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Hard Digest June 7: Early Access RHCP, Couples Therapy, Pride, Emily the Strange, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-08 00:00:05 +0000 UTCParents Force Teenage Son to Listen to Entire Red Hot Chili Peppers Discography as Punishment for Adding “Dani California” to Family Playlist
BY SEATTLE — Local parents Chris and Maggie Nelson forced their teenage son to listen to the entire Red Hot Chili Peppers discography as punishment for adding “Dani California” to the family Spotify playlist, sources confirmed.
“I know this is an unorthodox way of parenting but if you’re living in this household, you will not be a fan of any Chili Peppers. Not even the Dave Navarro era,” said the father of three. “He tried to hide a copy of ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ under his mattress but we found it. We always do. We’ll see how he feels about this band after he’s listened to everything the band has released, including the greatest hits compilations, B-sides, and demos. Then we’ll move onto movies that Flea has appeared in. After this, he’ll never be drawn in by those mesmerizing bass hooks ever again.”
The 14-year-old admits the habit may have been difficult to break at first.
“All my other friends were doing it and I thought I looked cool when listening to this band,” said Travis Nelson. “Needless to say, it felt harmless at first, but after eight straight hours of this RHCP onslaught, I’m ready to avoid them entirely. Or at least only listen to them when I’m not home. I heard addiction was bad but I didn’t know it could be like this. ”
Julia Moores, family therapist and author of the best-selling book “Your Gen Z And You,” defended the parents.
“One afternoon when I was a teen I made the mistake of recording ‘It’s My Life’ by Bon Jovi onto the mixtape we kept in our minivan. My father was so upset, he turned the van around and raced home. I was not to leave the table until I had listened to every single one of their albums, beginning to end,” says Moores. “As upset as I was at the time, I know it worked. Ever since then I can’t even be in the same room when Bon Jovi is playing. If I’m at a party and it happens to come on, I just step outside. I can’t even experience second-hand Bon Jovi.”
At press time, the parents’ method worked so well that their teenage son doesn’t even have the urge to visit the state of California anymore.
For a Hundred Extra Dollars This Couples Therapist Will Just Tell You Who is Right
BY Therapy, whether it be the online variety or the old-school kind where you have to leave your house, has become not only socially acceptable but so popular that people now assume there’s something wrong with you if you’re not telling all your problems to a stranger every week. In order to deal with high costs, many people are turning to couples therapy, thereby combining some of their medical expenses with date night.
Even with this clever trick, therapy can be an expensive undertaking, especially if your therapist doesn’t validate parking. It can also be emotionally draining to return week after week to the same strip mall to argue about whose father was more of a dick and why that means the other person should do the dishes. So what are unhappy members of the disappearing middle class to do? It turns out a psychologist in the tiny hamlet of Hartford, NY may have the answer.
“The truth is, most therapists know which one of you is the problem five minutes after you walk in the door.” says Dr. Kailey Strafford “But we don’t want to say anything because that would be kinda rude. It would also keep us from making like thousands of dollars… so there’s a lot of factors at play.”
But after several years in the field, Dr. Strafford became what they referred to as, “totally bored”. That’s when they decided to streamline their process. Now for an extra $100 in cash, they will tell you who is right on your very first visit.
“Dr. Strafford was a real godsend for us!” said former patient Angela Jameson “We’d heard about their revolutionary technique so I folded up a hundred-dollar bill and passed it to them when we shook hands. We were out of there 10 minutes later and now my boyfriend has to sell that stupid parrot! Thanks Dr. S!”
But not everyone is thrilled with the good doctor’s new form of therapy.
“It’s completely outrageous!” said Dr. Willford Brimmel of the American Psychological Association, “Most of us spend well over a decade training to be therapists. You can’t just ask for an extra $100 and tell a couple who is ‘right’. Something closer to $250 is much more reasonable if you want to maintain a summer home at halfway decent location.”
Dr. Strafford says they understand some of this criticism. “Even I have to admit there are multiple dimensions to any relationship,” they explained. “That’s why starting next week, for an extra $25 each, I will not only tell couples which one of them is wrong but will let them know if they are hot enough to continue getting away with their bullshit.”
Neo-Liberal Mayor Paints Anti-Homeless Spikes For Pride
BY STAMFORD, Conn. — Mayor Shannon Still reiterated her city’s commitment to celebrating lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people by hiring a local artist to paint the area’s hostile architecture in a rainbow pattern, sources currently calling the cops confirmed.
