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Hard Digest June 23: Early Acces Leftovers, Teams, the Boys, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-24 00:00:06 +0000 UTCMan Who Ate Roommate’s Leftovers Sentenced to Two Years In Federal Prison
BY PHOENIX, Ariz. — An Arizona judge recently sentenced a man who ate his roommate’s leftovers to two years in federal prison in a monumental case that has vindicated victims of meal theft across the country.
“It’s such a relief to know this man is behind bars, far away from my Panda Express,” said Rory Avila, the roommate whose leftovers were wrongfully devoured in the highly publicized case. “I met him on Craigslist—I know, red flag, but I was desperate. It started innocently enough, with him taking sneaky little bites of my takeout, but progressed to straight up jacking the orange chicken out of my two-item combo, and finally to swiping entire dishes. Do you know the feeling of dreaming about your leftovers all day, only to come home to your egg rolls gone without a trace? That will inspire you to punch a hole through the wall and never get your deposit back.”
Convicted leftover food thief, Josh Cleary, is determined to prove his innocence in the case, and for all those facing charges in domestic provisions theft cases.
“I’ve been painted as a monster, but I’m a nice guy who made a mistake. I just had the munchies,” said Cleary from behind plexiglass. “Rory’s leftovers were unmarked in a community fridge, which meant they were up for grabs. At least, that’s how it works in office settings and at my buddy’s houses. Even if he did write his name on it, they usually just sit there going bad anyway. That’s so wasteful. Maybe I was gonna give it to a hungry, unhoused person—you don’t know! This is like 1940s Berlin, fascistic and infringing on my right to slither into the kitchen while Rory isn’t looking and eat his Dan Dan noodles.”
Judge Georgia Deblis says this is one of the most heinous crimes she’s ever seen, including murders.
“I’m sick of this deviant behavior going unpunished, and I’m here to change that, starting with Mr. Cleary,” said Deblis. “This man shows no remorse or sympathy for Mr. Avila, and I won’t idly stand by to see another life ruined by unethical snackers. I, myself, am a victim of leftover theft, and have not been able to serve justice until now. Two years in a federal prison seems like a fair punishment to me. Once he serves his sentence, he will be exiled to the countryside. He’ll do well learning how to live off the land and forage for his meals, something he should be used to doing.”
When released from state custody, Mr. Clearly will not be allowed within 500 feet of anyone’s leftovers.
Awkward! My Boss Just Tried to Kiss Me on Microsoft Teams
BY TIM SHEARD
My 1:1 sync with Todd was going as expected. We kicked things off by describing the weather in our respective towns and then went on to politely lie about how lowkey the weekend was. Having to explain the intricacies and politics of the children’s MMA league I referee for has never been my thing.
He was highlighting the mitigation of client-impacting risk factors as a new quantifiable KPI when I noticed that he was like, staring directly into my eyes. I’ve always been confused on how that works. Do you stare into the camera? Are you supposed to? Is that proper Teams etiquette? I was lost in thought when he suddenly said “Stop talking and smooch me” then caressed his camera, eyelids fluttering as he leaned in and made movements with his mouth that I’ve only ever seen dogs make when they eat peanut butter.
I wasn’t immediately clear on what was happening until Todd said, “We can’t do this, I’m your boss,” and then I said, “Todd, I think you’re on mute,” and then he went off mute and said, “Classic Todd! Anyways, we can’t do this I’m your boss.” The meeting ended abruptly, as Todd announced he was giving me the last 10 minutes back to stretch my legs or get a cup of water.
I’m pretty sure this was sexual harassment. Right? Or maybe it’s just weird? Is it cyber-bullying? I tried to report the kiss to our HR department in hopes of getting some clarity but they’re run by an AI chatbot now and my query was flagged as inappropriate for using the word “sexual.”
Was I somehow leading him on? I know I wasn’t staring into his eyes because I don’t know how to do that on Teams! Was it because I gave him the smiley face with sunglasses emoji on his Slack post about the Lupus Walk thing? The sunglasses make it coquettish, it’s too sexy! I’m really in a bind now too because I still have an unapproved PTO request for the Iron Child Death Match later this month in Edison, New Jersey. I already paid for my VRBO!
When I brought this up with my therapist over Zoom, he was fascinated (about the kiss that is, not the Iron Child Death Match, I don’t talk about that kind of stuff with him.) “A Microsoft Teams kiss? But It could never work. Unless…” he trailed off, seemingly on the verge of a breakthrough. But then he just had me go over the kiss again in great detail, even turning off his camera so I wouldn’t be distracted. Then when he finally came back he said, “Well this was fun,” and asked if I needed an Uber.
Schrödinger’s Boys Back In Town While Still Out Of Town
BY MAX BARTH
PHILADELPHIA – A groundbreaking thought experiment shows that Schrödinger’s Boys have apparently returned to town while simultaneously enjoying the delights of the countryside, according to confused sources in both areas.
“I heard that those wild-eyed Shrödinger Boys came back and were seen in downtown Philly yesterday,” said one source down at Dino’s Bar and Grill, granted anonymity for fear of them crazy cats spilling blood. “But then my friend out in Lancaster said he saw [the boys] visiting an Amish market at the same time. Eerie, huh? I’m not sure how they could simultaneously be both something and not. Man, we just fell about the place, hearing that. Now I gotta wonder how all the Boys’ cats are doing.”
One chick who was “cool” but also “red hot” reportedly danced with at least one of the Boys.
“I was on the floor at Dino’s, dancing and shaking what I got, like I do every night, when I swear I saw at least a few of those boys walk in. I actually ended up going home with one of them – I think his name was Johnny, so he was definitely around until I slapped him for getting handsy,” said the chick while chain-smoking outside her apartment complex. “Then this morning I heard all this junk about him never being in town in the first place! I don’t see how that’s possible. And frankly, I don’t want to know.”
Johnny Rankler, one of the leaders of the Boys, declined to say where he was or where he could be found, or anything about his whereabouts at all.
“I don’t know that I have much to say. I mean, us boys haven’t really changed. I just remember being out of town, driving around, dressed to kill as usual. The nights are getting warmer and we just figured we’d all head out of town and buy some honey from those horse and buggy country fellas,” said Rankler. “Next thing I know I’m getting all these texts asking what I’m doing at Dino’s hogging the jukebox all night, playing the same song over and over again. As if I could explain that! And that chick who says she slapped me? She drives everybody crazy. Forget her.”
As of press time, the boys were apparently Irish nationals all along.
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