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Hard Digest June 27: Early Access QR Codes, Charli XCX, Folk Shows, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-28 00:00:06 +0000 UTCComplaining Boomer Actually Has Good Point About QR Code Menus
BY CHARLES BILL
SARASOTA, Fla. – Local 71-year-old Steve Mills made multiple strong arguments against the use of QR code menus while trying to order the Sunshine State Super Special at Mitzy’s Diner early yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.
“God dammit, I just want to hold a paper menu,” said the typically disagreeable, but this time correct, baby boomer. “If I wanted to take out my phone and take a picture, I’d go to my grandson’s christening, but I’m here instead, so just let me have a physical menu where I can easily see the pricing and sides! Donald Trump should really make this part of his platform. I’m just glad the young people are coming around to see how right I am about things. I think they’d also agree with my stances on movies in theaters having subtitles, dogs being walked without a leash, and abortion.”
A table of nearby Zoomers who overheard the complaints found themselves shocked to be in complete agreement.
“Damn, old dude’s got a point,” remarked recent college graduate and avocado toast enthusiast Kamau Jenkins. “He was saying a bunch of vile, racist shit, but then I heard him talking about QR code menus being ‘an unnecessary barrier to entry for dining’ and my head started nodding along. He’s got a pretty good point. I shouldn’t need to download a fucking PDF in order to get food. Apparently the system that existed for hundreds of years is not good enough. Has technology gotten to the point that it’s hurting us more than helping us? I’m kind of scared. Does this mean I’m going to start voting Republican?”
The entire scene was witnessed by the restaurant manager, who cursed loudly and dashed back into the kitchen.
“They’re finally waking up to my devious machinations,” said the mustache-twirling manager, donning a large top hat. “There’s nothing that makes my blood boil more than easy access to our food offerings and prices. I even switched over to metal QR codes to make it functionally impossible to scan the menu unless someone else uses their phone flashlight on it. You think I want people to eat at my establishment without jumping through hoops? Of course not! Eating should not be simple, it should be a baffling ordeal. And this intergenerational teamup could throw a spanner in my plans.”
At press time, the restaurant ejected the patrons for requesting a clear breakdown of the prices of draft beers.
Oh You Like Charli XCX? Name Three Brands of Poppers
BY JUS KAPLAN
So you think you’re a stan of Charli XCX, huh. One of Charli’s Angels? Cute. You’re gonna have to prove it. But don’t go flaunting any ticket stubs or merch, mama. That proves nothing these days. Real fans of Charli XCX can name at least 3 brands of poppers.
You heard me, twink. Start naming brands of “nail polish remover” or “VHS cleaner” if you want me to believe you actually bump Charli. Or do you not even know what poppers are? Mother signs bottles of them at like, every concert, so if you don’t, that’s honestly a full stop already.
Oh you do know what they are? Well then, let’s hear it—start dishing out names of your favorite brands of orifice-opening inhalants to prove you’re actually a Brat.
LOL, did you just say Rush? RUSH!? Oh sweetie, you know the most mainstream brand of poppers there is. How blasé. How embarrassing. How…expected. Every straight girl who’s ever seen a Troye Sivan TikTok knows this one. It’s a classic, sure, but like, in a basic way, not a camp way. I’m guessing you only discovered Charli XCX from the Barbie movie soundtrack, didn’t you?
You’re not done yet? Okay miss thing, preach then. Name another, I’ll wait.
…Did I just hear you say Jungle Juice Platinum? I have to admit, that’s actually so Julia. I’m starting to think you might be that girl after all. Have you ever listened to Unlock It after taking a double nostril nose dive into a vial of J.J.P.? You have? You’re honestly making me do a complete 180–no, a full 360–on what I think about you.
Oh, you have another brand of poppers to namedrop? Well, dish!
Um, wow. You did NOT just say Double Scorpio. Damn girl, so confusing! Here I was thinking you were some poser, but you’re like, actually a fiend? That’s serious stuff, even for me, a Charli Connoisseur. I took a tiny huff of that once during her Crash tour and literally Vroom Vroom’ed straight into the floor.
I’m impressed. Gagged, even. Sorry I ever tried to gatekeep you, queen. You clearly know your poppers, and by extension, Charli XCX. Here, have a Parliament to celebrate. Keep being toxic and iconic!
Folk Punk Show Audience Can’t Be Bothered to Look Up From Their Soup Cans Connected by String
BY JOE RUMRILL
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The audience of a recent Terry and the Tire Irons show consisted of apathetic young folk punks who’s attention was glued to their soup cans connected by string, frustrated sources confirmed with a “dagnabbit.”
“These Gen-Z folk punks are always on their contraptions, it makes me sick. It’s not like the old days…well, I mean, the old-old-old days, since we’re talking about folk punks here,” complained head Tire Iron Terry Grebalski, as he ripped his name patch off his oil-stained coveralls in contempt. “They’ve gotta be in constant communication all the time, staring at their soup cans attached to string so they can talk to their friend on the other end. I’m trying to bang on a washtub up here, do you mind? I swear, they’re even worse than the tik-tok kids. That’s what we call our fans who are obsessed with those newfangled grandfather clocks.”
Amid the grumbling of the band, the bored audience members asserted that they were simply opting for what they were more interested in.
