitar Center, Elon Musk, Parasocial Relationships, and More
Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” SaleBY CHRIS BOWENWESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoil, and prone to rash financia...
Hard Digest May 25: Early Access Henry Rollins, Whole Foods, Sex Toys, Dental Care, and More
Punk’s Girlfriend Puts on Henry Rollins Spoken Word Record Before She Leaves for Work So He Doesn’t Feel LonelyBY DAN KOZUHNASHUA, N.H. – Rebecca Sanders, girlfriend of local punk Ben Stumpf, allegedly puts on a Henry Rollins spoken word record before leaving for work each morning in order to stave off the loneli...
Hard Digest May 24: Early Access Dead Kennedys, IDF, Baja Blast, Buckcherry, and More
Right-Wing Punk Revisiting Dead Kennedys Discography Wondering When Band Went WokeBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFLINCOLN, Neb. — Local conservative, and self-proclaimed free thinking punk, Eddie Duff was confused by what he described as “woke propaganda” in Dead Kennedys lyrics while relistening to the band on a recent r...
Hard Digest May 23: Early Access Internet Detectives, A24, Jury Duty, and More
Internet Detective Only Destroys Three Innocent Peoples’ Lives Before Never Actually Solving CaseBY DAN KOZUHPADUCAH, Ky. — Self-proclaimed internet detective Ralph “RurualSherlock” Jenkins managed to only wreak havoc on the lives of three completely innocent individuals before promptly abandoning his half-bake...
NEW PODCAST ALERT
Hello everyone, today we are debuting a new podcast that is for Patreon supporters only, that's you. The best damn people in the world. Each week the editors you know and tolerate from The Hard Times are going to break down a classic music video. Let us know which videos you want to see by leaving us a comment.The...
Mvp w/ Bill and Dan: Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun"
We are double dipping today. These are the first two episodes of our new podcast, just for you. Those scumbags that want everything for free will never hear this episode. Bill and Dan break down "Black Hole Sun" and we hope you enjoy it as we figure out what the hell we're doing.
Mvp w/ Bill and Dan: Green Jellÿ "3 Little Pigs"
What do we have here? A new podcast that's just for you Patreon supporters. The Hard Times Editors Bill Conway and Dan Rice break down the classic music video for "3 Little Pigs."
Hard Digest May 22: Early Access Villains, Trump, Ghosthunters, and More
Top-Hatted Guy Twiddling Handlebar Mustache in Crowd Watches as Guitarist Inches Closer to Stepping on Landmine Disguised as PedalBY JOE RUMRILLKETTLE FALLS, Wash. — Local “Snidely Whiplash-type” Grivelsby Slinkslip was seen leering intently in the crowd for a shoegaze show as he waited for the guitarist to step ...
48 FLASH SALE 40% EVERYTHING IN STOCK
Hello Patrons, to celebrate the 40th birthday of our co-founder/Editor-in-Chief Bill Conway we've decided to do a huge sale. Go stock up on merch and if you see Bill in person today make sure you punch him in the stomach.
Hard Digest May 21: Early Access Bigfoot, Oasis, Owning the Libs, and More
Pissed Cryptozoologist Mistakes J Mascis for Bigfoot AgainBY PATRICK COYNEMAUPIN, Ore. — Deflated cryptozoologist Sam Pennington expressed his frustration after once again mistaking Dinosaur Jr. lead singer and guitarist J Mascis for the elusive Bigfoot, multiple colleagues confirmed.“There I am in rural Oregon on ...
Hard Digest May 20: Early Access Leather Jacket, Blink-182, Bill Maher, and More
Cooler Guy Wears Two Leather JacketsBY TRAYE HOLLANDAUSTIN, Texas — Local cool guy Jared Bellweather left his house wearing two leather jackets in an attempt to double-up on his self-perceived hip appearance, confirmed sources who tried to tell him that’s not how that worked.“Fashion is all about math. If one lea...
Hard Digest May 19: Early Access Nirvana Expose, Soul-Crushing Jobs, Friends, and More
Explosive Exposé Reveals How Music Industry Created Nirvana To Sell Graphic Tees At Target 30 Years LaterBY JUS KAPLANNEW YORK – A tell-all HBO documentary is sending shockwaves through America after revealing the iconic grunge band Nirvana was an industry plant created in1987 specifically to sell branded clothing a...
Hard Digest May 18: Early Access Jail, Posers, Baby Boomers, The Strokes, and More
Guy Who’s Always Wanted To Learn Harmonica Excited For Lengthy Jail SentenceBY JOE RUMRILLCREST HILL, Ill. — Newly convicted felon Silas Deane Highway is reportedly looking forward to his 6-8 year prison sentence because he’s always dreamed of mastering the harmonica, sources confirmed.“Hell, if it means it’l...
Hard Digest May 17: Early Access Jawbreaker, Makeovers, Ed Hardy, Gambling, and More
‘90s Punk Fan Wondering When It’s Going To Be Cool To Mindlessly Hate Jawbreaker AgainBY JAMES KNAPPOAKLAND, Calif. — Damien Pocket, a longtime “fan” of early ‘90s proto-emo outfit Jawbreaker, recently began wondering when it’s going to once again become accepted practice in the scene to viciously detest ...
Hard Digest May 16: Early Access Sobriety, Song Meanings, Mars Volta, and More
Punk Proud of Favorite Artist’s Sobriety Until He Credits It to GodBY JOSH BAUMGARTNEW ORLEANS — Ian McSeamus, the infamous frontman of the punk band Ghost Chode, announced that he is celebrating six months of sobriety which drew a huge reaction until he attributed the accomplishment to his faith in Jesus Christ, c...
