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Hard Digest May 7: Stormy Daniels, Ceasefire, Early Access Make-A-Wish Kids, White Rappers, Cocaine, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-08 00:00:05 +0000 UTCJuror in Trump Hush Money Trial Unsure of Where He Recognizes Stormy Daniels From
BY NEW YORK – Juror number 6 in Trump’s hush money case admitted to being completely baffled as to where he recognized former adult porn star Stormy Daniels from after she took the stand to testify, multiple other jurors confirmed.
“I just couldn’t place it. Maybe she was my friend’s stepsister? Or the school librarian?” Juror number 6 says regarding the AVN hall of famer inductee. “Something about her face is just so familiar- at first I thought it might have been because she looked just like my mom, but as soon as she spoke, I realized I’d definitely heard her voice somewhere before. For some reason, I felt like maybe she had been something like an RA in college? But I went to community college. I won’t let this have an effect on the verdict, but I’m looking forward to Googling her name when I get back to the hotel tonight to solve this mystery.”
Daniels reported that this isn’t the first instance she has puzzled people with her appearance.
“Oh yeah, people are always coming up to me asking if maybe I was their substitute teacher, or a babysitter, a friend’s stepmother, or just your standard sexy therapist,” said Daniels. “I just tell them yes, I don’t want to embarrass them especially if they are with their girlfriend or their kids. They usually thank me, which feels so good. This trial is such a damper on everything, it’s always nice to know that I’ve had a positive impact on people’s lives.”
The court stenographer, Marge Derrickson, was a completely different case.
“I was absolutely starstruck when I saw Stormy enter the courtroom, I almost couldn’t keep it together,” said Derrickson, who’s words-per-minute decreased to a disappointing 800, when her favorite celebrity came into the room. “I know all the starlets from the ‘80s to the mid-2000s, but the internet made it hard to keep up. I’m old fashioned, I like my tapes and DVDs. But Stormy brought something brand new to the industry that was unforgettable, if I wasn’t on the job I would ask her to sign my copy of ‘Spreading My Seed.’ I had to tell my grandkids that was a gardening video so they didn’t try watching it.”
At press time, Juror number 6 stepped out to call his wife and ask if her sister had dyed her hair blonde.
Israel Rejects Ceasefire After Realizing it Also Applies to Their Own Military
BY GAZA CITY — Members of the far-right Israeli government rejected a recent ceasefire proposal after they realized they would also be expected to stop all military actions in Palestine, confirmed multiple sources.
“At first we were very excited about the agreement. Hamas was going to quit firing missiles, lay down their guns, and release all the hostages. We figured after that we could wipe out whoever was left and call the place ‘New Israel’ or something like that,” said Israeli defense minister Yoav Gallant. “But then we were informed we would also have to stop killing people, and that simply doesn’t work for us. Our military has so many more bullets to fire, so many more bombs to drop, if we just let those sit on a shelf then the United States won’t send us any more new weapons. And we love those weapons, each delivery of artillery is like the best birthday gift a guy could ask for.”
Many Palestinians celebrated in the streets when news broke that Hamas accepted a ceasefire deal.
“I was overjoyed. I assumed our nightmare was finally over, but within hours the Israeli military had taken over the city and cut off our access to the only border crossing we have,” said Fatima Hassan, a young mother of two. “We haven’t had clean water in months, we are starving, we just want this to be over so we can live. But every time an IDF vehicle nears a hospital or sees a truck carrying aid they open fire on it and claim it was a hiding spot for Hamas leaders. Those people left a long time ago, we are here alone.”
President Biden was quick to defend Israel’s choice and pledged that America would continue to show its support.
“Listen Jack, we want a sustained peace as much as anyone. But we can’t tell Israel what to do, it’s like having a young child. If you yell at them and tell them what to do they are just going to throw a fit. The best thing we can do is remind the Israeli government that we are proud of them and love them unconditionally,” said President Biden. “Eventually we might have to show some tough love and cut off their allowance, but this is also a good place to try out some new weapons for when we eventually have to fight Russia, I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
At press time, Israeli officials are pushing for a ceasefire that would still allow the IDF to “kill a few dozen people a day just to be safe.”
