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Hard Digest May 28: Pope Francis, Early Access Anxiety, Baby Reindeer, Netflix, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-29 00:00:04 +0000 UTCPope Francis Offered Three Netflix Stand-Up Specials Following Use of Gay Slur
BY VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is reportedly in talks with executives at Netflix to film three exclusive stand-up comedy specials after His Holiness used a homophobic slur during closed-door discussions with bishops last week, multiple sources confirmed.
“Pope Francis has captivated audiences for years because he has a direct line to God, but he’s usually saying a bunch of boring crap. When we heard the recording of what he said to some high-ranking church officials we were pretty confused because it was in Italian, but once someone translated it we realized this Pope guy has something special,” said Netflix programming director Alex Glenalbyn. “Francis has already been working out his first hour at some clubs around Los Angeles and let me tell you, this guy is filthy. His thoughts on abortion are absolutely nuts, and he has this entire bit about contraceptives that will knock your socks off.”
Members of the gay community were immediately disappointed with Netflix’s decision to give Pope Francis an even bigger platform.
“It’s crazy to think that the current Pope is considered ‘the progressive one.’ I mean the guy before him was part of the Hitler Youth, so that’s not really a tough act to follow, but it’s still bummer. We need to stop rewarding people for being assholes,” said 27-year-old Benny Cypress. “It makes me so mad that I’m actually considering cancelling Netflix this time. I just need to finish the last two seasons of ‘Friday Night Lights’ then I’m done. I can’t keep giving this company money.”
Entertainment critic Emily Larson is expecting Netflix to rapidly increase their user base now that they have Pope Francis on the platform.
“Netflix has been trying to crack down on password sharing for years. Now they are going to have a flood of new Catholic users and all they need is for the Pope to say ‘sharing a login is a sin’ and they will see a bunch of new revenue,” said Larson. “Since Francis is extremely old they are fast-tracking the production, and reportedly paid him $35-million per special. This makes him the highest-paid stand up on the platform ever, and he’s never even done a Comedy Central ‘Premium Blend.'”
At press time, Pope Francis was being criticized for his appearance on “The Joe Rogan Experience” where the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church and the UFC color commentator lamented how cancel culture is making it hard for comedians to do their job.
Enjoyment of Concert Ruined by Anxiety of Leaving at the Same Time as 6,000 People in Crowd
BY ALEX VLAHOV
LOS ANGELES — Local man Dwayne Jeffers’ enjoyment of a recent show was overshadowed by his debilitating anxiety at leaving at the same time as 6,000 other attendees, sources confirmed.
“OK, I think I have my exit strategy down. Just before the encore, I slowly walk out towards the aisle, which would allow me to strategically make it to the lower tier, thus avoiding this entire crowd. Now it’s the floor folks I need to worry about, which is why I’m opting for the emergency staircase. The exit routes in this amphitheater are a joke, man. Total bullshit egress and ingress routes. This is going to be a bottleneck nightmare,” opined Jeffers at a St. Vincent show, barely noticing the lavish display of pyrotechnics, intricate visuals and mind-bending solos onstage. “I knew we should’ve left after the first three songs to beat the rush. You know, I actually haven’t seen an encore since 2012. Seriously, though, the audience slowly shuffling out of here is a death trap. It can ruin and delay your day by, like, 10 or even 12 minutes.”
Jeffers’ partner Kassie Pepperfield laments their regular concert experience.
“I hate going to shows with him. He’s constantly talking about leaving ‘before everyone else,’ it’s the only thing on his mind. His ‘flight or fight’ response kicks in almost immediately when surrounded by thousands of people. I’d like to actually stick around to see the finale for once!” said Pepperfield. “We left a Paul McCartney show just as he launched into the ‘Abbey Road’ encore, and I literally heard the crowd roaring during the end of Kendrick Lamar. Both times, I was walking at a breakneck pace to keep up, absolutely unnecessary since there was no rush behind us. We speed out to be the first ones home, for what? ‘Sopranos’ reruns and microwaved leftovers!”
Greek Theatre director Mitch Menderson weighed in on the phenomena.
“The modern concert-going experience can be disastrous for those with anxiety. But we want to encourage our attendees to bring a neighborly approach as a crowd,” said Menderson. “Indulge in small talk with the strangers you were sitting beside. Make it a personal competition to hold your pee due to the mile-long bathroom line. Experience the luxurious walk to the parking lot, shuffling and stepping slowly, inching forward as you crawl home. We want to bring a positive spin to strangers stepping on your heels as you step over crumpled plastic cups. Sure, this won’t help with anxiety whatsoever. Nothing does. You will suffer forever.”
