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Hard Digest May 22: Early Access Villains, Trump, Ghosthunters, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-23 00:00:03 +0000 UTCTop-Hatted Guy Twiddling Handlebar Mustache in Crowd Watches as Guitarist Inches Closer to Stepping on Landmine Disguised as Pedal
BY JOE RUMRILL
KETTLE FALLS, Wash. — Local “Snidely Whiplash-type” Grivelsby Slinkslip was seen leering intently in the crowd for a shoegaze show as he waited for the guitarist to step on a pedal he sneakily switched out for a landmine, melodrama-loving sources confirmed.
“Isn’t the tension just delicious, just ever so tantalizing to say the least? Soon that guitar-wielding do-gooder, whose shoe is hovering ever-so closer to the ‘pedal’ I laid out for him, will be blown to kingdom come! Oh, that solo will be a ‘face-melter’ indeed, my good fellow!” cackled Slinkslip, punctuating every other sentence with a “nyah-hah-ha!” and a dapper hand flourish. “Soon the affections of his many female suitors will have no choice but to be redirected to yours truly! That’s why I wear this top hat, you see? So I’m always ready for my instantaneous wedding! Plus, it hides my dandruff pretty good, but don’t tell anybody that.”
Acquaintances familiar with Slinkslip’s reputation were quick to reiterate that they don’t condone his constant nefariousness.
“I don’t know if it’s the way he twiddles his handlebar mustache, or the cape he insists on wearing every damn show, or even the way he goes around repeatedly reminding everyone ‘I’m a professional stereotypical villain,’ but I’ll be honest: I get bad vibes from that guy,” said scene mainstay Whitley Farrington as he nursed a drink while making sure Slinkslip didn’t put any arsenic into it. “And it goes without saying that if all the rumors bubbling up about him tying folks to railroad tracks or lumber mill logs that are being sliced in half by buzz-saws are true, then we can just consider him canceled right here and now.”
Representatives from Electro-Harmonix, however, are thankful the buyers exist for their niche market of “pedals that are actually explosives.”
“Our ‘Kablammer Jammer’ pedal is one of our top-sellers in the evil schemers over 40 demographic. It’s designed to look like the standard Big Muff stompbox, until the target steps on it and is blasted to smithereens,” said Electro-Harmonix technician Stephen Burrowski, amid a flurry of hurling shrapnel. “I urge everyone to try it out the next time they’re at Guitar Center, if only to snuff out a few of their insufferable employees in the process, heh heh. Just make sure your evil laughter is in tune, and the room acoustics are prepared for the bugle calls of nearby Canadian mounties called in to save the day.”
At press time, Slinkslip’s dastardly plan was thwarted when the guitarist accidentally stepped on a loose bear trap onstage that the villain regrets he somehow had nothing to do with.
Opinion: Donald Trump Has Had His Dick Caught in a Zipper for Three Weeks. Here’s Why That Could Spell Trouble for the Biden Campaign
BY JOHN ADKINS
If you’ve been paying attention to the Trump campaign, you might have noticed a bold change to his appearance. No, he didn’t change his trademark blonde combover, or swap out his red tie. Look closely, and you’ll see that Donald Trump has had his dick caught in his zipper for three weeks. If you think that’s good news for the Biden campaign, think again.
Having your junk zipped up in your pants might seem like an unorthodox campaign strategy, but when has the former President ever played by the establishment’s rules? Sure, Trump’s crowds may look at the Republican nominee and see a dangerously swollen black-and-blue horror show between his legs, but it does prove he’s got a dick, and that plays well with his base.
With the medical concerns dogging Biden’s first term, maybe he should be the one leaking some brain on the campaign trail. Nobody’s calling him Dickless Joe yet, but they could be—and that’s a problem for his reelection chances.
That’s because in the heartland, signs reading ‘Damaged Dongs for Donald’ are starting to pop up at rallies, and blue-collar workers are eagerly zipping their genitals into their Wranglers. Noticeably absent in the same cities? Bumper stickers reading ‘Fucked Up Junk For Joe’, or college students mutilating their peckers for Biden. And if the MAGA movement’s zippered teeth get a tight grip on the wieners of swing state voters, Biden’s chances could slip away.
It wouldn’t be the first time a Democrat dangled dick to lure in swing voters. Bill Clinton used to drop hog out of those tiny shorts he wore when he jogged to McDonalds, and he rode that red rocket straight to a second term. Perhaps our political times have changed, and Bill showing his Big Mac was merely some folksy pervert shit of a bygone era—but with the Presidency on the line, can Biden take that chance?
Of course, the unusual strategy brings up more questions than answers about Trump’s ultimate plan for November. Has he not changed his pants in three weeks, or does he re-zip his penis each time he uses the bathroom? How did Eric and Don Jr. get both their penises stuck into one finger trap? And can the country survive the horror of Ted Cruz jumping on the trend? We don’t know, but only time will tell if this bold gambit will ultimately cut off the circulation to Trump’s penis, or cut off Biden’s path to the Oval Office.
Ghost Hunters Swear They Can Hear the Rattling of Dead Punk’s Wallet Chain in Abandoned Denny’s
BY DAN KOZUH
SAN FRANCISCO — A group of amateur ghost hunters recently declared they’ve captured evidence of paranormal activity in an abandoned Denny’s, claiming that the restless spirit of a deceased punk is making his or her presence known through the faint rattling of a wallet chain.