Make-A-Wish Kid Visited by Local Bassist Realizes Life Could Be Much Worse
BY DOUG KOLIC
HOUSTON — Local Make-A-Wish kid Harvey Larkin, who has a rare degenerative disease that will certainly put an end to his short, unfulfilled life, realized that things could actually be a lot worse after witnessing the sad existence of a bassist who recently visited the hospital, according to sources not sure who to pity.
“I’ve been pretty down for a while, wondering what I did to deserve this fate,” gasped the eight-year-old Larkin as he struggled with his oxygen tank. “Then just as my depression deepened, we were visited by a bassist from a band nobody’s ever heard of. He was so pathetic that it instantly filled my heart with pride. Pride that I wasn’t him. He reminded me of my old stepdad because he reeked of tobacco and booze. And I know a lot of us in this wing often have piss stains on our pants because we’re sick, but I’m not sure what his excuse was. Sure, I’m likely going to croak soon but that guy will always be a bassist.”
Cooper Wiley, bassist of prog rock band Blue Rhapsody, had a different perspective of the event.
“Knowing the profound difference my music makes is why I do what I do,” said Wiley. “I visit every so often to heal the children’s broken spirits with the musical gifts God gave me. You should have seen the look on their gaunt little faces when I played a special song I wrote called, ‘Heaven’s Got an Airbnb Waiting for You.’ Even though I’ve played dozens of venues over the years, nothing’s more important than coming here to cheer up these kids. Plus, some of their moms are pretty hot and in a very vulnerable state.”
Hospital Chaplain Father Seamus Doherty explained the positive impact musicians have on people facing mortality.
“In my experience there’s no better way to uplift someone than by introducing them to a pitiful musician. There are fates worse than death,” Father Doherty expressed. “Most of the patients over the years have felt much better after seeing another artist stumble their way through a dog-shit song they thought was inspiring. There was one patient who was having a very difficult time accepting his diagnosis until he saw a performance by a lame ska band called Checkered Out. He basically died laughing, which is the best any of us can really hope for in this life.”
At press time, Larkin was seen walking around the hospital trying to raise donations for the bassist.
Wow, This White Rapper Raps Really Fast! But Not Fast Enough to Get a Bar Off Before I Skip the Song
BY CHAD KUBRAK
To the white guy wearing Jordan 1 mids while holding dual-citizenship in Tech N9ne’s DMs, it’s time for us to have a conversation about the inevitable horrors you’re about to inflict on that microphone sitting in the fully-furnished basement of your parents’ five-bedroom home. Why am I crushing the dreams you’ve had since you discovered J. Cole your freshman year in high school, then got mad when he said “cracker” but learned to love him again, you might ask? Well, I nearly died driving to work this morning trying to skip a song that you, God forbid, in the future are probably bound to make.
Do you know how hard it is to skip a song where the dude rapping is writing bars on graph paper? Who complains about how he can’t understand Playboi Carti before rapping the alphabet backward at lightning speed? You’re probably asking, “how did you know that the song you skipped was going to be one of those, though?” Look, I saw the cover. One glance is all I needed. The patchy beard, the logoless snapback, the pleather jacket over a zip hoodie with that Kohl’s rope chain––it was all there.
I could hear it in my head, that weirdly nasally voice rapping, “I’m getting faded like Travis Kelce, they won’t ever bless me, they question me because of my caucasity, hate me because I’m whiter than Rick James’ nasal cavity” in quadruple time over a royalty-free Kendrick type beat, I reached for that dial so quick that I nearly got pinned by a semi-truck. I mean, that’s the thing, though. If you’re gonna do the whole, “look at me, I rap fast” thing, you have to be faster than my hand. If you’re not faster than my hand, it’s over. Busta Rhymes? Faster than my hand. Twista? Faster than my hand. Eminem? Occasionally faster than my hand.
To top it all off? It just feels racist. Like when you see too many American flags in someone’s lawn or they have that weird orange tan with blue eyes. That interview where he said his favorite rappers were Eminem, Logic and Jack Harlow I was like, “oh, that’s an unusual coincidence. When he also mentioned “half of Drake,” that was kind of weird too. But, when he said he didn’t know Paul Wall? That sealed the deal for me, I knew he was racist.
