thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest July 18: Early Access Biden, Wine, Therapy, and More
Biden Offers Stern Warning to Potential Democrat Opponents: “Look, Listen, I’m Prepared Give a Holler to the Boys Who Come Back And I’m the Guy With The Fact of the Matter Is I’m Seeing the Wind Whistle and Ready to Find the Lost Meat”BY THE HARD TIMES STAFFWASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his ref...
MVP: Sublime "Santeria"
Pack up your Jeep and head to Long Beach, today we are breaking down Sublime's "classic" video for "Santeria." Listen to the episode and let us know if you think Bill's theory about the dark subtext of the video is true. Because if so, gross.
Hard Digest July 17: Trump's Assassin, Drunk Anthems, Early Access Sunday Scaries, Gargoyles, Grocery Shopping, and More
Failed Trump Assassin Revealed to Be Descendant of Immigrants Who Came to Country Illegally 230 Years AgoBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFBETHEL PARK, Penn. — New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to Amer...
Hard Digest July 16: RNC, Sticker Mule, Early Access GWAR, Mushrooms, FYE, and More
Sticker Mule Co-Founder Confesses to Intense Sexual Fantasies About Trump In Mass Email Blast to CustomersBY KEVIN TITNEW YORK — Anthony Constantino, the co-founder of popular custom sticker maker Sticker Mule, sent a rambling email to all his customers about his bizarre sexual fantasies about former President Trump,...
Hard Digest July 15: More Trump, Early Access Smashing Pumpkins, Uncle Kracker, Food Stamps, and More
Smashing Pumpkins Song Sends Doggy Daycare Into Frenzy After Billy Corgan Shouts “Wanna Go for a Ride”BY CHRIS BRATTONCHICAGO — A local doggy daycare center went berserk after the Smashing Pumpkins lyric “wanna go for a ride” from the song “Zero” played on the radio, confirmed sources who just wanted to g...
Hard Digest July 14: Early Access Zoom Meetings, Villains, Slayer, and More
M.I.T. Scientists Announce Discovery of First Zoom Meeting To Begin Without Awful Small TalkBY TIM SHEARDCAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.“Observations on the weather. Awkward iceb...
Hard Digest July 13: Early Access Jerry Cantrell, AI, Biden, and Jet Skis
Jerry Cantrell Reveals “Them Bones” Actually About Time He Saw Spooky Skeletons Playing Rib Cages Like XylophonesBY MATT HUSSERSEATTLE — Jerry Cantrell reportedly revealed that 1992 Alice in Chains hit “Them Bones” was actually inspired by the time he saw spooky skeletons playing rib cages like xylophones as ...
Hard Digest July 12: Biden's Dark Confession, Early Access Weezer, Unions, Diss Tracks, Home Alone, and More
Democrats in Crisis After President Biden Uses Bathroom With Hot Mic and Confesses to Robert Durst MurdersBY DAN RICEWASHINGTON — Top Democratic decision-makers are reportedly doing damage control after President Biden confessed to multiple murders on a hot mic after another damaging public appearance, multiple sourc...
Hard Digest July 11: Early Access Conversations, 5 Disc Changers, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and More
Man Wishes He Could “Like” Messages to End Conversations In Real LifeBY TYLER ROLANDPORTLAND—Local man and self-confessed “introverted-ass” Will Dobbs is pleading for a real-life equivalent to the popular text and Instagram “like message” feature, chronically online sources confirmed.“There are a lot of...
MVP: Billy Joel "We Didn't Start the Fire"
When we started this podcast we wanted to rewatch some of our all-time favorite videos and really dissect them. Today we break that format by watching a video we absolutely fucking hate. But it sure was fun to talk about it. Enjoy our breakdown of "We Didn't Start the Fire" and we apologize if the song gets...