“Nothing against the Tire Irons, but we youngins need constant access to the outside world at all times, so until we can all stream their music from home–it doesn’t even have to be a stream, it could be a brook or a tributary, even–we’re going to be looking at our soup cans on string,” said Rosie Krassner, while intermittently checking the can for any transmission from whoever was on the other line. “We’ll have to wait for the latest Apple updates for those capabilities, though. But I hear it’s a Granny Smith this year, so I’m already licking my lips in anticipation for that! Yum!”
Ever-harried band manager Herndall Sigmund appeared at the end of his rope with the entire ordeal.
“This is bad publicity no matter how you slice it. On the one hand, taking the situation at face value, the band isn’t interesting to these young people. But, to make matters worse, even if Terry and the fellas were to make a Karen-like scene, there’s no way it could go viral because there are no cameras on anyone’s phones,” said Sigmund, as he arranged the haybales the band requests to be nearby at all times in a huff. “It’s lose-lose. Sometimes, I think this job sometimes ain’t worth the 10% I make from their pay. Especially because they’re always getting paid in, like, fresh buttermilk and shit like that. I fucking hate buttermilk.”
At press time, the show was cut short anyway when the entire audience ran out into the street to join an in-progress stickball game.
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Missing Gamer Found Safe After Parent’s House Guests Finally Leave
BY MATT FRESH
LONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Peter Barone, the local gamer who went missing earlier today was finally found safe after his parent’s house guests finally left.
Police Chief Tony Bauer announced the good news at a press conference held outside Barone’s parents’ house where the 32-year-old gamer resides.
“Mr. Barone was found safe this afternoon when he emerged from his bedroom almost immediately after the guests his parents had over had left. Paramedics checked him and while they found him to have severely bloodshot eyes and traces of Baja Blast in his bloodstream he is going to make a full recovery as soon as his mother makes him lunch.”
Peter recounted his harrowing experience.
“I was in my room getting some early morning Destiny reps in. Then all of a sudden I hear the front door open and I hear my parents talking to some people. Then it dawned on me that some people had come over. I just froze. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I couldn’t just go down and talk to them. Then I’d get stuck in an adult conversation where they’d ask how my life is going. I kept waiting for them to leave but it just never happened. I was stranded in my room. I was so hungry but all I had was some flat Baja Blast from the night before. I’m lucky to be alive.”
Barone’s parents Brad and Patricia are glad their ordeal is over and happy to have their son back.
“It was the most stressful few hours of my life,” said Patricia. “No parent should have to go through what we did. I went into Peter’s room around 8:30 to tell him that I made him some eggs for breakfast. He said he’d be down as soon as he was finished with his game. Then our friends Lee and Stan dropped by and I noticed Peter never came down for his food which isn’t like him so I knew something was wrong. We had a nice time with Lee and Stan and they probably didn’t notice anything wrong but deep on the inside I was panicking.”
“I was kinda hoping he had gone out for once, maybe to find a girlfriend or something. It was a little disappointing to hear he was just in his room the whole time,” explained Brad.
At press time, Peter is currently safe playing video games in his room, although there was a brief scare when Brad started speaking to a salesman at the door.
Billionaire Goes Undercover as Homeless Person to Prove You Can Still Be a Weird Asshole Even With No Assets
BY MAX BARTH
NEW YORK — Local billionaire Morgan Theodore has confirmed he has undertaken a “poverty challenge” to prove that his inherited wealth, familial connections, and cloistered upbringing have nothing to do with the entitled way he turned out.
“People think the rich are weird assholes because of our money, but that just isn’t true,” says Theodore, who is three days into an experience he says may last as long as an entire week. “I was just as rude to waiters when I had nothing but my father’s checkbook and a dream of buying up all the affordable housing I could find. To prove it, I’ve sold my home, put most of my art in storage, and started over with nothing but a backpack, twenty dollars, and a vague idea of how to reach my pied-à-terre via public transportation.”
The Theodore Family Trust issued the following statement in response to questions about their scion’s efforts.
“We are proud of Morgan, and fully support him in this brave effort to expose the class warfare currently tearing our country apart. For too long those with means have been depicted as deranged sociopaths, gleefully prodding our country towards fascism and ecological ruin to benefit our bottom lines. As Morgan’s experiment demonstrates, that is simply not the case. We are weird assholes because of who we are on the inside, not what our bank account says. We simply ask to be judged by the lack of content of our character,” The Theodore’s butler Geoffery stated to the press as the family relaxed in the pool.
Anson Leonard, an unhoused father of three who got to know Theodore while helping him figure out which side of the subway platform to stand on, said he came to suspect his friend led a more privileged life than he let on.
“He tried to hide it, but I could tell. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just get a loan and buy a house, or all the paperwork I have to jump through just to get my medication sorted out with the VA. Trying to juggle all of it just to get the basics. I need ID to get ID, you know? That kinda bull,” said Leonard. “Though I do admit, if you ask anybody around here, the guy has been a real asshole to practically everyone since he first started coming around. He tried to call the cops on me for taking a nap. They arrested both of us. So I guess he’s proved something, I don’t know what.”
At press time, Theodore says he plans on writing a book about his experiences and has already secured a publishing deal with Theodore Books Ltd.
