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Hard Digest June 18: NBA Final, Early Access Popeye, Lemon Law, Losers, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-19 00:00:04 +0000 UTCBoston Celtics Beat Dallas Mavericks in NBA Championship as Final Revenge for JFK
BY BOSTON — Players, coaches, and administrators for the Boston Celtics celebrated their record-breaking 18th title and claimed the victory was revenge for the city of Dallas killing the 35th president of the United States John F. Kennedy.
“We worked hard all season and we were extra motivated to get this win over Dallas because of the events of November 22nd, 1963 when President Kennedy was shot down in his prime while driving through Dallas,” said Celtics star Jaylen Brown. “We wanted to really prove a point in this series, there was a lone shooter in Texas on that fateful day that changed America, but we had everyone on our team showing them how real shooters operate. I want to dedicate this win to all the surviving Kennedy family members out there and hopefully this win brings you peace.”
Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla says he was specifically practicing to defeat the Mavericks for weeks.
“We dissected game tape and identified plenty of strategies that we knew would deliver us another championship as long as we stayed disciplined,” said Mazzulla. “But also I made sure my players understand the history of this rivalry. Yes, the Celtics are mainly associated with the Lakers, but the rivalry with Dallas is far more personal. I made sure these guys watched the Zapruder film at least 15 times a day, and we listened to ‘Bullet’ by the Misfits to close out every practice. And I made sure Oliver Stone’s ‘JFK’ was the only movie on the airplane when we flew to Dallas. These boys were pumped to play and to exact revenge for Jack Kennedy, and I couldn’t be more proud.”
Boston Independent Businessmen Association leader Patrick “Shallow Grave” Flannagan was happy the official narrative of the JFK assassination brought home another title.
“Yeah listen I’ll tell you what, I’m excited for these kids they earned it. If hating Lee Harvey Oswald and the entire city of Dallas is what it takes to bring home a title then I hope we can run it back next year. I just don’t want anyone digging into Mr. Kennedy’s dealings with the criminal underworld,” said Flannagan. “It would be a real shame if these players were to learn that a criminal conspiracy involving mobs from LA, Chicago, and Boston conspired with the CIA to um, uh, eliminate the president. We want to get back to back championships, so make sure these guys stay away from any fringe podcasts.”
At press time, the convertible President Kennedy was assassinated in is expected to lead victory parade and all book depositories along the route will be closed “just in case.”
Everyone in Mosh Pit Hoping Popeye Doesn’t Notice That Can of Spinach by Merch Table
BY JOE RUMRILL
SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE — Mosh pitters of a recent Harbored Frustrations show were apprehensive when they noticed Popeye in the pit within grabbing distance of a can of spinach, sources covering their face and groins in protection confirmed.
“Dude, it was like everyone was monitoring a ticking time bomb, I swear. The only thing between all of us surviving in the pit that night was Popeye not catching a glimpse of that lone can of Del Monte lingering over by the merch table,” said apprehensive audience member Ernest “Pollywog” Polinzski. “The show being a vegan potluck didn’t help things either, to tell you the truth. He could’ve taken a bite of anything and the band would’ve had to lurch into a rousing instrumental rendition of ‘Be Kind To Your Webbed-Footed Friends’ and we would have been punching bags for the next hour, whether we identified as ‘palookas’ or not!”
Legendary sailorman Popeye, who was showing his support for his nephew Peepeye’s band, was reliably brusque in his muttered response.
“I tell ya, I’m halfways to disgustipated with hows I was bein’ biffed and boffed around. Just trying to stands, but I can’t stands no more! I yam what I yam, but I yain’t some big gorilla yous can push around just because loud noises are coming from the amplifryers,” said the iconic character, while periodically making a steam whistle’s toot from his corncob pipe somehow. “I been deep in the harsh eleminks of the seven seas, but all seven have nothin’ on do-si-do-in’ my way into a crust punk’s armpit. Someone oughta blow THESE fellas down…with soap and water! Arf arf arf!”
Greg Longstreet, president and CEO of Del Monte Foods, issued a long-due statement on the destruction his product inflicts when in the wrong hands.
“Yeah, I heard about the narrowly avoided bloodbath at the show, and again, I feel it is my duty to apologize for this one-eyed scourge who must be stopped. Spinach is not inherently bad, but regrettably, for those who cannot handle its intoxicating effects, the result could indeed be violent,” said a rueful Longstreet. “Please, when you find yourself swept up in this man’s vegetable-fueled rage storms, and end up plastered against the wall as a bunch of steaks and kielbasa with a sarcastic ‘Dead Meat’ sign hung over, please don’t blame our company. The man belongs behind bars, but his girlfriend would just slink between them and bust him out.”