“After seeing all the attacks on this marginalized group, we are making it clear that all people, no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity, are welcome here,” said Mayor Still as she supervised the hanging of a “Love Is Love” banner on a gate covering a shady spot under an outdoor staircase. “We’ve painted rainbow flags on the sleeping deterrents on our public benches and increased funding for law enforcement to look out for vagrants and drifters who might incite violence. And we’ve gone all out for the parade. We cut down the trees along the route to increase visibility and put in planters, so there will be plenty of spots to stand without the ‘unhoused’ tents getting in the way.”
Local community groups welcomed Mayor Still’s support of their ongoing inclusion efforts.
“The pursuit of acceptance and equality is a 24/7 job, but we appreciate the city’s commitment and support, especially during Pride,” said Gray Parker, President of the Stamford Chapter of UnVisible LGBTQIA+. “They stepped up in a big way, stationing security guards at our libraries to suss out suspicious people who look like they might challenge books, and ordered St. Luke’s African Methodist Episcopal Soup Kitchen to pause operations so it can be used as a safe space/reading room/vendor marketplace.”
As expected, these measures have been criticized by conservative groups, but there has been pushback from those in the queer community as well.
“While the mission is certainly admirable, the execution raises concerns of political pinkwashing,” said activist Elie Trumaneas as they unpacked boxes of apparel. “The City Council is using Pride as an empty gesture for political goodwill without any lasting forward movement. And frankly, if you know a single queer person, you know that many of us are committed to providing for those in need, instead of punishing them for simply existing. You can read about it in our latest print edition newsletter, thanks to a generous donation from Exxon-Mobil.”
Mayor Stills insists these will be lasting changes and that they intend to celebrate cultures and communities throughout the year, mentioning that for Hispanic Heritage Month they will be “blasting” Salsa music in the all-weather gazebos in Commons Park.
We Sit Down With Emily the Strange Because She’s Running the Haunted Bed and Breakfast We Booked
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
Emily the Strange, the ingenious young girl with a fascination for all things macabre and one time unofficial Hot Topic mascot, is as synonymous with goth as Siouxsie Sioux and the color black. It’s been a hot minute since we’ve seen her around, so you could only imagine our surprise running into her on our vacation in Blandindulle, mostly because she’s the owner of the haunted B&B we’re trying to escape.
The Hard Times: Wow, you’re the last person we expected to see working the front desk at 1 a.m. Is your mom around? We’d like to chat with her about some issues we’ve been having with our stay.
EMILY: Patti isn’t here. You can talk to me, I own the place. Hotel entrepreneurship is my specialty after molecular biology and skateboarding.
Oh uh, that’s cool. Well listen, when we spoke to the guy on the phone last week he said there’d be activities like gardening and yoga, and it looks like the backyard is just a freshly dug up graveyard.
Not sure who you spoke to, I’m the only person within twenty miles – oh, wait that was probably Raven. He’s the cybernetic golem I made out of reanimated bird parts and he’s also the head chef. But yeah, we’re replanting the coffins tonight if that’s your thing. Any other dumb crap you want to bug me about?
Uhhhh well it’s just that last night we were woken up by some weird noises. It was back and forth between guttural screams and moans of anguish. Are there some escaped mental patients staying here or something?
No, those guys checked out a few days ago. You’re the only guest staying here, but you’re not the only souls, if you catch my drift. They can be noisy but they came with the house and keep better company than the living. Speaking of which, any interest in helping me test out this brain-scanning machine I’ve been working on? I’ve run out of test subjects.
We’ll take a raincheck on that. Listen now that we think about it, the La Quinta Inn by the airport might be more our style. Could we check out?
Technically yes, but the doors lock from the outside so you might as well get comfortable. Besides, I’m giving a lecture on theoretical physics and contacting the dead so I’m going to need your undivided attention. Plus it’ll give the cats time to tidy up the room.
So the cats are-
The cleaning staff, yes. Just so you know Mystery and NeeChee will bite you and whisper ancient languages from before recorded time to drive you insane if you left wet towels on the floor on top of a $25 fee.
Fine, but we’re not making the bed! But seriously, we ought to be going and I’m sure it’s past your bedtime. WAIT WHY ARE THE WALLS MOVING?