Hard Digest July 10: Early Access AI, Shoplifting, Bruce Dickinson, and More
Nation’s Dads Walk On Washington After Seeing Power Bill for Using AIBY DAN KOZUHWASHINGTON — An army of dads from across the nation descended upon the capital in a wave of cargo shorts and socks with sandals to protest skyrocketing power bills due to the surge in AI usage, White House insiders report.“When I got...
Hard Digest July 9: Early Access Shoplifting, Roxy Music, Tumors, and More
Punk Clearly Trying to Walk Out of PetSmart with Aquarium Stuffed in Their SweatpantsBY BEN FRIEDMANSAYREVILLE, N.J. — The staff of a local Petco could only roll their eyes in secondhand embarrassment as punk Victor Simmons was clearly attempting to walk out of the store with a massive aquarium stuffed in his sweatpa...
Hard Digest July 8: Early Access Billy Joel, Microplastics, Friendships, and More
Drunken Rendition of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” Dangerously Close to Morphing Into “It’s the End of the World as We Know It”BY JOE RUMRILLWILLISTON, N.D. — Participants of a weekly karaoke night cringed in disbelief as a local businessman’s booze-fueled “We Didn’t Start the Fire” teetered on the b...
Hard Digest July 7: Early Access Eco-Conscious Punks, DMT, Cro-Mags, and More
Eco-Conscious Punk Pretends Never Getting Driver’s License Was An Environmental ThingBY JUS KAPLANPORTLAND, Ore.—Sage Copeland, who has never driven a day in his life, is adamant that his automobile abstinence is an environmental thing and nothing else, the 32-year-old vegan confirmed.“Cars are destroying our pla...
Hard Digest July 6: Early Access Bass Players, Dinner Parties, Cargo Shorts, Folk Horror, and More
Boy Caught Playing Bass After Lying to Mom About Being Out With Friends Doing DrugsBY KIMBERLY SCOTTDARBY, Penn. — Local punk mother Janelle Zander was mortified to discover her son, whom she believed was out partying with friends, was actually diligently practicing bass, ashamed sources confirmed.“It’s supremely...
Hard Digest July 5: Early Access Plane Crashes, Limp Bizkit, Cigarettes, Spencer's, and More
Punk Refuses to Uncross Arms and Assume Crash Position as Plane Free FallsBY BEN FRIEDMANGARY, Ind. — Chicago-bound United passenger Colin Jenkins refused to uncross his arms and assume the crash position despite the plane being in an irreversible freefall, panicked passengers confirmed.“I was fine in the back of t...
Mvp: Nirvana "In Bloom"
Today Bill and Dan tackle a certified classic from three fine young men from Seattle, they are thoroughly alright and decent fellows with their music video for "In Bloom." Nirvana will come up a lot on this podcast so get used to it, go listen, and tell your friends.
Hard Digest July 4: Early Access Coworkers, Richard Gere, Christian Bale, and More
Nation’s Coworkers Announce Plans To Hold Long Conversation Directly Outside the Bathroom Where You’re Currently Taking a DumpBY TIM SHEARDRICHMOND, Va. – The nation’s coworkers reportedly resolved to hold an extended conversation in the general area outside the employee bathroom at the exact time that you are ...
Hard Digest July 3: Early Access 4th of July, Metalcore, and More
Dog Doesn’t Like Fireworks “Because of What They Represent”BY SARAH CORTINACHICAGO — Local pooch Hamburger is reportedly hiding under his home’s kitchen table from Fourth of July fireworks, not due to fear of the sound, but because of the jingoistic, colonial mindset that they represent, skeptical sources con...
Hard Digest July 2: Supreme Court, Early Access Cannibal Corpse, Movies, Red Wine, and More
Wanna Give the Supreme Court a Piece of Your Mind? Here’s How To Get a Job at One of the Most Luxurious Resorts in the WorldBY DAN RICEIt’s getting more and more difficult to speak truth to power these days, especially when it comes to the judiciary branch of our federal government. With controversial recent decisi...
