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Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Father's Day, Boomers, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-16 00:00:04 +0000 UTCAbsent Father Who Just Buys His Kids’ Love and Affection Is Honestly Fucking Crushing It
BY MIKE MAHER
SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single important moment in their lives, sources close to the rich prick confirmed.
“Technically, I’m a terrible parent. But you can’t argue with the results,” Barry said by phone from an unlisted number. “Thanks to me, my kids – who I’ve never met – wear the freshest Jordans, only play the newest gaming systems, and have foie gras in their fucking Lunchables. They don’t want to go fishing; they want Taylor Swift tickets and selfies from the Dolomites. Look, I love my kids – whatever their names are – the same way my dad loved me: with a credit card from as far away as possible. The amount of shares my gifts get on their socials proves I’m killing it. Millions of paid followers can’t be wrong.”
Son Jackson Barry acknowledges his father’s shortcomings but claims his flaws are actually strengths.
“My dad is human garbage, but we have a beautiful relationship,” said the 11-year-old, while bullying someone on Twitch. “We’ve never even spoken yet he knows exactly what kind of trendy expensive shit to buy me. Sure, sometimes I wish me and the old man could toss the pigskin around in the backyard. But hiring Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes to play catch with me instead has been way better. I’m already being scouted by D-1 schools and I’m only in middle school. I love you dad, you piece of fucking shit!”
Despite irreparable emotional damage, child psychologist Pegg Champagne still insists on seeing the Barry kids multiple times a week.
“Are these kids mentally fucked? 100%,” Champagne said. “Even money can’t fix these daddy issues. But I gotta give credit where it’s due. Scumbag or not, pops has prepared his kids for the real world better than most parents, exposing them early to a long life of privilege that only gets better when you’re white, wealthy, and entitled like themselves. These brats don’t only have a membership to the club, they own it. Which is exactly why I keep seeing them. They’re one of my few clients who actually pay. I just bought a brand new Mitsubishi Mirage. Red.”
At press time, it was discovered that Barry had purchased everything for his kids with credit cards taken out in their names, unbeknownst to them.
Amazing! This Man Plays Acoustic Guitar for His Newborn Every Night Because The Baby’s too Young to Say No
BY Is there anything more beautiful than a father’s love expressed through music? If there is, we don’t want to know about it. Meet Jay Graham, a father who serenades his newborn child with a different song on his acoustic guitar every night. And the best part? The baby still hasn’t learned to talk so she can’t do anything to stop it.
“When my wife told me she was pregnant, I immediately went to Ebay and purchased the most expensive acoustic guitar I could find and started teaching myself how to play. It was just really important I do this for my daughter. Sure, it was a lot of hard work these past 9 months, but my wife didn’t mind painting the nursery and putting together the crib while I perfected ‘Everlong,’” said father-of-the-year candidate. “And now that the baby is here, it’s so great I get to share my gift with her. And she doesn’t seem to mind crying it out on the floor while I try to get the tuning right for ‘Pink Moon’ either.”
Now you might be saying to yourself “where is the mother in this scenario, why wouldn’t she step in to stop this awful behavior?” The fact of the matter is, she’s doing her best to juggle everything in the household.
“Yeah, he’s a selfish dipshit. But I still don’t have the heart to tell him that the baby isn’t smiling because he nailed ‘Hotel California’ but because she just loaded up her Pampers with some brown mustard newborn poop,” explained the new mother. “Jay keeps insisting that someday the baby will really appreciate all this time he spends locked in the basement watching YouTube tutorials and perusing guitar tabs. But this is of course assuming that our marriage even survives and I let him see the kid in the future.”
Child care expert Dr. Edmundo Sosa pointed out the danger of acoustic guitar for young children.
While it is true that many studies have shown exposing your children to music has tremendous positive effects on their development, other studies have demonstrated a correlation between the negative effects of music exposure and a parent’s rudimentary acoustic guitar skills,” said Dr. Sosa. “I personally have worked with several children who took up vaping and growing wispy, creeper mustaches following years of exposure to butchered versions of the ‘Fade to Black’ intro.”
While reporting on this story we decided to call Child Protective Services on Mr. Graham after we determined that forcing a child to listen to “Santeria” by Sublime equates to child abuse.
Boomer at Restaurant Can’t Wait to Tell Server How Much He “Hated” His Dinner
BY JOHN ADKINS
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local 68-year-old Glen Darrington reportedly couldn’t wait to tell his server how much he “hated” his dinner while dining at the Cracker Barrel early last night, confirmed sources.
“Oh boy! When the server clears my plate, I’m gonna tell ‘em that I absolutely despise my meal. But guess what? I actually loved it,” said Darrington before asking a server if his dinner was free since he didn’t see a price on the menu. “See? Look at my clean plate! I ate the whole damn thing! Get it? That’s top tier, Jay Leno-level comedy. I really think I should pursue a career in stand up. I mean, how hard could it be? I’ve been making people in the hospitality industry almost laugh for 30 years and if that doesn’t make me a comedian, I don’t know what does.”
Darrington’s wife simply had enough of her husband’s self-proclaimed “comedic genius.”
“Do you know what he does? He practices his restaurant material in the car on the way to the establishment. He tries different phrasings, different voices, different deliveries—it’s unbearable,” said Dana Darrington. “He regularly uses the phrase, ‘I don’t need sugar for my coffee. I’m sweet enough.’ And he still opens the bill while saying, ‘What’s the damage?’ and then saying something like ‘Woo boy, do you want my arm or my leg as a payment?’ I usually just try to guzzle a couple of bottles of chardonnay so I can black out before the end of the meal. My therapist OK’d it, I think.”
Cracker Barrel server Anna Granger is reportedly quite experienced in the “hated my meal” joke arena.
“Ya know how they say that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? Every time I hear this joke, a little part of me dies inside. Actually, A big part of me dies. Yeah, I’d say I’m dead inside,” said Granger halfway through her 12-hour shift. “But hey, I’m a pro. And the pros know that the only way to get a good tip is to pretend to laugh your ass off. So yeah. I go full Jimmy Fallon on dudes like this. Boomers just eat up jokes that everyone has heard a million times before. It’s almost like they have no clue how jokes work.”
At press time, Darrington decided to leave zero tip on his tab despite it being “one of the best meals of his life.”
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