But, like I said, at the end of the day, my hand’s just too quick. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Yeat type beats to write over.
Punks Have Meet-Cute at Party When Accidentally Lady and the Tramp-ing Line of Cocaine
BY CHARLES BILL
BOSTON — An adorable beginning to a relationship happened today as two punks had a meet-cute while accidentally Lady and the Tramp-ing line of cocaine, sources confirmed.
“I just saw this really cute rail,” said punk Chad Tinto. “I go in for a snort of that booger sugar, and next thing you know my forehead is knocking with the most angelic forehead I’ve ever seen. I asked for her name and she loudly snorted and said ‘holy fuck that’s the spot’ before telling me her name is Sandra in between a few violent sniffs. I don’t know if it was the music, the vibe, or the cocaine rushing through my bloodstream and dripping down the back of my throat, but I’d never seen a more beautiful woman with a nosebleed in my life.”
The feeling appeared to be mutual, as Sandra Potter was equally enchanted with the Prince Charming to her Snow White.
“I had just done a line of coke, so at that moment I really wanted to do another,” explained Potter. “I suddenly notice that there’s this really hunky dude across from me. I held the bridge of my nose and leaned back, so I wasn’t able to get a perfect look at him, but I knew he was a stud. And stud’s know where to get more cocaine. So he and I started dancing, and I whispered in his ear that I wanted more Colombian Dancing Powder. He said he did too. Our minds were already one, we already had the same goals. And those goals remain the pursuit of more drugs.”
Although the meeting seemed to be a stroke of luck, it actually might have been more preordained than that.
“I spent hours carefully arranging bumps and lines around my apartment,” said party host and secret matchmaker Dani Rew. “I walked around my place seeing couples get together for the first time, sharing a mutual love for free drugs. Of course half of them were just snorting baby powder, but that didn’t change the magic. I’ve got this big mirrored coffee table, and that thing is basically Tinder, with cocaine. Also one of these lines is bath salts. Russian Roulette, motherfuckers.”
At press time, Potter ran home, and Tinto was only left with only her unique coke necklace to find her.
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Worst Game You’ve Ever Played in Your Life Now Available on Xbox Game Pass
BY Insider sources at Xbox have confirmed that worst-selling 2023 action roguelike The Worst Game You’ve Ever Played In Your Life will soon be arriving on Xbox Game Pass. This marks a huge win for the company, whose primary business model of repackaging borderline unplayable third-party garbage as hot new subscription service bonus content has opened up a whole new avenue of exploitation that gullible consumers just eat right up.
“We’re so thrilled that we’ve gotten the opportunity to fill out our Game Pass quota this month with beloved titles like The Worst Game You’ve Ever Played In Your Life,” said Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer. “It’s cheap, underproduced slop like this that really lets our subscribers know how much we care about delivering as much quantity and as little quality as possible to their game libraries.”
According to sources, it’s almost as if the greater public consciousness of the gamer community has forgotten how much they hated The Worst Game You’ve Ever Played In Your Life upon its release just last year.
“Sure it’s the lowest-rated game of 2023 on Metacritic, but now I’m practically getting it for free,” responded unbiased X user @philslittlemilkdrinker78, who has already spent $85 on Game Pass subscription payments this year alone. “Just imagine how much it would have cost me to buy all these games individually!”
Hard Drive received no response from this user when pressed for comment on how many Game Pass service games they had actually finished this year. However, we have received word from lead developer of The Worst Game You’ve Ever Played In Your Life, Dan Bungle, on what it’s like to have his game accepted into Xbox’s esteemed digital bargain bin.
“To be perfectly honest with you, I had deleted the game’s files not two weeks after its release to make room on my computer for a torrented copy of Evan Almighty,” said Bungle in an exciting glimpse into the inner-workings of modern game development. “So when Xbox got in contact with me, I just threw together a new version from scratch in a few days and figured no one would care enough to tell the difference.”
