thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest June 22: Early Access Summer Clothing, Instagram, Social Interactions, and More Free Vinyl,
Punk Who Wears Too Little Clothing in Winter Excited to Now Wear Too Much In SummerBY MATTHEW SCHNEEMANMINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Bobby Anderson, who spent the winter underdressed, is excited to spend the summer wearing way more clothes than anyone would deem necessary, sources close to the sweaty man confirmed.“It...
Hard Digest June 21: Early Access Joe Rogan, Chappell Roan, The Crusades, Credit Card Debt, and More
Joe Rogan Accidentally Books Mindforce After Mistaking Them for Supplement CompanyBY TIM GRAHAMAUSTIN, Texas — Hardcore band Mindforce appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast after they were mistaken for a brain-boosting supplement, according to confused, kettlebell-curling sources.“We were psyched to be getti...
Hard Digest June 20: Kendrick, Early Access Male Feminists, Gordon Ramsay, Sigur Ros, and More
Male Feminist Corrects Female Coworker by Insisting She Had “Women’s” Night OutBY DOUG KOLICVANCOUVER, Wash. – Local office worker and self-proclaimed feminist Bryce Coquet loudly reprimanded a female coworker for having the audacity to mention that she had a “girl’s” night out to celebrate her birthday o...
More Removed Content
The beauty of being a Patron is you get to see things that the social media companies take down immediately. We thought we were playing by the rules, but I guess not. Anyway, here is a promotional Reel for the latest episode of Mvp that was taken down within 10 seconds of being published. Enjoy. And go listen to the la...
Mvp: Madonna "Like a Prayer"
We are down on our knees ready to take you there with an all-new episode of Mvp. This week Bill and Dan break down the iconic, controversial, and bat shit crazy video for "Like a Prayer" and Bill tells a story that guarantees this episode won't be coming out from behind the paywall.Tell your friends to sign...
Hard Digest June 19: Justin Timberlake, Ted Cruz, Early Access Healthy Eating, The Worst -Phile, Feminist Allies, and More
Justin Timberlake Writes Entire Album About How Long Island Iced Tea Is a Lying WhoreBY SARAH CORTINASAG HARBOR, NY — Justin Timberlake announced his next album will be about how the popular alcoholic beverage Long Island Iced Tea is a lying whore in response to is DUI arrest earlier this week, sources confirmed.“L...
Hard Digest June 18: NBA Final, Early Access Popeye, Lemon Law, Losers, and More
Boston Celtics Beat Dallas Mavericks in NBA Championship as Final Revenge for JFKBY ERIC SCHWARTZBOSTON — Players, coaches, and administrators for the Boston Celtics celebrated their record-breaking 18th title and claimed the victory was revenge for the city of Dallas killing the 35th president of the United States J...
Hard Digest June 17: Early Access "All the Small Things," Therapists, Stolen Riffs, and More
Scientists Confirm 97% of Millennials Programmed To Stop Where They Are and Sing Along to “All the Small Things”BY ARIELLE ANDREANOCAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University’s Department of Psychology made a breakthrough discovery confirming that 97% of Millennials are programmed to stop right where t...
Hard Digest June 16: Father's Day, Early Access Original Lineups, Chicken Parm, Good Guys With Guns, and More
Band Launches “See Original Lineup Before One of Them Dies” TourBY PATRICK CROOKSLOS ANGELES — Citing the ever-increasing reality of their impending mortality, members of the iconic punk band Broken Tongue announced the original line-up was getting together to tour one last time before one of them croaks, sources...
Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Father's Day, Boomers, and More
Absent Father Who Just Buys His Kids’ Love and Affection Is Honestly Fucking Crushing ItBY MIKE MAHERSCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single important moment in their lives,...
Hard Digest June 14: X, Early Access Firefighters, Grave Digger, The Green Mile, Local Pizza, and More
Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes PrivateBY ERIC SCHWARTZWASHINGTON — Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.“This is a huge...
Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Pledge of Allegiance, James Bond, Toyotathon, and More
Heartbreaking: Annoying Kid That Refused to Do Pledge of Allegiance in High School Was 100% RightBY MATT HUSSERTACOMA, Wash. — Local man Blake Crawford was reportedly heartbroken while attending his 20-year high school reunion after coming to the realization that the once annoying kid Zach Reynolds who refused to do ...
MVP: Suicidal Tendencies "Institutionalized"
Grab a Pepsi and tell your parents you hate them, this week Bill and Dan break down the classic music video for "Institutionalized." If you like skateboarding, angst, and bad lip syncing then this video is for you. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/LoF_a0-7xVQ?si=iHdn2M7s0SM9T3nJ
Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Taylor Swift, Rivers Cuomo, Mickey Mouse, and More
Guy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her SongsBY REUBEN BLANCHARDWORCESTER, Mass. — Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls,” sources confi...
Hard Digest June 11: Early Access Food Trucks, Mentos, Bob Dylan, and More
Regrets of Going to Show on Tuesday Night Lessened by Food Truck Parked OutsideBY CHRIS BOWENLOS ANGELES. — Local man Derek Mitchum regretted attending a show at The Smell music venue on a work night until a local food truck parked outside to sell artisan poutine, several gravy-stained sources report.“I immediately...
Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Door Guy, Waiters, Taco Tuesday, and More
Bummer: Entire Show Cancelled After Door Guy Loses MarkerBY CHRIS BOWENSEATTLE — A recent punk show at High Dive was canceled last-minute after door guy Morgan Dieter lost his one and only marker, sources confirmed.“Without an inking implement, I am unable to do my job of making a little mark on everyone’s right ...