Hard Digest July 1: Early Access Band Photos, Mental Health Walks, Cowboy Hats, and More
Metal Musicians Visiting Dead Friend in Cemetery Might as Well Take Band Photo While They’re ThereBY CORY COUSINSTRAVERSE CITY, Mich. — Members of the local death metal band Flesh Quilt figured it would be a wasted opportunity to not take a killer band pic while at the cemetery after visiting their recently decease...
Hard Digest June 30: Early Access Great American Baking Show, Chik-Fil-A, Vintage T-Shirts, and More
“Great American Baking Show” Cancelled After 6th Mass ShootingBY COREY ARDERLONDON–The “Great American Baking Show” came to an ignoble end after a record-shattering sixth mass-shooting struck the Pinewood lot in a short timespan, traumatized sources confirmed.“We really wanted to make the American bakers fe...
Hard Digest June 29: Early Access Gwar, DraftKings, Coffee Shops, and Restaurant Work
Gwar Fill-in Obviously Threw Costume Together From Things Laying Around Their HomeBY TRAVIS TACKBUFFALO, N.Y. — Gwar’s temporary bassist James Matterhorn appeared to be wearing a costume he hastily threw together from common household items, confirmed sources who were not mad, just disappointed.“The guy was calli...
Hard Digest June 28: Debate Fallout, Early Access Gorilla Biscuits, Pride, Line Cooks, Rodent Men, and More
Six Key Takeaways From the First Presidential DebateBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFPresident Biden and former President Trump met on the debate stage in Georgia last night and reminded Americans that the two-party system is broken and we could do better. President Biden showed his age and frequently lost his train of thought, ...
Hard Digest June 27: Early Access QR Codes, Charli XCX, Folk Shows, and More
Complaining Boomer Actually Has Good Point About QR Code MenusBY CHARLES BILLSARASOTA, Fla. – Local 71-year-old Steve Mills made multiple strong arguments against the use of QR code menus while trying to order the Sunshine State Super Special at Mitzy’s Diner early yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.“God dam...
Mvp: Blink-182 "All the Small Things"
Today on a brand new episode of Mvp we travel back to 1999 to break down Blink-182's video for "All the Small Things." It's the video that defined a generation of class clowns in cargo shorts. Give it a listen, tell a friend.
Hard Digest June 26: Early Access Rob Dyrdek Unplugged, Presidential Debates, Scrap Copper, and More
New MTV ‘Unplugged’ Special to Feature Rob Dyrdek Learning Acoustic GuitarBY WILLIAM VAILLANCOURTLOS ANGELES — MTV announced the latest edition to their famed “Unplugged” series will showcase “Ridiculousness” host Rob Dyrdek learning the acoustic guitar, giddy network executives confirmed.“It was an eas...
Hard Digest June 25: Joe Biden, Early Access Rob Zombie, Aerosmith, Boomers, and More
Biden Aides Heatwave Crisis by Supplying Every American With New Pair of Aviator SunglassesBY KARA MOOREWASHINGTON — President Biden announced a new government plan that will provide all citizens a free state-issued pair of aviator sunglasses to combat the dangerous heat enveloping the country.“Listen Jack, we want...
Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Broken Social Scene, Scrabble, Les Miserable, and More
Broken Social Scene Searches for Other Canadian Supergroups to Start Intramural Hockey LeagueBY CHRIS BRATTONTORONTO — Sizable indie group Broken Social Scene is reportedly on the hunt for other Canadian supergroups to start an intramural hockey league with, sources who dusted off their shin pads confirmed.“This is...
Hard Digest June 23: Early Acces Leftovers, Teams, the Boys, and More
Man Who Ate Roommate’s Leftovers Sentenced to Two Years In Federal PrisonBY JORDAN LIFFENGRENPHOENIX, Ariz. — An Arizona judge recently sentenced a man who ate his roommate’s leftovers to two years in federal prison in a monumental case that has vindicated victims of meal theft across the country.“It’s such a...