At press time, the vegan potluck was interrupted by a rotund bowler-hatted fellow saying he’d gladly pay anyone Tuesday for a black-bean burger today.
Lemon Law? I Just Bought a Used Car With a Powerman 5000 Album Stuck in the CD Player
BY MIKE MAHER
Hand to god, this thing was a steal. At least I thought it was.
2001 Pontiac Aztek GT. 40k miles. One owner. Spotless Carfax report. A clean machine, my friends. Even had the original floor mats. And ran like a ferret when I test-drove her. But that’s also when things got weird.
As I whipped around the 5 Below parking lot, the seller was super anxious, all shifty-eyed in the passenger seat and whatnot. When I reached for the stereo to play some tunes, he swatted my hand away like I was trying to get to second base. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but this dude couldn’t make the sale fast enough. The car wasn’t even in park before he barrel rolled out the door with my $15k. And that’s when shit really went south.
When I sped off and finally cranked up that sweet Blaupunkt sound system, that band Powerman 5000 blasted from the speakers without warning. Last time I heard these guys was when my shithead brother would watch that reality show for fake wrestling, “Tough Enough.” I get why this music would make you want to smash someone with a chair. I hit eject, but the CD wouldn’t budge. I shut off the car, but the song kept playing. It wasn’t even a full album; it was the CD single of “When Worlds Collide.” Stuck in my stereo. On repeat. At full volume.
The owner must want his PM5K CD back, I thought. But when I called his number, it was already unlisted.
I panicked. Maybe cried a little. There had to be some recourse, other than driving into a wall. I contacted the Better Business Bureau about lemon law violations. They sympathized but said there are no protections for a car 20 years past warranty with an aftermarket stereo that’s been possessed by electroclash cyberfunkmetal.
Desperate, I hired a personal injury lawyer because now I was in pain, so much pain. I wasn’t entitled to any compensation, but he did get the judge to issue a restraining order against the vehicle. So now the Powerman 5000 CD, and unfortunately the Aztek, can’t come within 100 yards of me. The legal fees cost more than the car, but hey, problem solved!
Last I heard, the vehicle was donated to Kars4Kids. Oh great. Now I have that fucking song stuck in my head.
Man With Nothing Going on Forces Self to Wait 10 Excruciating Minutes Before RSVPing to Party
BY JOE RUMRILL
NEW YORK — Local 36-year-old loser Ryan Buttermyer reportedly maintained a heroic ten-minute wait period before confirming he’d be at a party, despite having absolutely nothing happening in his sad little life otherwise, sources confirmed amid cringes.
“I knew I’d come off as too eager if I responded right away, so I decided to buckle down, keep my cool, and wait until my Hungry-Man Dinner was finished microwaving before popping off a ‘I’ll be there with bells on!’” said the almost impressively lame Buttermyer, not realizing how desperate that still sounds. “I mean, as I was watching the clock tick down those ten minutes, I could just picture them probably thinking ‘Is Ryan even coming? Do we have his correct contact information?’ But, that’s what you gotta do if you want to seem cool. Oh, speaking of, I should ask if I should bring some jigsaw puzzles. Imagine me strolling in with an armful of 500-piece ‘Covered Bridges of the American South’ fashionably late at four minutes past the start time!”
Buttermyer’s coworker, whose birthday is the celebration in question, confirmed that the invitation was one of pity.
“I mean, he was still the first one to say he was attending by a mile. No question about it. In fact, I don’t think any of my ‘actually’ cool friends will take the time to RSVP at all, because they have other things in their lives that need their attention,” said party-thrower Denise Coulier, a begrudging acquaintance of Buttermyer. “Honestly, we only invited Ryan because he cleans up everyone’s dishes as the night goes on, since nobody’s ever really talking to him for more than a few seconds. The trick is getting him to leave at the end of the night, though. Last time my partner and I straight up pretended to fall asleep and we still had to suffer through his tuck-ins and lullabies for another 40 minutes. Ugh, on second thought, maybe we should cancel and reschedule when we know he’s out of town…but when is that guy EVER out of town?”
Leading social therapist Dr. Yeoman Frey says that Buttermyer is not alone in his inability to play it cool.
“In many ways, it could be compared to sexual ‘edging’ where the loser or outcast in question pushes themselves to the brink of sanity trying to play off that they aren’t over the moon excited to be included in any social function once invited,” said Dr. Frey, who was clearly speaking from experience, judging by his empty wall calendar. “Actually I could show you a real-life example if you knew of anything going on right now…do you? Not that I don’t have anything better to do with my time, of course, but, if you did know of anything I could check my schedule… move some stuff around. No? Yeah, no, I have literally no wiggle room in my night tonight anyway, yeah. Maybe some other evening though?”
At press time, Buttermyer was seen to already be scouting out his parking location for next week’s gathering out of sheer boredom.
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