At press time, Jeffers had fractured an ankle after hastily leaving a Mitski show during the opening act, running through an empty lobby and yelling “Adios, suckers!” to no one in particular.
The “Baby Reindeer” Drama Continues: Internet Super Sleuths Believe They’ve Found The Real-life Donny Dunn
BY DAN RICE
Even if you haven’t seen Netflix’s disturbing runaway hit “Baby Reindeer” you’ve no doubt heard of controversies surrounding it. The mini-series centering around an aspiring comedian targeted by an obsessive stalker was allegedly based on reality, and unfortunately for the creators, the internet loves a good mystery.
Speculation over the real-life identities of the show’s major players began almost immediately. British television director Sean Foley received death threats from people convinced he was the basis for Darrien, a rapist. Web sleuths then upped their game and tracked down Fiona Harvey, who appears to be the basis of the show’s stalker, Martha, leading Harvey to appear on Piers Morgan’s show to tell her side of the story. Now it appears amateur investigators have uncovered the identity of the kingpin himself, main character Donny Dunn.
Richard Gadd is a Scottish-born actor, writer, and former comedian, not unlike a certain titular Baby Reindeer of a certain crazed character’s deranged obsession. The similarities don’t end there. Eagle-eyed Redditors have pointed out an uncanny physical resemblance between Gadd the man and Dunn the character. Both are pictured above and indeed, they are hard to tell apart.
Gadd first raised eyebrows when he appeared on several talk shows pleading with fans to stop trying to uncover the real-life people who inspired the characters on “Baby Reindeer.” While the request was reasonable, some self-proclaimed sleuths felt it was an odd move for an ordinary bystander with no skin in the game.
Little by little, breadcrumbs of evidence came to light. It was revealed that Gadd had briefly worked as a bartender, same as Dunn. Physical evidence placed Gadd at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival at the same time the fictional Dunn was supposed to have performed there. IMDB.com lists Gadd as the creator, writer, and star of “Baby Reindeer.” Any one of these things could be a coincidence, but when you put them all together, they seem to point in one direction.
We at The Hard Times won’t weigh in on whether or not we believe Gadd to be Dunn, but should Gadd happen to be reading, we recommend you take a cue from Fionna Harvey and appear on Piers Morgan’s show to tell your side of the story. You definitely want a shot at controlling the narrative on this thing.
New Netflix Series Explores People in Mixed Subgenre Relationships
BY LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix announced an upcoming docuseries “Subgenreous Love,” which focuses on the thrills and challenges of life in a mixed subgenre relationship, executives confirmed while voting unanimously to hike rates.
“We can’t wait for audiences to see how slight differences in music taste inform the dynamic between significant others,” chief content officer Bela Bajaria explained from her champagne-filled infinity pool. “Whether it’s the cowpunk-psychobilly newlyweds setting out on their reverb-saturated journey or the centenarian couple running out the hospice clock bickering about folktronica vs. trip hop, the series illuminates the often overlooked role subgenre plays in our romantic lives. Beyond educating viewers, we could not be more proud of the interpersonal growth and understanding our subjects experienced while making the show.”
Dutch Slaughtermore, one of the show’s participants, could not share Bajaria’s enthusiasm for the filming process.
“Being in a metal throuple and all the hundreds of subgenres that come with it is hard enough, but having a swarm of boundaryless producers constantly asking loaded questions nearly broke us,” Slaughtermore recalled. “They’d be like, ‘How hard is it on your parents that their powerviolence daughter is involved with a technical death metal fan and a grindcore head?’ Or someone would ask, ‘Can you feel everyone’s eyes on you when you walk into a Cattle Decapitation show and one of your partners is wearing a Necrophagist t-shirt?’ One PA had the nerve to ask, ‘If you had a baby, would you worry it would come out too deathcore to love?’ Honestly, it was sad how they projected their own ignorance on us. Netflix sucks.”
Tori Leach, a leading researcher of subgenre’s effect on relationships, lends her expertise throughout the series.
“Music genre is the common ground many people bond over early in a courtship, but really it’s subgenre that shapes the long term,” Leach explained. “Some find that subtle stylistic variations keep the relationship fresh while for others, it’s the first fray of a slow, torturous undoing. Hip-hop couples tend to endure competing subgenres while jazz couples tend to crumble the instant jazz fusion invades the playlist. The only way to predict whether a relationship will last is to take a hard look at the couple’s preferred subgenres.”
