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Renfaire Fantasy: Harem Life pt 1

🕑 Added 2024-11-05 13:10:29 +0000 UTC

Comments

Dastauf

I agree. You are terrific with realistic dialogue but... when you've got a lot of minor details to cover the back and forth talking can get boring. Save your writing effort for the entertaining interaction dialogue and for character development.

Panda

A continuity issue is pretty evident here. This chapter says they can't send fluids. To quote, "The sure factor so far seemed to be proximity—a jar of stuff kept near one of the girls would remain potent for days and days, maybe even indefinitely. But, being absent from that jar for even as little as an hour could make it completely lose magic potency and go inert." However, on day 3 of AnimeCon, Kelly and Emily went back to the car after a what had to be at least an hour because of the walk over, arguing with security, waiting on the head man, and Chloe's nonsense, and retrieved the filled condom. It obviously had potency, since the whole sequence led to some pretty funny stuff. So, perhaps, a few hours?

Cliff

I love how Brian's passive power is to just blatantly magic away all of the real life stuff that erotic stories always ignore—breath, cleanliness, hair, clothing, fluids, sheets, etc. 😂

benjamin shropshire

If you want to be less blatantly an info dump, you might be able to thread this all together as a mental problem solving session. Maybe relating to scheduling who drives who where and when? (Why they don't have more transportation options yet could even get the shopping addiction into the storyline with Kelly thinking about maybe contributing more to that rather than to cute clothes.) That wouldn't touch all the points, but things like Brian's refresh power could be brought up cold later without a lot of hassle (just someone vocally remembering to use it would give most of that introduction).

Nia

Thx

sanityormadness

> when she got back she basically had to throw herself back into long work shifts for a good long while. That's odd, considering that she was saying: > "I’m not sure if I’ll go back this season,” Rebecca shrugged. “I have enough saved that I don’t need to, for a while—and with everything going on here, and then the ren faire coming up? I might be too busy.” In AAC.

sanityormadness

You are correct.

Nia

Hello, im not a native English speaker and noticed a word that ive never seen being used before. "Weekdays" im assuming it means: days from monday to Friday. At least in the context i saw it, pls correct me if im wrong

sanityormadness

Also, how did Chloe's friends react to her disappearing for a month and reappearing with a completely new personality, all "taciturn" and submissive, then going back to live with her ex-boyfriend who she'd spent all that time slandering? She has to at least have seen "Monique" to get her clothes back (and anyone else who had her stuff). Plus, besides the personality shift, did they react to the red eyes, or was she covering them up somehow? Also-also, whatever happened with her & Brian going to see her dad about that money.

MrBliss

Don't get me wrong I loved all the details and tidbits that we did get.

MrBliss

Like how did figuring out the sleeping arrangements go? Iirc they only have a twin bed? What were their friends reaction to Chloe being back? Did we miss a large part of Christine getting more intimate with Brian and the others? I have so many questions. Like why do they need to worry about money at all? I get why they would want to work but they talked about winning the lottery with Kelly's power before. They decided to wait until they could get something bigger but I don't think they ever talked to Brian about it, and he's stressed about money?

MrBliss

I'm so glad we are back, but there are so many things I wished we could have seen.

MVFast

Agreed. This should not be the beginning of a new book.

Milambus

The chapter is not very new reader friendly. It not only assumes that you have read the Anime Con books, but have read them recently and have those characters and event fresh in mind. That is fine as a continuation of the previous series, but as the first chapter in the first book of a new series it kinda just drops people into the story. The question might be who is your main audience? Us reading along with each chapter here on Patreon, or people reading the finished books later on Amazon/etc?

Adgsi5

Honestly, it just feels like a bit of a continuation chapter, which makes sense, it’s following up after anime con, but that also means it isn’t really giving us a lot to grab onto. I think this would be a solid second or third chapter into renfaire, so that it feels like there is a bit more lead in and the very cerebral pov feels less out of nowhere.

FortySixtyFour

What are the problems so that I can address them

Zaralith

I think she is not yet living there with what was said in this chapter: "Rebecca commuted from her grandparent’s place to her noon-to-six shifts" makes it sound like she is living with the grandparents still and possibly taking care of them. I imagine there will be a scene where at least some of the relationship is explained to Grandma by Rebecca before she joins and Grandma will understand and support or similar

Daniel Sifrit

Its pretty much implied that Christine is fully participating though, which makes it odd that Rebecca is still both living with them and home at 6pm and not fully brought into the sex -- where is she sleeping during these "savage amounts of sex." Is Rebecca still living in her old arrangement? That is all that makes sense to me if she isn't participating.

Milambus

As a continuation of Anime Con Harem this chapter is fine. As the first chapter of Ren Faire Harem series it has problems.

Kirrocen

I imagine Emily would appreciate having randomly disappearing clothes, but only if Brian was watching, and maybe a preference for bottoms over tops (although if Brian liked the disappearing tops too, that’s a nice bonus).

Jeanie6754

Thanks Boss. Have a great day. Try to relax some ☺️

Dastauf

Totally makes sense... but I'm REALLY looking forward to Rebecca totally joining in.

Jacob Bissey

I think Kelly has referred to Stephanie with variations of "her Stephanie" before. You are probably correct that it was an error, but I like the implication that she thinks of her as "my Stephanie", I think it works well with the various relationship dynamics. Like, it's lovingly possessive rather than possessive possessive since she isn't worried about sharing Steph with the others, but Steph is the one she fell in love with first and has the strongest bond to, and that will probably always be true even as her relationships with the others develop further.

Jacob Bissey

Honestly, I feel like covering it all in an internal monologue like this works better than trying to work it into conversation, feels more natural this way IMO. I'd rather handle time skip recapping to be handled this way, just directly tell us the general gist of what happened all in one info dump so we can quickly move on to the good stuff, no loose ends, no awkward and forced mentions that devolve into tangents and getting side tracked to other unimportant topics and details, just a quick recap that accomplishes the goal and moves on.

Zaralith

Unless he decided to just give a running commentary on the night activities hinted at here

Zaralith

Ok, so she hasn't been zapped in, then no real notes other than the always present more!

Stephen Weinberg

I prefer that you tell a few things so you can skip ahead like this.

AzureXIII

Thank you for another amazing chapter. I love Kelly playing dress up with everybody it's funny how when she had no hope she thought the things she loved which was makeup and fashion as dumb but now everyone is her mannequin to dress how she wants. Also love the imagine of biker gang harem where you see Steph and Em shooting by first in leathers then Brian and Kelly right behind them in their leathers. Then 7 minutes behind you see Rebecca and Christine in leathers pulling the rear slowly in the car.

FortySixtyFour

She's part of the group in spirit but hasn't BEEN with them yet at night or anything. She took a month off work to babysit a Chloe until it was able to hatch into a Christine, and when she got back she basically had to throw herself back into long work shifts for a good long while.

Zaralith

The only thing that seems like it will be lost with the time skip is Rebecca actually being added to the harem. Good start, because as a "new" story we need a little exposition dump and the way this one was handled is pretty clean.

Zach

> Or like, Emily can ride with Steph on her Steph’s bike, Needs an edit pass

Nchalada

Woo! Great opening chapter, time skip stuff makes sense. Kelly's biker fantasy is on point, and nicking Em's stuff to replace them with things that fit seems a very Kelly thing to do


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