The Worst Game You’ve Ever Played In Your Life will be releasing on Xbox Game Pass on June 9th, 2024 alongside Nail Clipping Simulator and Fifa 2023, making it by far the most hotly anticipated game to arrive on the subscription service in recent years.
New Florida Law Prohibits Gamers From Playing as Characters of Opposite Gender
BY IRIS BRODY
FLORIDA- Lawmakers in Florida have instituted a ban on video game players using avatars that do not align with their assigned gender at birth, sources confirmed.
“Are you a boy or a girl?” asks Elias Smith, a disgruntled GameStop employee to a child while setting up a custom Floridian gender lock GameShark on a new copy of Pokèmon Scarlett. “All gamers need to show a drivers license or birth certificate or else their game will be prevented from saving any progress.”
A fringe group of concerned parents, Parents Opinions Regarding Nonconformity (PORN), were at the forefront of lobbying for this law.
“I noticed my son Brayden choosing Cammy when we played Street Fighter together and I didn’t want him getting any ideas,” said concerned father Zachery Frederick, current secretary of PORN. “It’s bad enough he can’t take a hit like a man in real life. Now he wants to fight like a lady in Street Fighter? PORN was thankfully able to enact a law to fight his perversions.”
The new law clarifies that games with sections which require playing briefly as a secondary character of the opposite sex will need to make use of a buddy system to prevent breaking the law. Grayson Bradford, a gamer from Gainesville, is currently awaiting trial after he was reported for playing as Ellie for a short mission in The Last of Us.
“My roommate was pissed I wouldn’t let him on my Playstation. I didn’t see him recording me during the Ellie mission. He’s been trying to catch me since police have started offering a reward for any tips resulting in an arrest. The bastard got me out of the house for my PS5, and got $500 for doing it.” Bradford explains.
When asked how the law would apply to life simulation games like the popular virtual dollhouse The Sims series, where a player has control of everything, an official PORN newsletter clarified that in a context where the gamer is by all intents and purposes “God” only males are qualified to play citing that in the state of Florida God is canonically a man.
Cryptic Calendar Invite From Boss Blocking Fast Travel
BY SAN FRANCISCO – Around lunchtime on Friday, Jordan Greggs received a cryptic calendar invite from his boss scheduled for 4:30 PM that is now blocking fast travel, sources confirmed.
“It’s been a totally normal Friday. I even had plans to jet out a little early today to go on a hike with my girlfriend,” Greggs said. “Then all of a sudden I get a notification about a new meeting set on my calendar for late this afternoon. It’s weird…my boss hasn’t said a word to me all day, and then this popped up. I went to check out the details and it just says ‘Company Update.’ Also, as soon as I opened the event this ominous background music began to play and it’s taking me twice as long to get to the damn bathroom.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on or if I should be worried about my job,” Greggs continued. “The company’s been doing great financially. We made 3 billion dollars last year. I mean, obviously it was less than the 4 billion dollars we made the year before, and I have seen some chatter that investors are concerned…oh no. I’ve gotta stock up on Post-its from the supply closet because I probably won’t get another chance once I go into this. And it’s gonna take me half an hour to walk all the way over there from my desk now.”
Greggs’s boss, Joe Masterson, attempted to assuage any concerns.
“What meeting? Oh, the one late today? Yeah — sorry to say, but my team is scheduled until 5PM on Fridays,” Masterson said. “So that meeting is still technically during working hours. Look, it’s less than ideal for everyone, but sometimes these things just have to be done. There’s nothing to be concerned about, nothing at all. Especially if one of your concerns is having enough free time to hike. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put fog over some areas on the office mini-map.”
Alice Rice, Gregg’s HR Representative, had mysteriously little to say on the matter.
“Unfortunately, I don’t have any insight into personal meetings on employee calendars,” said Rice. “One thing I will say is that if you have a meeting scheduled with your manager, it’s important to attend — even if it does feel inconveniently timed. And no, I cannot confirm or deny that once employees believe the meeting with their main boss is complete, I will emerge from behind a turned-off camera to escalate the situation further. No more questions, please.”
At press time, Masterson was moving quietly through the hallways avoiding eye contact with all of his direct reports.