Look,I don’t walk into your job and slap the piss out of your mouth, don’t tell me how to run a hotel where all the paintings come to life. Relax and let the poltergeists do their thing. It’s not like you’re going to die. Yet. Man, if there’s one thing that spoils running an unlicensed B&B from hell, it’s other people!
More From The Hard Times:
The Top 10 Things My Landlord Needs to Fix If He Ever Wants to See His Cat Again
Every The Velvet Underground Album Ranked Worst to Best
Legends of Gaming History: Meet the Three Armed Man Who Designed the Nintendo 64 Controller
BY REDMOND, Wash. — Passing him on the street, one might think that Ross Palmer was just like any other guy when in reality he is one of the most influential figures in gaming history. After nearly thirty years, Ross Palmer is finally stepping out of the shadows to discuss his visionary role in the Nintendo 64 controller’s controversial design.
“When I first started at Nintendo of America in 1994, they stuck me in the mailroom, likely so they didn’t have to look at my grotesque appendage,” said Palmer, effortlessly curling a forty-pound dumbbell with his extra arm. “I’ve been a Nintendo fan for as long as I can remember. As a kid, if I wasn’t rolling in a puddle just outside the nuclear plant, I was racking up points in Duck Hunt with my trusty light gun. So, when the design team said they were accepting pitches for the new console’s controller, I knew I had to take a shot.”
The Nintendo 64, was fast approaching its release date and designers were confounded by the novel task of developing a controller for 3D gameplay. Luckily, Ross Palmer brought them their solution.
“I remember playing with the original NES controller and using two of my hands to grip the sides but thinking, where do I put my third hand? Does it press the buttons? That didn’t make any sense so usually it would just dangle in the middle while my normie arms did all the work. So when I heard they needed pitches for controller designs, I put together a prototype for a controller that just made more sense.”
On the day of Palmer’s pitch, Shigeru Miyamoto just happened to be touring the American offices and sat in for the meeting.
“When I first saw the controller, I thought it was a prank,” said Miyamoto-san. “I laughed at the stupid design for nearly ten minutes which the Americans mistook for approval. I kept shouting, ‘Throw that hideous thing in the garbage! Are you people being for real right now?’ But my translator was in the bathroom so they just thought I was excited about the design. Everyone smiled and shook the three-armed guy’s hand like he cracked the code. Whatever. I’m rich now.”
The Nintendo 64 went on to become one of the most iconic consoles of all time, with Palmer’s design giving hope to three-armed children everywhere.
Raccoon City Police Union Secures Paid Suspension for Zombified Officers
BY RACCOON CITY — As the deadly T-Virus outbreak ravages Arklay County, sources confirm the Police Benevolent Association of Raccoon City has officially secured paid suspension for all of its zombified officers.
Chief of Police and lead Union representative Brian Irons held a press conference announcing the news.
“Undead or alive, we back the blue,” said Irons. “Until we figure out what the hell is going on, my officers deserve to be appropriately compensated for their protection and service to the people of Raccoon City. Even if they are under the influence of this so-called virus, that will not affect their ability to serve and protect. Rest assured Raccoon City is in good hands and we will all get through this.”
Members of the Raccoon City Police Department, many of which are still trapped inside the shockingly ornate Ennerdale Street Station, have expressed gratitude for Union support during this trying time.
“Raaaaah, eugh rah gaaaaaaah! Hiss! Blahugh gah gah,” said the top half of Officer Elliot Edwards while crawling towards our field reporter. “Wuablablah eeeeeeeeek eeeeeek eughah! AHHHHHHHHHHH! Rawr,” Edwards continued before we lost all contact with the inside of the Raccoon City Police Department.
Response to this decision has been mixed, with many survivors outside of the R.P.D. expressing concern over giving continued funding to mindless, cannibalistic husks of former police officers.
“Are you kidding me? I don’t think this city has its priorities straight right now,” said college student Claire Redfield. “I’ve seen these cops brutally murder innocent people with no justification whatsoever, and that was before the virus outbreak! It’s obvious that R.P.D has something to hide, even if that means paying off zombie cops to do it.”
At press time, the Umbrella Corporation USA released an official statement supporting the Police Benevolent Association of Raccoon City’s decision, praising Chief Irons for his swift response to this unavoidable and completely blameless tragedy.