Hard Digest June 9: Early Access Free Climbing, They Might Be Giants, Envy, and More
Punk Attempting to Free Climb 6’4” Man Blocking His View of StageBY BEN FRIEDMANMINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.“Some people think I have a death wish, but I...
Hard Digest June 8: Early Access Milo Goes to Trade School, Missed Connections, Skateboarding, Adult Leagues, and More
Annoying Conservative Tells Milo He “Should Have Gone to Trade School Instead”BY CHRIS BOWENMANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Unbearable conservative Doug Tannenburg told Descendents logo Milo that he should have chosen trade school instead of going to college in the ‘80s, confirmed irritated sources.“College is noth...
Hard Digest June 7: Early Access RHCP, Couples Therapy, Pride, Emily the Strange, and More
Parents Force Teenage Son to Listen to Entire Red Hot Chili Peppers Discography as Punishment for Adding “Dani California” to Family PlaylistBY ROBERT BUTLERSEATTLE — Local parents Chris and Maggie Nelson forced their teenage son to listen to the entire Red Hot Chili Peppers discography as punishment for adding ...
Hard Digest June 6: Israel Bombing, Steve Bannon, Early Access AxC, Gentrifcation, Day Trader Dominance, and More
Israel Shows Support For Western Culture By Committing Mass Murder At SchoolBY TIM SHEARDCENTRAL GAZA — Israeli government officials confirmed that the bombing of a UN school in Gaza, which was carried out using munitions from the United States, was in support of America’s tradition of having kids die in school.“...
Mvp: Beastie Boys "Sabotage"
Today we break down one of the best music videos of all time. If "Sabotage" isn't in your top 3 favorite music videos then go take a long hard look in the mirror, then call your parents and ask them the following question "Where did you go wrong when raising me?" Go listen to the episode.Watch the m...
Hard Digest June 5: Early Access Creative Projects, Nosferatu, Ball Busting, and More
Man Finally Feeling Ready to Begin Creative Project 80 Years After DyingBY JOHN DANEKBATON ROUGE, La. — The ghost of Winston Batts, a cobbler and hobbyist clarinetist who died in 1944, is finally inspired enough to begin work on his first big band jazz album, skeptical angels reported.“I never wanted to start compo...
Hard Digest June 4: Slipknot, Early Access Hot Topic, Addiction, Golden Tickets, and More
Circle of Life: Man Conceived In Bathroom At Slipknot Concert Plans to Follow in His Parent’s Footsteps At 25th Anniversary TourBY JUS KAPLANNOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local metalhead Lonny Godwin, a man who was conceived in the handicapped stall in the bathroom of The Union Bar in Iowa City during Slipknot’s World Domi...
Hard Digest June 3: The First Female President?, Early Access Goths, Brain Cancer, Metalheads, and More
President Biden Promises If Re-Elected America Will Have First Female President Within Three MonthsBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFWASHINGTON — President Biden congratulated Mexico’s first female president Claudia Sheinbaum on her win and promised Americans that this country’s glass ceiling will also be shattered within t...
Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Danzig, Hybrids, Wind Farms, and More
Black Cat at Adoption Event Still Holding Out Hope Danzig Will Show UpBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFLOS ANGELES — Local shelter cat Midnight is holding out hope that legendary frontman Glenn Danzig will show up in the waning minutes of today’s adoption event to bring him back to a spooky forever home, skeptical sources co...
Hard Digest June 1: Trump's Big Wave, Early Access Brand New Coverups, Malaise, Birds, and Taylor Swift
Long Island Tattooer Still Makes Good Living Covering Up Brand New LyricsBY VINCENT IVESLONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Greenport tattoo artist Hazel Derulo continues to make an excellent salary by simply covering up Brand New lyrics she originally tattooed in the mid-00s, sources rolling in dough report.“It wasn’t like ‘B...
Hard Digest May 31: Trump Fallout, Early Access The Red Chord, Drinking, Target, Banking, and More
QAnon Follower Desperately Trying to Decipher Significance of “34” in Trump’s 34 ConvictionsBY TREVOR GRAHAMBOISE, Idaho. — Followers of the QAnon conspiracy theory are trying to find hidden meaning in the 34 felony convictions of former president Donald Trump which were handed down in the New York criminal fra...
Hard Digest May 30: Trump Trial Updates, Early Access Instagram Doctors, Barenaked Ladies, Blood Donations, and More
Donald Trump Announces Sweeping New Policy On Prison ReformBY HARRY VALENTINENEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump announced a sweeping series of policy changes intended to overhaul the United States prison system shortly after being convicted of 34 felonies related to falsifying documents, campaign officials conf...
Mvp: The White Stripes "Fell In Love With A Girl"
This week Bill and Dan break down the award winning video for "Fell In Love With A Girl" from The White Stripes. Travel back in time with us to 2002 as we dig into every single detail you will ever need to know about this music video.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTH71AAxXmM
Hard Digest May 29: Early Access Ukulele, Family, Divinyls, and More
Ukulele Player Realizes Full Potential Recording Song for Herpes Medication Ad CampaignBY IAN STEFFÉCHERRY VALLEY, N.Y. — Ukulele artist Laurel D’Amato recently experienced a huge career leap when she was offered a gig as a jingle writer for a herpes medication, Grundlenex, excited sources confirmed.“You know, I...