“It was during one of our EVP sessions in the abandoned Denny’s kitchen when we first heard it. A subtle, metallic jingling, like the unmistakable sound of a wallet chain rattling against a plastic chair,” Hank Moran, head of Bay Area paranormal investigative team The Spectral Seekers, recounted. “Perhaps it’s Sid Vicious, forever doomed to wander the mortal realm in search of his last Moons Over My Hammy. We’ve got to keep on the lookout for his Nancy. Er, maybe.”
Skeptics, however, do not believe that footage portrays anything preternatural.
“I find the notion of a ghostly wallet chain rattling in a decaying chain diner about as plausible as finding Bigfoot ordering a Grand Slam breakfast,” noted paranormal debunker Geneva Nelson said after reviewing the evidence. “It is probably a normal, flesh-and-blood punk that is just squatting in the Denny’s, or a family of raccoons. Either way, these guys are gonna have to get tested for rabies.”
Dr. Evelyn Monroe, a renowned expert in paranormal history, isn’t so quick to call the footage bunk.
“It wouldn’t be entirely surprising if the spirit of a punk rocker decided to make this place his eternal stomping ground. Ghosts like to haunt places where they spent a lot of time, and a Denny’s around midnight makes perfect sense,” remarked Dr. Monroe. “Ghosts also appear in places where they experienced a lot of pain. And frankly, a Denny’s is ideal. Where else can you find a perfect potent combination of angst and gastrointestinal distress?”
As of press time, the Spectral Seekers claim to have captured a ghostly voice from within the Denny’s asking if anyone can cover them this time for their coffee.
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Multiversus’ Roster Now Outnumbers Multiversus’ Fanbase
BY NICK COFFMAN
BURBANK, Calif. — With the recent addition of Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series, and Agent Smith from The Matrix series, Multiversus roster now exceeds its fanbase in total numbers with 27 characters.
I sat down with a few of those fans to discuss the return of the IP whoring brawler and to get the lowdown on the Multiversus scene.
“It’s like each of us is getting a character all to ourselves,” said Thomas Shrek, a college freshman rocking a Marvin the Martian t-shirt. “Every time I close my eyes there’s someone new on the roster. It makes me really hopeful for future DLC characters. Like I think they’ll add Walter White from Breaking Bad, or Eleven from Stranger Things.”
The room collectively nodded in agreement at Shrek’s DLC wishlist. After explaining intellectual property rights and the limitations of Warner Brothers Discovery, I proceeded to question the fanbase about the roster and what they thought of the game’s return after a year-long hiatus.
“They called us fools for sticking around. Who’s the fool now?” Terry Philips, a comic illustrator in a Steven Universe t-shirt, shouted to the heavens. “We all awaited its return and now we shall be granted a main of our own for our patience and loyalty. All we need now is the twenty-seventh fan that the prophecy foretold of. He is a LeBron James main and he will make us whole.”
Philips approached me, continuing to shout nonsense about a twenty-seventh fan. He grabbed me and I shoved him to the ground. In the struggle, he ripped the button-down shirt I wear for interviews, revealing my Miami Heat jersey that doubles as a good undershirt. The fans in the room let out an ear-piercing screech. My ears filled with pain as more screeches started up in the distance. The room fell silent after what felt like hours. All eyes were on me.
“Twenty-Seven. We’ve been waiting for you,” the fans said in sync. “Each character now has their player. The game is complete. Join us. Join us and we can create a community of peace, tranquility, and of speculating characters the developers will deliver to us as DLC gifts from the heavens. With this control you are one of us, and we are all one. Welcome, brother.”
At press time, I prophesied to my brothers that Don Draper of Mad Men and Michonne from The Walking Dead would soon join the Multiversus’ roster.
ICC Issues Arrest Warrant for Cast, Crew Of “The Big Bang Theory”
BY THOMAS WILDE
THE HAGUE — The International Criminal Court announced that it will seek warrants for the arrest of all cast and crew involved with the American sitcom The Big Bang Theory and its spinoffs.
ICC prosecutor Karim Khan held a press conference revealing the intention to bring the cast and crew to justice.
“We figured we’d swing for the fences,” said Khan to a slightly confused press. “2024 is the year we start checking things off the ICC’s bucket list. We’re going to arrest some war criminals, end a couple of regional conflicts, and finally bring a stop to the waking nightmare that is Chuck Lorre’s career.”
Added Khan, “How does a sitcom run for 12 seasons without ever telling an actual joke? Who the hell was watching that?”
While some were confused over the ICC’s move, various experts weighed in.
“Big Bang Theory, ran from Sept. 2007 to May 2019. For nearly 12 years on the air, it somehow won multiple Emmy Awards and a Golden Globe, which is proof of the spiritual decay of Western civilization,” said sociologist Warren Calvera.
“Nobody knows how Lorre does it,” said TV critic and historian Elias Patinkin. “His shows are usually neurotoxic in small doses, but somehow they’re also ratings gold. Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Men and it still kept running for three seasons. Young Sheldon was a pox on all who witnessed it for 7 years and now the next Big Bang spinoff, Georgie & Mandy’s First Marriage will wage war against the human psyche this fall on CBS. Frankly, we have to be open to the possibility of demonic contracts.”
While the ICC’s move against The Big Bang Theory has been derided by international critics, who argue that the ICC has got to have better things to do with its time, it’s been met with widespread acclaim from young people in English-speaking countries.
“My grandmother told me that I remind her of Sheldon Cooper,” said college student Rodney Schaeffer, who attended a pro-ICC demonstration in New York City on Monday night. “No one else should have to suffer through that. If the U.S. government won’t do something, at least the ICC will.”
At press time, the ICC plans to also issue arrest warrants to AI artists, Ernest Cline, various members of the Super Smash Bros. Melee pro circuit, and anyone who has ever sold weed to Kevin Smith.