At press time, Netflix also announced an upcoming psilocybin documentary, which will be the 400th one on the platform.
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Disney Offering New Mandalorian Themed Immersive Experience Where You Find and Eliminate Dissenting and Treasonous Bounty
BY Exciting news comes this week from Walt Disney World’s guest relations for Star Wars fans who may be disappointed they never got to experience the Star Wars Galactic Star Cruiser. A brand new Mandalorian themed immersive experience is coming to Disney parks on both coasts that lets you hunt down and eliminate a target deemed treasonous to the house of mouse.
“We’re over the moon excited for this new experience we’re offering guests,” said Josh D’Amaro, head of Disney Experiences in a press release. “Recently we’ve had some people come out and voice some unfactual and totally baseless criticisms of our so callously referred to ‘Star Wars hotel’. This got us thinking of how we could best respond to such concerns, the answer was obvious. A new fully immersive adventure where our park guests can pay us for the opportunity to discreetly deal with those who would dare speak against us. Fun right?”
Some savvy internet sleuths were quick to suspect this new theme park feature was in part related to Jenny Nicholson’s popular YouTube video, ‘The Spectacular Failure of the Star Wars Hotel’ which prompted D’Amaro to respond in a new statement.
“Look we here at the Disney parks would never name any of these enemies of Walt by name, even if they had no trouble using my name while ruthlessly mocking my lightsaber technique. Besides, by not using their name directly we can better deny liability.” D’Amaro said while standing in front of a platoon of Stormtroopers holding extremely lifelike firearms.
“Let’s not focus on who or whom we don’t want our guests to exterminate for us, and instead focus on this amazing adventure you and your family can go on. You’ll be able to team up with Din Djarin to bring the villainous fugitive in hot or cold. Hopefully cold though. And for an extra $500 Grogu will even come along for the ride!”
In a recent tweet Nicholson expressed her concern about the new experience. Surprisingly she didn’t raise concerns about her own safety, but rather the quality of the experience.
“I mean if I’m to play the part of some sort of dissentious renegade that’s all fine and dandy I just want to at least be able to see it coming and not be seated behind a pole!” Nicholson followed up with another apprehensive tweet, “And will I be given a way to defend myself? Will I be captured and served food? How much does Disney plan to charge the Thompson family from Iowa for the opportunity to track me down and potentially freeze me in carbonite? This all sounds very risky financially speaking for Disney and park guests.”
At press time, the Disney employees who have been trying to explain to CEO Bob Iger that he can’t place bounties on people have reportedly been added to the list of targets for guests to hunt.
Million Gamer March Planned to Protest Whatever They’re Mad About the Day Of
BY MATT FRESH
WASHINGTON — Gamers across the country who are sick of their voices not being heard are set to march on Washington to combat whatever it is they’re mad about on the day of the protest radicalized sources have confirmed.
The leader of the protest, 53-year-old Jacob Riggle, who is currently between jobs and in the middle of a divorce claims that this march is the only way to make sure their voices are heard.
“This is a long time coming. For too long our grievances have gone unanswered, even ridiculed,” Riggle said in a livestream from his mother’s house where he is temporarily living. “For too long we have been an afterthought, a sacrifice made to appease the DEI woke agenda but no longer can they ignore us. We will march, be seen, be heard, and they will cave to whatever demands we have that day.”
The current planned goal of the march is to protest the presence of a black character in an upcoming game but Riggle states that the plans are fluid.
“Well, when we originally started planning this march it was to protest Sweet Baby Inc. but then we just kind of moved on, then it was going to be about the censorship of a sexy costume in a game into a slightly less sexy one. That kind of petered out when they announced the next Assassin’s Creed game will star a black samurai so currently that’s what the march will be about—having said that the gaming industry moves very quickly and they are always doing things that personally attack and discriminate against us so who knows.”
Members of the movement have various grievances they feel are real threats to their way of life that are feasible causes to protest the day of the march.
“I saw a post on X recently that showed the current Lara Croft model and they made her look like a man compared to the PS1 model and that’s not the first instance of game devs making manly-looking female characters, it’s clearly part of some gay agenda so that’s what we should be marching against. They’re not gonna brainwash us into being attracted to men, certainly not ones that aren’t even as hot as Joel.”
“This hit list of gaming journos to harass got taken down unjustly so that’s what I think we should be marching about. How dare they come after us like that by not letting us specifically call them out by name and try to dox them,” said a member who wished to remain anonymous to avoid harassment.
At press time, the members of the protest movement have all vowed that should the march be successful they will finally start considering to play some actual video games.