Hard Digest May 15: Israel Aid, Early Access FAFSA, Dad's, Drivers, and More
Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government FundingBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFQUINCY, Mass. — Members of the Massachusetts Teachers Association are reportedly making plans to launch an all-out attack on Gaza in order to get some shred of government funding, bespectacled sources confi...
Hard Digest May 14: Early Access Pop-Tarts, Drinking Buddies, Punk Prom, and More
Study Shows Millennials Have Eaten Enough Pop -Tarts And Bagel Bites To Completely Preserve Their Bodies Up To 100 Years After DeathBY JORDAN LIFFENGRENPALO ALTO, Calif. — A recent study from Stanford University concluded that millennials have eaten enough Pop-Tarts and Bagel Bites to completely preserve their bodies...
Hard Digest May 13: Early Access Studio Banter, Danny Tanner, Climate Change, and More
Studio Banter Left on Album Really Highlighting Band’s Insufferability in Whole New WayBY MIMI KENNYSAN DIEGO — The in-studio banter left on the latest album by post-space-rock outfit Hadron Collision showed just how much range the group has in terms of being unbearable douche-heads, several sources shaking their h...
Hard Digest May 12: Early Access Ben and Jerry's, Morning Meetings, Privilege, and More
Ben and Jerry’s Collaborate With Mac DeMarco to Release Cigarette and Black Coffee Ice CreamBY IAN STEFFÉWATERBURY, Vt. — Ben and Jerry’s announced they joined forces with indie rock musician/gas station attendant Mac DeMarco to unveil a new flavor to their summer lineup: “Breakfast of Champions,” a cigarett...
Hard Digest May 11: Early Access, Mother's Day, Stick and Pokes, Fashion Hacks, and More
Lone Woman in Metal Scene Completely Unaware She’s a Mother Figure to Almost EveryoneBY DAN KOZUHSYRACUSE, N.Y. — Heavy metal fan and the lone adult female in the local metal scene, Kara Morgan, unintentionally became a maternal figure to nearly everyone in the community, anonymous sources close to the story report...
Hard Digest May 10: Early Access Guitar Pedals, Your Brain, Jake From State Farm, Boner Pills, and More
New KORG Guitar Pedal Cancels Negative Feedback From BandmatesBY KEVIN TITMELVILLE, N.Y. — Notable music technology corporation KORG released a new guitar pedal designed to cancel negative comments and other feedback from bandmates, agitated musicians confirm.“This pedal is a game changer. I’ve never heard my gui...
Hard Digest May 9: Brain Worms, Early Access The Hold Steady, Hangovers, Food Banks, and More
Trump Brags His Brain Worms Are Still Alive and Very StrongBY MATT HUSSERNEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that unlike Robert F. Kennedy Jr., his brain worms were still alive and “very strong,” sources confirmed during a brief recess at his hush money trial.“Did you hear RFK’s brain wo...
Hard Digest May 8: Steve Albini, Trump Trial, Early Access Oi!, Posers, Band Names, and More
Steve Albini Standing Outside Gates of Heaven Telling Everyone How Much He Hates the Smashing PumpkinsBY TRAVIS TACKPEARLY GATES — Legendary musician, producer, and music journalist Steve Albini spent the first few moments of his afterlife ranting about how bad the Smashing Pumpkins suck to other souls waiting to ent...
Hard Digest May 7: Stormy Daniels, Ceasefire, Early Access Make-A-Wish Kids, White Rappers, Cocaine, and More
Juror in Trump Hush Money Trial Unsure of Where He Recognizes Stormy Daniels FromBY CLAIRE ALEXANDERNEW YORK – Juror number 6 in Trump’s hush money case admitted to being completely baffled as to where he recognized former adult porn star Stormy Daniels from after she took the stand to testify, multiple other juror...
Hard Digest May 6: Kendrick/Drake Beef, Early Access Elton John, Discovery, Michael Winslow, and More
Drake Reveals That He Was Only Being Creepy To Girls For 15 Years To Bait Kendrick Into Talking About ItBY CHARLES BILLTORONTO — Drake shocked the world when he released a new diss track aimed at Kendrick Lamar where the Canadian rapper claims he has been purposefully acting creepy to girls for fifteen years to bait ...
Hard Digest May 5: Early Access New Order, Chuck Klosterman, and Bird Watching
New Order Fan Bummed Her Current Love Triangle Is Actually Pretty MundaneBY JOHN DANEKMANCHESTER — New wave obsessive and romantic introvert Jana Chapman is disappointed to find herself in a love triangle that no one could possibly consider “bizarre,” embarrassed friends reported.“I’ve asked three different p...
Hard Digest May 4: Early Access BOSS, Sublime, Documentary Films, Boycotts, and More
BOSS Finally Releases Pedal That Makes Guitar Sound Like “Jack Black Impersonating a Guitar Solo”BY JOE RUMRILLHAMAMATSU, Japan — Pedal manufacturer BOSS announced that they will finally be releasing a pedal that sounds like Jack Black scatting a very dope guitar solo, sources confirmed with a little “squir-dit...
Hard Digest May 3: Early Access Björk, Alpha Males, Success, and More
Reykjavik Residents Reminded to Keep Windows Closed During Annual Björk SprayingBY PATRICK CROOKSREYKJAVIK, Iceland — City officials announced that the annual spraying for feral Björks will begin this week and that residents should take necessary precautions to avoid being contaminated by chemicals, which can be to...
